Monthly Archives: December 2009

Seasonal Fare

Scratchbomb’s Best of the Media Decade

monsterinlaw.jpgBEST FILM: Monster in Law Completely changed the landscape of cinema. Destined to be endlessly copied and rehashed a la Citizen Kane, but I doubt we’ll see anyone come close to its artistry in our lifetimes.

Honorable mention: The Wicker Man Ultimately, I felt the honor of best film of the decade should be gifted to a completely original work, not a remake. However, what Neil LaBute and Nicolas Cage were able to do with the obscure cult classic almost defies words.
atj.jpgBEST TV SHOWS: According to Jim One of the few programs to span most of this decade, ATJ became like part of the family for all of us. It was there for all our highs and lows, our triumphs and tragedies. And like all great performers, it went out on top. Thanks again, for all the laughs and tears.

Honorable mention: The Jeff Dunham Show and Frank TV Both gone far too soon. Perhaps one day the public’s Philistine tastes will catch up with the pure genius of these men and their visions for the variety programs of the new millenium. Until then, I’ll just eagerly await their release on DVD, so I can savor each magic moment over and over again.

weiland_happy.jpgBEST ALBUM: Scott Weiland, “Happy” in Galoshes It reminds one of when Syd Barrett left Pink Floyd and poured his tortured soul into The Madcap Laughs. Finally given a chance to spread his wings and give full vent to his muse, Weiland truly delivered with tunes such as “Missing Cleveland”, “Killing Me Sweetly”, and his tour de force cover of David Bowie’s “Fame”. Pick up the two-disc deluxe edition to hear such rarities as “Sometimes Chicken Soup (Dig My Way to China to Find You)”–you shan’t be disappointed.

Honorable mention: Insane Clown Posse, The Wraith: Shangri-La ICP found a way to step up their game again, with a mind-blowing 180 into spiritually influenced music. Much like Bob Dylan’s “born again” albums, this did not please some of the band’s hardcore fans. But those who stuck with it were given a rare treat indeed.

stateoffear.jpgBEST NOVEL: Michael Crichton, State of Fear Millions of learned, trained scientists say that global warming is real. It took one brave millionaire novelist to prove that they were, in fact, lying to us all to further their own careers! Sadly, Mr. Crichton is in a better place now, free from evil academics, but hopefully we will one day be able to read fragments from his unfinished book exposing the Round Earth Conspiracy.

Honorable mention: Dan Brown I simply can’t pick a single book of his. He wields words as the master sculptor wields his chisel. Who else could pen such immortal lines as “Physicist Leonardo Vetra
smelled burning flesh, and he knew it was his own.”
50centrobertgreene.jpgBEST NON-FICTION/SELF-HELP BOOK: 50 Cent and Robert Greene, The 50th Law I didn’t think it would be possible for 50 Cent to top his line of urban novels, but then he teamed up with The 48 Laws of Power author Robert Greene for this life-changing tome. Only such a dynamic team could not only think up of two whole new laws for success, but also deliver them in the inimitable 50 Cent style.

Honorable mention: Glenn Beck, The Christmas Sweater Technically, this is a novel, or even a multimedia extravaganza. But it’s so much more than that. It’s a guide for your life, a tale that must be told not just at Christmas, but all year round!

drudge.jpgBEST WEBSITE: Drudge Report Fair, balanced, and sleekly designed, The Drudge Report is still the best place to hear all the latest poop. It first started dropping bombs during the Clinton years and it hasn’t changed since. And don’t you ever change, Matt!

Honorable mention: TMZ.com I hate all celebrities and believe they should be hounded until they either fly into violent rages or commit suicide. Kudos to Harvey Levin for making this dream a reality.

Seasonal Fare

Scratchbomb Remembers Those We Did Not Lose in 2009

As the year draws to a close, Scratchbomb pays tribute to all the icons who did not pass away in the past 12 months.

keef.jpgIn defiance of medical science, the laws of physics, and the sensibilities of all those with ascetically healthy lifestyles, Keith Richards remains among the living.

jessejames.jpgDespite an ad campaign that seemed to indicate the contrary, Jesse James is not a dead man.

margretthatcher.jpgI could have sworn Margaret Thatcher died, like, three years ago. Turns out she’s still alive. Sorry, Maggie!

cheney2.jpgDick Cheney is included here, though his case is kind of a gray area, as he belongs to the ranks of the bloodthirsty undead.

moschitta.jpgKnown to millions as the “fast talker” from dozens of commercials over the last 25 years, John Moschitta is not entertaining angels with the rapid-fire speech techniques that delighted millions, as he is still with us.

riptaylor.jpgRip Taylor: Still throwing confetti, still not dead. Way to go, Rip!

riptorn.jpgAlso still alive: Rip Torn. All in all, a good year for Rips!

madonna.jpgCan you imagine if Michael Jackson and Madonna had died in the same year? That’d be BANANAS! They didn’t, though.

belushi2.jpgThe existence of a just and loving god continued to be challenged by the fact that Jim Belushi is still alive and his brother John is still dead.

tuckermax.jpgAs of press time, no one has beaten Tucker Max to death.

Honorable mention: 6.8 billion other humans, give or take.

The Funny

Gallagher Smashes the Comedy Establishment

gallagher.jpgAs I stated in my Onion AV Club interview, I’m extremely bitter and disillusioned about the state of comedy these days. Like the world in general, the comedy world rewards mediocrity and shuns innovation. It’s as simple as that. Comedians pander to the audience in the most shameful ways, because today’s audience expects to be pandered to. The audience wants what it wants when it wants it, and no one is daring enough to give the audience what it might need.

/smashes watermelon with oversized wooden mallet

But really, this has been in the cards for a long time. Parents don’t discipline their kids anymore. People wear whatever they want to and behave how ever they feel like in public. Curse words aren’t shocking anymore because everyone uses them. How can we expect any art form to grow in an environment like this?

/crushes container of cottage cheese with sledgehammer

I also blame the cellular nature of the 21st century. You want to listen to music? Put on your iPod and shut out the rest of the world. Want to watch a movie? Stream it online. We have no communal experiences anymore. So now, when I do a show, people in the audience react like they’re sitting their living rooms, watching alone. They heckle and yell and hoot and holler, with absolutely no consideration for the people around them.

/whacks Snicker bars with a tennis racket

And the only things worse than the audiences are the comedians. No one has any sense of craft or timing anymore! But then again, how would they gain such knowledge? We have no vaudeville. We have no public support for the performing arts. A comedian–any artist, in fact–has to hit it big immediately or fail. People nowadays have neither the structure to support years-long apprenticeships, nor the patience to endure them even if they did exist.

/sues brother for copyright infringement

And the worst part is, I see no signs of this abating any time soon.

I weep for the death of the soul.

/rides enormous Big Wheel into trampoline couch