Tag Archives: chipper jones

Chipper and Jesse’s Conspiracy Theory

WELCOME TO CONSPIRACY THEORY WITH JESSE VENTURA. I AM YOUR HOST WHICH MEANS MY NAME IS JESSE VENTURA. THE GOVERNMENT HAS SPARED NO EXPENSE TO KEEP THE TRUTH FROM EVER COMING OUT ABOUT ITS DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRETS, SO THE ONLY WAY I CAN EXPOSE THEM IS ON THIS BASIC CABLE PROGRAM. MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A FAMOUS BASEBALL PLAYER. BASEBALL IS A FINE AMERICAN SPORT, AND THIS MAN IS GOING TO ENGAGE IN ANOTHER FINE AMERICAN SPORT TONIGHT: CONSPIRACY THEORIES! PLEASE WELCOME CHIPPER JONES.

Thanks for having me, Jesse.

CHIPPER WHAT IS YOUR CONSPIRACY THEORY IN A NUTSHELL BY WHICH I AM NOT SAYING YOU’RE A ‘NUT’ BECAUSE I BELIEVE YOU ARE A FINE AMERICAN WHOSE BRAIN WORKS JUST FINE.

I believe that JFK was assassinated by a conspiracy launched at the highest levels of the American government.

OF COURSE YOU DO. ALL RIGHT-THINKING AMERICAN CITIZENS REALIZED THAT YEARS AGO. WHAT LED YOU TO THIS CONCLUSION?

Well, I’ve been a hunter my whole life and I can’t imagine how one person could’ve gotten off three rifle shots in such a short period of time.

I COULD BECAUSE I AM TRAINED IN ALL THE KNOWN DEADLY ARTS PLUS A FEW OF THE ONES KNOWN ONLY TO ALIENS AND THE ISRAELI ARMY, BUT YOU ARE CORRECT. NO MERE MORTAL COULD DO SUCH A THING.

I once shared my thoughts with John Smoltz. He told me that he was contacted by a mysterious Mr. X in Washington. They met up on a park bench within sight of the White House and Mr. X laid out the whole details of the conspiracy for him. He said it was chilling, and that Mr. X vaguely reminded him of the hero from Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

THAT SOUNDS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A PLOTLINE FROM THE FILM “JFK” BUT I DO NOT CARE.

I also heard that Steve Avery knew too much about the whole thing. That’s why the government had to blow up his left arm.

STEVE AVERY, ANOTHER PATRIOT GONE TOO SOON. HOW WILL YOU CONTINUE TO EXPOSE THIS SHAMOCKERY PERPETRATED ON THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?

I dunno, figure I’ll just play for a month and get another horrible injury or something.

CHIPPER, I HAVE TO SAY GOOD NIGHT NOW BECAUSE I JUST REMEMBERED I HAD A CATASTROPHIC ANEURYSM BACK IN 2005. STAY STRONG, TRUE AMERICANS!

The Assassination of Larry Jones by the Coward, His Knee

99_chipper_reed.pngLarry Wayne Jones, known to most people (and himself, for some reason) as Chipper, has a torn ACL in his knee and is out for the rest of the season. At his age, and given his injury history, there’s every reason to think his career may be over. (The mere fact that I’m writing this means he’ll be fit as a stallion by spring training next year and hit 72 homers against the Mets.)

Let’s assume what everyone else is assuming, that his playing days have ended. I should be relieved, even ecstatic about this news. If all the evil I wished on him over the years could be rendered in corporeal form, it would stretch from here to Jupiter. And yet, upon hearing the news, I feel oddly sad.

When it comes to baseball, I can separate my personal feelings from objective reality. And the objective reality is, Chipper Jones may be the best switch hitter ever not named Mickey Mantle or Eddie Murray. Much like Mantle or Ken Griffey Jr., you can only imagine what his numbers would have been like if he hadn’t lost so many seasons to injury. Plus, he played a physically demanding position that is underrepresented in the Hall of Fame. If he never plays another game, he’s still a lock for Cooperstown.

Do I hate him? Oh god, yes. I’ve despised him ever since that immortal (to me) year of 1999, when he clearly delighted in beating the Mets at every opportunity. You could tell he relished the thought of eliminating them from postseason contention, as the Braves nearly did in their last series at Shea that season. When an excruciating extra-inning loss left the Mets two games out of the wild card spot with three games to play, Chipper told the press that Mets fans should “go home and put their Yankee stuff on”.

For that statement alone, if I ever see him in the street, I will hit him in the face with a shovel.

That said, Chipper will be missed because he may be the last of the Great Baseball Villains. He loved being a thorn in a certain team’s side. This was once very common in the game, when rivalries were real and deeply personal, rather than the trumped-up sports hatred of the ESPN era, where The Worldwide Leader inflates artificial rivalries as much as they can even if they haven’t evolved organically. Or obsesses about actual rivalries to the point where everyone becomes sick of them (see: Yankees-Red Sox)

In ye olden days, every team had a villain or two. Someone to boo and project all their hatred on. Dodgers fans hated Juan Marichal. Giants fans hated Don Drysdale. Yankees fans hated George Brett. And everybody hated Barry Bonds. The recent Reds-Cardinals kung fu exposition notwithstanding, we don’t see much of this in baseball anymore.

The mere mention of the Braves fills me with anger. But when I watch them now, there’s very few people who inspire actual anger within me, because all of the villains of the late 90s/early 00s are gone. No more Greg Maddux. No more Brian Jordan. No more John Rocker. No more Eddie Perez or Ryan Klesko or Andruw Jones. Every single one of those guys hated the Mets, and you could tell.

In their place, the Braves are now a team with a disturbing amount of fresh-faced young’uns. Guys like Brian McCann and Jason Heyward and Matt DIaz, guys who just put their heads down and play and just wanna help the team win, by golly. They don’t even have the decency to be hateable. And to top it all off, Bobby Cox is soon to retire. If the Braves didn’t cling to their horribly racist Tomahawk Chop, there’d be nothing to hate about them at all.

Chipper held himself as a beacon of Hate, and he did not mellow as the years went on. He named one of his kids Shea, because he hit so well there, as a giant genetic “fuck you” to Mets fans. He bitched about David Wright winning a Gold Glove. In more recent years, he professed enjoying his visits to New York and even had not-terrible things to say about Mets fans, which I think he did for the sole purpose of driving them nuts.

Earlier this year, I went to a Mets-Braves game with my daughter. When Chipper strode to the plate, the crowd erupted in its customary mocking chant of LAAAAAAAAA-REEEEEE!. 

“Why they saying Larry?” my daughter said, knitting her brow in confusion.

“Because he likes to call himself Chipper, but his real name is Larry,” I explained.

She scowled. “Why?” She sounded annoyed. She had no idea what hell this man had inflicted on the Mets. She just knew, at age three, that a grown man shouldn’t call himself Chipper. So she yelled LARRY! along with everyone else and laughed.

I wouldn’t have had that moment without you, Larry, so thanks. And also, go die.

Fast Times at NL East High

wright.jpgHey, Chipper.

chipper3.jpgS’up, Dave. You goin to that kegger at HanRam’s house place this weekend?

wright.jpgNah. My dad won’t lend me the Dodge. Listen, I gotta talk to you about somethin. I heard you were sayin some shit about me. Said I wasn’t happy at CitiField.

chipper3.jpgFer real? No way, bro. I’d never say somethin like that.

wright.jpgWhen I say I heard it, I mean I actually heard you say it on the radio.

chipper3.jpgOh, yeah. I guess I did kinda say that.

wright.jpgWhy’d you do that, man? I told you that in confidence.

chipper3.jpgI was on the radio and they asked me about your new stadium, so I told em what you said. What else you want me to do?

wright.jpgSay something bland and inoffensive like everyone else does.

chipper3.jpg*pfft* That’s not how Chipper rolls, you know that. I speak my mind.

wright.jpgIt’s a low blow, man. That’s not how bros treat each other.

chipper3.jpgSure it is! I talk shit about everyone in this division. What about that time I told everyone that Dan Uggla eats paste?

uggla.JPGFuck you. That shit tastes good.

chipper3.jpgOr when I spilled the beans about Ryan Zimmerman wetting the bed?

zimmerman.jpgOnce! I did that once!

chipper3.jpgThat’s how it is, man. Bros are always bustin each other’s chops. Don’t get all bent outta shape.

victorino.jpgS’up, losers

/slams Wright into locker with flying elbow

Have fun at jerk practice!

/runs away as fast as possible


chipper3.jpgYou should stick up for yourself, man.

wright.jpgHe was gone so quick, I couldn’t do nothin. And if we’re such best buds, why didn’t you say anything?

chipper3.jpgDon’t worry, I got revenge on that douche. Totally got his sister pregnant.

wright.jpgReally?! Jesus…

chipper3.jpgWell, I got some girl pregnant. You expect me to keep track of that kinda stuff?