Tony, I would like you come to my “Restoring Honor” rally in Washington. Albert Pujols will be a guest of honor and it would be great if you could introduce him.
Gee, I don’t know, Glenn. As a public figure, I have to be careful what I associate myself with. I usually shy away from politics.Don’t worry, Tony this is a completely apolitical event.Really? Sarah Palin is speaking at it.She’s not a politician anymore–she resigned the guberna…gubernavit….she’s not governor anymore, remember?And it’s taking place on the exact same date in the exact same place as Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech, and you said your goal for this event is to “reclaim the civil rights movement”.Civil rights aren’t a political issue, Tony–they’re a human issue. All American citizens should have the right to live and work the way they choose. That’s an issue that transcends politics, wouldn’t you agree?I suppose so.And so is the right to hoard gold for the impending cash-less economic system the radical socialists in the quote-unquote Democratic party plan to foist on America by the year 2013.That sounds kind of political.Oh, it’s definitely not. Because the Democrats insist on absolute separation of church and state, and the liberal fascists in the Obama administration are bent on removing religion from every imaginable public sphere. So if we believe in God, we ipso facto cannot be political, in their eyes! You believe in God, don’t you, Tony?
I’m not really religious, but I guess I believe in God.Good! You’ll need to pray to that god when the new world order tries to brand your babies with a UPC-type symbol so the one-world government can track them at all times.Why do you think that’s going to happen?/pulls out chalkboard with Rube Goldergian swirl of arrowsWow, that is convincing. But you swear this isn’t political.Not in the least. Though we may all grab pitchforks and march on the White House and attempt to overthrow the government by sheer force of will. Not sure; we’re gonna play it by ear. Sounds like a blast. Will there be vegetarian meal options offered at this event?Excuse me?Will there be vegetarian meal options? Because I’m a vegetarian.YOU’RE ONE OF THEM!
/ Body Snatchers-esque screech
Monthly Archives: August 2010
FOX News Denies Responsibility for Burglary
NEW YORK–FOX News chairman Roger Ailes denied that the network bore any responsibility for the burglary of the Ames, Iowa home of Frank Smith on Sunday. The denial came despite the fact that for the last two weeks, several FOX News hosts had wondered aloud if Smith’s house should be broken into.
“We are simply reporting the news,” Ailes told reporters. “The debate over whether or not to ransack Mr. Smith’s house is raging right now, and we would be remiss in our duties as journalists if we didn’t discuss this issue on our programs.”
Critics charge that FOX News is virtually the only network to treat the potential burglarizing of Mr. Smith’s house as a political issue. They also note that even fewer news organizations have given detailed instructions on how the house might be broken into.
For instance, the morning show Fox and Friends broadcast from outside Smith’s home, making note of exactly when he left for work and how long he’d be there. Glenn Beck sketched out a detailed schematic on his chalkboard, pinpointing the house’s major entry points and where some of the more valuable items could be located. Sean Hannity and guest Newt Gingrich discussed at length the shift schedules of the local police department, noting when law enforcement would be least equipped to respond to an emergency.
“Go back and look at the tapes,” a defensive Bill O’Reilly insisted. “Nobody on this network has ever said Smith’s house should be broken into. We’re just talking about what everyone else is talking about! Oh, by the way, he doesn’t lock his garage either. And sometimes he’ll leave the keys to his Civic in one of the drawers of his tool bench.”
Other news networks have been measured in their criticism. “On the one hand, FOX News clearly baited the public, then tried to act innocent,” said CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer. “You could even make a case that some of their on-air personalities could be charged as accessories to this crime. On the other hand, we have to pretend there’s another side to this issue for some reason.”
The incident is similar to one from 2005, when FOX News devoted a week of programming to giving out several thousand social security numbers, while debating exactly what could be done with them.
One Out of Five Americans…
Think President Obama is a Muslim- Don’t believe in the letter Q
- Suspect the U.S. Army faked the landing at Normandy
- Fear eating grapes can “turn ya queer”
- Pray to Jesus nightly to give them their own hoverboard
- Want Justin Bieber to be appointed Dictator for Life
- Ask their minister, every Sunday, if a fish can become born again
- Refuse to recognize the month of October
- Wish there were more items with badly drawn Calvins peeing on things they don’t like
- Actively fantasize about Herman Munster
- Participated in a protest against the author of Bloom County, for reasons they can’t remember
- Think it would be cool to be Swamp Thing for like, a day
- Have at least thought about punching a duck
- Once shoveled pudding in their mouths with a fork and felt really weird about it
- Can’t decide if David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest is an
ambitious but flawed attempt at constructing a sweeping nigh-Proustian
epic or a titanic achievement of modern literature that shall be
studied for centuries to come - Have eaten more than one battery
