Decrees for My All Encompassing Dictatorship, MLB Division

sterling.jpgThe Wife has our clock radio tuned to WCBS, which is the Yankees’ radio station. So naturally, their sports updates lead with Yankees news whenever possible. This also means they play tons of John Sterling audio.

John Sterling’s home run calls are the lamest ‘comedy’ bits you’ve ever heard, but they’re even worse when the Yankees hit two homers in a row. Because that’s when John Sterling belts out BACK TO BACK, N’ BELLY TO BELLY! Skin crawling.

If you ever think you might have eaten something poisonous and you need to induce vomiting, just think of that. You’ll be blowing chunks in no time.

The Yankees have hit back-to-back home runs in each of their last three games, an impressive feat. Except that the first thing I’ve heard when I woke up the last three mornings is that buffoon, A GROWN MAN, screaming this in my ear. How am I supposed to have a good day after that, I ask you?!

Under my benevolent regime, the Yankees shall not be allowed to hit
home runs by consecutive batters. If such an occasion arises where two
batters in a row hit balls out of the ballpark in fair territory, the
second shall count as a ground rule double.

This totally unfair burden on the Yankees’ ability to score will be imposed until such time as they fire John Sterling as their play-by-play man and exile him to some foreign nation. Preferably one where no one plays baseball, so that he may not sully their airwaves, either.

I have spoken.