Best Show Log: 2002

01.01.2002

No show

01.08.2002

Start: intro: Tom appreciates the Stones dropping by the studio, so he spins one of their tunes; music: The Rolling Stones, "2000 Man", The Spiny Anteaters, "We Kicked Back", The Groundhogs, "Cherry Red", Bevis Frond, "I've Got Eyes in the Back of My Head"; after several off-weeks, the Best Show's back for 2002! FOT cards have gone out!; back announce; Tom worries he may be up against That 80s Show, because that show will run forever!
0:27: Eric reports receiving his FOT card, but calls Tom a liar for not showing up at the big hasu/anti-hasu fight on Christmas Day; Tom swears he was there
0:29: Doug from Buffalo reports a warm feeling from receiving his FOT card
0:32: Dan Roberts of the We Love Jesse Organization [JW] wants Tom to host a tribute to Senator Helms (Jesse Rocks!) event in the Bahamas for an enormous fee; turns out to be Hot Rockin' Ronnie, now broadcasting old timey country music as Ron Bob Ford out of Tamer's Creek, Georgia; continually badmouths his "rube" listeners and makes money on the side stealing/reselling farm equipment, with the help of The Gorch [Best Show Gems, 11.29.10]
1:02: music: David Dondero, "If You Break My Heart"; back announce
1:07: interview with Paul Collins, author of Banvard's Folly: Tales of Renowned Obscurity, Famous Anonymity, and Rotten Luck
2:09: music: Harper's Bazaar, "If We Ever Needed the Lord Before", Oneida, "Mr. Clean", Cobra Verde, "Modified Frankenstein", Moto, "It Tastes Just Like a Milkshake"; back announce
2:25: A Very Depressed Office Worker [AE] checks in; after a horrifying office Christmas party, he finally decides to quit his job on the air; he calls up his boss [?], who assures him that his wife and kids had an excellent Christmas--with his boss
2:56: a thoroughly depressed Tom can only play music: Fugazi, "Hello Morning"; outro

01.15.2002

Start: intro; music: Mission of Burma, "That's How I Escaped My Certain Fate"; Tom promises a super-duper high-tech intro to the show next week; music: The Volcano Suns, "Walk Around", The Hives, "Main Offender", White Stripes, "Angel/Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground", The Groundhogs, "Still a Fool"; back announce; there's something different about the Best Show now, which Tom promises to reveal later; Tom wants to hear from people who've received their FOT card
0:28: FOT Dave calls in to read the FOT creed and pledge; Tom wants to bring all the FOTs (The Lease-busters) over to Dave's apartment for his birthday; Tom tries to get Dave to fix his toilet in exchange for a swirlie; Tom defends his decision not to laminate the FOT cards
0:35: Hasu Kid reports receiving his FOT card and GameCube for Christmas; Eric/Anti-Hasu Kid joins him and Tom on the line to berate both of them for not showing up for their Christmas Day fight; Tom wants the kids to admit they let the program down, then proposes a battle involving bathyspheres
0:44: Philly Boy Roy Ziegler [JW] unfavorably compares the Jets to 'nem Eagles, and all things Philly to New York, while promoting the enormous box sets issued by his own label, Philly Pride Records; Tom is baffled by his aggressive Philly accent; he asks callers to defend Jersey's honor, but none are impressive (save Officer Tom); Roy makes a possible love connection with caller Eva; producer Roger Tamblyn [AE] calls in and offers to meet up with Roy in Philly to discuss some musical ideas [Best Show Gems, 03.11.2009]
1:24: music: Moto, "It Tastes Just Like a Milkshake", Stiplicon, "True", Oneida, "Anthem of the Moon", Nikki Sudden, "New York"; back announce
1:44: inspired by John Turturro's portrayal of Howard Cosell in Monday Night Mayhem, Tom will tell it like it is from now on; what needs to be told like it is?; Tom shares a quick and cheap lamination how-to
1:50: Bob wants some advice on missing luggage; Tom recommends a hand-written letter to exploit the human angle; Bob gets GOMPed for his unwillingness to name his heroes; Tom debates the GOMPing with a confusing self-dialogue
2:00: email: Tom does not prefer Fred Willard's Howard Cosell to John Turturro's; "Vincent Gallo" wants to know who is the worst director in Hollywood; Tom thinks it's Joel Schumacher and reviews his horrific output
2:03: Scott T wants to know why KITT in Knight Rider didn't crash through the truck when he docked in it, and how metal tubes are made; Tom thinks he should not be concerned with such trivia and threatens to kick him out of FOT, but exposes him as a talented artist
2:09: caller thinks all the other actors in Monday Night Mayhem paled against John Turturro, appreciated the depth of the Howard Cosell character
2:13: Scott T hasn't received his FOT card yet; Tom promises to track it down; email: what did Tom think of the encore at the Mission of Burma show? Tom didn't appreciate Thurston Moore and Lee Renaldo taking 10 minutes to hook up their guitars; Tom talks about his Survivor audition; no interest in Ali; a recounting of the many double-crossings in The Heist
2:23: music: Neutral Milk Hotel, "Song Against Sex", Donna Summer, "Heavy Rollin and Arps", Chemical Brothers, "Hoops", The Mirrors, "Hands in My Pocket", Bevis Frond, "Termination Station Gray"; back announce; emailer compares America to Chris Makepeace in My Bodyguard; another emailer is not a fan of Tom; phones are dead--apparently no one wants to hear it told like it is!
2:54: Ryan from Stro wants to know if his band will make it; Tom thinks he needs to change the band's name to The Medical Marijuana (or The Gas Station Dogs), and polls the listeners, who agree; outro

01.22.2002

Start: a new and improved Best Show intro and theme; music: Thin Lizzy, "Suicide", The Lost Sounds, "Don't Turn Around", The Mirrors, "She Smiled Wild", Woodsy, "The Woodsy Rap"; back announce; Tom will interview Woodsy later in the show, whose song is storming the charts in Europe; emailer concurs with Tom's dislike of the Mission of Burma encore; break up the Knicks!; will That 80s Show be the worst show ever?; become a FOT!
0:27: Philly Boy Roy [JW] challenges Tom to an all-or-nothing bet--if the Eagles don't win it all, Tom gets everything Roy owns, including his house in Manayunk and all the houses he's accumulated in other all-or-nothing bets
0:35: Eric/Anti-Hasu Kid wants to hear Wesley Willis, who makes Tom sad; Eric promotes Diabolical Commodities, a band featuring a fellow lifeguard; Tom discusses the new catchphrase suffix, "-zors", wants to reschedule a hasu/anti-hasu fight involving jetpacks
0:41: to counter Philly Boy Roy's anti-Jersey rants, caller says "Uncle Floyd rules!"; Tom debates the semantics of the word "rules"; Tom is paid $1K a day to think about people watching Junkyard Wars, wants to see if caller could qualify for similar work; they discuss You Can't Do That on Television and its cyber version, The Lisa Welchel Show
0:52: music: X, "[?]" Mickey and the Masonics, "Mumbo Jumbo", Woodsy, "The Woodsy Rap"; back announce
1:01: interview with Woodsy [?], the Utica-centric, sub-obsessed rapper whose rap is selling like hotcakes in Germany, Belgium, and Austria (which he seems to have confused with Australia)
1:26: Mike [JW], just back from Europe, says that Woodsy-mania has swept the continent
1:28: Woodsy takes some more calls; Woodsy-related email; Tom stands up for call-screener Dave; apparently, the WFMU message board hates Tom's show
1:39: music: David Kilgour, "Slippery Slide", Bevel, "Through Reflection Inhabits", Belle and Sebastian, "Marx and Engels", Cornelius, "Point of Viewpoint; back announce; caller Scott T will do a book report on pipe maker; email about how Tom has "bad taste in music" prompts...
1:59: music: Big Dipper, "Mr. Woods"; back announce; Tom wants to have a FOT steak-eating contest; someone has snatched up Hasu.com and wants $1100 for it; wouldn't it be great if we all lived in the internet a la Tron?, email from the Diabolical Commodities guy
2:07: Conrad Sheraton, who demands to be called Captain Catchphrase [AE], shares his theories on successful catchphrase writing and some his still-unsold gems, writes a quick catchphrase for a college student
2:43: station announcements
2:45: music: Nikki Sudden, "Fashion Cult" Sly and the Family Stone, "Space Cowboy", Motherlight, "On a Meadow Lea"; back announce; outro, creepy Orson Welles monologue

01.29.2002

No show

02.05.2002

Start: intro, music: Glass Candy, "Be a Dolly", Gasoline, "Merry Go Round", Neil Michael Hagerty, "Louisa La Ray"; confusing self dialogue; back announce;
0:20: Tom discusses the Super Bowl, the halftime show, and the terrifying commercials; Paul McCartney's embarrassing appearance; Tom declares Lord of the Rings "the worst hunk of garbage ever dedicated to celluloid"
0:29: caller saw LOTR with his kids and thought it was great because it didn't have "perversions" or violence in it, and it had religious/philosophical overtones; Tom wonders why he has to read Tolkien before seeing the movies; caller thinks Tom just wants to see violent, "gay" stuff; Tom thinks LOTR was the most latently homosexual movie he's ever seen, flushes caller
0:35: caller agrees that LOTR was boring; Tom wonders why it's okay to watch CGI orcs get their faces slashed open
0:40: Philly Boy Roy [JW] is outside the WFMU studio with his whole family, ready to make good on his all-or-nothing bet, but he accuses Tom of "tricking" him into taking the bet and having inside information; Roy negotiates for which personal items he can and can't keep, eventually welches on his bet entirely
0:56: Eric/Anti-Hasu Kid wants to fight Philly Boy Roy and the Hasu Kid in a battle royale
0:59: Scott T reports on his extensive pipe-making research, interrupted by a promo for Diabolical Commodities; Tom thinks a show called Pipe Detective would be more interesting than LOTR; the success of LOTR means that somehow the hippies have won
1:17: caller reports the horror of seeing LOTR on a first date; Tom no longer likes Led Zeppelin thanks to LOTR; Tolkien and Stephen King = dumb people's smart books; the quality of Time Bandits and Excalibur is discussed
1:27: Kate One is berated for never sending Tom his promised package; Kate One says don't blame Led Zeppelin for the suckitude of LOTR; another caller clarifies the UK spelling of "rumour", as does WFMU DJ Gaylord; Kate One reports on how to say "throw up" in German
1:42: George defends LOTR as a communal event/geek detector; Tom insists he is not fighting his Inner Hobbit
1:47: DJ Spooky [AE] makes some odd record requests to inspire him as he composes music for Air Bud 4; email
1:52: caller has no interest in seeing LOTR; Tom says it's worse than 8mm, Hardbodies 1 and 2, and Ski Patrol; emailers chime in on Canadian spellings
1:58: caller wants to know the worst scene in LOTR; Tom recounts scene where Gandalf jumps off a castle and lands on a giant bird
2:03: Sunshine takes issue with Tom taking issue with LOTR; Tom may be willing to end his feud with the hippies on her behalf; caller thinks "geek" is the new punk; Tom wonders what it feels like to be the only woman who's ever read Tolkien, introduces her to wonderful world of Harry Knowles, hangs up on her for toilet talk
2:15: caller corrects Tom on LOTR character name: Striver, not Striker (notorious gay porn actor)
2:17: Ryan from Stro says he's writing a song for the next LOTR, possibly changing the band's name to Gandalf's Hat, and promotes a benefit gig
2:21: Matthew wants to know why he has to read a book before he sees a movie, because not getting LOTR made him feel like it was his fault; Tom wants to act out "it's not your fault!" scene in Good Will Hunting, but Matthew fails miserably
2:26: Sunshine calls back to apologize for cursing and further defend geeks, hangs up when Tom mocks geeks
2:26: Eric/Anti-Hasu Kid acts out the Good Will Hunting scene with Tom; Jurrassic Park 3 was half as bad as LOTR because it was half as long; they discuss the rottenness of both movies and crappy Super Bowl commercials; Tom quizzes Hasu Kid on his favorite female pop stars
2:38: music: Nikki Sudden, "Jangletown", Bevis Frond, "Lights Are Changing", White Heaven, "My Cold Dimension"; back announce
2:54: Rob, a member of Hova's Heroes, wishes Tom a happy birthday, thinks the FOT cards have a "girl's handwriting" on them
2:58: Tom reads from, then cannibalizes, Harry Knowles' LOTR review; outro

02.12.2002

Start: intro, music: Sweet, "Fox on the Run", White Stripes, "Expecting", Cobra Verde, "Riot Industry", The Hives, "Main Offender", The Royal Five, "Gonna Keep Loving You"; Tom has a confusing three-way dialogue with himself; back announce
0:25: Chris berates Tom for dismissing Michael Jordan's comeback with the Wizards, gets hung up on
0:29: caller wants listener reviews of Intellivision Classic Games for Playstation; Tom mocks him for being an Intellivision fan instead of an Atari fan, recounts Intellivision's line of George Plimpton-related games
0:35: caller suggests the previous caller just buy an old Intellivision system on eBay; Tom discusses how Intellivision made you a social pariah, suggests a violent ad campaign for Atari
0:39: caller plays audio from old George Plimpton Intellivision commercial, gets hung up on for toilet talk
0:41: Oscar noms out, Lord of the Rings nominated for 13 awards!
0:43: caller has a Watergate method for picking Oscar winners: follow the money
0:49: George Plimpton caller apologizes for toilet talk; Tom accepts his apology but flushes him anyway
0:50: George reads a Tolkien quote that Tom takes as an attack on his show; does he need to go beat up Tolkien now, or just his children?
0:55: Eric/Anti-Hasu Kid weighs in on the best pretzels in the world; Tom grills him on his favorite female pop stars; Anti-Hasu Kid wants callers to vote on who they like better: him or the Hasu Kid?
1:01: Barry Levitz from CAA [JW] wants to book a band called Punk on Tom's show, which features Michael Jackson on bass, who now prefers to be called Mike Jackyl, the Prince of Punk; Barry says Mike is really into bands like "Dead Kennedy" and "Black Flags" and has bought out Dischord Records to produce Punk's first single, "American Shame" [Best Show Gems, 07.13.2009]
1:37: music: Bevis Frond, "[?]", The Rites of Spring, "Comin' On Back to Me", Cornelius, "Pointed Viewpoint", Uzi, "Pale Light"; back announce
1:54: Matthew gets another shot at performing a scene from Good Will Hunting and does two good takes, one to the tune of Elliott Smith
2:02: was LOTR released in an alternate universe?; the insanity of audience reaction to American Beauty, the Rocky movies, and Class of 1984; Tom writes a lengthy note to alert WFMU that the studio headphones are possibly infected with headlice; emailer wants to hear a story about a guitar shop that Tom may not have told; you can't trust men with women's names, but you can always trust women with men's names
2:18: Dan from Diabolical Commodities checks in and quickly becomes the creepiest caller ever, gets flushed and GOMPed
2:24: music: Clinic, "Welcome", KISS, "Love Is Blind", The Lost Sounds, "Don't Turn Around", The McTells, "Cat", The Honey Cone, "Want Ads"; Tom recalls the Don Adams sitcom Check It Out; LOTR love via email; someone accuses Tom of stealing GOMP; back announce; Gene Simmons has transformed into Ron Popeil; emailers can't wait to hear Mike Jackyl and Punk; Tom denounces Intellivision some more and compares its going price on eBay vs. Atari
2:51: Small Change previews his interview with Dan the Automator; Tom does not want to see the people who make his food; are record fairs worse than airplanes in re: germs?; the hideousness of Gladiator discussed; 24 sucks; Vin Diesel as an Olympic snowball fighter; the awesomely awful trailer for XXX; outro

02.19.2002

Start: intro, music: The Dog Faced Hermans, "Too Much for the Red Ticker", White Stripes, "The Same Boy You've Always Known", White Stripes, "Union Forever", White Stripes, "Little Room", Rolling Stones, "Salt of the Earth"; Tom debuts his new catchphrase, "Awwww, no!"; back announce
0:23: Tom is excited about the live performance by Mike Jackyl and Punk!; "It" has been revealed as the Segway; Tom recounts the bizarre Segway joust on The Tonight Show; Tom checks out Segway auctions on eBay; are the phones quiet because of Olympic women's figure skating?
0:36: Eric/Anti-Hasu Kid defends Dan from Diabolical Commodities; Tom says emailers want no more of the Anti-Hasu Kid
0:39: Chris in Toronto can't buy a Segway; what kind of person would be the first on their block to get a Segway?; Chris introduces Tom to The Loony, wants to know if him and his friend Gord getting high and editing Best Show clips constitutes a FOT outing
0:45: caller does not think the FOT card letter looks womanly; has 29 points on his license and wants help from Officer Tom; Tom thinks he'd do better hacking into the DMV computer a la War Games
 0:49: Officer Tom is amazed that someone with 29 points on their license is still driving, shares his experiences with speeders and other bad drivers; what's the weirdest thing he's ever been offered to get out of a ticket?; are cops in Jersey arresting people for going to see Super Troopers?
1:03: Gord wants to hear Punk cover "Sickles and Hammers"; Tom does not officially sanction his FOT outing with Chris and says all loonies donated during the pledge marathon will be dumped in the Hudson; Gord wants to see The Gorch do a Rascal jump; who is a Canadian superstar Tom would know nothing about?; Gord schools Tom on Canadians' apologetic nature ("What do you guys have to apologize for, Yonge Street?")
1:14: music: Speed, Glu, and Shinki, "Run and Hide", Cornelius, "Brazil", The Hives, "AKA Idiot"; back announce; Tom is still anxiously awaiting the arrival of Mike Jackyl and Punk 1:28: caller wants Tom's take on the strange Jayson Williams affair
1:32: Tom calls up Barry Levitz [JW], who is annoyed to be bothered during his vacation in the Bahamas; Barry says Michael's "dumb idea" to be the Prince of Punk is over; Barry's more excited about signing "the biggest star in the world", Tom Wilkinson (aka T-Wilk); Tom tries to extract an apology from Barry, who doesn't think he has to apologize to "a high school radio station" [Best Show Gems, 07.27.2009]
2:01: Tom checks in on the Segway auction on eBay, encourages anyone who sees someone on a Segway to laugh at them; email
2:05: music: Let's Audio!, "Time Slave", Clinic, "Welcome", Neil Michael Hagerty, "Louisa La Ray"; back announce; Tom checks out the Segway auction once more and bids on it, using Hot Rockin' Ronnie's name
2:24: Trish from North Carolina shares the trials and tribulations of bar ownership
2:35: The Party Doctor [AE] discusses how he starts parties or keeps them going; his philosophy: "Good Times Save Lives!"; he wants to know if Tom is interested in being a "satellite" party doctor
2:51: Tom compares this show to a Grateful Dead show; emailer wants to know what Jason Williams did; more email
2:55: music: Gasoline, "Merry Go Round"; outro

02.26.2002

Start: intro; music: Sadon Nation, "Mom and Pop Democracy", Mooney Suzuki, "Oh Sweet Susanna", DMZ, "Go to School", Party of Helicopters, "Slow Dance"; Tom previews the WFMU Pledge Marathon; back announce; Tom previews the Glutton Bowl extravaganza; Tom needs an FOT to volunteer for a special project
0:25: David from Brooklyn volunteers but is exempt because he has no TV; he prefers to read bad novels; Tom can't physically read trade paperbacks; David hasn't joined FOT because he fears being drafted; Tom reveals his abandoned plans to emulate Tron; Tom still needs a volunteer to review Julia Louis-Dreyfus's new show and report back to him
0:33: Gord from Canada sings the praises (literally) of Stompin' Tom Connors, Canada's Woody Guthrie, and talks of his love of curling and Wayne Gretzky's staged motivational techniques; Gord repeats his pledge: if Tom can provide him with the names of five Canadian FOTs, he will pledge to WFMU in American dollars instead of Canadian loonies
0:44: Chris from Canada schools Tom on Canada's lax pot laws, discusses Gretzky's motivational techniques and hockey players' superior athleticism; he won't go see the Raptors because of their stupid name
0:52: Intellivision caller thinks basketball players can't fight to save their lives, has rethought his opinion of Intellivision, wishes you could put your face in a sports game; Tom doesn't think this technology will ever, ever exist, predicts the future rise of Glorp Ball; jai alai is discussed; Tom talks about insanely dangerous bets he has taken
0:57: music: The Illusions, "Shadows of You", Monkees, "Door into Summer"; back announce
1:03: interview with Richard Shea from International Federation of Competitive Eating, who talks about the Glutton Bowl, the upcoming Gutbusters show, and the growing popularity of competitive eating, takes calls
1:17: interview with competitive eater Ed "Cookie" Jarvis, questions from callers
1:44: interview with competitive eater/WFMU volunteer Andy "Eyes" Goldstein, who Tom wants to train a la Mickey in Rocky
2:13: music: Spacemen 3, "Losing Touch with My Mind", Clinic, "The Equalizer", Rocket from the Tombs, "Life Stinks", Oneida, "People of the North", Transformer Lootbag, "Measured in Waves", Martin and Neil, "Red Flowers", Beach Boys, "Til I Die" (instrumental), Bob Dylan, "Lay Lady Lay"; Tom's still looking for a sitcom reviewer; back announce; emailer wants to know if any WFMU DJ's do the marathon in the nude; emailer advises Tom how to get his money back from a movie theatre in Elvish
2:54: Ryan from Stro wants to know if Tom got his demo; Tom once again encourages him to change the band name to The Medical Marijuana and let him manage the band; outro

03.05.2002 [marathon week 1]

Start: intro, music: The Rolling Stones, "We Love You", The Raspberries, "Tonight"
0:12: for WFMU Marathon Week 1, Tom is joined by Hova and Belinda from Greasy Kid Stuff; Tom promises he will not be soft on the audience!; pledge pleas, prizes, and thank yous
0:22: music: The Screws, "Betcha Can't Kiss Me", The Embarrassment, "Pod Man"
0:31: pledge pleas, prizes, and thank yous
0:34: Michael Jackson [JW] wants to pledge to apologize and pledge to Tom's show, and also wants Tom to dance on the air with him; turns out to be Hot Rockin' Ronnie, who is now broadcasting college fight songs out of West Hoover, Maine; HRR harasses Belinda and talks about his own kids show, Uncle Ron's Fun Factory (with co-host The Gorch)
0:48: pledge pleas, prizes, and thank yous
0:52: music: Elvis Presely, "A Little Less Coversation", Superchunk, "Late-Century Dream"
0:58: pledge pleas, prizes, and thank yous; WFMU is giving away Lord of the Rings glass goblets, which dredges up Tom's hatred of the movie; Hova's a little threatened by HRR; Tom tries Jedi mind tricks to stimulate pledges; Tom has "special" t-shirts for Belinda and Hova, which he will reveal shortly
1:17: music: The Shins, "Girl Inform Me", David Bowie, "Hang Onto Yourself"
1:22: pledge pleas, prizes, and thank yous; Tom reveals his special t-shirts for Belinda and Hova that say TOM IS MY RULER, which they must wear if $3K worth of pledges roll in
1:29: music: International Noise Conspiracy, "Capitalism Stole My Virginity", The Cars, "Just What I Needed"
1:37: a brief Cars singalong (with Tom doing the keyboard part); pledge pleas, prizes, and thank yous
1:44: Roger Tamblyn [AE] promotes his strange (and expensive) band package tours and offers some leftover tour merchandise for marathon giveaways, none of which Tom wants
1:56: pledge pleas, prizes, and thank yous; Tom and Belinda talk Trailblazers basketball; Hova declares WFMU "the handi-wipe of radio!"
2:11: music: The Clash, "Police and Thieves"
2:16: Tom declares the phone room dead! And he's so close to getting Belinda and Hova to wearing his RULER t-shirts
2:19: music: X, "[?]"
2:20: a desperate Tom WILL NOT STAND for the lack of pledges; they pass the $3K mark, which forces Belinda and Hova to don the RULER t-shirts; Tom now wants to pass $4K and demands MOUSE-SIZED COMMITMENTS!
2:35: music: The White Stripes, "Fell in Love with a Girl"
2:37: Hova and Belinda don their RULER t-shirts; Tom DEMANDS more pledges
2:48: music: Dinosaur Jr., "In a Jar"
2:52: Tom wants to achieve The Circle of Greatness, and if he does, everyone will beat Jim (who said The Best Show would fail) to death!; if not, he'll make Hova pick his own switch or get "the belt"; Tom makes his goal and concludes with a Romper Room-esque roll call and Olympic fanfare

03.12.2002 [marathon week 2]

Start: intro, music: The Strapping Fieldhands, "[?]"
0:07: Tom's co-host is Jason Das; he also joined by WFMU volunteer/Glutton Bowl participant Andy "Eyeball" Goldstein, who will eat a Tastykake for every $100 worth of pledges; if they get to $3500, Tom will match Andy Tastykake-for-Tastykake
0:15: music: The Strapping Fieldhands, "[?]", Rolling Stones, "I Am Waiting"
0:20: Tom cuts the Stones short due to lack of pledges; thank yous and pledge pleas
0:34: music: Dan Melchior's Broke Revue, "[?]", The Coachwhips, "[?]"
0:40: thank yous and cupcake consumption; call in if you want to talk to Ira from Yo La Tengo!; Tom is embarrassed by the lack of calls; more thank yous
0:59: music: The Hives, "Hate to Say I Told You So", Sadon Nation, "Mom and Pop Democracy"
1:05: thank yous; Tom begs for one more pledge so Andy can eat 14 cupcakes, starts a rousing CUP-CAKE! chant; Andy listens to "Venus in Furs" to get himself pumped up for cupcake ingestion, followed by an ice cream dessert; more pledge pleas
1:28: music: Clinic, "Welcome" (live on WFMU), Mooney Suzuki, "A Little Bit of Love"
1:33: the next pledgers will get to talk to actual girls!; Tom shan't stand for the phone not ringing!; how Tom lost his chopping block (and fingers); Tom starts a stirring RING chant; thank yous and pledge pleas; Andy's having some second thoughts about his cupcake challenge; when Andy has to leave the room, Tom takes up his cupcake baton; Andy returns "a few pounds lighter"
2:07: music: Mink Lungs, "Think of Me", Electric Eels, "Agitated"
2:14: pledge pleas; Tom calls shenanigans on Black Ops' pushups-for-pledges; Tom will not drop his pants on camera for a mere $150; Tom may need "a clear path" out of the room if he continues eating cupcakes; Jason calls Tom a wimp, Tom dares him to eat that many horrible Tastykakes; Tom wants to replace "Venus in Furs" with "Fighting" by Thin Lizzy; Andy's latest deposit in the bathroom is unfortunately captured on the air; Rick Benson pledges; Tom does not have the "final push" energy he had during week one, wonders if he has chocolate coming out of his face
2:43: music: KISS, "Ladies in Waiting"
2:46: the phones are dead and Tom shan't stand for it!
2:49: music: White Stripes, "Expecting"
2:52: thank yous, pledge pleas, and giveaways; Tom takes a brief rest on the floor, then rises again a la Eddie Vedder, briefly sings "Alive"; Tom threatens The Belt for anyone who doesn't pledge, then threatens to hang himself with the dreaded Belt if no more pledges come in; outro
,

03.19.2002

Start: intro, music: Crushed Butler, "Factory Grime", Mooney Suzuki, "Oh Sweet Suzanna", Elvis Costello, "I Hope You're Happy Now"; we're deep into the third week of the marathon! oh wait, there is no third week; marathon thank yous; back announce
0:19: Philly Boy Roy [JW] mocks Tom's Tastykake-eating abilities, fills Tom in on his Tastykake-rich diet and his submarine panel business
0:34: Tom recalls the horror of the cupcake-eating marathon, interrupted by Eric/Anti-Hasu Kid, who gets flushed for not pledging
0:36: Intellivision Guy bought NBA Live for Playstation 2 and is now convinced he could take Michael Jordan; Tom brags about his XBox-Plus (which only has one available game)
0:42: Tom continues his tale of cupcake woe
0:43: Brandon says he pledged, attests to the cheapness of Eric/Anti-Hasu Kid, presents a list of ideas he and Eric developed to improve The Best Show, including nicknames for Tom (Tommy Salami) and Dave (Dangerous Dave); Tom and Dave veto all of their ideas, but give thumbs up to his impromptu Best Show song; Tom thinks Eric is weighing him down; Brandon thinks he will host the show in 20 years; Tom says he must be cryogenically frozen now for that to happen
0:54: music: N.E.R.D., "Lapdance", Party of Helicopters, "Radio", Cornelius, "Point of View", Deerhoof, "Half Rabbit Half Dog"; back announce
1:12: DJ Clue [JB] and Liquid Brooklyn [MW], legendary turntablists, talk about their craft and give Tom a sample, which consists mostly of playing Michael Jackson records
1:57: music: The Walkmen, "Revenge Wears No Wristwatch", Jack Nitzsche, "I'll Bet She Knew It", Granddaddy, "Levitz", Unrest, "Champion Nines", Clinic, "The Equalizer", The Yardbirds, "Lost Woman"; back announce
2:22: The Party Doctor [AE] talks about his party-enhancement techniques, his line of St. Elsewhere-based erotic fiction, and his medical-bag-shaped party car; he prescribes a Ray Stevens record as part of Tom's training as a potential party doctor; email; Tom compares Dave to a triple-A manager
2:34: Chris wants to talk about the World Cup; he's rooting for the US and Croatia, while Tom's rooting for ManU; soccer is compared unfavorably to basketball
2:42: Tom talks to Small Change about his upcoming show
2:44: Steve (a 13-year-old) calls; Tom says he's due for a beating every day in high school, which Steve disputes; Steve and his 6-foot friend detail their plans for not getting beat up, which Tom scoffs at; the call degenerates into Tom challenging Steve and all of his friends into an on-air fight
2:51: music: Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "Our Time", Rolling Stones, "Casino Boogie"; outro

03.26.2002

No show

04.02.2002 [no archive: "The Gas Station Dogs," New Hope for the Ape-Eared]

"An Interview With Barry Dworkin, The 4-11 Handlebar Mustachioed Leader Of 'The Gas Station Dogs', Who Sings The Worst Song In The History Of Music. Also, Tom Sets Up His Fight With Eight Male Teenagers, And The First Installment of 'Smash Or Trash'."

04.09.2002

No show

04.16.2002

Start: intro, music: N.E.R.D., "Rockstar", Champagne Kiss, "Cement Is Blue", Jesters of Destiny, "Last Night"; back announce
0:17: interview with Harry Knowles, founder of Ain't It Cool News, who's promoting a new book; every time the book's title is mentioned, Tom pots down the sound
0:45: a big Ain't It Cool News fan [AE] asks Harry to riff on a few random movies, reads an extremely long run-on sentence from his own review of Pay It Forward, wonders if his book's success means he can now afford spellcheck
0:52: conclusion of Harry Knowles interview; Tom says he potted down Harry's channel every time the book was mentioned because his father "shut him out" from getting a free copy
1:03: music: Rolling Stones, "2000 Light Years from Home", Grandaddy, "Levitz", Airport 5, "However Young They Are", Drunk Horse, "Tanning Salon"; Tom will gladly announce the name of Harry Knowles' book--as soon as he gets a free copy of it; back announce
1:21: Ryan from Stro calls to thank Tom for featuring his band on Smash or Trash, but Tom is mad at him for calling the Harry Knowles interview "boring"; Tom wants to form his own band called The Medical Marijuana for the express purpose of defeating Stro and ruining Ryan's life
1:30: Tom talks to Peter, the father of Harris, a young man who challenged Tom to a fight on the air; at first, Tom wants Peter to yell at Harris on the air or ask him to get the belt, but he then feels bad for getting him in trouble once he finds out Peter is a military man and runs a tight ship; Harris insists a friend of his is the real culprit
1:45: Petey asks Tom to take his video game survey; Tom says he's working on a video game called "Kid Squasher", Petey is doing his survey for an extra-curricular program; Tom mishears 'teacher' as 't-shirt' ("Why are you taking orders from a piece of clothing?"); Tom's t-shirt tells him to flush Petey;
1:53: Sue from Stitch and Bitch calls from the worst phone on earth; she plays drums and wants to join Medical Marijuana and swears her hatred of Stro runs deep; Tom and her disagree on the merits of latter-day Stones; Sue is working on crocheted bikinis, which Tom can't believe will sell; Tom says Medical Marijuana will open with "Rip this Joint" into "Monkey Man"; their first original song will be "Blues Jam #2"
2:02: Terre T calls in to talk to Sue; she is very interested in a crochet bikini, especially at the reasonable price of $50; Tom has a few crochet bikini-related ideas for The Best Show, also reveals that The Medical Marijuana will have THREE DRUMMERS! ("It should look like Earth Wind and Fire jamming with Arrested Development...with Lambchop!")
2:10: Eric/Anti-Hasu Kid wants to know if Tom's anticipating the new Star Wars movie; Tom grills him on his favorite scene from The Phantom Menace; Tom reads a supposed email from Eric praising the Scooby-Doo movie; Eric defends Andrew W.K. as "the coolest guy ever", though he refuses to sing along to his latest hit; Eric wants to play ukelele in the band
2:19: Gord from Canada believes he has special qualifications to play guitar in The Medical Marijuana and is willing to commute to be in the band; Tom grills him on his influences, says he'll be the "nerd" in the band
2:26: Tom wants someone from Stro to defect and join The Medical Marijuana; a quick show recap
2:29: John has a hard time picturing three drummers on stage but offers his harmonica services; Tom says he'll be the "old guy" in the band, as long as he's willing to shave his beard, which John is deadset against; John performs a brief on-air harmonica audition
2:35: Bob from Bernardsville wants to play guitar, is in a Southern rock cover band; the band is coming together! all Tom needs now is a ringer
2:39: Ryan from Stro says call screener Dave is joining Stro, which Dave denies; Tom enlists the help of Dave and caller Roger to demonstrate the power of a three-drummer setup
2:46: George, ex-drummer from Dinosaur Jr. and The Fog, wants to know more about the Medical Marijuana, spills the beans on the ups and downs of touring with J. Mascis and Mike Watt; Tom's worried he's too big for the Medical Marijuana, who will be a perfect mix of Mick Ronson/Ziggy Stardust and Erasure
2:56: Sal, ex-Saves the Day drummer, wants to be the band's second ringer; Tom wants to recruit Small Change as the band's turntablist
2:58: Sam, drummer from Stro, calls in; Tom thinks he needs to drop the zero and get with the hero; Sam will join Medical Marijuana if Tom plays the Stro record three times in a row for three straight days; Tom flushes him; outro

04.23.2002

Start: Tom converses with old-timey pre-recorded ads; intro, music: Rolling Stones, "Monkey Man", White Stripes, "Handsprings", Glass Candy, "Crystal Migraine", The Whitefield Brothers, "In the Raw"; back announce; a confusing argument with himself about his back announcing; who wants to be Tom's special guest?
0:28: Tom relays his NBA playoff predictions you can "take to the bank", with the aid of a cash register sound affect; Tom wonders if he should do an amped-up sports show, with a rockin' guitar riff instead of the cash register noise
0:38: Chris, one of the kids who challenged Tom to a fight, recently hosted a radio show; Tom wonders if it was called The Chicken Show, since he never showed up to the fight; Tom wants to talk to his mom and gets a weirdly digitized fake voice; Chris gets GOMPed
0:40: caller thinks Tom's show has turned into Mike and the Mad Dog, wants to know how the Knicks will do in the playoffs; Tom reminds him the Knicks didn't make the playoffs, gives him the aggressive sports show treatment via guitar riff and his new catch phrase "get bent!"
0:41: caller gets two syllables out, hangs up; Tom says "he came weak to The Best Show!"
0:43: Steve relates a weird dream he had; Tom doesn't like it and tells him to get bent, with a blast of Andrew W.K.; Tom likes his new format: The X Show on WFMU! You better bring it!
0:45: music: Soulwax, "Push It/No Fun", Hot Hot Heat, "Five Times Out of 100", Donna Summer, "Dream Maker"; back announce; Tom reminds listeners they better be ready to bring it, because this is now The Jungle! (cue Guns n' Roses)
0:58: caller plays word association with Tom, then asks who would win in fight between Bruce Lee and Chewbacca; Tom dumps him
1:00 caller wants to request Slayer; music requests are weak! This is The Smack Zone! AKA The Jungle! AKA Fat City!
1:02: Mike from Hunchback wants to audition for The Medical Marijuana
1:05: Petey wants callers to take his video game survey, also wants to play bongos in The Medical Marijuana; John calls in to take his survey; Tom thinks the call is weak and plays Taps as he hangs up on both of them
1:09: Lloyd applauds Tom's new attitude; wants to know if The Music Scholar was for real; Tom machine guns Lloyd for his weak call
1:11: Pete wants to save Flipside Records, gets ping-ponged
1:13: Brandon wants to know Tom's opinion of MTV2; Tom declares him radioactive (complete with Geiger counter noise)
1:15: caller hates the show, gets machine gunned
1:15: Officer Tom wants to go mano-a-mano with Philly Boy Roy, relates a tough encounter with G-girls; Tom wants to know why nine squad cars show up for minor traffic violations, and if Officer Tom is disgusted by out-of-shape cops; who is the most violent perp Officer Tom ever pulled over?; Officer Tom schools Tom on the proper use of a Maglite; what kind of insignia/bumper stickers would get you pulled over?; Officer Tom wants to be The Medical Marijuana's cooler, a la Roadhouse
1:32: caller thinks Tom doesn't know how to bring it, flushes Tom; Tom gives him a minute to prove how weak he is; when he fails miserably, Tom machine guns him
1:34: Hasu Kid disagrees with the Anti-Hasu Kid about his favorite scene in The Phantom Menace, Andrew W.K., and his nickname for Tom, also wants to design The Medical Marijuana's logo; he gets a hearty "good night to you, sir!"
1:37: caller tells bad joke; Tom says "you're a dog", plays a horrifying dog sound effect; email
1:40: Nougat wants to spread the word about Wafflestomper because they sound like "Enya being molested by Slayer with chainsaws and snakes"; Tom "dog-barks" him, then pairs up the dog bark with "Enter Sandman"
1:44: Keisha from Team Bring It says she parties until the party doesn't stop; Tom insists he parties harder; Keisha thinks Tom is weak because he let himself get flushed on the air; Tom machine guns her
1:48: caller thinks the phrase Bring It should be embarrassed by Team Bring It
1:50: The Bring It Barbershop Quartet turns into a promo for Wafflestomper, gets machine gunned
1:50: Sunshine wants a topic; Tom suggests talking about her day, then flushes her
1:53: Terre T loves the new format but thinks it needs more crocheted bikini discussion; Tom says the dog sound effect is named Dogmo; Terre T has seen Wafflestomper t-shirts already; Tom "bowls" her
1:57: caller promotes his repurposing of a 1950s sci-fi flick, but gets dogged for toilet talk
1:59: Sunshine calls back, wants Tom's wife to call in; Tom says his wife is forbidden to call the show; Sunshine wants to know the best city he's ever been to; Tom says Baltimore, even though he hates it, then says Newbridge; Sunshine doesn't like Jersey very much thanks to outdated stereotypes of the state, but loves Cuban sandwiches from Weehawken
2:06: caller from Brooklyn wants to get a party started; Tom wants to know if he's got The Good Stuff; another caller broadcasts the weird old-timey ads from the top of the show
2:08: Annie from Providence designed the Wafflestomper t-shirts, describes the band as "pirate-core"; Tom is sickened that Wafflestomper only has tapes
2:12: music: Airport 5, "However Young They Are", Jack Nitzsche, "I Bet She Knew It", Brother J.T., "Be With Us", Beach Boys, "Wind Chimes", The Equals, "My Life Ain't Easy"; back announce
2:29: Matt from Wafflestomper wants to play a song over the phone; Tom insists he must send in a CD so they can play Smash or Trash; Tom wants to hear from more WFMU DJ's who want to adopt his new EXTREME format and BRING IT!; can somebody give Tom a score on the Magic/Hornets game, cuz he threw down some "caysh" on that game
2:33: "Vin Diddley" wants to bring it on, hangs up when Tom calls out his super-fake voice; Dogmo disapproves; Tom gets a score on the basketball, now he wants play-by-play
2:34: caller who used work for a bistro in NYC dishes some dirt on Jim Carroll; Tom puts him on the roller coaster
2:36: caller gives an exciting PBP of the last seconds of regulation in the Magic/Hornets game, discusses the difficulty of trying to watch the NBA playoffs in bars
2:39: Catherine wants to "sing" a rap about nuts, induces the ire of Dogmo
2:41: Tom gives callers 10 seconds to BRING IT, with predictable results; Tom tries out several breaking glass sound effects before settling on a hilarious shattered plate glass window
2:48: station announcements regarding the infamous WFUV transmitter
2:51: more 10 second installments of BRINGIN IT! and lots of shattered plate glass windows; outro

04.30.2002

Start: intro, music: Donna Summer, "Dream Maker", Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, "Sweet and Sour", Death by Chocolate, "Day Out", John's Children, "Not the Sort of Girl You Take to Bed"; back announce, interrupted by a confusing self-argument
0:21: Chris the Wimp (as dubbed by Tom) is starting a band and wants band name suggestions; he relays some of his band name ideas, all of which Tom vetoes; Chris sings his anti-Stro song; HK, the xylophone player in Chris's band, joins them but needs to rush off to dinner; Tom wants to front the band, reads anti-Chris email; Tom GOMPs him but wonders about the moral implications of GOMPing a 13-year-old
0:34: confused caller doesn't understand delay between phone line and WFMU computer feed, so Tom responds to him in a delayed, intermittant fashion; caller offers to play banjo or guitar for The Medical Marijuana, auditions over the radio with a terrible rendition of "Wish You Were Here", gets GOMPed; Tom reads emailed band name suggestions
0:42: Eric/Anti-Hasu Kid doesn't like Chris, wants help making a full Obi Wan Kenobi costume; Tom reads anti-Hasu-Kid email, reveals that he will see an advanced screening of Attack of the Clones very soon; more emailed band suggestions, updates on The Medical Marijuana
0:51: Dan tells a bad Halloween joke that Tom thinks is too corny for even Greasy Kid Stuff ("What is this, Highlights Radio?"); Tom gives the thumbs down to GKS call screener Ranger Jim
0:52: a brief discussion of the HBO documentary Small Town Ecstasy and "Rave Dad", the most irresponsible human being ever
0:55: Dave Melouski, late of Bayonne, wants to locate his ex-bandmates so he can reunite his high school group (The Backdoor Band); amazingly, Tom hears from all of them via email during his call, and they all want nothing to do with Dave; Dave tries to recruit Tom to sing for the band; Tom grills Dave about his wife, then grills Dave Jr. about his dad ("Would you get a job to support your dad's rock n' roll fantasies?")
1:06: Tom tries to play a song by Hot Hot Heat but keeps playing Andrew W.K. instead
1:07: Hasu Kid's younger brother talks smack about the Anti-Hasu Kid, hips Tom to some new lingo
1:08: music: Hot Hot Heat, "Five Times out of a Hundred", Bob Dylan, "In Search of Little Sadie", The Equals, "Police on My Back", Clinic, "Circle I", The Reds, "Lights Out"; back announce
1:23: Tom chats with WFMU Record Fair "henchman" "Mike L", once again adopts the guise of a Record Fair novice
1:32: Ryan from Stro says he can't make it to the Record Fair because he's going on a high school band trip, gets GOMPed
1:35: more Record Fair promos with "Mike L"
1:36: Dan (aka Plastic Goblin), member of a "professional" ninja clan, wants to put on a skit at the Record Fair
1:41: Tom and "Mike L" finish up their Record Fair talk; Tom gets EXTREME again with some GnR; has The Best Show descended to sub-Imus levels? more Dogmo
1:46: caller upset by Sunshine's dissing of NJ talks smack about Brooklyn; Tom throws him through a plate glass window for toilet talk
1:47: Officer Tom wants to know if his FOT Card gets him free entry to the Record Fair; no, but Tom looks forward to meeting him there; Officer Tom has commandeered several interesting vehicles for use as The Medical Marijuana's band van, including an industrial wood chipper; Officer Tom explains the delights of court-appointed duty
1:54: Joe from Wafflestomper says their demo is on the way, and it's so good it'll make you wanna kick your mom in the face; Tom grills Joe's actual mom, who spills some embarrassing childhood details, including his love of fire engines; Tom wants to know when was the last time Joe's mom beat him; Tad, another Wafflestomper member, tries desperately to make them sound tougher; Tom teases Joe about his youthful fire engine fascination
2:02: Tor wants to know if Tom's listened to his songs yet; Tom thinks Tor sounds like Dr. Demento, wants to hear him do a Dr. Demento-esque song announcement, then throws him through a plate glass window; band-related email
2:07: Ted Steel of the The Ted Steel Band wants to stand up for Brooklyn and its "dirt-blues-core" movement, talks about working in "the Gowanus dirt mines"
2:13: Frank from New Jersey laments the closing down of a local American Legion Hall where bands like Blink 182 and Bad Religion used to play, also laments the "selling out" of Blink and other bands; Tom relates Death By Stereo's destructive appearance at WFMU, passes along completely bogus info about the band that goes totally unnoticed, says their lead singer (Efram) has written insulting email about Frank; Tom declares F. Murray Abraham better than Efram from Death By Stereo
2:21: music: Silkworm, "[?]", [?], Brother J.T., "Be With Us"; station announcements; Tom tries to get a score on the Pacers/Nets playoff game and is confused by the low score
2:43: caller gives Tom a Nets game update, though he's more of a baseball fan; Tom declares baseball the worst sport ever; caller offers to treat Tom to a Yankees game; Tom's favorite Yankee is the guy who was stealing stuff from the locker room, says Derek Jeter is "no better than Robert Blake"; Robert Blake's prospects are discussed, as is David Lynch's collective oeuvre; Tom reveals he will attend a preview screening of Attack of the Clones; Return of the Jedi was the worst Star Wars movie (Dave blames Linda Ronstadt)
2:51: Steve wants more info on the protest against pending internet radio legislation, liked Return of the Jedi; Tom thinks he must look like an Ewok; Steve liked it because "Mother Nature fights back in the form of 2-foot-tall Muppets"
2:54: caller gives a Pacers/Nets update, says it's "the ugliest game ever"; nothing makes Tom happier than the first round of the NBA playoffs; Tom wants caller's playoff predictions for the Eastern Conference, gives his own; what's the deal with Yao Ming?
2:59: Tom gloats about the advance screening once more; outro

05.07.2002

Start: Gaylord Fields fills in for Tom for the first portion of the show; Tom is on his way back from a very special event!
2:24: Tom arrives at the studio, fresh from a preview screening of Attack of the Clones; he will answer any general questions you have about the movie, but no spoilers!
2:27: Steve wants to know if Tom saw any media luminaries at the event; was the film shown in digital projection? ("A couple of times the screen froze, is that what you're talking about?"); Tom reports on the audience's Bachelor Party-esque reaction and the difficulty of getting a seat at the Ziegfeld Theatre; will The Osbornes prevent a successful mini-Best Show?; Tom GOMPs Steve for wanting to leave the call early
2:33: caller wants to know (but doesn't want to know) if Jango Fett and Mace Windu "duke it out"; Tom says the new movie makes up for Boba Fett "going out like a chump" in Return of the Jedi
2:38: caller asks Tom to rate various aspects of the movie on a 1-10 scale; the pulpiness of the original Star Wars movies; Tom rates Clones ahead of Jedi; "You hate me a little bit, don't you?"; one pathetic Star Wars fan who desperately tried to get into the screening; Tom's tried to stay away from spoilers as much as possible; Tom says if you like lightsaber battles, "you better wear sweatpants"
2:49: caller wants to know about budding conflict between Obi-Wan and Anakin ("You better wear sweatpants to this movie if you like evil."
2:50: Tom assures caller that Christopher Lee's "still got it", makes him repeat an anti-Lord of the Rings oath; this show shan't be archived!; emailer wants to know about product placement in the movie; another emailer has a very specific question, which Tom does not repeat but answers in the affirmative; station announcements
2:59: Officer Tom wants to know if Tom has seen Training Day; Tom promises they'll talk about it next week; more email; maybe Tom should do Best of The Best Show during the Osbornes time block; email: was The Star Wars Insider correct? mostly!; Tom fields questions from one of Small Change's DJ guests
3:05: caller wants to know if Clones makes The Phantom Menace better or worse in retrospect; are there any stupid pop culture references in this one?; more email; outro

05.14.2002

Start: Tom intros The Gary Marshall Jr. Show; music: Brant Bjork and the Operators, "My Ghettoblaster", The Cars, "Got a Lot on My Head", Oneida, "Each One Teach One", Modey Lemon, "Big Bang"; back announce; Tom spills the beans on Scott's exciting guests; Tom--god help him--wants the kids to call in
0:25: Ted Steel has been slow to send his CD to Tom, does a station ID with an extended countdown
0:29: Joe from Jersey says he saw Ted Steel on public access cable, but his story is highly suspect; Tom wants a FOT to call up and read the back of their membership card
0:33: caller reads the FOT credo and pledge; Tom is very impressed with his voice, thinks he should do voice work and offers to rep him at only an 80% commission; Tom announces his Enemies of Tom list
0:38: Alan Lowenstein [AE], country musician from Brooklyn, wants to hear some "real country" like Ryan Adams and "Uncle T"; he has a heavy "southern" accent despite growing up in upstate New York, heads a band called The Porch Sittin' Screen Door Boys; at his request, Tom makes him a charter member of the Enemies of Tom
0:52: Petey wants to know if he's on the Enemies of Tom list; Tom tries to visit Petey's web site with a confusing URL; Petey sings his tribute to Tom; Tom finally visits Petey's web site and steals his animations, then tips the scales on his online poll
1:03: Anti-Hasu Kid is berated by Tom for doubting he would see Attack of the Clones before anyone else; Tom hopes he has to see Hollywood Ending instead; Tom reads anti-Anti-Hasu Kid email, then grills his older brother ("DJ Snatch") fresh home from college, GOMPs him for toilet talk; Tom adds Anti-Hasu Kid's brother to the Enemies of Tom list and adds other scoundrels to its ranks; emailers suggest more Enemies List members
1:16: Ranger Jim, Greasy Kid Stuff call screener, says he's "a lovable scamp" and not an Enemy of Tom, but Tom sics Dogmo on him anyway
1:18: Harris suggests adding Rob H., the kid who harassed Tom and his fellow DJs and got him in trouble with his dad, to the Enemies of Tom list; Officer Tom has offered his services for a "scared straight" program--any kids interested?; Tom asks Harris about his favorite comedians
1:26: Philly Boy Roy [JW] has "a whole bunch of irons in a whole lotta fires", like working at a pencil factory, writing articles for Manayunk Nights, and his screenplay, Philly Fever; which unites legendary Philly athletes, Rocky Balboa, and Ben Franklin to rescue the Philly Fanatic from a bunch of Jersey thugs; Roy approves of the Enemies of Tom list and declares The Gorch an honorary Philadelphian
1:49: FOT email; Anti-Hasu Kid says he hates Tom now
1:50: Brandon wants to be scared straight by Officer Tom, suggests Woodsy for the Enemies of Tom List
1:54: Anti-Hasu Kid tries to plead his case and justify his Obi-Wan Kenobi costume; Officer Tom joins in on the call and identifies the Anti-Hasu Kid as an EDP (emotionally disturbed person); Anti-Hasu Kid wants to go to jail for a week to see what it's like (as long as he can get off of work); Tom imagines Anti-Hasu Kid going to see Attack of the Clones and accidentally seeing Life or Something Like It; Officer Tom discusses The Tom Force
2:11: caller wants to know who hooked Tom up with the Attack of the Clones preview screening; Tom insists he did not sneak in
2:14: music: The Long Goodbye, "Dawn of Understanding", Hot Hot Heat, "Five Times out of a Hundred", The French Kicks, "Wrong Side", The Electric Prunes, "I Got My Mojo Workin"; back announce; station announcements; Tom revises his Enemies List; email and FOT updates
2:43: Hova is surprised to find himself on the Enemies List; Tom says he will remove Hova if he fires Ranger Jim; Belinda joins in to defend Ranger Jim, suggest an arm wrestling match between Dave and Ranger Jim; Tom thinks Ranger Jim will turn on them as soon as he can; Brian Turner joins the discussion, and Tom asks if he can take over Greast Kid Stuff; Belinda says she will have a sit-down with Ranger Jim; Tom makes her sing the GSK outro with accompaniment from Dogmo; outro

05.21.2002

Start: intro: Tom's broadcasting from beside the railroad tracks; music: Thee Headcoats, "No Way Out", Creedence Clearwater Revival, "Keep on Chooglin'" Oneida, "Black Chamber", The Whitefield Brothers, "Choke It"; back announce
0:25: Trish in NC talks Hurricanes hockey, UNC basketball ("Do you consider Duke fans less than human?"), and "Rave Dad"
0:32: Mike Healy [JW] is stoked about finding an English DVD of The Wicker Man; Tom's not sure if an English DVD will play on an American DVD player, which prompts sarcastic questions from Mike ("I didn't know I was talking to Mr. DVD!")
0:48: Tom's excited about the upcoming Fox special Celebrity Boxing, debates the matchups with Dave; go vote on Petey's poll!
0:56: caller makes his own boxing picks, gets GOMPed for praising Joey Buttafuoco
0:59: caller worked with Refrigerator Perry recently, thinks he has no shot in his boxing match against Manute Bol, calls Darva Conger "a money-grubbing wench", gets GOMPed for not admitting he'd suck up to her if given the chance
1:01: Petey says his poll is now up on the WFMU message board
1:02: music: The Oblivions, "The Vietnam War Blues", Clinic, "Circle I"; back announce
1:07: Matt Walsh calls in to promote his upcoming Comedy Central special, Matt Walsh Goes to Hawaii, which includes some very special stuff, including a song with Horatio Sanz
1:14: Horatio Sanz calls in, uncomfortable with being associated with the Matt Walsh special, since he felt he was tricked into appearing in it; their argument turns very heated very quickly
1:26: a big Daily Show fan [JB] wants to know the status of many Daily Show regulars past and present but has no idea that Matt Walsh is also on the show
1:34: a huge Upright Citizen's Brigade fan [JG] wants updates on every UCB member except for Matt, thinks he should edit Ian Roberts into his special; the discussion degenerates into a fantasy comedy lineup discussion between the caller and Tom; the caller accuses an exasperated Matt Walsh of trying to squash free speech and hating minorities
1:45: Daily Show fan calls back because he can't find Steve Carrell on IMDB.com, starts to recite his filmography
1:52: the UCB fan calls back to say he'll watch the show if Louis CK is on it; he isn't, but Tom mistakenly thinks he wrote the special, leading to further misunderstanding and arguments
1:59: more IMDB updates from the Daily Show fan; his computer trouble is broadcast in excruciating detail; Matt Walsh recedes further and further into the background as Tom and the caller pore over the IMDB pages for several Matt Walshes
2:17: music: Brant Bjork and the Operators, "My Ghettoblaster", Lynnfield Pioneers, "Yos to Go", Donna Summer, "Stepping the Fuck Out"; back announce
2:30: Smash or Trash with Management: Smash wins 10-7
2:54: Ryan from Stro calls in to congratulate Management; Tom is disgusted
2:58: music: Management, "Error in Design" 

05.28.2002 [no archive: "Tom's Daddy," New Hope for the Ape Eared]

"Tom's Dad(dy) Calls In To Bring Up Childhood Horrors And To Borrow Money. Also, Smash Or Trash With Wafflestomper, And Ranger Jim Is Forgiven!"

06.04.2002

Start: intro, theme; music: The Venetian Snares, "Pressure Torture", Wafflestomper, "Flipper Baby Playground", The Briefs, "Love and Ulcers", Death By Chocolate, "Day Out"; back announce; exciting news: Tom will be interviewing Joe Strummer from The Clash!; Tom came very close to buying an XBox, has a confusing self-dialogue with A Little Birdie; which new game system should Tom invest in?
0:24: caller thinks Tom should spend his time with something more intellectually stimulating than a game system, like a Rubik's Cube
0:27: caller thinks Tom should get PS2 because then he can play GTAIII, which Tom finds horrifying; Tom says he'll buy a PS2 if the caller gives him all his game; Tom hangs up on him when he gets very weird/graphic
0:32: Tom gets a call from the lead singer/rhythm guitarist of 'The Clash'--not Joe Strummer, but Brett Haskins [JW], who plays in a similarly-named blues band from Newbridge that just reformed (Rory and the Clash); through a legal loophole, Brett is allowed to use the name 'The Clash' in New Jersey; Tom finds this extremely unethical, but Brett does not understand how anyone could confuse his band for "The English Clash", even though he covers Clash tunes, takes the stage to "16 Tons", and has songs with titles like "Still Rockin' the Casbah" [Best Show Gems, 06.15.2002]
1:21: FOT web site updates; Tom reads the Enemies of Tom creed and pledge
1:24: Dan from Electric Frankenstein wants to put a bounty on Brett Haskins' head, agrees to put his band's music to the Smash or Trash test
1:27: music: J-Lo+Ja Rule/Jimi Hendrix mashup, The Jimmy Castor Bunch, "Say Leroy", The Derelicts, "Bad Trip", Modey Lemon, "It's Hard"; back announce
1:47: Chris debates game systems with Tom; Tom offers to set Chris up with a blind date, shares an update about The Medical Marijuana; Chris wonders why Tom hates Kevin Smith
2:00: Pete advocates on behalf of Japanese games; Tom wonders why he "hates America"; Tom chats with Petey's dad about video games and Petey's plans for the future; Tom asks Petey if he's willing to interview the creators of Aqua Teen Hunger Force
2:19: station announcements
2:23: music: Consonant, "What a Body Could Do", Wilco, "Jesus Etc."; back announce
2:35: Smash or Trash with The Ted Steel Band; the listeners say trash!; outro

06.11.2002

Start: Tom thanks Antique Phonograph Record host for another great show, then forcibly removes him from the studio; theme; music: Kid 606, "Smack My Glitch Up", The Long Goodbye, "Dawn of Understanding", Beat Happening, "The This Many Boyfriends Club", The James Kochalka Experience w/The Zambonis, "Hockey Monkey", T. Lance and the Cocktails, "Aba-Daba-Do Dance"; back announce; Tom discusses the hideous trailer for 8 Mile
0:30: Tom relates his story about a humorous elevator-related anecdote in Las Vegas, which ends with a celebrity encounter with David Brenner
0:33: Petey calls in; next week, he will interview the creators of Aqua Teen Hunger Force; Tom is astounded by his preparation, teases him about his age and stealing animations from his web site; Petey sings the Tom Scharpling song and tries to improvise new lyrics, wants to know if anyone has questions for the Aqua Teen guys; Petey fields a few unhelpful suggestions
0:43: caller wants to know if the Aqua Teen guys can come up with a character that can stop Shaquille O'Neal; Tom and him discuss the Nets' prospects for the NBA Finals; Tom thinks Juwanna Man and Lil' Bow Wow will play for the Nets next season, GOMPs caller for being old timey
0:49: caller thinks Tom should change his name to Larry
0:51: music: Yo La Tengo, "How Some Jellyfish Are Born", Consonant, "Buckets of Flowers, Porno Mags"; back announce
1:05: Matt Walsh calls in to promote his new movie Martin and Orloff; he's a little wary, based on his last Best Show interview, but Tom tries to reassure him
1:13: Mr. Derkin [JG] wants to know all about Ian Roberts and "all the good guys in UCB"; Matt suspects he may the same caller from his last interview
1:16: Ian Roberts calls in because his wife thought Matt "bad mouthed" him, berates Matt for not putting him in touch with his fans, and threatens to "burn" the movie if he continues to tell his fans he's dead; Mr. Derkin calls in to ask him questions; Ian apologizes for Matt's "misrepresentations"; Matt urges Tom to hang up on Mr. Derkin, but Tom misunderstands and hangs up on Ian instead; Matt calms down a bit, talks about Martin and Orloff director Lawrence Blume (son of Judy)
1:27: Ian Roberts is angry about being hung up on, thinks Matt said Lawrence Blume was a fictional character; Ian decides not to burn the film, but asks Tom if there's some reason Matt should be difficult to work with
1:33: a professor from Rutgers chastises Matt for claiming J.D. Salinger wrote his movie; Matt recognizes him as Mr. Derkin with a very fake voice; Mr. Derkin will go see the movie if his money goes to Ian, not Matt; Tom accidentally hangs up on Ian again; emailer wonders why Matt supports the Taliban; Matt vows to never appear on the show again
1:50: music: The Pixies + Run DMC bootleg (cut short), The Derelicts, "Bad Trip", The Paybacks, "Blackout", Modey Lemon, "Caligula", Clinic, "Circle I"; back announce; email, station announcements
2:07: Jan Michael Vincent [AE] misdials, looking to place a bet on the Tyson-Lewis fight, unaware the fight has already happened; it took him several weeks to get to Memphis in a rented car, and he thinks Tom is pulling his leg
2:19: Officer Tom checks in; Tom wants to know how much of Training Day was accurate; there are many scenes Officer Tom can neither confirm nor deny; Tom wants him to do a new segment on the show: At the Movies with Officer Tom; Officer Tom challenges Philly Boy Roy to an ultimate fighting bout
2:39: Smash or Trash with Hunchback; the listeners say smash!
2:55: outro; music: Hunchback, "Requiem for a Vampire"

06.18.2002

Start: Tom declares The Best Show "a douche-free zone"; theme; music: Outrageous Cherry, "The Hourglass", The Attack, "School Daze", Peelander-Z, "Oy Star", The Continentals, "Sick and Tired"; Tom retells his Las Vegas story (this time, it involves a celebrity encounter with Bruce Boxleitner); back announce
0:26: Petey checks in before his interview with the Aqua Teen creators; Tom wonders if Petey's father will spank him if he does a bad job; Petey sings his Tom song, with guitar accompaniment
0:32: Hasu Kid (with noticeably deeper voice) thinks he could freestyle a better song about Tom than Petey's; Tom announces The Best Song on the The Best Show on WFMU Contest; Tom declares The Band "the worst band to ever get good reviews", plays "The Weight" to prove it
0:39: caller is bugged by Tom's Band hatred; Tom defies him to name a good Band song, caller suggests "The Unfaithful Servant"; Tom remains unconvinced; caller defines "scalawag"
0:44: Chris from Toronto has problems with The Band but disagrees that they stink; Tom invokes the memory of "Garth and Gord and Fiona and Alice"; Tom GOMPs Chris for giving out the URL for an adult site
0:48: caller disputes earlier caller's definition of "scalawag"; Tom confuses her by pretending to drop the call; emailer says Scooby-Doo is worse than Moulin Rouge
0:52: music: The Gories, "Nitroglycerine", The Witnesses, "Should Not Have to Ask"; back announce, station announcements
1:06: Edward in Manhattan eagerly awaits the Aqua Teen guys; Tom preps for the interview
1:10: Petey interviews Matt Maiellero and Dave Willis, creators of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, with "guest appearances" from Carl, Meatwad, and Dave's grandmother
2:06: music: Schooly D, "Aqua Teen Theme", Brant Bjork and the Operators, "My Ghettoblaster", The Registrators, "Fast Up"; back announce
2:18: Captain Catchphrase [AE] checks in; he's relocated to Mobile, Alabama and has more catchphrases for sale like "I'll have cold stares for breakfast!"; he introduces the world to the concept of The Greatest Hits Barfly and his consumer watchdog series "What Up with That?!"; he also developed the phrase "I can go from zero to having congress with your life in 60 seconds," and tries to prove he can do it with Tom's callers
2:53: Tom promises more anti-Band talk next week, struggles to find a band song he can "talk out" before the lyrics start
2:55: Paul, a voice over artist, "thanks" Tom for "wasting" three hours of airtime; Tom "thanks" him right back; Tom is convinced Paul used to do announcements at the Route 1 Flea Market, asks him if he hates celebrities who do voice overs; after their conversation becomes more friendly, Tom wants Paul to admit he's done a flip-flop on his opinion of the show

06.25.2002

No show

07.02.2002

No show

07.09.2002

Start: theme; music: David Bowie, "Look Back in Anger", The Seconds, "You Got What I Need", Peelander-Z, "Oy Star"; pizza party! Tom and Dave discuss fantasy pizza matchups; Tom orders a pizza on the air; Tom tells another version of his Las Vegas anecdote (this time it involves Leroy Nieman);
0:22: Petey calls (interrupted by a back announce) to tell Tom he's sending a CD of his songs, including "The Tommy Song Live and in Concert"; Petey also has a brand new level for his online game "Stink Wave"
0:29: Tom and Dave can't wait to get their pizza; Tom ponders the idea of Official Best Show Pizzerias and the ubiquity of Danny Aiello's picture in every restaurant in existence; Tom explains the origin of his new catchphrase "fudge on you!", talks about Good Day New York and American Idol filling the Star Search void; Tom furthers his case against The Band, reads email; Dave leaves to get the pizza, briefly discusses the creepy Coke snowman, disapproves of the latest Velvet Underground reissue (have VU become the Evil Dead of bands?); Tommy needs his pizza!, reads more email
0:45: Pseu reports fielding many callers when she filled in for Tom; Tom has still not seen Sorority Life; Pseu thinks Idol contestants should be humiliated even further; who's The Dumb One in N*Sync?; the idiocy of the N*Sync Chili's commercial is discussed; Tom cuts the call short because the pizza has arrived
0:52: Tim Cook from Seattle, watching the All Star Game, argues with Tom about the merits of baseball, then tries to advocate on behalf of The Band; Tom wants him to name one song that will prove his case, goes through a bunch of Band albums and debates their merits; Tim tries to compare The Band to CCR, which Tom considers insanity; Tom names CCR songs that would crush The Band, thinks their only good songs were penned by Dylan; The Minutemen go in CCR's win column; The Band's influence on Elvis Costello is debated; Tim leaves to watch Schilling versus A-Rod, will not admit defeat; Tom disses Portland as "a one-sport town"; the call concludes with another baseball vs. basketball debate
1:13: Tom wants permission to smash every Band album owned by WFMU
1:14: music: Yo La Tengo, "How Some Jellyfish Are Born", Creedence Clearwater Revival, "Ramble Tamble" (dedicated to Tim, "who couldn't be more wrong"); back announce; Tom disparages The Band some more, reads email
1:34: Samson [AE] accidentally calls the show, looking to leave a message with a dating service
1:40: Tom runs down the Enemies of Tom list, which now includes Eminem
1:42: Kevin from Brooklyn talks about the Milwaukee sausage race and sidebets thereon; he also mentions races at Brooklyn Cyclones games, which confuses Tom ("Wait, people are playing baseball on the rollercoaster?"); Tom gets no clarification, GOMPs him
1:49: more email; station announcements; Tom and Dave discuss summer movies and Harrison Ford's complete inability to act; Dave thinks Tom needs some Andrew WK to get this party started; Tom describes his Vegas rituals, which start with getting a pit boss fired ("It's the only way I can get good luck going"); yet more email, including a "clarification" of the Brooklyn Cyclone confusion
2:03: music: The Dirtbombs, "Ode to a Black Man", Dead Moon, "40 Miles of Bad Road"; back announce; station announcements ; Tom and Dave discuss Cracked Magazine and its spokesman, Sylvester P. Smythe; Tom talks about his plans for The Mad Magazine Movie (he'd "go heavy with Roger Kaputnik"); Tom blames the pizza party for making him all logey
2:24: music: The Holy Ghost, "Detroit Is Burning", The Gore Gore Girls, "Astral Man"; back announce
2:29: Smash or Trash with Howie of Howie and the Mean Dog and their song "Moody Lives Alone"; the stakes have been upped with the addition of a very heavy hammer; the listeners declare it a smash
2:53: The Mean Dog calls in; Dave wants to know when he'll drop Howie
2:58: music: Howie and the Mean Dog, "Moody Lives Alone"; outro

07.16.2002

No show

07.23.2002

Start: theme, music: Neil Young, "Sedan Delivery", White Hassle, "Lazy Susan", Silkworm, "Couldn't You Wait", Love Lies Crushing, "[?]"; back announce; station announcements; Tom gave call screener Dave the night off and needs his listeners to cheer him up
0:27: Mike from Hunchback thanks Tom for his band's Smash or Trash appearance, but Tom says Hunchback can't do SoT again; Mike details a stupid bet he made
0:31: caller [AE] tries to cheer up Tom with a story involving an amputee and The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood; it does not work; the "giving a fancy car to a homeless guy" movie trope is discussed, as is Can of Coffee Night at the State Fair; caller brings up Bum Fights, further depressing Tom--he's now at negative-24 in terms of mood
0:41: caller tells story of trying to help woman in the street and getting beaten up for his trouble, which does not help Tom's mood at all--he's now at negative-35
0:47: caller tells story of a drunk friend who mistook a food stain for a tumor; Tom falls to negative-40
0:48: David starts to tell a promising story involving Roswell, New Mexico, but his crappy cell phone connection sends Tom to negative-42
0:50: Ranger Jim calls, sending Tom to negative-47, then negative-51 for delighting in Tom's misery
0:52: caller tells a story of a celebrity encounter with Ric Ocasek, bringing Tom back up to negative-40
0:53: Roswell Guy calls back and completes his story, bringing Tom up to negative-38; Officer Tom demands his Hunchback CD via email
0:55: music: John Cale, "Gideon's Bible", Grandaddy, "He's Simple He's Dumb He's the Pilot", The Major Stars, "No Higher Meaning", Jason Loewenstein, "Transform"; back announce; Tom questions his audience's cheering-up abilities; when Tom gets to negative-80, he will commit sucide by paper towel ingestion
1:23: Dave calls in on his night off, tries to cheer up Tom with tales of Mike Binder's failure (a push) and an article on Ty Cobb by Shirley Povich, which brings Tom back up to negative-34; they look at Cracked Magazine's web site together; the sight of Sylvester P. Smythe and the site's general incompetence brings Tom up to negative-22
1:29: caller tells a fake humorous story; Tom declares it "bush league"; depressing email about the snakehead fish brings Tom down to negative-30
1:34: Jeff answers Tom's questions about the "new" Grandaddy album, elevating him to negative-28; complimentary emailer from England moves Tom up one point; more email; Chris's crappy phone plummets Tom to negative-30
1:41: music: Danny Ben-Israel, "After All this Fun", Vincent Gallo, "With Smiles and Smiles and Smiles", The Monkees, "The Porpoise Song", Yo La Tengo, "Acera or The Witches Dance", The Clientele, "I Had to Say This"; back announce; Tom once again pleads with the listeners to lift his spirits; Gord's emailed attempt at cheering Tom up vaguely depresses him and drives him to negative-38; a hang-up, another crappy phone connection, and an overly giggly caller drive him to negative-42
2:15: John from Brooklyn's attempts at psychotherapy pull Tom down to negative-45; he laments his fate to the tune of The Beach Boys' "Until I Die"
2:20: Petey ("like a soothing balm!") tries to cheer Tom up with jokes from a popsicle stick, then tries to some "standup" as his character Sammy Siggles, prompting some more Beach Boys but bringing Tom up to negative-40
2:25: caller tries to praise Tom, but plummets him to negative-60; more Beach Boys
2:29: emailer suggests Tom read Cracked's "I Wanna Write for Cracked!" page
2:31: caller's racist joke brings Tom down to negative-67
2:32: caller urges Tom not to kill himself, but the mention of Hova brings Tom down to negative-69; more Beach Boys; the racist caller tries to get on the air again, plummeting Tom to negative-74
2:39: Joy thinks Tom needs a woman, tries to tell dirty jokes to cheer him up, drops him to negative-76 ("apparently you want me to die"); Belinda (via email) tries to cheer up Tom with The Peanut Butter Jelly Time video, but now Tom's at negative-77; more Beach Boys; dropped call puts Tom at negative-78
2:45: caller's attempt to cheer up Tom with tales of the homeless puts him at negative-79; Gord (via email) points Tom to a Chris Makepeace fan site that briefly pulls him up to negative-74, but news of his cancelled Nickelodeon show makes him fall back to negative-75; Colleen's links to kitties pulls him up to negative-70
2:49: Dave's camping stories send Tom all the way back down to negative-79
2:52: Tom (the caller) wishes Tom (the host) all the best, but it doesn't help his mood; more Beach Boys
2:53: Timmy the Wrench tells a filthy joke, sending Tom over the edge to negative-80; Beach Boys on loop until the end of the show

07.30.2002 [no archive: "Mother 13," New Hope for the Ape-Eared]

"The Stitch 'n Bitch Sewing Circle Stops By The Show To Teach Tom How To Crochet. Also, Cory From The Alternative Band Mother 13 Calls In To Promote Their Latest Corporate-Sponsored Show."

08.06.2002

No show

08.13.2002

Start: music: Velvet Underground, "Waiting for My Man"; theme; music: The Rockets, "Let Me Go", The Snares, "Downtown", Twilight Circus Dub Sound System, "Dub Otaku"; back announce; Tom introduces new bed music: The Rockford Files theme; AP Dave announces he is leaving the show
0:26: Colleen talks about Canadian TV as Tom mocks her accent; Dave proposes an on-air search for his replacement; Tom GOMPs Colleen for "letting Tom go"
0:34: Jason from Soho inquires about the call screening gig, gets GOMPs
0:36: Roderick J. Martinez [JW], counsel for Robbie Robertson, informs Tom he's being sued for his anti-Band "slander"; when Tom threatens to countersue, Martinez offers to represent Tom; he's made a career of representing opposite sides, often under pseudonyms--which he calls "The Back-Atcha"--and sees no conflict of interest in this; Tom questions his success rate ("If I was a hitter, I'd be batting solid triple-digits!")
1:04: music: The New Race, "November 22, 1963"; Miles Davis, "Zimbabwe" (just a smidge); back announce; Dave reveals some call screening secrets
1:20: Pete wants Tom's opinion on XXX; compares his favorite scene from Master of Disguise with Dave's;Tom is haunted by the vision of Ranger Jim call screening his show
1:23: Ryan from Brooklyn wants to be a call screener because of the pizza parties; Dave grills Ryan on some call screening problems
1:25: a potental call screener's wife calls in to advocate for her husband, Heclino (?); Tom is suspicious of their "games"
1:28: Vincent wants to be a call screener so he has something to do at night; Tom is suspicious of his Travis Bickel-esque motives
1:30: caller gets discouraged by the lack of money and future in the call screener gig
1:31: Mona from Passaic thinks she could be a good screener because she once had phone stalker; Tom GOMPs her because she's disappointed over the position's lack of pay
1:33: Petey wishes Dave a fond farewell, reminisces over his early calls; Tom confuses Petey over H.G. Wells; Petey does his Sammy Siggles character; Tom wonders if he wants to make Sammy an animated character
1:40: Sam from Langley, VA wants to call screen but is a bit too far away; he then insists he lives in Brooklyn; Tom asks him to prove it (and his fanhood of The Best Show) via trivia; he fails miserably and is GOMPed
1:44: Eric wants to call screen but "doesn't even know what show this is", gets GOMPed
1:45: Sue from Stich n' Bitch calls in, passes around the phone to her fellow Stitch n' Bitchers, who Tom suspects of plotting behind Sue's back; Tom gets excited by the girls' description of their crochet bikinis; Tom thinks Sue has what it takes to call screen, but she has sewing circle commitments
1:56: Captain Jack (using a suspiciously Dylan-esque voice) wants to know if the call screening job provides groupies he can "tap into", gets GOMPed
1:57: caller asks Dave about the best part of working with Tom; Dave: "anything can happen at any moment"; Tom talks Rockford Files
2:01: music: The Sights, "Be Like Normal", X27, "Me", The Loved Ones, "I Want You to Love Me", Hot Snakes, "XOX", MC5, "Rocket Reducer No. 62 (Rama Lama Fa Fa Fa)"; back announce; Tom recalls Dave's easy interview process
2:23: Rich wants to be a call screener; Dave grills him with a Harry Knowles-related question
2:27: Matt from Jersey City, an occasional WFMU volunteer, wants to call screen; Tom makes him do a sample Rockford Files answering machine message and is delighted with his own "George Martin-level of production"; Dave tries his own Rockford message
2:36: Dan Mackta calls in to do his own Rockford message; Tom plays drop-ins from Rockford and All in the Family
2:41: Tom refuses to explain Rockford to caller without cable
2:43: Ryan from Stro checks in, half-heartedly declares himself a call screener candidate; Tom quizzes Ryan on TV trivia, and he fails miserably; Ryan informs Tom of the college-induced breakup of Stro, and Tom declares victory; Tom welcomes Ryan's Irish friend to America, then GOMPs him
2:53: Tony wants to call screen; Tom gets him to do a Rockford message
2:58: for some reason, Tom wants Ranger Jim to audition for the call screening gig; outro

08.20.2002

Start: Tom has fun with/mocks the scratchy record; theme; music: Crazy Horse, "Downtown", Jason Loewenstein, "Transform", The Cheater Slicks, "Momentary Muse", James Kochalka Superstar, "Monkey vs. Robot", The Art Attacks, "I Am a Dalek"; Tom and Dave discuss Dave's impending departure; back announce; Tom demands that Dave start watching The Rockford Files
0:30: Anti-Hasu Kid wishes Dave well, wants to reschedule his fight with The Hasu Kid; Tom reads anti-Anti-Hasu Kid email
0:35: Philly Boy Roy [JW] just saw Signs for the 25th time, appreciates all the Philly landmarks in it but was confused by "the Arabian guy"; Roy discusses his upcoming film Philly Pride and challenges Tom to a new bet: if the Eagles win every game this season, including the Super Bowl, he gets to break Tom's neck on the air; Tom tries to solicit less violent alternatives from the listeners; they finally decide that if Tom wins, he'll give Roy a tour of Jersey (the idea of which sickens Roy), and if Roy wins, he'll subject Tom to a tour of Philly; Roy warns Tom that Philly may secede and get "the bomb"
1:10: music: The Television Personalities, "How Does It Feel to be Loved", Barbara Manning and the Go Luckys, "I Insist"; Tom didn't "feel it" with last week's call screener applicants; back announce; Dave gets best wishes via email from Gord; Tom has received the CD from Petey's band Suburbanal Cuts, "Understanding the Probalities" [sic]; will Petey be willing to submit his CD to the Smash or Trash gauntlet?; more email; Dave talks about getting his turntable signed by James Kochalka
1:26: Tom and Dave play a game: which members of Crazy Horse have web sites and which don't?; Dave goes 5 for 6 (with bonus member Frank "Poncho" Sampedro); Dave praises Blue Crush as "Star Wars without all the space stuff and chicks in bikinis surfing", while Tom praises The Kid Stays in the Picture as "best movie of the year
1:37: Ranger Jim calls to say goodbye to Dave; Tom tries to entice him to drop Greasy Kid Stuff and join The Best Show; Dave wonders if Ranger Jim could handle the crazy Best Show wrap parties; Hova joins the discussion and supports Ranger Jim "if this is something you need to do" but claims the name Ranger Jim is the property of GKS; Tom invites the whole GKS crew to the Dave going-away party; Hova hangs up on Tom, thus making him even more determined to snatch Ranger Jim away
1:54: Tom wants Richard (potential call screener) to call in; station announcements
1:57: Jamie from Toronto (friend of Chris) wants to know why Dave's leaving; Tom mocks Yonge Street, hangs up on Jamie for toilet talk; Dave blames the potty talk of Canadian TV/radio; Tom calls tonight's callers "garbage"
2:00: music: The Snares, "Downtown", The Styrenes, "Where the Girls Are", The Sights, "Sorry Revisited", The Whiteouts, "Colombia", Tina and the Total Babes, "Tell that Girl to Shut Up"; back announce
2:21: Colleen says nobody's calling because they can't call screen; Tom mocks her Canadian accent, the Celsius scale, and the metric system
2:25: Ryan from Stro gets invited to the farewell party; Tom is glad that Stro (as a band name) is dead, predicts that Ryan will get picked on by freshmen even though he's a senior, offers his bodyguard services
2:30: Chris from Canada apologizes for his potty-mouthed friend, thoroughly confuses Tom with arcane historical references; Tom thinks Canada is "like being on Novocaine", invokes "Garth and Gord and Ted and Alice" again; is there such a thing as a Canadian action star?; Chris insists on the superiority of Tim Horton's sour cream donuts; Gord joins them, bemoans Tim Horton's "going Wal-Mart" after they were bought by Wendy's; Chris gets flushed after getting a little too creepy about Colleen; Tom continues to insist on America's superiority, which Gord resists; Tom thinks Gord would make a great call screener; Gord reads a great Rockford Files plot synopsis, schools Tom on Canadian TV
2:49: Lydia from Livingston wants to be a call screener, gets a trial run at call screening with a scraggly-voiced creep; she's joined by Rich, another potential call screener, and they compare workouts; Rich gets a trial call with the same creep who called earlier
2:56: Officer Tom reports he shall remain Officer Tom for the foreseeable future; man with extremely fake voice wants to be a call screener, gets abused by Officer Tom; Tom invites him to Dave's farewell party
3:00: Tom previews the party; outro

08.27.2002

Start: Tom has a dialogue with the scratchy record; theme; music: Nation of Ulysses, "Mockingbird Yeah!", Pixies, "Alec Eiffel", Modey Lemon, "Caligula"; Tom grills Dave on his Rockford Files viewing, bids him a sad farewell; back announce; Tom replaces Rockford Files theme as bed music with The Doors' "The End"
0:21: Ron in Brooklyn wants to callscreen; Dave and Tom grill him; Tom is impressed by his knowledge of the Smirnoff Ice salesman
0:27: Tom puts Dave to work ordering pizza, questions an unheard mystery guest who's "finally" in studio
0:32: music: Velvet Underground, "Guess I'm Falling in Love", White Stripes, "I'm Finding it Hard to Be a Gentleman", MC5, "Shakin' Street", The White Outs, "Which Anniversary Is Lead?"; back announce
0:46: Tom calls in the group of prospective call screeners, declares Dave's party night will be "hell night" for them; contestants include Ryan from Stro, Richard, and Matt; mystery guest revealed as Officer Tom
0:52: Carlo (call screener/board op for 7-Second Delay) wishes Dave the best, wants to know who has the inside track for new Best Show call screener; Tom discusses the importance of eye contact with Officer Tom; who is the weakest willed contestant?; Tom GOMPs Carlo
0:57: Tom and Officer Tom discuss the proper call screener-testing equipment, including pugile sticks and wood chippers
1:00: Ryan from Stro gets a sample call with a caller who objects to the presence of a police officer at WFMU; Tom GOMPs him, requests more sample callers
1:02: Ryan's friend Joel says Ryan's "a good kid"; Tom GOMPs him for referring to a fellow teen as a "kid"
1:05: Mary thinks the call screeners seem a little nervous; Tom asks her who should go get the pizza; Ryan volunteers, to hearty applause
1:09: Dave discusses a unique call screening quandary; caller "Wendy" schools the call screeners on the 3 musts of Best Show call screening: must be on topic, must have their radio down, and must not be eating anything
1:13: Tom grills Hova about Ranger Jim's call screening abilities, though Hova terms him more a "call answerer"; Tom gloats about getting past Ranger Jim when calling GKS; the pizza arrives, and Tom will consider how the contestants eat their pizza when making his decision; Belinda reveals she knows Ryan; Tom finally gets Matt to talk, who says he's not eating pizza because he thinks it's rude to do so on the air
1:22: fake stuttering caller wants to talk to M-m-m-matt; Dave praises Matt for his thwarting technique; Matt gives Tom a gift: a DVD of a fake doc by Peter Jackson; Dave gets a Jango Fett playset; DJ Terre T arrives
1:30: Hot Rockin' Ronnie [JW] taunts Tom because he lured Dave away from WFMU to join his new show, the AmeriBel Morning Zoo Hour, which only broadcasts to American bases in Belgium; HRR is now known as Major Damage; HRR spars with Officer Tom
1:46: music: Television Personalities, "How Does it Feel to Be Loved", The Savages, "Heat Ache"; back announce;
1:54: Tom is very disappointed in Dave for taking HRR's job offer; Tom instructs the contestants to watch Dave handle the phones; Dave thinks Ryan doesn't have what it takes to call screen, but Ryan protests otherwise; Matt and Richard talk about volunteering during Glenn Jones' record-shattering radio marathon
2:06: Sherrif John Bennel of World's Scariest Police Chases [AE] wishes Dave the best with many of his favorite catch phrases
2:09: Dave gets a lovely gift from Terre T: a personalized Best Show polo shirt; Tom wants Dave to listen to the Yo La Tengo version of "I Threw it All Away"; Tom and Dave ask Officer Tom about homicide procedure; Tom urges Petey to call in to take part in Smash or Trash; Tom makes observations about the tone of the room
2:18: Officer Mike (Officer Tom's cousin) calls in to test Richard and talk shop and martial arts with Officer Tom; he reveals his cousin's nickname is Over the Top Tom
2:31: Richard reveals he has an upcoming "reckless driving" court case; have any other contestants broken the law?
2:34: Petey calls in, excited about getting Onimusha 2; Tom tops him by saying he's getting both Onimusha 3 and 4; Petey picks "Tommy's Song (live)" for Smash or Trash
2:49: Philly Boy Roy [JW] votes Trash, does not like that Officer Tom is in the studio
2:52: Smash or Trash continues: The Suburbanal Cuts are a smash!
2:57: Tom whittles down the contestants to Matt and Richard; Dave and Tom give each other a fond farewell; outro

09.03.2002

Start: Tom plays with the scratchy record and the delay button; theme; music: Screaming Trees, "The End of the Universe", The Lords of Altamont, "Three", Jason Loewenstein, "Codes", Roky Erickson, "Starry Eyes"; back announce; Tom says SST Records is better than ever, and visits their web site to prove it; Tom has a confusing self-dialogue about wasting everyone's time
0:29: Tom talks about visting Austin during Gearfest; the good and bad things about Austin (most of the bad things involve being in Texas); Tom's review of the MTV VMAs--is Michael Jackson really the artist of the new millennium?; Tom notes this is the first Dave-free show in quite a while; Eminem gets flustered by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog; Guns n' Roses hideous appearance
0:44: Monica calls in to discuss the VMAs: Axl Rose's Mickey Rourke-esque aging, Christina Aguilera's irresponsible stylist, Eminem's posturing, Justin Timberlake's MJ imitation, and Cirque du Soleil; the weirdness of Michael Jackson and Mary J. Blige
1:04: caller from Morris County says the pro of living there is watching trees get chopped down; says he'd live in Argentina or Washington State if he could, tells a story about Illinois black dirt that Tom refuses to believe; Tom responds to anti-VMA email; an email report on the pros and cons of Tokyo
1:15: "Willie" from Williamsburg says the good and bad thing about living there is walking around Bedford Ave and being seen, resents the newer gentrifiers; Tom insists he's seen The Liars live 108 times, confuses Brooklyn Williamsburg with Colonial Williamsburg; Tom suspects Willie is Canadian, which he insists he's not, though he'd like to find a nice Canadian woman; email
1:25: caller shares an apartment listing joke; Tom is still confused about this Brooklyn Williamsburg
1:26: music: The Blank Stares, "All Blown Up", Rolling Stones, "Lady Jane", Neil Young, "Borrowed Tune", Suburbanal Cuts, "Tommy's Song"; back announce; Tom previews next week's interview with Jimmy McDonough, author of Neil Young bio Shakey
1:40: Petey checks in; Tom is shocked that Petey didn't write the original tune to "Singin' in the Pizza"
1:42: Kevin Purcey [AE], an old friend of Tom's younger brother Dan, heard Tom on the radio and had to call in to catch up; he all but worships Tom and remembers their collective teenage-hood with a lot more detail and fondness than Tom does--particularly his "catchphrase" IT'S CASUAL!
2:06: Bronwyn checks in via email; Tom announces the choice for his new Magazine Club: the inaugural issue of Gene Simmons' Tongue Magazine, which all FOTs should purchase and be ready to discuss
2:08: Ryan from Brooklyn confuses Tom because he doesn't have a TV, wants to know the origin of the title The Best Show ("Do the math, that's all I can say"), details his adventures in drinking; Tom returns to the weirdness of Texas
2:16: Petey calls back, excited about The Rockford Files; Tom plays a clip from "Singin' in the Pizza"; Petey details the plot of the movie of the same name; Tom talks to Petey's dad, who is proud/confused by his son; Tom wants to know if he can adopt Petey, and Petey's dad sounds disturbingly open to the idea; Petey talks about his school and his only buddy, Brian, who has yet to hear Suburbanal Cuts; Tom pretends that Brian's in studio
2:31: Tom is exhausted; another preview of Jimmy McDonough's appearance; email
2:33: Brian thinks Tom should apologize to his friend James for hanging up on him several weeks ago when he said he didn't have cable; Tom gets James on the phone just to hang up on him
2:35: Scott is happy to hear The Best Show after a bad date; Tom chastises him for not paying for his date's meal, and many other offenses; Tom tries to give him some dating tips and set him up on a date with a listener; Scott's virtues: looks vaguely like Nicolas Cage, can escape from a straight jacket and handcuffs
2:53: kid calls back after getting hung up on because of a crappy phone; Tom refuses to believe he's calling from a cell phone; kid wants to be the Petey; Tom tells the story of his school days, which sounds suspiciously like the plot to My Bodyguard
3:01: outro

09.10.2002

Start: music: Neil Young, "Powderfinger", "Don't Cry No Tears", "Danger Bird", "Lotta Love", "The Loner"
0:21: Anti-Hasu Kid calls in; back announce; Tom fills Anti-Hasu Kid in on all his favorite bands that played on the show when he wasn't listening, reads anti-Anti-Hasu Kid email
0:27: caller wants to know what Neil Young songs Tom played, hopes Neil Young didn't die; Tom wants him to think of a question for Neil Young biographer Jimmy McDonough, who will be on the show later
0:28: Kevin Purcey [AE] calls again; he invites Tom to go see Stomp, but Tom is strenuously uninterested in going, and in repeating his erstwhile catchphrase (IT'S CASUAL!); Kevin shares a tape he found of Tom's first band (Back Alley Ruckus) and a mix tape Tom made him, asks Tom for his younger brother's phone number
0:36: caller thinks Tom was too mean to Kevin
0:37: Ken needs help with a studio problem, but there's no one in the studio (other than Tom)
0:39: Brian driving on the Turnpike wants to know the deal is with the show; Tom asks him to shut his car off ("just to see what happens!"); Brian shares a CSNY story
0:44: caller who thought Tom was too mean calls back to comment on the length of Shakey
0:46: music: Buffalo Springfield, "Expecting to Fly", Neil Young, "Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere"; back announce
0:53: interview with Jimmy McDonough, author of the Neil Young biography Shakey, interrupted briefly by Officer Tom, who promises to take Tom on a ride-along
2:11: music: Neil Young, "See the Sky About to Rain", "Albuquerque"; back announce
2:21: the inaugural edition of The Best Show Magazine Reading Club, covering Gene Simmons' Tongue Magazine
2:24: Officer Tom checks in, finds Tongue a glorified KISS catalog; Ryan from Brooklyn joins the discussion, could not bring himself to actually purchase a copy; Tom reads the magazine's intro in a Gene Simmons voice
2:31: Chris would like WFMU DJs to contribute to his magazine, (t)here
2:36: Tom reads excerpts from Gene Simmons' interview with Fred Durst
2:38: caller can't take anymore of the Fred Durst interview, but Tom proceeds (occasionally lapsing into Ted Knight mode); caller volunteers Renny Harlin as second worst director of all time; the horror of 8mm is discussed, can Tom do a remote from his ridealong with Officer Tom? ; caller wants an update on Tom's bet with Philly Boy Roy
2:51: outro

09.17.2002

Start: theme, music: Arab on Radar, "God is Dad", The Fatal Flying Guillotines, "Call the Draw", Echo and the Bunnymen, "Going Up", Sir Lord Baltimore, "Woman Tamer", The Electric Eels, "Cyclotron"; Tom asks his Canadian brethren to call in; back announce
0:22: Chris in Toronto is under the weather, talks hockey rivalries; Tom will be in Toronto soon and wants to go on a Tim Horton's run
0:30: Petey calls in just as Tom updates the listeners on Scott's adventures in dating, declares himself an Advice Guy; Petey tries to give Tom the URL for his Suburbanal Cuts page but gets confused; Tom wants a cut for managing Suburbanal Cuts; Petey wants listeners to provide voices for his latest video game; Tom says he just played Onimusha 3, which has a character called Samurai Siggles
0:38: Ryan from Brooklyn needs advice: how tall is too tall for a girl?
0:39: caller needs a job in a week; Tom tries to solicit on her behalf
0:41: Max wants to promote his web site, devoted to weird animation and the new religion of Roosterism, insists he doesn't get picked on at school ("You know what 'getting picked on' means, don't you?")
0:48: Lorraine in Canada (Gord's sister) needs a job ("You need your potful, dontcha?"); Tom suggests attending Apex Tech; Gord reluctantly takes the phone to discuss Tom's impending Canadian adventure
0:55: caller wants to find The Perfect Man for her friend, Sara; Tom doesn't think she's ready for The Perfect Man; Tom gets Sara on the phone, thinks she needs to grow up a little bit first
1:04: Teddy in Lodi wants to talk to the last girl, insists he's a good egg; Sara calls back for a possible love connection
1:12: Pete from Middletown, NY wants to know if he should move back to Jersey City; Tom thinks he sounds like he really wants to move back
1:19: Max reads a fortune cookie on the air, says Ted Kaczinski just escaped from prison (just kidding!); Tom pronounces him trouble
1:22: music: David Bowie, "Cracked Actor", ESG, "UFO", Erase Errata, "Retreat", The Crusaders, "Under Your Mushroom", Mudhoney, "Inside Job"; Tom wants to hear from kids and talk about Patrick Ewing's retirement; back announce; Tom promotes the WMFU Benefit Concert
1:41: Jim says he has a friend who wants to break the Guinness World Record for consecutive piano playing, but has many vices that impact his health/stamina; will Tom let this man proclaim his new, clean lifestyle on the air and give weekly updates?; Tom sounds amenable to the idea
1:44: Greg gets weird about Patrick Ewing; Tom GOMPs him; another bad call Tom hangs up on
1:46: Captain Jack calls Tom "The Answer Boy", wants to know what to call this decade?; Tom says The Zeds, gives a musical button for each decade
1:49: Tom recites some of Petey's video game dialogue
1:50: caller thinks the 00s should be called The Dickade, records some dialogue for Petey
1:51: caller calls the 00s The Oughts, records some dialogue for Petey
1:52: caller crossing the GWB on his way to Coop City thinks the 00s should be called The Double-0s; Tom needs a female actor for Petey's video game
1:53: Max calls again to vote for The Double-0s; Tom says no more calls for Max tonight, but Max says a midget with a shotgun forced him to call; Tom wants to talk to his mom, even if Max has to wake her up
1:55: Tom says there's a Canadian ripoff of his show on CFMU
1:58: Barbara provides female voice work for Petey's video game
2:01: caller wants to know if she should apply to grad school for film theory or work for another year; Tom talks her through the pros and cons, while getting some dialogue for Petey's video game;
2:09: Bob, a radio hobbyist, tries to tell Tom about CFMU but has a horrible phone connection
2:09: Mark has "a real humdinger": while drunk, he kissed a buddy; Tom advises they pretend like it never happened, hangs up on him for toilet talk
2:11: Bob tries to call back, but his phone is even worse this time, though he refuses to believe how bad his connection is; Bob finally gives Tom the phone number for CFMU; a few callers share their opinion on Bob's connection
2:14: Best Show Magazine Club resumes, with discussion of Gene Simmons' Tongue Magazine; caller wonders how Simmons can say the stuff about women he does, yet be "unmarried" to Shannon Tweed; Tom introduces caller to the misogynistic world of Tom Leykis; Tom pities the KISS fans who feel compelled to buy every bit of merchandise; Tom would not honor a KISS check; caller wants to know about the Freemasons
2:21: caller Tom whose grandparents were Masons says it's not all that exciting; host Tom wonders if caller's grandparents lied to him; would caller be willing to beat up his own grandfather? and could he beat up his grandfather? how about his father? tag team grampa and caller vs. dad: who wins?
2:26: Tom hangs up on a suspicious caller, then reads from Tongue's interview with Tommy Lee; Tom would love to hear from someone with Soundscan access to find out how many copies of Tommy Lee's new album have sold so far
2:31: caller whose dad was a Mason explains the Masons at excruciating length
2:36: Tom needs a caller to get him into an advance screening of Adaptation; more of the Tommy Lee interview; Tom tries to read Gene Simmons' interview with Hugh Hefner, but gets bored to tears;
2:43: music: The Savages, "Heat Ache", Deacon Blue "Shake Some Action", [?]
2:56: Gord wants to know how soon until Tongue collapses; Tom gives it 4 issues; Gord thinks The Best Show needs a new call screener ASAP, looks forward to seeing Tom in Toronto
3:01: Tom reports (via a Soundscan spy) Tommy Lee's album sales; outro

09.24.2002

Start: Tom interviews the scratchy record on a variety of topics, such as the Mets' pot scandal and corporal punishment; theme, music: Lords of Altamont, "Lean on Me', The Bugs, "AEIOU", The Whitefield Brothers, "In the Raw", The Jewws, "Just Blink She's Gone", The Lyres, "Tear You Up"; Tom intros new call screen Matt; back announce; preview of interview with Mark Porro of Nutri Nuts
0:23: ex-call screener Dave checks in; Tom pretends to not know who he is; Dave critiques Matt's call screening, reports seeing Bob and Dave on Broadway; Tom talks about his Canadian adventure
0:34: Jim calls for an update on the prospective Guinness World Record for piano playing; Tom realizes he knows the man attempting to break the record
0:38: Dave discusses his sadness over leaving the show, wants dirt on the new WFMU schedule, which Tom can not divulge
0:40: Gord calls in to talk to Tom about their Canadian adventure in The T-Dot; Tom calls Toronto "New York without all the highs and lows", reverses his opinion on Tim Horton's sour cream donuts; Chris joins the conversation, schools Tom on the real Tim Horton's life; Tom says he's working on a Tim Horton movie script called Donut of Dreams, which is surprisingly graphic; Tom wants to be a Canadian, "if you'll have me", shares his new Canadian name: Ryal; Tom saw Forrest Whittaker and Salman Rushdie on the streets of Toronto; Gord declares Tom "the chancellor of the exchequer"
0:56: Petey calls in; Tom insists The Suburbanal Cuts have broken up, which Petey disputes
1:03: Tom wants to play a song from an Eazy-E album; email from a possible cult leader who says his "cult" is coming to get Tom; email about Monoman of the Lyres' stage antics at Maxwells; more email
1:08: interview with Mark Porro of Nutri Nuts; during the interview, Tom eats far too many Nutri Nuts; Mark and Tom take calls, several of which come from cranks with nut-related "humor"; Matt apologizes for his novice call screening mistakes
1:39: creepy caller with a "fan club" takes responsibility for the crank calls, says he's gonna "get" Tom
1:41: Leon wants more details about the Mets' pot scandal; Tom hangs up on another crank caller; Tom wants to talk truce with the leader of the "fan club"; The Leader calls in, doesn't want to talk truce, threatens to come to the station
1:43: Officer Tom thinks The Leader sounds like a punk, wants to offset his negativity; Tom wonders if his ridealong will be like Training Day; Officer Tom's motto: 3 can keep a secret if 2 are dead; Tom wants to be "the fat cop"; Officer Tom shares some more cop secrets; Tom would like do a segment called Officer Tom at the Movies; Officer Tom thinks Super Troopers is like reality TV; Tom wants to play the theme from S.W.A.T. in the squad car and pick on firemen; which public servants do cops respect the least?
music: The Styrenes, "I Saw You", The Walkmen, "Look Out the Window", Highrise, "Turn You Cry", The Blank Stares, "All Blown Up", The Who, "Out in the Street", The Savages, "Who on the Bayou"; Tom has been informed he neglected to name a new publication for The Best Show Magazine Club; back announce; new WFMU fall schedule; email from Lorraine welcoming Tom to the Canadian fold; Tom debates what he should talk about out loud, most topics relating to how this show is tanking; Tom admits this is "not one for the history books"
2:26: "Randy" from "South Africa" calls; Tom does not appreciate his attempts at subterfuge, feels sick from eating too many Nutri Nuts
2:28: Captain Jack tries to instruct Tom on where the show went wrong; Tom sounds utterly defeated, wants to know the worst drug Captain Jack ever took, wonders if he hates land-lubbers, confuses him with New England-y pronunciation of "storm"; Captain Jack runs down the lineup of The Barnacle Blues Band
2:40: music: Cheater Slicks, "Please Explain It", The Blackouts, "Green Electric Glow", The Crusaders, "Under Your Mushroom"; back announce
2:54: Tom has a record cued up that he will play once someone answers a trivia question: what is the airport code for Toronto?; station announcements
2:56: ex-Canadian Fred from Bloomfield knows the answer (YYZ), chats briefly with Lorraine; Tom discusses The Motherland with Lorraine, wants to tell some Newfie jokes but can't remember any; Gord regales Tom with Newfie jokes, intros the song by his countrymen
3:00: music: Rush, "YYZ"; outro

10.01.2002

No show

10.08.2002

Start: Tom asks the Scratchy Record political questions; theme; music: 400 Blows, "The Root of Our Nature", High Rise, "Turn You Cry", Danzig, "Twist of Cain", The Savages, "Heat Ache"; back announce; Tom is not quite ready to give Matt the associate producer title yet; Tom debates a rating system for his opinion of Red Dragon
0:28: Philly Boy Roy [JW] calls in to exercise Rule #8 in The Philly Bettors' Handbook, which allows him to change his bet at will as long as he invokes it first; their new bet: if the Eagles win the Super Bowl, Tom has to move to Philly and never leave, and if they don't, Roy has to move to Jersey; updates on Philly Pride: M. Night Shyamalan has joined the cast; Roy also wants to form a band of Philly legends so they can break up and film a Last Waltz-type movie; Tom facetiously suggests Luzinski as the name of the band, which Roy loves
0:56: Tom gives Red Dragon a 2 out of 10
1:00: music: The Witches, "What Is Your Preferred Device", Sightings, "Cargo Embargo", The Microphones, "Where It's Hotter Pts. 1, 2, and 3", The Walkmen, "Look Out the Window"; back announce
1:17: Tom is joined in studio by John Conte, who will attempt to break the Guinness Record for consecutive piano playing (50 hours), and his friend, Jim, who wants to document the effort on film; John and Jim have made a few movies together already; John vows to give up tobacco, alcohol, and caffeine to increase his stamina and general health; various friends and family members call up to support or dissuade him, and lay claim to his stuff should he expire in the effort; Officer Tom offers his support and previews Officer Tom at the Movies
2:51: music: Rolling Stones, "Monkey Man"; call screener Matt thinks John Conte will shatter the record; outro

10.15.2002

No show

10.22.2002

Start: theme, music: Rolling Stones, "2000 Light Years from Home", Hot Hot Heat, "The Bandages"; back announce
0:14: Tom welcomes Soundtracapella to the studio; Greg Kelser [JG] and Trevor Reynolds [JB] apply their traditional a capella techniques to soundtrack tunes; they talk about their place in the greater a capella and soundtrack communities, then perform their own unique versions of the themes to Ghostbusters and Footloose; Soundtracapella take calls from Gord and Petey
0:54: music: Dan Melchior's Broke Review, "In Negative", High Rise, "Outside Gentiles", Elf Power, "I Walked with a Zombie"; back announce; Tom wants to hear from John Conte and get an update on his clean livin' resolution; Tom is still disgusted by Red Dragon and the creepiness of Brett Ratner
1:13: Officer Tom will be at the studio soon, thanks to police escort; Tom thinks the callers can't handle Open Phone Tuesday and freedom, so he devises a topic: who is your least favorite Sopranos character? Tom hates Artie Bucco
1:16: music: The Jewws, "You're Gonna Lose", The Royal Beat Conspiracy, "I Can't Take it Anymore", Run for Cover Lovers, "Romeo", Lo-Hi, "Follow It Down"; back announce; Tom declares Closed Phone Tuesday; emailer reports seeing Soundtracapella open for Bobby McFerrin
1:33: Kevin Purcey [AE] calls again, has apparently been listening to the wrong station looking for Tom; he invites Tom over for dinner, which Tom has zero interest in; Kevin understands, then tries to borrow money from him; when Tom says no, Kevin gets off the phone very quickly
1:42: Officer Tom is in studio for the very first installment of Officer Tom at the Movies
1:44: John Conte calls in to update his clean living quest in preparation for his record-breaking piano playing attempt; it's not going too well; Tom finds John's friend Jim creepy; caller thinks John won't break the record for bathroom reasons and his lack of a "microbiotic" diet; Jim calls in to defend himself, but Tom still thinks he'd be much happier if John dropped dead in his record-breaking effort; Jim will visit John's hometown to see if they will name a street or sandwich after him; Tom imagines the nauseating composition of a John Conte sandwich; Captain Jack offers to liven up his gig with an appearance by The Barnacle Blues Band; another friend of John's tries to dissuade him from his mad cause
2:14: Officer Tom at the Movies resumes (with theme provided by executive call screener Matt); Officer Tom rates movies on a 1-to-5 bullet scale, reviews Super Troopers, Showtime, The Royal Tennenbaums, High Crimes, All About the Benjamins, Blade 2, The New Guy; the origins of disparaging terms for police officers are discussed; Tom correctly pegs Officer Tom as hating Janice; Officer Tom presents some pics of himself with celebrities; Officer Tom fits Tom for his bulletproof vest; what kind of free stuff can Officer Tom get on the beat?; who makes it on the street and who doesn't?
2:52: music: The Dictators, "Stay with Me", The Real Kids, "All Kinds of Girls"; back announce; outro

10.29.2002

Start: theme, music: Larry Seven and Jim Sharp, "Mississippi Queen", Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, "Killer Wolf", Dan Melchior's Broke Review, "In Negative", Woodsy, "The Woodsy Rap"; back announce; Tom wants to hear from Mischief Night mayhem-makers
0:25: Matt in Canada talks about East Coast vs. West Coast, Canadian style, once dressed as Tin Foil Man for Halloween; his daughter will be dressed as a fairy lion princess
0:29: "Eric/Anti-Hasu Kid" wants to know what Tom will be for Halloween, gets hung up on for toilet talk
0:31: Petey is disappointed that no one showed up to his concert in his backyard; Tom plays music he and "his buddy Michael" made that sounds suspiciously like Petey's music; Petey requests a playing of "Favor-tie Song"; Tom says he beat Onimusha 3 (the Japanese version), then threw it out in the street; for Halloween, Petey plans to go around saying "herdis", then tape people as he trick-or-treats
0:38: Frank in Jersey City wants to talk about shooting at his school, gets hung up on for toilet talk
0:39: Eric/Anti-Hasu Kid insists earlier caller purporting to be him was an imposter; he has a bizarre Halloween costume, thinks trick-or-treating is okay up until age 22, which astounds Tom; Tom wants to hear from callers: what is the cutoff age for trick-or-treating?
0:46: Michelle from Newark thinks trick-or-treating should end when you hit high school; Tom tries to convince Eric that the economics of trick-or-treating make no sense; Tom also tries to spark a love connection between Michelle and Eric, but he's too young for her; Tom quizzes Michelle on her vitals and what she's looking for in a guy, but her phone dies
0:55: Jay from Jersey City thinks Tom is a huge Giants fan for some reason, gets hung up on
0:57: Michelle calls back; she's looking for an "indie man"; Tom quizzes her on her favorite bands; she talks on air with a prospective beau, Giacomo
1:09: music: Hi-Lo, "Lucy", Pavement, "In the Mouth of a Desert"; back announce
1:17: Tom welcomes Mike Lupica to perform their annual Record Fair info sketch; Chris calls in to say there should be a FOT event post-Record Fair; Tom reports his sneak peek of the FOT web site, wants to have a "Beat It"-style knife fight with FOTs; Mike runs off to grab a Van Halen track for Tom to play ("No Van Haggar! And no Gary Cherone!"); John Conte checks in briefly before VH
1:45: music: Van Halen, "Mean Streets", Elf Power, "Never Talking to You Again", The Dancing Cigarettes, "Pop Doormat"; back announce
1:57: John Conte updates his efforts to live clean in preparation for his record-setting piano playing attempt, which are not going too well; Tom thinks it's more important to be mentally ready; Ginny, a former girlfriend, calls in to support him (sort of); despite scoring films for a living, John does not enjoy film music very much
2:17: Tom introduces a new fast-paced game: I Don't Get It!; Tom doesn't get Buffy the Vampire Slayer, wearing baseball hats for fashion purposes, car culture, and "divas"; what don't you get?
2:21: caller doesn't get people chatting on cell phones as they back out of their driveway
2:22: Scott doesn't get umbrellas with telescoping "cups" or The Sopranos; Tom encourages calls from people who "get" stuff other people don't get; call screener Matt doesn't get video game movies
2:24: Dan, junior high student, doesn't get mohawks
2:25: caller explains the telescoping umbrella, but still thinks it's stupid
2:26: Betty doesn't understand low-waisted pants on girls
2:27: caller gets low-riding jeans, doesn't get the car bra; Tom doesn't get Kevin Smith
2:30: "Wendy from Windsor" doesn't get high-waisted pants, high-heeled boots, most sneakers, t-shirts with corporate logos, girls who wear Playboy/Hustler shirts, and big pants; Tom doesn't get "chicks who wear clothes"; Eric (via email) doesn't get baseball
2:35: caller doesn't get people who wear clothes that reveal too much body fat and people who pull into another highway lane only to drive parallel to the rest of traffic; Matt (via email) doesn't get Star Trek
2:36: Jacques gets the car bra but doesn't get it, or white people who dress "black"
2:39: Max doesn't get "there's more than one way to skin a cat"
2:39: caller doesn't get metal with screamed, indecipherable lyrics, people who say "outside the box" and "pushing the envelope"
2:41: Teddy gets Buffy, doesn't get American Idol
2:43: call screener Matt doesn't get PT Cruisers or Faith Hill; Tom doesn't get Queens of the Stone Age
2:45: Grady doesn't get the mysterious subway decals; more email "I don't get it"s
2:47: Kevin Purcey [AE] calls in again, has yet to hear back from Tom's brother; he apologizes for asking for money, but wants to know if he can crash Tom's place for a while, since "it's not so quiet at my house right now"; Tom refuses, feeling put on the spot, and blames Kevin for "killing" the show
2:55: caller doesn't get moving from subway car to subway car; Tom doesn't understand the runaway hit of The Best Show!
2:57: caller doesn't get down payments
2:58: Max calls back, doesn't get high-heeled sneakers and backwards baseball caps; outro

11.05.2002

Start: Tom expresses his hatred for the scratchy record; theme, music: Volcano Suns, "Testify", The Warlocks, "Hurricane Heartattack", The Dirtbombs, "I Can't Stop Thinking About It", Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "Machine"; back announce; Tom declares the Volcano Suns the best band ever; Canadian email
0:30: Tom relates the sad saga of his failed quest to get a McDonalds Oreo McFlurry; he now feels completely trapped by his desire for one
0:38: Michelle from Newark says she often craves pasta with vodka sauce and the now defunct Dunkin Donuts Omwiches, which is still seen on some DD menu boards; Tom and Michelle debate the new-look Dunkin Donuts; Michelle suggests Dairy Queen as a McFlurry alternative, but Tom wants the real deal
0:44: caller with atrocious accent does not drop his dumb attempt at humor, even when Tom confronts him about it
0:45: Howie of Howie and the Mean Dog misses Chiparoos; Tom wonders if Howie would use a time machine to bring back Chiparoos from the past, rather than killing Hitler
0:52: George thinks Tom shoul2 get 20 McFlurries and make himself sick or never touch them again, thinks Tom is about to go on a scary downward spiral; Tom wants George to sing "Waitin' for My Man", but George says he can't sing ("Neither can Lou Reed!")
0:56: Tom still lusts for the Oreo McFlurry and its weird, giant spoon; James (via email) relates his periodic jones for White Castle hamburgers; Tom has a King Midas-esque fantasy involving McFlurries
0:59: caller craves pad thai; Tom compares the NYC restaurant Republic to a slave ship
1:02: caller Tom talks about his thwarted craving for White Castle, takes a trip down memory lane with various Jersey eateries; caller Tom says he's more of a Burger King man; Tom wants him to admit their deserts are inferior
1:06: Mike from Hunchback misses Tater Skins, would totally rescue dirty-looking cases of them if given the chance; Mike disgusts Tom by admitting he would totally eat liquified Tater Skins
1:10: Petey is addicted to an animated short called "The Black Fly", plays the theme song from it; Petey fears the Oreo McFlurry will take Tom's mind, but wants an M&M McFlurry
1:19: music: The Smiths, "Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want", Pavement, "Trigger Cut", Hot Hot Heat, "Bandages", Mr. Airplane, "Commit a Crime", Wire, "Read and Burn"; Tom is tempted to call McDonalds and ask why the Oreo McFlurry is unavailable; back announce
1:38: James tells Tom about the French McDonalds schism; as a vegan, James only craves convenience; Bronwyn (via email) names many beloved food items no longer manufactured; more emailed craves
1:48: Guy from South Orange misses flavored ginger ale now that he's out in "the boons"; Tom wonders how he found a phone to call from in such a remote location; Guy and Tom marvel at the wonder of the McFlurry spoon
1:52: caller suggests Guy should go to a Whole Foods for flavored ginger ale; Tom suspects she's the heir to the Whole Foods fortune; they discuss the "genetic loophole" of The Atkins Diet; caller misses Apple Slice
1:56: ex-call screener Dave shares some call screening secrets; Tom tries to expel Dave's migraine by commanding it to leave; Dave sings the Tater Skins theme song; Tom suggests buying a McFlurry and resting it on his head, calls Dave "the iceman" and Matt "the refrigerator"
2:07: Small Change craves the apple-flavored soda, Aspen, loves Trader Joe's
2:11: Captain Jack misses Fizzies and Turkish Taffy, labels Tom "his antagonist"; he tells a story of being reprimanded for sneaking out to get candy by his Grape Nuts-obsessed father, which Tom recreates; Captain Jack promos his brother's band; Tom says Captain Jack should make his stern father walk the plank
2:20: Sophie (via email) questions the depths of Tom's McFlurry craving; email from StompBox confirms the continued existence of Grape Nuts
2:22: PJ craves Gobs, a confection indigenous to Johnstown, PA ("Flood City, USA"), has a video project in which she tapes women eating them; Tom surmises that Johnstown now leads the country in floods and diabetes
2:28: Chris craves Funyuns ("I knew I've got a Funyuns kind of audience!"), spills the beans on a taste-testing trip to the Kentucky Fried Institute of Technology to try out onion-based snacks
2:34: Brandon calls in for first time since Dave left, bothers his dad by talking too loud; Tom encourages him to "Jackass" his dad; Brandon is bothered by the McFlurry straw, which Tom attributes to it being man-sized; he craves the insane, over-stuffed sandwiches from the Grease Trucks of New Brunswick
2:41: John Conte checks in after "your basic flop" of a week, reports an underwhelming reception for his record attempt announcement at a concierge convention; Captain Jack calls in to offer to bring his along Barnacle Blues Band for support; Tom thinks John needs something to recharge his batteries, tries to spur him on with several "innocence of children" scenarios
2:58: email from a potted meat enthusiast; station announcements; outro

11.12.2002

Start: theme, music: Big Dipper, "Mr. Woods", Black Sabbath, "Children of the Grave", Electric Eel Shock, "Speedy Joe"; back announce; Dan in Canada (via email) thinks Tom should dedicate this show to Katie Holmes; Tom needs to talk to Gord and Chris
0:22: Ron Templeton [JW], a co-worker of Tom's at Consolidated Cardboard, calls Tom by mistake, thinking he's leaving a message with another co-worker named Mark, and complains at length about "that jerk Scharpling; when confronted, Ron attempts to play it off as a joke, but then immediately calls back to leave Mark a voice mail about a sinister plan to get Tom fired; once again, Ron tries to portray it as a prank, but then calls back a third time with an even creepier voice mail for Mark: "we need to take Scharpling on the ride you don't come home from"; Ron insists he's acting out a scene from a play, then wants to know what it'll take for Tom to not go to the police [Best Show Gems, 12.14.09]
0:47: Tom reads NY Post article on kids trying to sneak into screenings of 8 Mile; Tom offers himself out as a guardian for minors who want to see 8 Mile, for the small fee of $30/child
0:52: Gord calls in; Tom wants to unveil FriendsofTom.com, but Chris is unavailable for the digital ribbon cutting; Gord recalls seeing Jeff Healey on the Chris Makepeace Nickelodeon show Going Great; the ridiculousness of Roadhouse is discussed
1:00: Eric didn't like 8 Mile, gets hung up on for being a weisenheimer
1:02: Petey has highly suspect reviews of 8 Mile and Jackass, tells Tom about his Space Ghost animated movie, says he's already seen FriendsofTom.com; Tom promotes his guardian service, plus snacks for an additional fee
1:10: another Eric wants Tom to explain his guardian service; Tom emphasizes the guaranteed nature of his service; Tom rescinds his offer when Eric unleashes toilet talk; Katie Holmes-related email
1:15: Ken wants Tom to play more music, wants to know why he won't take kids to see The Ring instead of 8 Mile; Tom offers Ken a 10% finder's fee if he can steer some kids his way
1:19: Officer Tom reports being asked by 17-year-old cheerleaders to take them to see 8 Mile (his "Dark Overlord" thwarted him), recalls how his dad brought a bunch of kids to see The Warriors, with unfortunate results; Tom remembers his insane experience seeing Class of 1984
1:29: music: The Warlocks, "Hurricane Heart Attack", The Piranhas, "I Am Machine/David", Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "Machine", Judas Priest, "Hot Rockin", Dan Melchior's Broke Review, "In Negative"; back announce; tonight's hot topic: worst band ever; what bands are so bad they make you angry?; for Tom, it's The Eagles
1:58: caller [JW] says KISS is the worst band ever, says "Great Expectations" is their worst song; emailed contributions; Tom thinks Insane Clown Posse might surpass them all
2:03: caller [AE] says worst bands are The Firm, Wilco, The Traveling Wilburys, Little Village; Tom expounds on the hideousness of ICP
2:11: caller says Rush for Geddy Lee's voice, Dave Matthews for his frat-iness; more emailed hated bands
2:16: caller thinks Air Supply is the worst band ever for largely semantic reasons
2:19: John Conte votes for Menudo, expresses more doubts about his world record attempt; if Officer Tom reviews John's movies and hates them, he will bow out; Tom tells him to splash some water on his face, hangs up on him
2:22: Cynthia hates Van Halen, with emphasis on the "Jump" era
2:25: John Conte calls back, Tom insists he needs to toughen up if he wants to be a part of the show and its "circle of champions", bans him from the program until he toughens up
2:26: HR is playing The Pooh Sticks to combat all the talk of bad bands, hates The Doobie Brothers
2:27: caller hates Pink Floyd, particularly "Comfortably Numb", as "the banner of the enemy"; emailer suggests Steely Dan, which Tom declares one of the "Lords of Garbage"
2:30: caller hates Nelson; Tom imagines the Nelson brothers fighting each other on Celebrity Boxing
2:31: caller thinks pomposity is an essential element of bad bands, suggests Pearl Jam, Counting Crows, and Sting; Tom thanks Sting for teaching us all; Tom GOMPs another caller for hating the Rolling Stones; more email
2:37: caller can't stand Ugly Kid Joe, sees their spiritual legacy in Kid Rock
2:40: caller despises Bon Jovi; Tom marvels at how they became "The American U2", dredges up his hatred of NRBQ; more email
2:45: Captain Jack is concerned about John Conte; Tom rejects his "hippie platitudes"; an emailer thinks The Barnacle Blues Band is the worst band ever; Captain Jack tries to defend Steely Dan
2:50: George hates Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band; Tom prefers the Frankie Goes to Hollywood version of "Born to Run", shudders at the thought that it almost became New Jersey's state song; more email
2:53: caller from Nashville hates Widespread Panic for being hippies and racists; more email; call screener Matt chimes in with The Allman Brothers; outro

11.19.2002

Start: "Sanford Graves" says Tom is "in his limo right now" and will be with us shortly; theme, music: Twilight Circus Dub Sound System, "Lowell and 9", The Flaming Lips, "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots Pt. 2", DJ Yoda, "Billie Holliday Turntableized", Sugarman 3, "Pure Cane", Judas Priest, "Heading Out to the Highway", Frank Black and the Catholics, "Black Letter Day"; back announce;
0:30: Nadia checks in for first time since Teen Girl Night; she's on her way to see Secretary; Tom vows to call the theatre and prevent her from seeing an R-rated movie, and urges the listeners to thwart her as well
0:37: "The Jersey Devil" attempts to freak out Tom, but Tom acts more excited than frightened, then GOMPs him for his wavering accent; Tom and Matt try to contact the movie theatre where Secretary is playing
0:42: Matt in Brooklyn wants to give a shoutout to his friend Colleen, who works at WFMU; he signs off with "it's all good", which launches Tom on a semantic discussion of this phrase; the movie theatre remains elusive
0:44: Sheldon heaps praise on The Best Show; he also likes Glen Jones; Tom says Jones' show stinks, just to "shock" him; Tom says many insulting things to Sheldon, just to shock him, declares himself the "shock jock" of WFMU
0:48: Matt has a movie theatre update: spoke to the manager, but they can't "talk to any members of the media"; Tom thinks he needs to call the movie theatre because he's a shock jock
0:49: music: Sahara Hot Nights, The Warlocks, "Inside Outside"; back announce; Tom reaffirms his status as WFMU's resident Shock Jock with the strains of KISS's "Shock Me"
1:00: Tom calls up Corey Harris from Mother 13 [JW], to confront him about several bets he made during his first call to Tom; Corey now works at Radio Hut, Mother 13 got dropped from their major label, and he refused to sign with an indie label because he thought it was beneath him; despite all the setbacks, Corey now sees himself as "the next Puff Daddy" and plays a riff from a song he's written for a band he's producing (Scooter UK) that sounds suspiciously like "Smells Like Teen Spirit"; Corey also has some technological ideas that sound completely unfeasible
1:29: Gord announces he's ready to launch FriendsofTom.com; Tom cuts the ribbon with his digital scissors; Chris joins them to partake in the festivities; in early poll voting, Philly Boy Roy is the most hated caller, followed by Petey and Captain Jack; Tom wants a higher ranking for Gord and Chris than mere Friends of Tom; Gord suggests Vice Chancellor of the Exchequer, so they become the VCOTs; Gord complains about Joey G, the relentless president of the Tom fan club
1:46: music: Yo La Tengo, "Sugarcube", The Whiteouts, "Synapse Snap", The Soft Boys, "The Man with the Lightbulb Head", Bo Diddley, "Diddy Wah Diddy"; back announce;
2:06: Officer Tom contemplates going home to check out FriendsofTom.com, celebrates its launch with a McFlurry; he's tempted to kick down someone's door so he can check out the site on their computer; Officer Tom will be in the studio soon to review an unspecified movie
2:11: Kevin Purcey [AE] calls to apologize for asking to crash at Tom's place, has extremely corny/outdated ideas about how to "spice up" FriendsofTom.com; emailer urges Tom to be less interesting; another emailer wants Tom to explain his simile of The Best Show being like cake, but Tom prefers to respond as Doc Shock
2:22: Stinky from Bloomfield wants to know the details of Tom's bet with Philly Boy Roy; Doc Shock "shocks" him
2:24: Doc Shock will prank phone call a WFMU DJ!; he calls Hova, who says he's holding a meeting of the Doc Shock Fan Club, preemptively GOMPs Tom; Doc Shock calls back pretending to be a police officer, but Hova pegs him right away
2:28: a few failed attempts to prank WFMU DJs before getting Gaylord Fields on the phone; Tom pretends he's a cop wanting to arrest him for indecent exposure, then reveals himself as Doc Shock; he calls up Kelly; his prank runs out of steam, but he declares Kelly shocked anyway
2:34: Captain Jack heard he won an award; Tom says he's in the running for Worst Caller on the FriendsofTom.com message board; Captain Jack does everything in his power to take first place; eventually Tom can't take any more of Captain Jack and GOMPs him; Tom updates poll results
2:40: Tom wants to know your embarrassing stories, shares an embarrassing tale of his own about an aborted middle school food fight
2:47: Rutgers student tells story about walking into girlfriend's dorm room, only to see her roommate having sex; Tom "shocks" him
2:48: Ira tells an embarrassing payback story; Tom promos FriendsofTom.com some more, then is compelled to make more prank phone calls by his alter ego, Doc Shock; after a few calls go to voice mail, Tom "shocks" "Brian Scalabrine"; next prank is listener's choice!; caller suggests Ken, but he has kids, so Tom vetoes the choice; Brian suggests Andy Breckman, Tom thanks him by calling him a jerk; Tom tries to shock Bill Zebub and another DJ, but they're not home; by caller request, Tom "shocks" Todd Abramson; very loud outro

11.26.2002

Start: theme, music: Led Zeppelin, "Candy Store Rock", Electric Eel Shock, "Nothing", Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "Machine"; back announce
0:15: The Gorch [AE], thanks to a stolen phone card, is calling "all the people I wanna stick a chain to"; he's on his way to get Tom--very slowly, since he's on a Rascal; The Gorch tells Tom of all his recent adventures, which include his book tour, a public access show, a chain endorsement, and a marriage to a girl half his age, which has also produced a series of videos called Gorch Gone Wild (marketed to "senior troublemakers")
0:47: Tom promos The Best Show poll for Artist of the Year; executive call screener Matt comes into the studio to complain of rough treatment by tonight's callers and praise Officer Tom, in a blatant attempt to get a PBA card
0:54: music: Oneida, "Every Day Is a Child with Teeth"; back announce
1:03: Officer Tom is in studio for Officer Tom at the Movies; he and Tom review Jackass; Officer Tom explains the cop/firemen rift; Tom discusses the "hypnotic boredom" of The Sims; Officer Tom says he engaged in "verbal sparring" with an abusive Best Show caller; Tom wants to know when he can handle a gun, and shut down a meth lab or a chop shop during his ride around with Officer Tom; Officer Tom's wife (The Dark Overlord) emails in a few zingers; someone posts to the Friends of Tom message board pretending to be Tom; Officer Tom wants to enter a WFMU-sponsored car into a demolition derby, has an idea for a hybrid Jackass/Cops show
2:03: music: Sugarman 3, "Pure Cane", ESG, "You're No Good", The Piranhas, "I Am Machine/David", The Liars, "Grown Men Don't Fall in the River Just Like That", The Whiteouts, "Synapse Snap"; back announce, station announcements
2:27: Tom wants to talk to your pets, preferably your dogs, and drive them nuts!
2:29: Petey wants Tom to talk to his dog Belle, who will only respond to high-pitched squeals, but she doesn't seem to like Tom; Petey debuts his new character, Beano, while Tom snores
2:34: Terre T wants Tom to get her dog, Eggy, off of a chair; Tom calls to Eggy loudly and she goes nuts
2:36: prospective call screener Rob wants Tom to talk to his dog, Blade; Tom gets him to sit, but refuses to watch him while Rob goes out of town for Thanksgiving
2:38: Shawna has a hen, Frances, who needs to toughen up; an internet delay thwarts Tom's efforts
2:39: "Uncle Floyd" wants Tom to tell his cat, Tootsie, to "shake it, honey"; Tom is suspicious and hangs up on him
2:40: John Conte checks in; Tom plays hardball on his price for participating in the film of John's record-setting attempt; Tom is glad that John seems to have regained his drive and focus after several weeks of sad sackery
2:48: Suzanne is driving home with her dogs Owen and Chase; Tom tries to drive them nuts through the car radio, to no avail
2:51: Kelly has an older dog, Kyle, who responds to loud talking and ridiculously loud whistling, but does not respond to Tom's entreaties
2:53: Laurie's dog Luna does not respond to Tom, either, but emailer says their parakeets got excited by Tom's dog calls
2:55: Travis wants Tom to talk to his cat, Roshi, because she's upset he's leaving on a trip; Tom cheers her up
2:57: when no more pet callers call in, Tom "shocks" Pseu Braun
2:59: Tom tries to get a dog named Sailor to bark over the phone; when he's successful, he tells Sailor to attack his owner; outro

12.03.02

Start: theme, music: Elvis Costello, "Busy Bodies" (alternate version), Lynnfield Pioneers, "Yos to Go", Mooney Suzuki, "Half of My Heart", The Henchmen, "Shimmy Shake"; back announce
0:20: Peter wants to give a shout-out to his friend Megan, play a Blink 182 song for her; Tom teases him about school and his G-I-R-L-F-R-I-E-N-D status, briefly talks to his dad, and involves him in "shocking" Hova: Peter pretends he's a very rich man looking for a butler
0:32: Randall in Jersey City suggests a topic: failed cover versions; he plays his band's version of "Friday on My Mind"; Tom discusses The Medical Marijuana's transformation into a ELP/Yes-style prog rock band; Roger Dean is painting the cover for their demo; Tom declares Solaris the slowest-moving mainstream movie ever
0:43: Rich wants to play his cover version of Wu-Tang's "Bring the Pain", but gets cut off; Tom wants to pace The Best Show like Solaris; just remembering the movie starts to put him to sleep; email; update on Artist of the Year polling: Billy Joel has a convincing lead!
0:48: Rich calls back, but his "version" of Wu-Tang sounds suspiciously like the original; more email; who should Doc Shock shock tonight?
0:51: Hasu Kid checks in after being "disconnected from reality"; Tom proposes a Hasu-related disclaimer for Jackass
0:54: callers suggest targets for Doc Shock; Tom wants to shock Donna Summer but can't find his number
0:55: Matt from Montclair wants to shock "the guy from JM in the AM"; Tom declines, but they discuss The Screening Zone in Montclair
0:57: Randall in Jersey City calls back, gets hung up on when he says "the show's been fair tonight"
0:58: Tom "shocks" Mike Lupica
0:59: caller wants to shock Chris T or Alan Watts, who's no longer with us
1:00: caller wants to shock Ken Freedman, talks about the paper-thin walls at The Screening Zone in Montclair and many of the town's other fine attractions
1:02: Barry Dworkin from The Gas Station Dogs [JW] calls in to say he won his bet with Tom because his band played at Giant Stadium for a week (in the lobby, as part of "International Youth Culture Week"); The Gas Station Dogs' current makeup is slightly different than Barry's very specific demands, and he's made some frightening changes to his own image; Barry has proposed a "battle royale" tour with Neil Young, thanks to a long-standing beef he has with him [Best Show Gems, 11.01.10]
1:29: a caller purports to be Peter Tork; Tom hangs up on him, but he calls back several times; Barry proposes asking "Peter" a few Monkees questions to test him, then offers "Peter" a slot in The Gas Station Dogs; "Peter" (who's got a bit of an attitude) eventually admits he's Peter Tork's cousin
1:39: a few failed shock attempts; Bob wants to shock Ken, gets hung up on for toilet talk; an email survey of who should be shocked; Tom shocks Terre T
1:44: caller thinks Tom should shock Fabio, but Tom is afraid of getting yelled at
1:46: Bob wants to shock DJ Scribble, who taught him turntabling; Tom tries to shock Fabio and Joe Belock but gets voice mail in both cases
1:49: caller suggests X-Ray Burns, but Tom's afraid Glen Jones will send his "goons" after him
1:50: Bob calls back so they can shock DJ Scribble together, but Tom gets a busy signal
1:51: caller [JW] suggests shocking Don Imus and Howard Stern, is disappointed to find out that DJs don't pal around together
1:54: Tom shocks Joe Belock (though he recognizes Tom right away)
1:54: Kevin Purcey [AE] calls to tell Tom he's getting hitched, wants Tom at the wedding, "but what you really gotta come to is my bachelor party!" ("I'm gonna blow my paycheck on whippets, and we're gonna have a tweak-end!"); Tom declines to attend as politely as possible
2:03: Tom shocks Bronywyn
2:04: Bob calls back with alternate number for DJ Scribble, which does not work
2:07: music: The Monkees, "Do I Have to Do this All Over Again", Oneida, "Fantastic Morgue", Black Sabbath, "Fairies Wear Boots"; back announce
2:23: Dan Mackta calls to tell Tom he works with the real Peter Tork, will see about getting him on the show
2:26: tonight's Hot Topic: who in the history of time would you want to have dinner with?
2:26: Petey has yet another character, promotes a bad movie poll on his web site, wants Guy Pearce to play Buddha in the movie version (Tom would've gone with Dom Deluise); Petey would like to have dinner with the creator of Final Fantasy
2:32: a reenergized John Conte checks in; Tom believes he has regained the eye of the tiger, derides the piano playing technique (and repertoire) of Uncle Floyd
2:43: Captain Jack plays The Barnacle Blues Band's rendition of "Bungalow Bill", votes for Peter Tork for his dinner companion (or maybe Peter Tork's cousin); Tom hangs up when he can take no more
2:48: a few failed shock attempts
2:50: caller suggests the host of Reggae Schoolroom or Rex; Tom will consider the latter
2:51: caller suggests John Allen, will do the prank with Tom, but there's no answer; email; more failed shock attempts
2:56: Tom shocks Pseu again; another caller suggests shocking Kenny G
2:56: Petey's dad wants to have dinner with Jack LaLane, wants to give his album a spin
2:58: Tom shocks Kenny G; outro

12.10.2002

No show

12.17.2002

Start: Theme, music: Sugarman 3, "Bosco's Blues", Crimson Sweet, "Hello New York", Supercharge, "I'm a Hog for You"; back announce
0:16: the moment you've all been waiting for: The 2002 WFMU Artist of the Year! In fourth, The Vines; in third, The Hives; in second, Billy Joel, which means The White Stripes win! oh wait, there was a mistake--Billy Joel won after all! for the second year in a row! prepare for a three-hour tribute to Billy Joel!
0:21: music: Billy Joel, "Piano Man", "The Longest Time", back announce; Tom wants to hear your Billy Joel tributes and remembrances--this is your night, fans!
0:33: Kansas-obsessed Matt wants Tom to sing "Carry On My Wayward Son"; Tom hangs up on him for intruding on Billy Joel's night
0:34: Bill requests several "Billy Joel" songs that are actually White Stripes songs; Tom thinks he might have accidentally tipped the scales in Billy Joel's favor
0:35: music: Billy Joel, "Pressure"; Tom says the WFMU listeners have spoken!
0:42: Matthew in Brooklyn says Billy Joel's Long Island "tough guy" mystique is responsible for his popularity; Tom admits he's not the biggest Billy Joel fan, but will bow to the people's will; Matt wants to hear "Say Goodbye to Hollywood"
0:43: Robbie tells story of he and his mom meeting Billy Joel; Tom hangs up on him for toilet talk
0:46: young Heather talks about seeing Billy Joel in concert
0:48: Gabriel tells a story about denying a girl her dream to sit next to Billy Joel while he played a song
0:50: Matt says he comes from the same town as Nunnaly's Caroussel; Tom, hip to his game, asks him to just sing "Carry on My Wayward Son" and get it overwith; Tom accents his rendition with the keyboard hits from the chorus
0:52: Chris makes the case for Billy Joel as musical carpenter
0:53: Matt calls back to request "We Didn't Start the Fire", tries to sing Kansas yet again; Tom wishes Matt would be "a stranger!"
0:53: music: Billy Joel, "The Stranger"
0:59: Danny Phipps [JW], drummer for Glass Houses (America's best loved Billy Joel tribute band, as voted by people who frequent Turnstiles.com) updates Tom on his band's fortunes since they last spoke; since then, many other Billy Joel tribute bands have mysteriously disappeared, ever since Danny found a trio of scary fans, Big Roger, Monster, and Killer; Danny recalls several embarrassing interactions with his hero, has gotten surgery to look more like Liberty Devito (Billy Joel's drummer)
1:29: JT [JB] and Kenny Aronoff [MW] from Pink Houses, a John Cougar Mellencamp tribute band, call in to taunt Danny and sing a few choice Mellancamp tunes; Danny counters by playing the drum beat to "Only the Good Die Young"
1:55: music: Billy Joel, "Allentown", "A Matter of Trust", "Say Goodbye to Hollywood", "Big Shot", "We Didn't Start the Fire"
2:17: Richie shares Billy Joel's weird contract rider demands, turns out to be the Kansas Guy; Tom sings along with "Carry On My Wayward Son", then GOMPs him; call screener Matt apologizes to Tom, the listeners, and Billy Joel
2:20: Officer Tom thinks a hanging chad may have been responsible for Billy Joel's victory; Tom says if a recount proves he won, he'll have to do Billy Joel Tribute Night all over again; The Job is briefly discussed
2:25: John Conte calls in; Tom pumps him up for his impending world-record piano playing attempt with quotes from The Edge ("What one man can do another can do!"); John plays "New York State of Mind"
2:30: Heather calls back to share story about unintentionally using toilet talk at school while playing a Billy Joel song; Tom briefly contemplates setting her up with Petey, but thinks she might be too mature for him
2:33: Kevin Purcey [AE] reveals that most of what he's told Tom in the last few months was a lie; he's still living at home with his mom; he made everything up because really wanted to hang out with Tom; his conversation gets increasingly dark and twisted, and Tom pleads with him to get some help
2:52: music: Billy Joel, "Uptown Girl", "She's Right on Time"; outro; "Captain Jack"

12.24.2002

Start: theme, music: El Vez, "Feliz Navi-Nada", Elastica, "Gloria", The Damned, "There Ain't Sanity Clause", The Von Bondies, "Ain't No Chimney in the Big House"; back announce by Terre T, who's in the studio as Tom's "elf", programming the music for this Christmas Eve; Tom especially wants to hear from kids eagerly awaiting Santa's arrival (or their parents)
0:20: Larry from the Dakota wants to ban SUVs and thanks Tom for his SUV spectacular show, which Tom thinks was probably someone else's show
0:22: two-year-old Caleb wants to hear "Jingle Bells"; his call is about as adorable and incoherent as you think a two-year-old calling a radio station should sound like
0:25: Jane confuses Tom for Chris T (and Chris T for being Jewish), is sick of Christmas songs; Tom thinks she wants the Spirit of Christmas to die out in young children like Caleb
0:28: possibly drunk dinner party guests tell Tom what they want for Christmas; one guest, Heather, insists she's not drunk and attests to her karate skills; Tom GOMPs them all for being boring
0:31: Philly Boy Roy [JW] talks about his holiday traditions: singing Christmas carols on the Ben Franklin Bridge and reciting his version of "The Night Before Christmas", which features an extremely violent Mayor Rizzo as Santa, plus many other Philly luminaries; Roy also tries to set up a Christmas date with Terre T, even though he'll be hanging out with his family most of the day
0:55: call screener Matt, enjoying his night off, reports seeing John Conte in the midst of his record-breaking piano playing attempt at the Cornelia Street Cafe
1:03: Petey opens up a present from a friend on the air (a friend he neglected to get a present for), reports on his FOT message board "set ups"
1:10: Jason from London has to convince Tom he's really English by answering a few questions; Tom wants to know the cool new band in England, but Jason thinks WFMU listeners would have heard of them already; Jason shares Tom's disdain for the "mockney" Guy Ritchie; Tom tries to get Jason to fly to New Jersey by the end of the show, a la Phil Collins during Live Aid; Jason shares his American adventures and his opinion of the various seasons of Dr. Who
1:20: music: Sammy Davis Jr., "Jingle Bells",  Holly Golightly, "I Don't Hear You", The Greedies, "We Wish You a Merry Christmas", The Yobs, "Another Christmas", Los Straitjackets, "Here Comes Santa Claus", The Sonics, "Santa Claus" Augie Rios, "Donde Esta Santa Claus", The Alan Milman Sect, "Punk Rock Christmas", Sun Ra, "It's Christmas Time"; back announce by Terre T
1:46: Tom talks to John Conte, who's in the midst of his world record piano playing attempt; he's received some local news coverage; Tom threatens to come down to the Cornelia Street Cafe and lift his hands off the keyboard, thus disqualifying him
1:55: Mark thinks Tom should give a shoutout to the current record holder, Uncle Floyd; Tom disputes his holding of the record, thinks that once John Conte breaks the record, they should go mess up Uncle Floyd's place, Sopranos-style; Mark wants to bet Tom that John won't break the record, and insanely large amounts of money are discussed; Mark is scared of the Bratz dolls he purchased for his six-year-old daughter; Tom talks to Mark's wife about what else their daughter is getting for Christmas
2:02: Gord checks in as he prepares some cabbage rolls ("What are you, the Schmenge Brothers?"); Tom reminisces about an excellent/cheap Chinese restaurant in the T-Dot, wonders if they ran The Greatest American Hero in Canada, overdubbed; the Canadian Tony Soprano; who's the biggest jerk on the message board; Tom considers his trip to Canada one of the highlights of his 2002, along with seeing The Kid Stays in the Picture; Gord talks about The Fastest Runner, would like to discuss Bowling for Columbine with Officer Tom; Tom loves enthusiastic/abandoned fan sites
2:14: Chris in Carrol Gardens wants to know when the next batch of FOT cards are coming out, thinks people are confusing Chris T's show with The Best Show; Tom declares his love for all of Adaptation, not just the first half; Terre T previews her tribute to the late Joe Strummer, which may feature a special guest (Tom guesses it's Menachem Siegel)
2:21: Tom receives a collect call from Kevin Purcey [AE], who is now in county jail after a bender of petty vandalism and whippets; he hopes Tom can return his Christmas present and bail him out, which Tom refuses to do; Kevin plans to elope with a girl once he gets out of jail, so Tom says "It's casual" for him one last time
2:33: Peter calls in; Tom grills him on his love of Star Trek; he won't say what he got his mom for Christmas because she's in the room, so Tom demands to talk to her and tells her Peter got her a Jaguar; Tom wonders if she makes Peter pick out his own switch from the backyard when he's been bad
2:39: Captain Jack (aka "The Ghost of Christmas Boring") gets really belligerent with Tom and accidentally becomes entertaining for once, then reverts to sycophantic form
2:48: musical tribute to Joe Strummer: The Clash, "Tommy Gun", "1977", "Stay Free", "I Fought the Law"; back announce by Terre T; a special holiday outro in which Tom thanks everyone for making the show what it is ("so I guess, in a way, you're all to blame")
3:01: music: Grandaddy, "Alan Parsons in a Winter Wonderland"

12.31.2002

No show