STUDIO 60 ON ROOSEVELT AVENUE
EPISODE 11
WRITTEN COMPLETELY BY AARON SORKIN TOTALLY ALONE AND UNDER GREAT DURESS
RELIVE THE EXCITING INAUGURAL SEASON!
PILOT | EPISODE 2 | EPISODE 3 | EPISODE 4 |
EPISODE 5 | EPISODE 6 | EPISODE 7 | EPISODE 8
EPISODE 9 | EPISODE 10 | EPISODE 11
LOGLINE: Once the nation’s best and most respected baseball GM, Sandy Alderson has been reduced to trying to revive a moribund franchise in the depths of deepest, darkest Queens. Along with his sharp-witted and adoring protégés, he fights off the seemingly endless series of controversies and crises that beset him while trying to run a sports team in the country’s most bustling metropolis, and still look fantastic while doing it. Can the pressures of such an important job crush this singularly talented and gifted individual genius?
ACT I
The office. PAUL DEPODESTA and J.P. RICCIARDI are standing near a Xerox machine as it whirs away, crumpling up pieces of copy paper and shooting them, basketball style, into a large, overflowing recycling bin.
DEPODESTA
If you could be any tyrant in history, who would you be?
RICCIARDI
Define “tyrant.”
DEPODESTA
Autocratic giant ruling his land with an iron fist.
RICCIARDI
Why would I want to be that?
DEPODESTA
Imagine you had no choice. Which one would you pick that would be the least distasteful to you?
RICCIARDI
I guess…Louis XIV. Seems like you’d be pretty far removed from most of the horror, and you could wear powdered wigs. How about you?
DEPODESTA
Abraham Lincoln.
RICCIARDI
What?! Abraham Lincoln wasn’t a tyrant!
DEPODESTA
The South thought he was. That’s why Booth yelled “sic semper tyrannus!” just before he shot him.
RICCIARDI
That’s a loophole. I didn’t know I could pick Lincoln.
DEPODESTA
Shoulda come with me on that trip to Gettysburg.
MACKENZIE CARLIN walks in, looking annoyed.
CARLIN
What are you two doing? You’re supposed to be copying all the 40-man-roster salary info for today’s meeting.
DEPODESTA
We are. And while we do, we are having a very important discussion abut tyranny, while also playing recycling bin basketball.
RICCIARDI
And I’m winning, mostly because I didn’t call Abe Lincoln a tyrant.
CARLIN
[grabbing the overflowing recycling bin] Is somebody gonna clean this thing out?
RICCIARDI
Yes, I assume somebody will. Could you put it down? I’m trying to line up a three pointer.
CARLIN
[rooting through the trash] What is this?
RICCIARDI
It’s you looking through garbage, for some reason.
CARLIN
No, this.
CARLIN pulls out something from the trash. It looks like a card. She shows it to RICCIARDI and DEPODESTA, who immediately look intrigued.
Cut to DAVID EINHORN’s office. He’s sitting on the edge of his desk with a large square of grass-covered sod in each hand, weighing them carefully. He hears a knock at his door.
EINHORN
Come in, but this better be important. I’m trying to choose grass for my dog’s new putting green.
CARLIN, RICCIARDI, and DEPODESTA enter.
CARLIN
I thought you’d want to see this.
CARLIN hands EINHORN the card. He too is immediately intrigued.
Cut to SANDY ALDERSON’s office. He sits behind his desk, talking on the phone.
ALDERSON
Yes, of course the team would be interested in an exhibition against a team of Shaolin monks…You want it to count in the standings? I’d have to take that up with Mr. Selig, but … [a knock at the door] I’m sorry, I have to go, but we can discuss this later, Mr. Soros. [hangs up] Come in.
EINHORN, CARLIN, DEPODESTA and RICCIARDI enter en masse.
ALDERSON
I didn’t have an intervention scheduled until next week.
EINHORN
Can you explain this?
EINHORN hands over the card. ALDERSON scans it.
ALDERSON
I can explain it; must I?
EINHORN
You must.
ALDERSON
This is an invitation to a Hollywood premiere of the new “Moneyball” movie.
EINHORN
What was it doing in the recycling bin?
ALDERSON
Not very much, I would imagine.
EINHORN
I’m not in the mood for your word games, Sandy. Plus I don’t quite understand them. So just tell me how it got there.
ALDERSON
Fine. I threw it out because I’m simply not interested in seeing it.
EINHORN
That invitation also specifically asks you to bring along your entire front office.
ALDERSON
You saw the movie already, David. All of you did. Why would you want to see it again?
EINHORN
Becaise we haven’t seen it in Hollywood after walking down a red carpet surrounded by horrible people! And after taking part in endless shrimp buffets and receiving amazing gift bags! They’re bags full of gifts! God put those words together, Sandy! After all those crises you’ve put us through, Sandy, I think you owe it to us!
ALDERSON
The way I remember it, I’m the one who gets us out of crises.
EINHORN
Of course you would remember it that way. And this premiere comes at the same time the team is in California anyway, doing…wait, what does this team do again?
CARLIN
Baseball.
EINHORN
Doing baseball! You better let us go to this thing, Sandy, or so help me…
ALDERSON
Or so help you what?
EINHORN
I’m not sure. I’ve never had to finish the phrase before.
ALDERSON
Fine. We can go. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to do something called “work.” I’m sure you’ve heard of it?
Everyone leaves except CARLIN, who lingers in the doorway.
CARLIN
Sandy, is there some reason you don’t want to go to California?
ALDERSON
I don’t know, maybe I’ve just grown to love New York in the summer. The choking humidity, the fragrant wafts of dried urine…
CARLIN
Seriously, what’s the matter?
ALDERSON
Nothing we all can’t ignore for a bit longer. Now run along with your friends. And close the door behind you, please.
CARLIN, looking upset, reluctantly leaves. ALDERSON stares at the door to his office until she closes it, then opens a drawer in his desk. He does not seem to find what he’s looking for, and roots through it frantically, turning the drawer upside down and shaking it out. In frustration, he tosses the empty drawer across the office and buries his head in his hands.
ACT II
An airplane cabin. CARLIN, EINHORN, DEPODESTA, RICCIARDI, and ALDERSON all sit in close proximity to one another. All appear to be just fine—reading magazines, working on laptops, etc.—except for ALDERSON, who sits nervously twiddling his thumbs.
CAPTAIN [VOICE OVER]
Hello, this is your captain speaking. We are now cruising at an altitude of 50,000 feet. At our current rate of speed, we should arrive in Los Angeles by 1pm local time. I also want to tell all of you that I never learned how to read. God, that’s a big weight off my chest.
The cabin erupts into polite applause.
CARLIN
You look nervous, Sandy. What’s wrong?
ALDERSON
Nervous? Of course not. Why would I be nervous?
CARLIN
I don’t know why, that’s why I asked.
ALDERSON
I’m just annoyed because whoever’s behind me keeps kicking my seat. Excuse me…
ALDERSON turns around to see GRANT LINWOOD with his feet firmly implanted in the back of the seat in front of him.
LINWOOD
Sorry, Sandy. Didn’t realize it was you. I was hoping it was some old dowager or a guy with a monocle or something.
ALDERSON
Exactly what are you doing on this flight, Grant?
LINWOOD
Sitting, mostly. Occasionally going to the bathroom…
ALDERSON
I meant why are you on this flight, Grant?
LINWOOD
Heading out to LA to promote my new line of t-shirts called REVENJ. It’s like Affliction, but with a little more testosterone, you know?
ALDERSON
Aren’t you supposed to be traveling with the team?
LINWOOD
Between you and me, Sandy, I ain’t too crazy about the paninis they make on the charter flight.
ALDERSON
But you’re supposed to be playing in San Diego this weekend.
LINWOOD
Oh, no doubt, definitely gonna squeeze that in if I get a chance. [shakes an empty glass] Hey, waitress? Refill.
STEWARDESS swings by, barely containing herself.
STEWARDESS
Sir, for the tenth time, I’m not a waitress. I’m a stewardess.
LINWOOD
Is that, like, Spanish or something?
Cut to: The airport. ALDERSON and company head for the exit, trailing luggage behind them. They are intercepted by BILLY BEANE, who makes a beeline for ALDERSON and puts hs arm around him. ALDERSON recoils a bit at his touch.
BEANE
Sandy! I am so glad you made it!
ALDERSON
That makes one of us.
BEANE
You guys are gonna love the hotel we picked out. It’s had more celebrity deaths and freakouts than any other place in Hollywood.
RICCIARDI
Is this the place Harry Nilsson and John Lennon almost killed the Smothers Brothers?
BEANE
Yes! Only a well placed bass fiddle saved Tommy’s life. I am so excited you guys are here. I know you saw a rough cut of this movie a few months ago, but what you’re gonna see tomorrow is the real deal. This is the one that lays all the cards on the table.
ALDERSON
Even the weird one with all the rules on it?
BEANE
Oh, I love this guy!
BEANE hugs ALDERSON harder, which makes ALDERSON even more visibly uncomfortable.
Cut to: The hotel lobby. CARLIN, RICCIARDI, and DEPODESTA hang back while the rest of their party checks in.
CARLIN
Something is definitely up.
DEPODESTA
Something is always up with this team.
CARLIN
Something is up with Sandy. He acted really weird when Beane was in town, he didn’t want to come on this trip in the first place, and now he looks as comfortable as a fish on a bicycle.
RICCIARDI
You mean a non-circus-trained fish, right?
CARLIN
I’m serious. Something very weird is going on with him.
DEPODESTA
He and Beane have a history together, that’s all. It’s like being around an ex-girlfriend. Or so I would assume.
RICCIARDI
Do you have any reason to think something else is going on?
CARLIN
I…no, absolutely not.
DEPODESTA
Wow, that was convincing.
RICCIARDI
Yeah, while you’re out here in La-La Land, maybe you can go on some auditions, DeNiro.
EINHORN intercepts the trio.
EINHORN
The desk clerk confirmed it—we get gift bags in the rooms! I heard they’ve got a free sample of that new maple syrup that smells like AXE body spray!
Cut to: Hotel room. ALDERSON enters and dumps his luggage on the floor, exhausted. He walks over to set of drawers, on which sits a huge, Easter-like gift basket. It has a large note pinned to it. He removes and reads it: LET’S REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES – BILLY. ALDERSON crumples up the note and tosses it over his shoulder. He roots through the basket and pulls out a small bottle marked AXE-RUP. He opens it, takes a sniff, and looks horrified. There is a knock at the door.
ALDERSON
Come in.
CARLIN enters, somewhat sheepishly.
CARLIN
Are you okay, Sandy?
ALDERSON
Never better!
CARLIN
I don’t believe you.
ALDERSON
Well, we’ve all gotta not believe in something.
CARLIN
Sandy, please talk to me.
ALDERSON
I’ve been a bit on edge since I found out something was missing from my office. Something near and dear to me that is irreplaceable and would crush me if I ever lost it for good. Perhaps you know what I’m talking about?
CARLIN
I…no, I’m afraid I don’t.
ALDERSON
Then there’s not much left to talk about between us, is there?
CARLIN slowly inches closer until there is barely any space between them.
CARLIN
Well…have you been watching Breaking Bad?
ALDERSON
I’m DVRing the whole season so I can watch it all in one big marathon. It’s hard to stay away from spoilers but I feel it’s worth it.
A cavernous, uncomfortable silence until the scene fades out.
ACT III
The hotel lobby. EINHORN, DEPODESTA, and RICCIARDI are dressed in tuxedoes and waiting around impatiently.
EINHORN
Where the hell are Sandy and Mackenzie? The limo’s already here and it’s having a hell of a time trying to do a three-point turn in the parking lot.
CARLIN appears, dressed in a stunning, glittery floor-length gown, her hair in a glamorous up-do. The men’s jaws hit the floor.
EINHORN
Good lord! You’re a lady!
CARLIN
Thank you for noticing.
EINHORN
What are you wearing? You make Scarlett Johansson look like a pile of old rags.
CARLIN
Oh, I dunno, some Vera Something or Somebody Wang, not sure.
RICCIARDI
[whispering] Dibs.
DEPODESTA
[whispering] I thought you had a girlfriend.
RICCIARDI
[whispering] I don’t have a girlfriend that much.
EINHORN
Where’s Sandy?
CARLIN
He said he had to take care of some business first, and he’d take a cab and catch up.
EINHORN
Alright, that Cristal in the limo bar ain’t gonna chug itself.
Cut to: ALDERSON’s room. He’s sitting on the edge of his bed, looking ashen, almost incapable of moving.
Cut to: Fashion show. Jersey Shore types in sunglasses stomp down the catwalk wearing his Ed Hardy-esque REVENJ t-shirts. Of to the side, LINWOOD is being interviewed by a REPORTER.
LINWOOD
The whole point of my t-shirts is to present a mystery, but like, a mystery you can see, you know?
REPORTER
What went into the design?
LINWOOD
We got this guy from Ed Hardy super-wasted one night and made him sketch something on a napkin. We used his whole vision, even the bourbon stains. He begged us not to do it later and I think he mighta gotten fired, but whatever. Survival of the fittest, know what I’m saying? But this is high quality stuff, Tina. We use a special wool from Molokai sheep, which is on average three times more expensive than regular wool, so you know it’s good.
REPORTER
Are the t-shirts comfortable? Because your models seem to be scratching themselves a lot.
On the runway, the t-shirt models are indeed scratching themselves, and looking uncomfortably itchy.
LINWOOD
You gotta understand, these are models—they’re on the cutting edge! For all I know, they’re just having a reaction to some brand new designer drug. I remember when special K first came out, it used to turn your face purple. We’ll give ’em all some pacifiers or something, they’ll be fine.
Cut to: Red carpet premiere, with an adoring crowd held back velvet ropes and flashbulbs going off everywhere. BEANE greets EINHORN, CARLIN, DEPODESTA, and RICCIARDI as they stroll down the carpet.
BEANE
Hey, where’s Sandy?
CARLIN
On his way, or so I was told.
Cut to: The hotel. ALDERSON stands at the front desk.
ALDERSON
Excuse me, do you have a cinderblock I could borrow?
HOTEL CLERK
Certainly, sir.
HOTEL CLERK produces a very large cinderblock from under the counter.
ALDERSON
Thank you. You wouldn’t also, by any chance, happen to have a short chain and a lock, do you?
HOTEL CLERK produces short chain and combination lock from exact same spot.
HOTEL CLERK
May I ask what this is for, sir?
ALDERSON
I just want to elevate my TV slightly.
HOTEL CLERK
Of course, sir.
Cut to: Inside the movie theater. BEANE is standing in front of the screen and addressing the audience via microphone.
BEANE
There are so many people I want to thank me for making this film a reality. But there is one person who is responsible for me being here, in so many different ways. And that man is Sandy Alderson. Take a bow, Sandy.
The crowd applauds, but stops abruptly when a spotlight homes in on where ALDERSON should be sitting and finds it empty.
BEANE
Does anyone know where Sandy is? Someone check the bathrooms. But don’t actually go in the stalls, just wait outside. And at a discreet distance, so you don’t look weird.
Cut to: The hotel pool. ALDERSON stands on the diving board, holding the cinderblock, which is attached to him via chain. He takes a deep sigh and is about to jump off the board when a voice stop him.
VOICE [OFF CAMERA]
I say, old boy, that seems a tad extreme, don’t you think?
We now see an elegant continental couple, NIGEL, an older British gentleman, and DOMINIQUE, a French gamine type with Louise Brooks-style hair. Both are dressed in Jazz Age-type garb. They appear distant and hazy, almost like a vision.
NIGEL
There are so many better things you could be doing than plunging to your death, don’t you think, old boy?
ALDERSON
I’m not sure anymore…
NIGEL
And in all your clothes, too? One should never get wet while fully clothed, old sport. Unless you mean drinking a gin and tonic.
DOMINIQUE giggles girlishly and bats her eyes coquettishly at ALDERSON. Slowly, ALDERSON climbs down from the board.
NIGEL
That’s a good chap. I suppose introductions are in order. My name’s Nigel and this is Dominique.
DOMINIQUE
Enchanté.
NIGEL
Sorry about all that. French, don’t you know. Didn’t catch your name.
ALDERSON
Sandy.
NIGEL
I say, Sandy, we’re just about to set off up the coast for a weekend in Napa. Wine country. More of a gin man myself, but sadly, they don’t grow it on vine in this neck of the woods, so we make do with what we can. You wouldn’t care to join us?
ALDERSON
I don’t even know you.
NIGEL
I always say, old sport, a stranger is just a friend you haven’t gotten blind drunk with yet, eh what? Come, let us get you out of that heavy cinderblock and into a dry martini.
NIGEL puts his arm around ALDERSON. Slowly, reluctantly, he shuffles off with them.
CODA
Inside the movie theater. Loud operatic music plays as we get a slo-mo glimpse of the film reflecting back in the faces of the audience. Slowly the camera pans over to the empty seat, and CARLIN sitting next to it. A single tear runs down her cheek. Absently, she lets her arm rest in the spot where ALDERSON should be sitting.
Cut to: The Pacific Coast Highway. A classic convertible of some kind skirts up the road at a leisurely pace. NIGEL sits in the front seat, driving. ALDERSON sits in the backseat, DOMINIQUE sitting next to him.
NIGEL
So what is it you do, old sport?
ALDERSON
I’m the general manager of a baseball team.
NIGEL
Fascinating! So you train the chaps and get them ready to run out on the pitch? Leg before wicket and all that?
ALDERSON
No, I make trades, sign players, solve crises, that sort of thing. And how about you? What do you do?
NIGEL
What do I do? I’m doing it, old boy!
NIGEL lets out a short, shrill laugh. DOMINIQUE grabs ALDERSON’s hand and squeezes it tight.
TO BE CONTINUED…