Tag Archives: decrees for my all encompassing dictatorship

Decrees for My All Encompassing Dictatorship

Decrees for My All Encompassing Dictatorship: No Bragging About Ignorance

Within the last few weeks, as World Cup fever has gripped (most of) the globe, I’ve seen numerous wags on the internet tweet/facebook/smoke signal about how they would never watch soccer in a million years. Especially here in America, where soccer is still seen as something decadent, European, and vaguely effeminate, kinda like…the rest of Europe, I guess. Never mind that the World Cup is literally the most watched thing on the planet. You and your small circle of friends don’t care about it, and it is therefore not worth your time.

I can’t stand this Me-Centric attitude that celebrates ignorance. When people say things like this, they are declaring their pride in how much they don’t know. I despise when people declare I’VE NEVER WATCHED/LISTENED TO/READ [BLANK] with pride, as if they’ve passed some endurance test the rest of us poor slobs failed. “It took all my strength, but I never watched a single episode of Lost. You poor saps will never know what you didn’t miss!”

I’ve always felt that there is nothing to be gained from not knowing something, because everything is an experience, whether it’s listening to a symphony or watching American Idol. And yes, Idol sucks hard, but I know it sucks hard because I’ve actually watched it a few times.

When you say I WILL NEVER WATCH/LISTEN TO/READ [BLANK], you are saying I AM WILLFULLY CLOSING OFF MY MIND TO CERTAIN THINGS I SUSPECT I WON’T LIKE. And that is fine, if that is what you choose to do with your brain. Just don’t act like this decision makes you more evolved than everyone else. And certainly don’t act like you can comment on the qualities of something you’ve already chosen to ignore.

Under my benevolent despotism, if you choose to not see/listen to/read something, all you should be allowed to say about it is. “I haven’t seen/listened to/read that. It doesn’t look like something I’d be into.” And that’s it.

Those who violate this rule shall be locked in a solid white room with no windows for a full week, where they will be able to enjoy the stimulation-free nothingness that they seem to crave so much.

I have spoken.

Decrees for My All Encompassing Dictatorship

Decrees for My All Encompassing Dictatorship, MLB Division

sterling.jpgThe Wife has our clock radio tuned to WCBS, which is the Yankees’ radio station. So naturally, their sports updates lead with Yankees news whenever possible. This also means they play tons of John Sterling audio.

John Sterling’s home run calls are the lamest ‘comedy’ bits you’ve ever heard, but they’re even worse when the Yankees hit two homers in a row. Because that’s when John Sterling belts out BACK TO BACK, N’ BELLY TO BELLY! Skin crawling.

If you ever think you might have eaten something poisonous and you need to induce vomiting, just think of that. You’ll be blowing chunks in no time.

The Yankees have hit back-to-back home runs in each of their last three games, an impressive feat. Except that the first thing I’ve heard when I woke up the last three mornings is that buffoon, A GROWN MAN, screaming this in my ear. How am I supposed to have a good day after that, I ask you?!

Under my benevolent regime, the Yankees shall not be allowed to hit
home runs by consecutive batters. If such an occasion arises where two
batters in a row hit balls out of the ballpark in fair territory, the
second shall count as a ground rule double.

This totally unfair burden on the Yankees’ ability to score will be imposed until such time as they fire John Sterling as their play-by-play man and exile him to some foreign nation. Preferably one where no one plays baseball, so that he may not sully their airwaves, either.

I have spoken.

Decrees for My All Encompassing Dictatorship

Decrees for My All Encompassing Dictatorship: No Harmonicas

On my way to work this morning, my iPod shuffled its way to a live version of “Mirror Man” by Captain Beefheart. Great, I thought, I like this song and I haven’t heard it in a while. Then, about a minute in, the good captain busted out a harmonica solo, whereupon I hit the skip button. It was too damn early for me to hear a harmonica solo.

Harmonica is so bad it ruins songs I like.

Harmonica shall be banned because it is the harbinger of the worst music in the world: the blues. I don’t mean the blues as it was played 50, 60, 70 years ago, when it was an vibrant musical genre that reflected an actual living culture. And I don’t mean something that has bluesy influences, or bluesy overtones, because that would cut out pretty much all rock music.

I’m talking about the bone-chilling, teeth-rattling sight of someone playing four-bar blues in sunglasses and a fedora. That should have been banned by the Geneva Convention. How can we let that go on in the 21st century?! I fear for my children.

Harmonica shall be banned because of this natural human reaction: when you see somebody pull out a harmonica and start playing it onstage, 99% of the time you want to punch that person in the face.

Harmonica shall be banned because of this:

bluesbros.jpgAnyone who knows how to play harmonica when my Benevolent Dictatorship begins shall be grandfathered in and permitted to continue to play. However, they must register with the local Harmonica Office and inform their local Harmonica Officer if they plan on traveling within 500 feet of a live microphone.

Continuing education programs will be instituted to make John Popper employable. However, there is probably no hope for Bruce Willis. Nor should there be.

I have spoken.