Mets General Manager Candidate Questionnaire

If you are reading this introduction, it means you’ve already passed our Brooklyn Dodgers trivia test with flying colors. Congratulations! You’re one step away from joining the New York Mets organization as our new general manger, and following in the footsteps of such luminaries as Steve Phillips, Al Harazin, and M. Donald Grant. Please answer the following open response questions to the best of your ability.

1.    You receive a call at 2am. It’s Oliver Perez. He’s being held hostage by a gang of international terrorists and desperately needs your help. How quickly would you fall asleep after hanging up the phone on him mid-sentence?

2.    Do you think people who commit domestic violence should be afforded a second chance? If so, do you also believe they deserve fourth and fifth chances?

3.    Cliff Lee is one of the best pitchers in baseball and easily the most prized free agent this offseason. Do you think fans would be okay with it if we acquired Dontrelle Willis?

4.    The Mets have been criticized for the rash of injuries that have befallen the team in the past two seasons, and not being able to keep its best players on the field. Can you think of any way this can be blamed on Carlos Beltran?

5.    Do you know anything about trying to sneak stuff into prison? Like, say, a shank? One that might be used on a former financial investor who screwed us eight ways from Sunday? Just wondering.

6.    Would you be willing to let Lenny Dykstra crash on your couch for a few weeks while he figures some stuff out?

7.    What quality player would you most like to acquire and force to play out of position?

8.    How would you describe your level of knowledge about Mets history–poor, middling, or disinterested?

9.    In response to fan outcry and these difficult economic times, we will be cutting ticket prices next season. Would you mind helping out by sweeping up after games?

10.   Many front offices now use at least some modern sabermetric assessments to influence their drafting, player development, and roster building. How would you help the Mets look like we might care about that crap?