Recently in Inappropriate Walkup Music Category

As promised yesterday, I've compiled a complete list of all the Inappropriate Walk Up Songs. This should prove useful to those of you who need to settle arguments in bars, or as a handy crib sheet on your next midterm exam. Enjoy!

This list is arranged in alphabetical order by artist. Why? Because that's how you organize music, dammit. I've been doing it that way ever since I started buying albums, and I ain't about to change my ways now, dagnabbit.

What did I discover while compiling this list? Not much, except that I accidentally used Johnny Cash twice, despite my declaration that I wouldn't use any artist/band twice. Boy, is my face red!

In my defense, tell me you could resist using "Wo Ist Du Haus, Mama". That is comedy/German gold right there.

So without further ado, the list (after the jump):

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

This is it, folks. Today is Opening Night--an abomination in the eyes of God, if you ask me (and God). I'm not a traditionalist when it comes to most baseball matters, but the first game of the year should take place in the daytime, dammit. It should be a horrible, rainy afternoon where you can't feel your toes and you wonder why you gave up a whole day's pay to drink overpriced watered down Bud Lite while watching it.

In any case, that makes this the final edition of Inappropriate Walk Up Music. Shed a tear, if the mood moves you. Do I have some enormous climax for you to mark this momentous, bittersweet end?

Um, no. Just three more songs. Sorry.

But I will have a full list of all of the Inappropriate Walk Up Songs tomorrow, listed in alphabetical order by artist. Why that way? Because that's how I've always organized my albums, even when I was a kid. How else would you do it, you maniacs?!

Without further ado, the end.

* "Bicycle Race", Queen
The Wife spun this tune on the House Stereo yesterday, after hearing it on a classic rock station. I know I've heard this song many times before, but the true weirdness of it never really struck me before. Wow, this is bizarre--even when judged against the scale of Queen's other mock-operatic work.

I also considered "Body Language", which is just as weird and a much worse song. But "Body Language" doesn't have a video in which tons of naked people ride bikes.



* "Fingertips", They Might Be Giants
I may be cheating here, because this isn't one song per se. It's 21 separate minitracks on Apollo 18. A couple of them break the 20 second mark, and one is over a minute, but most range between 5 and 12 seconds. Apparently, TMBG wanted you to employ the shuffle function on your CD player, so the listener would hear lots of tiny non sequiturs in between the "real" songs. But I loved to listen to "Fingertips" as one long miniature opera of weirdness. And I have a feeling most people who bought the album listened to it in the same way. And this is my stupid feature anyway. So screw it, it's one song.

I remember listening to "Fingertips" repeatedly, at the expense of the rest of the album. Some tracks cracked me up so much that I had to hear them over and over, so I made sure I was near the CD player so I could hit the back button and not have one mini-song polluted by the sound of another (I think I've mentioned I'm a dork, right?).

A lot of the goofier TMBG material falls into the "I was 13 and a dork when I loved this" category, but think this holds up well. What's great about it is that each mini-song sounds like an excerpt of a longer tune, yet you can't imagine them being any longer. "What's That Blue Thing Doing Here" still makes me laugh (and those are all the lyrics, right there). And "I Walk Along Darkened Corridors" is probably the best song Morrissey never wrote.



* "You Can't Put Your Arms Around a Memory", Johnny Thunders
Good way to close out this list: Wistful and hopeless. Kinda like Johnny Thunders. Peep this video for a rare clip of Johnny singing in tune and remembering all the lyrics.

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* "Wonder Woman", Attila
When I revealed my shameful, bygone love for Billy Joel yesterday, The Wife reminded me that The Piano Man was once in a prog rock band called Attila. What does it sound like? Exactly what you think Billy Joel belting out prog rock would sound like, pretty much.

If you find this tune tasty, peep this post at WFMU's blog, which features some other choice cuts from their 1970 self-titled album--including an instrumental called "Brain Invasion" which sounds like Mr. Joel trying to write music for the Atari 2600.

* "Sneaker Night", Vanessa Hudgens
FOT Emma added this to the ongoing discussion of Worst Song Ever, and I had to share it here. Maybe not the worst song ever, but seriously some of the worst lyrics I've ever heard: "Are you ready? Did you eat? Do you have the energy?...Don't want you passin' out af-ter a couple-a hours a piece..." It sounds like it was written by a 12-year-old who has no idea of rhythm or meter, then shoehorned into a beat that was already done. Music for the thoroughly undiscriminating, cadence-challenged High School Musical teenybopper set.



* "Big Yellow TaxI", Joni Mitchell (or any of its 7000 cover versions)
For reasons chronicled here.

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

I realize that this little project has almost come to a close. So I couldn't let it pass without picking some songs from bands/artists I used to love, but who the passage of time has revealed to be varying degrees of suck. DON'T JUDGE ME.

Even if I'm not totally on top of What's Happening anymore, I like to think I have refined musical tastes, so I'm slightly embarrassed to cop to these exes. But hey, everyone, I think--I HOPE--has bands like these in their past, something they were totally in love with that now makes them cringe.

Peer into your soul and tell me you didn't used to dig bands that totally suck, and I will call you a liar.

* "Modern Woman", Billy Joel
I've been devouring Greg Prince's book Faith and Fear in Flushing, which is just as good as the website of the same name that he co-writes (I hope to put a formal review up sometime in the next week, now that Opening Day is almost here). In Greg's chapter on 1986, he mentions this minor Billy Joel hit, which was on the soundtrack to the nigh-forgotten Danny Devito/Better Midler flick Ruthless People. Reading it, my brain immediately, silently dismissed this 80s relic. "*pfft*, garbage" I thought.

But a second later, I heard the whole song, beginning to end, in my head. And I thought to myself, How am I able to mentally recite the entirety of a minor Billy Joel hit?

And it flooded back to me, like a repressed, horrible memory: BECAUSE YOU USED TO LOVE BILLY JOEL, YOU DOUCHE.

True. Circa 6th grade, I loved Billy Joel. The love affair lasted a year or so, and I managed to accumulate all of his albums in this time period. I listened them on the way to school on my walkman. In less than two years, I'd be listening to Nirvana and Fugazi on the same walkman, but at this time it was all about Glass Houses.

There are some okay-ish Billy Joel songs, but this is not one of them. Lord, does it suck. An epitome of 80s lack-of-low-end and synth overdosing and tinny drum sound and just...I mean, just listen to this thing. Ugh.

But I have to cop to the fact that 6th Grade Me probably wouldn't agree.

* "Just Keep Walking", INXS
 Another band that I absolutely ADORED once upon a time, and I can point to no good reason. I mean, they have a few decent tunes. I certainly don't think they're horrible. I just don't understand why I chose them to worship. Like Billy Joel, I liked them for only a year or so, but snatched up all their albums in that time (I didn't have much income at this stage of my life, but all of it went toward music).

INXS was also my first for-real concert. I saw them at the Meadowlands, at what was still called the Brendan Byrne Arena. I dragged a friend of mine with me, who didn't even like INXS but took pity on me because I could find no one else to go with me. Though I was excited to see them, my seats were way, way up, and I found the experience kinda weird. I immediately decided that music + stadiums = not for me.

I loved INXS so much at one point that I spent some precious shekels on a VHS compilation of their videos, which included an embryonic version of the band performing this song, their first single. They obviously had no idea what they wanted to be yet. The tune is a hybrid pastiche of The Buzzcocks, XTC, and generic New Wave, with a "coldness of modern life" angle that they don't sell very well.

If you watch the video linked above, you'll see that they also hadn't yet declared Michael Hutchence to be a Jim Morrison-esque sex symbol, based on his haircut and outfit. They also hadn't decided on a band aesthetic, unless a garbage bag-lined floor with your band's name spelled out in gaffer's tape is an aesthetic.

* "The Only One I Know", Charlatans UK
Remember the Manchester scene from the early 90s? No? You didn't see 24 Hour Party People? Why not? Philistines.

If you were a devoted viewer of 120 Minutes around this time, it was hard to avoid the whole Madchester thing (or the Shoegaze thing, as I've covered before). For some reason, though, I decided to skip over The Happy Mondays and The Stone Roses and The Inspiral Carpets and run straight to the Charlatans UK (who were not actually from Manchester). I think it was the organ. I've always had a thing for organ. Not a lotta bands had an organist circa 1991.

I actually found their album at a local Caldors, if you can believe that (after locating the cassingle of the aforementioned song at a Strawberries). Remember when retail stores had huge music and book sections? Them were the days. Try finding any kind of media at a Wal-Mart--it's like AC/DC, seven Joel Osteen books, and whatever came out on DVD that week. Makes me sick.

This song isn't that bad, and I guess it might actually work as walk-up music--except for the fact that its main riff is shamelessly ripped off from Deep Purple's "Hush". I remember this being pointed out at the time by several music critics, and I remember not caring.

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

Today I present a Super Sounds of the 70s post. All told, the 70s don't bug me. In fact, I think if I had to pick between the 70s and 80s as a cultural whole (and couldn't cherry pick a band from decade one and a book from decade two, etc.), it'd be a close call.

But there's one aspect of 70s culture that always drove me nuts. It's that "hey man, just take it easy!" attitude that pervades so many of the songs. Even songs that purport to rock are rocking around the concept of havin' a good time and takin' her easy. I don't know if this came from a post-Watergate, post-Vietnam desire to tune out the world, or it was just the massive amounts of weed being smoked at the time, but there was a lot of 8-track tape committed to telling America to chillax.

* "Take it Easy", Eagles
Is it cliche to hate the Eagles by now? I don't care. At the risk of sounding like every other jackass who quotes The Big Lebowski, I hate the fucking Eagles. Ironic that they'd write so many songs about takin' it easy, since by the end of the decade, they were doing enough blow to support the Bolivian economy single-handed, and only speaking to each other through legal teams.

* "Rock'n Me", Steve Miller Band
Steve Miller wrote some oppressively stupid lyrics. I dare you to look at the lyrics to any of his songs written down and not laugh. But be warned: The exercise may shave a few points off your IQ.

But if I have to pick one Steve Miller hit for maximum idiocy, this one takes the cake (don't know about his album tracks--bet there's some real doozies in there). If you tried to write a thoroughly retarded rock song, you couldn't come up with a better example than this. Real Stupid beats Fake Stupid every time.

* "Rhiannon", Fleetwood Mac
I am neither here nor there on Fleetwood Mac. But the mental image of someone coming up to bat to this song amuses me. Especially if the batter had his Louisville Slugger draped in scarves, Stevie Nicks-style.

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* "Fabulous Muscles", Xiu Xiu
Hat tip to jbissel at the Friends of Tom forum for this suggestion. I totally forgot Xiu Xiu existed, and how annoying and fey Jamie Stewart's voice is. He makes the guy from Antony and Johnsons sound like Henry Rollins. I want to find this song and give it an atomic wedgie. It's so wimpy, I think I lost some muscle mass just listening to it.



* "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)", Rupert Holmes
Also suggested by jbissel. Not only is this 70s relic inappropriate as walk-up music, but it also gives me a convenient excuse to post video of Joel and the Bots debating its merits.



* "Spirit of the Radio", Rush
I try to be open-minded and not make snap judgments in re: people's taste. However, there are certain bands that, if you profess to enjoy them, I have no problem immediately judging you. Say you like The Dead, I assume you smell like patchouli. If you say you like BrokeNCYDE, I assume you smell like Axe body spray and have had a lobotomy. If you say you like Rush, I assume you're familiar with the business end of a 100-sided die.

This song is no better or worse than any other Rush song. And it's not a bad song per se--I saw Ted Leo do a live, solo version of it at Tinkle years ago that almost made me like it (then again, Ted Leo's the kind of guy whose musicianship and enthusiasm make you like anything he covers; dude could cover Metal Machine Music and I would hum it on the way home).

But this song has the all the hallmarks of musical nerd-dom, i.e., complication for complication's sake: inscrutable lyrics, different sections shoe-horned together, and Neal Peart hitting every fucking drum head just because he can. It's the soundtrack to a fierce Dungeons and Dragons session.

I should note that one of my favorite Mets of all time, Jon Olerud, used to come to bat to "Tom Sawyer". But Jon Olerud is bulletproof in my book. Dude probably goes to bed in a batting helmet to this day.

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

These are all songs I heard in the police van last night while I awaited paperwork, presented without comment, because I will now look at them all as inappropriate (even though I would have anyway before this incident--for either walk-up music or soundtrack to sitting in a police van).

* "Single Ladies", Beyonce

* "Lollipop", Lil' Wayne

* "Poker Face", Lady GaGa
Yes, I know I picked this song already, way back when, but it bears repeating that I heard this on a police radio (!) while waiting to file a stolen vehicle report. So this terrible song is doubly weird for me now.

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* "Nothing Natural", Lush
This choice is a not-at-all-veiled excuse for me to post the video for a song I loved once upon a time. In the early 90s, just prior to the arrival of Nirvana, 120 Minutes was chock full o' English shoegazer bands that I liked a lot (this would be the Dave Kendall years, not the Kennedy years). Mind you, I didn't actually have cable at this time. I basically begged my more fortunate grandparents (who lived next door) to let me monopolize their VCR, for taping both this and Mystery Science Theatre 3000. They basically weren't watching TV when 120 Minutes or MST3K were on anyway, and they trusted me to not tape anything porn-arific.

Lush would later mutate into a much more poppy outfit. Or did they want to be poppy along and did the shoegaze thing to fit in with the 1991 music scene? In either case, I like this version better. Sheets of noise, cooing vocals--kinda like a more aesthetically pleasing My Bloody Valentine (more pleasing to me, anyway).



* "Rubber Car", Enon
I loved this when it came out in the early Oughts. It's like some mutant industrial Prince song. Haven't really dug any other Enon tunes since then, but maybe that's because this is so awesome taht everything else pales in comparison. I would love to see a stadium reverberate with RUBBA CAR!

* "Bumble Boogie", LIberace
I'm always a little suspicious when an artist passes from complete pop acceptance to universal derision. I think it's defense mechanism put on by people who realize that they bought into something that's no longer popular, so they have to be extra-harsh in their denunciation so no one suspects their Dirty Secret. Like Vanilla Ice, who's a walking joke, even though he sold more than 10 million albums. Somebody bought them CDs, people.

Earlier case in point: Liberace. He's a punchline nowadays for a million different reasons. But in the 1950s and 60s, he was HUGE. Like, Elvis and Sinatra Huge, just for a different audience. So to me, people's reactions to him have less to do with opinions formed by actually listening to his music (since he's not someone you exactly hear on the radio all the time), but by the collective embarrassment of, "Jeez, we liked THAT?"

Then again, having watched this video, I can't say I blame people for covering their tracks. There's just so much weirdness here. Like, turning "Flight of the Bumblebee" into a Fats Waller-style piano romp. And a fey, super-white guy doing a Fats Waller-style piano romp. And the out-of-nowhere emergence of a string quartet. It contains all the aggressive weirdness of something that has no idea how weird it is. Sadly, Liberace does not mention his brother George.

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* "I'm a Boy", The Who
A good slice of Mod-era Who, but the subject matter obviously puts it in the Inappropriate ledger. I'm surprised they were allowed to release this song way back in the 60s. Not too many songs about crossdressers back then, even in England (except "Arnold Layne", that's about it). And as far as I know, not any others about kids forced to crossdress because their mothers wish they were girls.



* "Octopus", Syd Barrett
Mentioning an early Pink Floyd track in today's first selection made me think of this Syd Barrett tune from The Madcap Laughs. That entire album is like listening to someone desperately cling to sanity, and it's sad and terrifying to know that he never truly succeeded. I find this cut from it particularly awesome/disturbing.



* "To Be With You", Mr. Big
It's no better or worse than any other crappy 80s Power Ballad, but it's inspired far too many dudes with acoustic guitars to film themselves playing it, then post it to YouTube. And no, I'm not going to link to any of those videos, because that's an almost textbook definition of shooting fish in a barrel.

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

*"Girl Afraid", The Smiths
I wanted to include a Smiths song in this list, but nearly all of them would be inappropriate in this context, so it was hard to pick just one. Then, I heard this song pop up on iTunes shuffle, and the lightbulb went off.



* "We're Having a Baby", The Make-Up
Not to be confused with "She's Having My Baby", which is just as inappropriate. I can think of some Make-Up tunes that would work as walk-up music ("Untouchable Sound" for one), but this ain't one of them.



* "Wo Ist Du Haus, Mama", Johnny Cash
They used to play this track often on WFMU, and I could never figure out if it was hilarious or bone-chilling. Just like The Beatles, The Man in Black cut a bunch of tracks in German early in his career. As much as Johnny Cash in English is bad-ass, that's how much Johnny Cash in German is fucking terrifying. All of the Deutsch versions are weird in this "video", but fast-forward to 6:24 to hear the especially bizarre tune "Wo Ist Du Haus, Mama".

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* "The Battle of Evermore", Led Zeppelin
I deem this song inappropriate because it does not rock, and because it's full of ridiculous medieval imagery and pseudo-mystical nonsense. And because it inspired a generation of dumb stoner metalheads to try to pick up 12-string guitars and write songs about hobbits.

Side note: There are many rock bands with have a charismatic frontman who is the strongest element from an image standpoint, but the absolute weakest musical link. Led Zeppelin is a prime example. See also: The Doors.

* The song from the tunnel scene in "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory"
Imagine you're at a game, and as someone comes to bat, the Jumbotron shows this scene. I mean, just picture this horror broadcast to a crowd of 50,000. By the time Gene Wilder sang "is it raining, is it snowing, is a hurricane a-blowing..." everyone in the stands would have soiled themselves.



* "Prayer to God", Shellac
Possibly the angriest song ever. Especially if you've ever seen them do it live. I saw Shellac twice, they did this song both times, and I swear my sternum was vibrating by the end as Steve Albini screamed KILL HIM! FUCKING KILL HIM! KILL HIM ALREADY! KILL HIM!

Also, never heckle Steve Albini unless you're prepared to get totally owned. (I absolutely hate the Show Heckling trend; every show I go to now, some hipster douche has a whole routine worked up in his head to yell at quiet parts of the show. But that's a whole other post.) One time I saw Shellac, some girl kept screaming at the top of her lungs, in a seemingly pseudo-ironic way. Albini finally couldn't take it anymore and yelled back, "Jesus, woman, what is your day job--siren?!"

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* "Dark Entries", Bauhaus
Suggested by The Wife. I like this because it actually sounds like it might be a rockin' walk up tune. But it's ultimately inappropriate because, duh, it's Bauhaus. Unless there's a contingent of major league Goths I'm unaware of.

Speaking of which, I recently heard Bauhaus covering "Ziggy Stardust". Holy crap, did that suck. I don't know what Bowie song they should cover, but that ain't it.

Speaking of which further, I swear on the holy book of your choice that I have a tape of a Jean Shepherd show from 1960 in which Shep describes secretly following around a young woman graffiti artist as she defaces various subway ads. And on one, she scrawls BELA LUGOSI IS DEAD. This blew my mind. Did some Goth chick travel back in time to profess her love for Peter Murphy on the A train?



* "You're the One for Me, Fatty", Morrissey
Also (partially) inspired by The Wife. She suggested "Tomorrow", but I thought this was a better cut off of Your Arsenal. I love that the relative girth of the singer's beloved is not mentioned at all except in the one titular line of the chorus. It almost has nothing to do with the song, and let the childish ludicrousness of it hangs over the song, even when the line is not being sung.



* "Send Me an Angel", Real Life
The sad thing is, I can see a team using this song in some capacity. In fact, I remember last April, with Moises Alou hurt (surprise surprise), the Mets leaned pretty heavily on Angel Pagan. There was one early game against the Phillies where Pagan knocked in the walk-off run in the bottom of the 12th, and the scoreboard flashed SEND US AN ANGEL! Thankfully, they didn't play this song.

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* "Dare Me", The Pointer Sisters
The Wife told me she wanted to compile a list of awesome Walk Up Music for the players on her fantasy team--like, what should play as they come to bat. So I suggested she google each of them and find out their real walk up music. She discovered that "Dare Me" is Derrek Lee's actual walk up music. What makes this even weirder is that the Cubs don't play prerecorded music at Wrigley Field--all songs are played by their organist. So imagine this song played on a stadium-sized organ. And envision the creepy drag-king gangster Pointer Sisters in the video. If that ain't inappropriate, tell me what is.



* "Fistful of Love", Antony and the Johnsons
I avoided hearing these guys for a long time. This weekend, I finally did, and I've heard about as much as I need to, thank you very much. The singer (Antony, I assume?) sounds like a slightly bassier version of Tiny Tim. Hard to pick one song, but I'll go with this one for the double entendres implied by its title.

* "Take My Breath Away", Berlin
Both because it's a sappy, synth-filled love ballad, and because it was on the soundtrack to Top Gun, which is straight up the gayest movie every made.

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* "Dust in the Wind", Kansas
Suggested by Jon from Maplewood over at the Friends of Tom forum. As he put it, "I have always felt that "Dust In the Wind" would be incredibly unsettling to everyone involved. The diverting effect of sports temporarily wiped away...all in earshot reminded of the existential truths about life. Does this next pitch matter? Not really. Ultimately, we will all die." Batter up!

* "Dude Looks Like a Lady", Aerosmith
Another FOT shoutout to Steve of Bloomington for this suggestion. In fact, pretty much any Aerosmith tune mid-80s onward works for our purposes. They all contain extremely high levels of suck. But this tune has some extra levels of inappropriateness to it that should be fairly obvious. It's one of those songs whose mere existence amazes me, never mind that it was a huge hit.

Speaking of which, seen Steven Tyler lately? Good god, he looks like Joan Rivers. Dress as Latter-Day Steven Tyler next Halloween--trust me, you'll clear the sidewalk.

* "No Language in Our Lungs", XTC
I've never tried to parse out my 50 favorite songs ever, but I'm sure this makes the list. In the XTC catalog, "Dear God" might be slightly more inappropriate as walk-up music, what with its aggressive and poignant atheistic message. But "No Language in Our Lungs" gets my nod for being more heart-wrenching. Plus, I'll always associate it with the scene in Freaks and Geeks where Bill begs not to be picked last for softball. He doesn't want to be picked first; he just wants to not be picked last for once in his life. I'm sure you can guess what happens. Lord, this kills me.

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* "I Want You", Elvis Costello
Even in a catalog full of vengeful, bitter songs (Elvis once said the only emotions he understood were anger and revenge), this tune stands as particularly harsh. Blood and Chocolate was recorded more or less live in the studio, which makes it even more visceral. As the song winds down, the mics are slowly turned down on everything but the vocals, so by the end all you hear is Elvis' painful lyrics and an organ wailing off in the background. Brutal.



* "Don't Touch My Bikin", The Halobenders
When I was in high school, the only "cool" radio station whose signal I could get in my room was Vassar's. I would tape 45-90 minute chunks every now and then so I could listen to them on my walkman later, hoping to find something new and awesome I couldn't hear anywhere else.

Vassar played this song one night, and as I listened to it on the way to school, it took every bit of my strength to not totally lose it. I was not yet familiar with Calvin Johnson or the whole K Record phenomenon, so I was completely unprepared for his aggressive brand of silliness. This remains one of my favorite songs that no one else seems to remember.



* "Outlaw Pete", Bruce Springsteen
Sometimes you see Bruce Springsteen do some live tunes and you think to yourself, "Man, he's still got it!" And then you hear new songs like "Outlaw Pete" and you think to yourself, "Jesus, he is totally off his rocker." If you can get through this 8 minute tune (8 MINUTES) in one sitting, you're a stronger man than I.

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

Today, on a whim, I decided to check out the Top 3 songs on the Hot 100 chart, figuring that they'd be inappropriate. Lo and behold, my instincts were right. The top three slots are currently occupied by terrible hip-hop songs with completely unoriginal beats and rhymes. Of course, lack of originality doesn't necessarily disqualify a song for walk-up purposes. But each of these songs disqualifies itself in their own special way.

1. "Right Round", Flo Rida
Let's see: Terrible beat? Check. Rhymes cribbed from every "we up in the club" song recorded in the last 10 years? Check. Hilariously wack flow despite having "flo" in your name? Check. Paraphrasing lyrics from the similarly named bad 80s song while also giving work to Katy Perry? Check. Okay, I think we're done here.

2. "Dead and Gone", T.I. featuring Justin Timberlake
If you can find any true differences between this song and "Gangster's Paradise", you've got a keener ear than I do.

The number 3 song this week is actually "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga, which I picked in my first Inappropriate Walk Up Music post. So I have to skip down to number 4, where we find:

4. "Kiss Me Through the Phone", Soulja Boy Tell 'em featuring Sammie
Aside from the cringe-worthy title, I swear I heard this beat/keyboard line combo in a Geico commercial.

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

Today I present the special spoken word edition. This is technically not music, but screw it. I made these rules, and I'll bend them as I see fit. Plus, this list is comprised of spoken word pieces by musical artists. So I think it adheres to the spirit, if not the letter, of this project.

* Anything from Paul Stanley's collection of stage banter, People, Let Me Get This Off My Chest
This hit the intertubes a year or two ago, but I only recently got a chance to hear it. I shouldn't say it's Paul Stanley's per se, but a collection made by a fan (or insane completist, or dedicated ironist) that compiles the KISS frontman's best stage banter. It's every bit as stupid as you might imagine. My favorite: this clip, in which Paul delivers outlines his battle plan for the rock n' roll war on terror.

* Any hip hop album "comedy" track
Prince Paul has brought us much joy, but he's also responsible for the proliferation of Hip Hop Comedy Filler Tracks in the 90s. He was the first to do it, and millions of MCs followed his lead by recording their own mini-auditions for SNL This trend allowed even the thinnest of CDs to stretch out to a respectable 37 minutes.

For ten years or so, even the best albums were interrupted by aggressively filthy bits, or outtakes of guys screwing around in the studio while extremely high. Like four minutes of garbage when you'd much rather have that precious disc space filled up by something like music. So I like the idea of a batter picking a track off of, say, The Chronic, but instead of hearing "Dre Day", he gets one of its intensely dated, unfunny skits.

* Venom stage banter
Venom was an 80s metal band from England that dabbled in Satanic imagery. In 1986, someone thought it would be a good idea to put them and Black Flag on the same bill. Fun! Aside from providing much chuckle fodder for Henry Rollins (as detailed in Get in the Van), this tour also resulted in one of the most hilarious collections of stage banter ever.

You can get the full story (and an MP3) in WFMU's blog here, but the short version is this: a Flag roadie (Joe Cole, probably) recorded a Venom show in New Jersey, edited out all of the music, and compiled lead singer Cronos' cringe-inducing stage banter. Comedy gold--nay, comedy platinum!

This tape became so legendary in music nerd circles that it was even released as a single by Thurston Moore's Ecstatic Peace label. I'd love to see a batter stroll to the plate while Cronos screams YOU WANNA HEAR SOMETHING THAT'S GONNA KICK YOUR BALLS OFF?!

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* "Seven Nation Army", The Flaming Lips
I'm sure there's several dozen major leaguers who walk up to the batter's box to the original White Stripes version. I'd love to see someone switch out the CDs and hear an entire stadium reverberate with Gibby Haynes-penned lines like "I'm goin to Florida/I'm gonna bowl me a perfect game/I'm goin to Florida/I'm gonna cut off both my legs..."



* "Shut Up", The Monks
This could actually be quite appropriate. Musically, it rocks pretty hard, as do most of The Monks' tunes. The inappropriateness comes from the band's image, their lyrics, their backstory, and their general outlook on life. They were all servicemen who played together in a band at their army base in Germany in the mid-60s. After their hitch ended, they stayed on in Hamburg to try and crack the same swingin' scene that birthed the Beatles. In a pique of collective madness, they renamed themselves The Monks and dressed like monks everywhere they went (even cutting their hair in tonsures). Luckily for them, Germany's just about the only country in the world where this act would fly.

The Monks made stompin' garage rock that was also darker than pretty much anything else circa-1965. It was probably as dark as anything, musically, until punk appeared 10 years later. They put out one album in Europe that was fucking incredible, then imploded from collective insanity and burnout. Here's a video to demonstrate the full extent of their crazy-tude.



* "I'd Rather Jack", The Reynold Girls
There's a Worst Song Ever thread going on at the Friends of Tom forum. FOT mike_b posted this video there, and while I can't say it's the worst song ever, I am astounded by its aggressively 1989-ish brand of pop suckitude. What makes it perfect for this post is that "I'd Rather Jack" could sort of apply to a batter (as in, I'd rather jack a home run over the center field wall), except that it's really a song about chicks who hate Fleetwood Mac and have decided to express this hatred to a Rick Astley beat.

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* "Feather of Forgiveness", Polvo
Remember Polvo? No? Am I the only one? Okay, they were on Merge in the early 90s, and they were kinda awesome. This ditty lives in my top-ten best Fuck You Songs of all time.



* "Magic Word", Fucked Up
I played this song in Holy Goddamn! 004, and it definitely rocks. But these guys kinda scare me. The leader singer looks like a super-violent version of Tim Harrington, which is almost too frightening to contemplate.

* "Bitches Brew", Miles Davis
One day, Major League Baseball will allow someone to come to bat to a 17-minute jazz fusion epic. I hope I live to see that day.

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* "Fuck the Pain Away", Peaches.
This would be especially inappropriate if, as you come up to bat, they play this video on the Jumbotron.



* "The Red Telephone", Love
I went through a very rough patch in my life where I listened to Forever Changes at least once a day. In case you don't know, Forever Changes was the result of Love frontman Arthur Lee realizing in 1967 that all the hippies were full of shit and that the Summer of Love would soon spiral into violence and horror. So he freaked out and convinced himself that he was gonna die at a criminally young age. To counteract the intense depressitude of this album, I would listen to Ted Leo's The Tyrrany of Distance. This is the oral equivalent of doing a fistful of 'ludes and following it up with some crank. And it's about as healthy for you, too.

 * "Puss", Jesus Lizard
Or substitute any other Jesus Lizard song. They're all equally inappropriate, especially when accompanied by "The Tight and Shiny".

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

Yes, it's St. Patty's Day, so that means an all-Irish offering of inappropriate tunes. Sure n' begorrah! Top o' the mornin' to ye, cleanup hitter!

* "Vengeance", The Nipple Erectors
I toyed with putting a Pogues song here, but most of their tunes are so rollicking and good-timey (even the really depressing ones) that none of them really worked for this feature. So I had to go back to Shane Macgowan's first band, The Nipple Erectors. This song is also kinda bouncy, but the lyrics are totally desperate and tortured and violent. Good ol' fashioned snotty punk rock, but just a little too angry about real-life stuff, and therefore disturbing. A perfect exemplar of Irish Alzheimer's: an exclusive ethnic condition that robs you of all your memories except your grudges.



* "Black Velvet Band" (traditional)
I'm including this song just to get something off my chest. This is a sad, disturbing murder ballad in the Irish vein. And yet, it was repurposed for use in The Wiggles as a cute song about a prince looking for his fair princess (which I know because The Baby demands to watch The Wiggles ALL THE TIME). Listen to this song and tell me if this is appropriate for a kids show. Or as walk up music, either. And tell me what would possess you to even CONSIDER using this song on a kids' show.



* "Vertigo", U2
Why is this inappropriate? Because we heard this song 12 times a day for 3 years and WE NEVER EVER NEED TO HEAR IT EVER AGAIN.

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

Today's list is comprised of Age Inappropriate Walk Up Music, dually inspired by a suggestion from The Wife and the topic of a Best Show (see below). Do you know how many "love" songs are about some old dude lusting after a teenager? A very disturbing ton, my friend, but I've chosen just three for today's offerings.

* "Let's Get It On", Marvin Gaye
The gold standard of baby-making music. I've never been able to hear it the same way, though, after I found out that Marvin Gaye wrote the song with a 17-year-old girl in mind (Marvin was 34 at the time). I guess that's legal in most jurisdictions, and maybe I'm a little old timey in this regard, but dating someone half your age is still a little skeevots in my book. And of course, the tune is entirely inappropriate as walk up music.

* "Into the Night", Benny Mardones
A one-hit wonder tune. The chorus makes it sound like typical love song treacle: "If I could fly, I'd pick you up/I'd take you into the night and show you a love/Like you've never seen, ever seen." It's made quite a bit creepier when you consider the first verse of this song: "She's just sixteen years old leave her alone, they say/Separated by fools who don't know what love is yet..." It would've been so easy to leave that line out, and just let people think it was a standard love song. Nope, this guy went out of his way to let you know that he was very specifically addressing a teenager. Creep.

* "Young Girl", Gary Puckett and the Union Gap
On a Best Show from a few years back, Tom Scharpling threw out the topic: Who is the sleaziest rocker? Callers suggested guys like Gene Simmons, G.G. Allin, etc. Tom's answer: Gary Puckett. Why? Because every nearly all of his hits are about being tempted by underage chicks. He's the lite-rock Humbert Humbert. "Young Girl" is his biggest hit and the most obvious offender, but take a listen to "This Girl Is a Woman Now" and just try not to be creeped out.

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* "Smell Yo Dick", Riskay
Hat tip to The WhiteBoomBoom. I had not heard of this song before, but I'm glad I have. I love how it's a standard R&B-type tune, except the singer soulfully croons lines like "You know that's fucked up" and "Lemme smell yo' dick."

* "Don't Know Much", Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt
Aaron Neville's voice drives me up the effin wall. He sang the national anthem before one Mets playoff game in 2006 and I swear it took 17 minutes. The Baby has Fisher Price Little People DVD she loves to watch, and Neville sings a theme song for it that haunts my dreams.

* "Queen Bitch", David Bowie
I have yet to see Milk, so maybe I'm not qualified to judge, but how was this song the theme to it? There are much better Bowie songs to choose from to use in the soundtrack for such a biopic. "Heroes", maybe? Then again, it's technically a tribute to Lou Reed and The Velvet Undeground, so...no, still doesn't make sense for a movie about gay struggle and uplift. And it's still inappropriate for walk up music. Although if there was a player who dared come up to bat to this tune, I think he would immediately become my favorite player.

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

Today, we present an all-Prince edition. I know I said I didn't want to put multiple songs by the same artist on this list. I lied. Sue me.

Prince = awesome. However, he has more than one song that doesn't work in this context. And I think we call can agree that the man can sometimes get a tad carried away.

* "Batdance"
Most Prince hits have aged well. This hasn't. It's trapped in this very weird moment in history known as 1989. Not the 80s. Not the 90s. Neon shirts, slap bracelets, New Jack swing--it's the land that time forgot!

* "Darling Nikki"
Better known as the song that launched the PMRC. Even by Prince's standards, this song is kinda ridiculous. In what sort of hotels do chicks sit in the lobby, pleasuring themselves to a magazine? And would you happen to have the address of any of these hotels?

* "If I Was Your Girlfriend"
Gender-bending funk--what major leaguer would have a problem with that?

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

Today, we go for an all-depressing slate of tunes, based on suggestions by Cuzzin Loutie and TheWhiteBoomBoom. All of these songs have been chosen because they wouldn't inspire fear in an opposing pitcher. They would just make him sad. He might serve you up a total meatball right over the heart of the plate because he feels so bad for you.

* "The Weeping Song," Nick Cave
As I mentioned in the comments yesterday, Nick Cave is a whole fount of inappropriate. But as long as we're going for depressing, there's not much worse than a song about crying.



Runner-up for Nick Cave: "O'Malley's Bar," a ten-minute epic off of Murder Ballads wherein he kills everyone in the titular establishment. My favorite line: "And with an ashtray as big as a really fucking big brick/I split his head in half..."

* "Blaspehmous Rumours", Depeche Mode
What, you don't think people want to hear a song about deformity and suicide when they go to the ballpark?

* "The Wall", Johnny Cash
"Boy, they're mean bastards, ain't they?"
 

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* "Footography", Foot Patrol
My pal Mikey J alerted me to the existence of Foot Patrol a while back. They're a group fronted by talented blind multi-instrumentalist T.J. Wade. He's kinda like Stevie Wonder--if Stevie Wonder had a foot fetish and sang about it in every song he wrote. Seriously, Foot Patrol bills itself "the only foot fetish funk band in existence".

Thing is, their songs honestly rock. So I can totally imagine some baseball player hearing one of these songs and thinking it sounds good enough for his walk up song, without knowing the backstory (although Wade's lyrics leave absolutely nothing to the imagination). Don't believe me? Here's a sample:



According my friend, Foot Patrol burned down the house the time he saw them in Austin, and the crowd begged for an encore, but they had exhausted all their original material. So the band came back out and played a ridiculously good cover of Ozzy Osbourne's "Mr. Crowley". Wow.

* "Nothing Left Inside", Black Flag
I wanted to pick something from My War/Slip It In-era Flag, but a most of it is super-aggressive and might actually work as walk-up music. Except for this song. A lot like the PiL tune I picked earlier, I think it would just make everyone in the stadium feel wrong and uncomfortable. And fear for their lives.



* "The Blood", The Cure
I guess most Cure songs would be inappropriate. But you have to give special consideration to a Spanish-themed anti-Christian song. True story: Once upon a time, when I was a Jehovah's Witness, all the other teens I knew in the congregation loved The Cure. Figure out that one, if you dare.

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* "Swanee", Al Jolson
Weirdly old-timey or borderline racist, depending on your POV. I'd love to hear an old scratchy 78 played out of a modern PA system. The crackles and pops would sound pristine!

* "Cherry Bomb", The Runaways
Kick-ass tune, BUT more of a kick-ass tune for kick-ass chicks. Until kick-ass chicks break into the major leagues, it remains inappropriate.

* "Freaxxx", brokeNCYDE
Inappropriate in any context.

For previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* "Brass in Pocket," The Pretenders
As suggested by Cuzzin Loutie. I like The Pretenders, I like Chrissie Hynde, and I like this song. But now I see a batter coming up to the plate as Chrissie sings, "I'm special...so special..I gotta have all of your...attention... give it to me." That mental image makes me cringe. Totally inappropriate as walk up music. Except for A-Rod.

* "Lucky Man", Emerson Lake and Palmer
As suggested by TheWhiteBoomBoom. I imagine the batter making unreasonable demands of the crowd, kinda like with the Bright Eyes song I mentioned here a few days ago. But in this case, I picture some batter who's really into prog rock, and he makes everyone in the stadium be quiet during the endless synth solo.

* "That Smell", Lynyrd Skynyrd
Even for the low standards I ascribe to Skynyrd, this is an awful song. Every time I hear it, I think to myself, "Seriously, someone wrote a song with a chorus that goes "ooooh, that smell"?!

For the original Inappropriate Walk Up Music post, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* "Monster Mash", Bobby "Boris" Pickett
In general, novelty songs = inappropriate walkup music. But I bet there's some major leaguer who'd come to bat to a Weird Al tune.

* "Brand New Key," Melanie

* "Uncle Tom's Cabin", Warrant
I love it when dumb guys try to stretch out. Like when a hair metal band best known for sexual innuendo involving pies pens a Southern gothic epic, and names it after a classic anti-slavery novel for no discernible reason.

For the original Inappropriate Walk Up Music post, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* "Invisible Touch", Genesis
Phil Collins is an example of an artist with an entire oeuvre that's inappropriate for use as walk up music, with the possible--POSSIBLE--exception of "In the Air Tonight" (not that the Peter Gabriel-led version of Genesis would be any better; I doubt any batter would opt for "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"). I have a self-imposed rule for this project that I won't select the same artist twice, but I may just have to violate it, because I can think of about 1200 Phil Collins songs that crack me up in this context.

* "Careering", Public Image Ltd.
I guess anything from the super-dubby Jah Wobble-era PiL would qualify, but I find this song particularly creepy. But not in a way that would intimidate the pitcher. I imagine that if this song were played over a stadium PA, everyone in the crowd would feel weird and wrong and want to leave as soon as possible.

* "Poison Arrow," ABC
This songs gets played a lot on an 80s/90s "modern rock" music channel on Time Warner Cable. It came on as I "watched" it last night, and immediately said to The Wife that it would be a good song to include here. She countered by wondering how it would sound as a merengue song--would that spice it up enough for the likes of, say, Jose Reyes? For the next 15 minutes, we riffed on this idea. The details are way too stupid to share, but I remember assigning the synth part to a seven-piece horn section, which would also sing the chorus. And there would be a four minute trombone solo.

For the original Inappropriate Walk Up Music post, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart," Elton John + Kiki Dee
Please don't make me tell this story again.

* "At the Bottom of Everything," Bright Eyes
Especially inappropriate if you walk up to the eerie opening monologue. And refuse to step in the batter's box until it's over. And demand that the entire stadium be perfectly silent as it plays.

* "Touch Me", The Doors
Worst Doors hit (I was gonna say worst Doors song, but I've heard worse deep album tracks). It's like Jim Morrison singing a Fat Elvis song. If Elvis circa 1973 did this song in Vegas, followed by "Suspicious Minds," would you have been surprised? Ironically, The Doors didn't do another listenable album until Jim Morrison actually got Elvis-Fat for LA Woman.

For the original Inappropriate Walk Up Music post, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* Erasure, "A Little Respect"
Courtesy of CuzzinLoutie. I think virtually any Erasure song would qualify. "I Love to Hate You," for instance, would be just as ridiculous in this situation.

* "Don't Hold Your Love Out on Me, Baby"
Courtesy of TheWhiteBoomBoom. I can't think of this song without thinking of the MST3K skit in which The Bots ask Joel to explain this song, and they all sing it heartily in unison. Was the group that sang this song called Hamilton, Joe, Frank, and Reynolds? Or Hamilton, Joe Frank, and Reynolds? Or Hamilton, Joe, Frank, Ann, Reynolds?

* ZZ Top, "She's Got Legs"
That would just be weird. Also, it conjures up memories of the 80s commercial for L'eggs pantyhose that featured this song sung by a chorus of chicks. I was very disappointed to find out that L'eggs no longer come in a plastic egg-shaped shell.

For the original Inappropriate Walk Up Music post, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs--although that certainly helps. They are merely songs that don't evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* "Closer to Fine," Indigo Girls
Suggested by Cuzzin Loutie; we also would have accepted "Galileo"

* "Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey": Paul McCartney
I like this song, but I'm amused by the thought of someone taking practice cuts during the jaunty Admiral Halsey section. Like, Albert Pujols staring down the pitcher while Sir Paul toots "He had to have a berth, or he couldn't get to sleep..."

* Charlene, "Never Been to Me"
They used to reference this song all the time on Mystery Science Theatre 3000. In fact, I was unaware it was an actual song for the longest time; I just thought "I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me" was one of those touchy-feely Me Decade phrases. If you've never heard the song, it's just as ridiculous as that line implies.

My brother recently purchased MLB 09:The Show for Playstation 3 (ME WANTEE). One of the many features of this game is that you can upload your own MP3s to the hard drive and customize walk-up music for all your favorite players.

You can also record your own crowd noise. Seriously, if I had this game (or a PS3), I would spend so much time customizing the game environment, I would never actually play a game. I'd spend an entire day recording hateful taunts for Chipper Jones alone. Most of them wouldn't be the least bit clever, either. Stuff like, "Chipper, I hope one day everyone you love abandons you and die alone and afraid!"

This revelation led to the discussion of awesome walk-up songs, and what we would pick for our own walk-up songs if we were major leaguers. Me, I'd opt for either "Right Brigade" by Bad Brains or the intro to "Little Friend" by Minor Threat. Yes, I gave this a great deal of thought.

But this also led to a parallel train of thought: What would be the worst walk-up music ever? Not necessarily the worst songs ever (although bad songs would surely have an edge here). But these tunes would have to be the exact opposite of the kind of intimidating, in-your-face songs that most hitters opt for.

Real-life example: Robin Ventura gets a lifetime pass from yours truly. He hit the grand slam single, which means I would totally bust that guy out of jail if he asked me to. But during the 2000 season, his at-bats were accompanied by various Bob Dylan songs. Most often, "Like a Rolling Stone" or "Positively 4th Street." *

* I possess several bits of video/audio evidence that will attest to this fact, but I dare not post them for fear of MLB's mighty lawyer-filled wrath. So you'll have to take my word for it.

Now, far be it from me to impugn either of these classics. But they're really not songs a major league baseball player should hear as he steps to the plate. I would pick 8 million songs I can't stand before I picked ruminative, existential tunes like these.

So, my little project from now until Opening Day (or  for as long as I can stand it): come up with three songs a day that would be completely inappropriate as walk-up music.

Paint yourself a mental picture: You're in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20... The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter's box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* "Poker Face," Lady GaGa

* "Caught a Light Sneeze," Tori Amos

* "The Loadout," Jackson Brown