Continuing the fabled tradition begun all the way back in 2009, Scratchbomb presents Holiday Horrors and Holiday Triumphs: an advent calendar of some of the more hideous aspects of this most stressful time of year–with a few bits of awesomeness sprinkled in.
The internet is great because literally anyone can have their voice heard. The internet is also terrible because literally anyone can have their voice heard. People with terrible voices that should probably caged and studied, not exposed to the general public.
Speaking of which, do you know Fred Figglehorn? He’s a YouTube sensation. How do you become a YouTube sensation? Speed up your voice to a pitch that only eight-year-olds can tolerate. Then watch the cash roll in!
Yes, technically you don’t make any money off of YouTube videos. But you do earn a lot of attention when a million-plus people subscribe to your YouTube channel. And when you create a movie for Nickelodeon that pulls in near-High School Musical ratings, despite having no discernible plot or a main character who is bearable for more than five seconds at a time.
Why did Fred become so popular? Did I mention the sped-up voice? Good, because that’s pretty much it. Imagine a 15-year-old Demetri Martin sucking helium and pretending he was six. Then take whatever you’re imagining and shake it until it’s dizzy, and then microwave it. Now you’re getting close.
If you watch the Fred videos, you will see small kernels of ideas and creativity in them. Unfortunately, these ideas placed within a context that’s so grating, it’s not worth digging for them. It’s like trying to pull a mustard seed out of a tub full of lukewarm jello.
Perhaps it’s a generational thing, and there’s something about Fred that appeals to the zeitgeist of the emerging pre-teen generation. I’m guessing it’s either this or the fact that kids like garbage.
As annoying as he is, I actually feel sorry for Fred (real name: Lukas Cruikshank), because he is trapped by this fame, such as it is. I saw him on an episode of Tosh 2.0, ostensibly to promote his TV movie, and he professed to be thinking about retiring the Fred character, but said so with an almost haunted look on his face, as if he knew this would never be possible. His options are either fade into obscurity or continue to enjoy celebrity for being That Speedy-Voiced Freak. Sophie’s choice was harder, but not by much.
All this mishegoss and foofara is just preamble to tell you that Fred made a Christmas music video because, duh. It’s called “Christmas Is Creepy,” and points out that certain elements of the Yuletide might be considered disturbing if one thinks about them in a certain away. That’s the gist of it, anyway. I’m not 100 percent sure, because my ears filled with blood 30 seconds into the song.
So if you like ear-blood, Hannah Montana beats, and Macauley Culkin-esque mugging, this is the Christmas video for you. I will watch it again as soon as I get the lobotomy required to enjoy it. And in case you were worried about the future of our country, just know that as of this writing, “Christmas Is Creepy” has been viewed over 16 million times. U-S-A! U-S-A!