Category Archives: Seasonal Fare

Seasonal Fare

Groundhog Day Fun Facts!

  • groundhog.jpgGroundhog Day was developed by Punxsutawney, PA in a desperate attempt to employ its notoriously shiftless rodent population.
  • The holiday dates back to a dark time in American history, when only groundhogs were allowed to study meteorology.
  • If the groundhog sees emerges from its hole, expect an early spring. If he sees his shadow and goes back into his hole, there will be six more weeks of winter. If he scratches his nose, we skip the rest of winter, spring, and summer and head straight into autumn. And if he eats a small, juicy carrot, pray for your mortal soul, for the end is nigh.
  • Did you know the ancient Egyptians revered the groundhog as a god? You shouldn’t have known that, because it’s not true.
  • In 1943, Punxsutawney Phil became involved in an elaborate OSS-sponsored plot to assassinate Hitler. The plan never came to fruition, however, because the spy agency couldn’t figure out how to get the Fuhrer to visit Pennsylvania.
  • The officiants at Groundhog Day dress in turn-of-the-century garb not for ceremonial purposes, but as part of an elaborate fetishistic ritual whose details you are better off not knowing.
  • February 2 is also the day when Bill Murray reminds everyone who approaches him that if they ask him about nothing but Groundhog Day, they’ll get a roundhouse kick to the throat.
Seasonal Fare

2009: I Heard You Jerks Talking About Me

2009 here. Remember me? Doesn’t ring a bell? I’ll give you a hint: I’m the year you’ve been bad mouthing for the last month. Yeah, that one.

I heard what you guys said about me. What a horrible year. Can’t wait for this year to be over. Next year’s gotta be better than this one. You people think I’m deaf? Or do you just hate me so much you don’t give a shit whether I hear you or not? Insensitive assholes.

You didn’t have a shitty year, okay? Shitty things happened to you during the year. That’s not my fault. A year is just a timeline on which events occur. If somebody runs a red light and hits your car, do you blame the street? I don’t think so.

It’s not my job to make sure your life runs smoothly. How about taking responsibility for your own actions instead of a buncha squares on the calendar? Believe me, if I had the power to make people’s lives harder, you woulda had a lot rougher time this year during me.

And did anyone ever thank me for continuing the march of time and keeping it from coming to a grinding halt? No, of course not. Assholes.

At my wrap party, I told 2010, “Everybody loves you now, but just wait until December. People were once cursing 2008 and begging me to begin, you know.” He just nodded and turned away to chat up some chick. Stupid punk. Think he knows everything. He’ll learn the hard way. They always do.

This time next year, when you’re cursing out 2010 and wishing for the good old days of me, you know where I’ll be? On a beach somewhere, laughing my ass off. Good luck this year, you pricks. You’re gonna need it.