STUDIO 60 ON ROOSEVELT AVENUE
EPISODE 9
WRITTEN COMPLETELY BY AARON SORKIN TOTALLY ALONE AND UNDER GREAT DURESS
RELIVE THE EXCITING INAUGURAL SEASON!
PILOT | EPISODE 2 | EPISODE 3 | EPISODE 4 |
EPISODE 5 | EPISODE 6 | EPISODE 7 | EPISODE 8

LOGLINE: Once the nation’s best and most respected baseball GM, Sandy Alderson has been reduced to trying to revive a moribund franchise in the depths of deepest, darkest Queens. Along with his sharp-witted and adoring protégés, he fights off the seemingly endless series of controversies and crises that beset him while trying to run a sports team in the country’s most bustling metropolis, and still look fantastic while doing it. Can the pressures of such an important job crush this singularly talented and gifted individual genius?

ACT I

FRED WILPON’s office. He’s sitting across the desk from RAY BARTOSZEK, a rotund, bald man of Eastern European extraction in a garish suit. They are laughing together when DAVID EINHORN walks past the open office door. He stops in his tracks and looks inside. The two men shoot each other strained glances. EINHORN stalks off, looking angry and almost tearful.

Cut to: SANDY ALDERSON’s office. He stands at his window, looking out on the field contemplatively as groundskeepers water it. EINHORN bursts in.

EINHORN
I’m being pushed out!

ALDERSON
Nice to see you, too.

EINHORN
Do you know that Wilpon’s in his office right now, talking to Ray Bartoszek?

ALDERSON
No, I didn’t know that, for despite all evidence to the contrary, I have not yet been granted omniscience.

EINHORN
Bartoszek was the guy Wilpon talked to about investing in the team before he chose me. Now he’s got him in his office and they’re laughing it up like a bunch of…laughing guys! Do you know what this means?

ALDERSON
Someone told a humorous anecdote?

EINHORN
It means I’m being pushed out! Wilpon wants another investor in this team!

ALDERSON
So? He’s not going to have majority control like you do.

EINHORN
I don’t have majority control! I don’t have any control! I just have exclusive negotiating rights with Wilpon. Except, I kinda forgot to negotiate anything. Officially, I don’t own anything yet, and Wilpon’s gonna sell it out right from underneath me!

ALDERSON
So you’ve been calling the shots for this team, making trades, taking us on team-building conferences, and you don’t even own the team yet?!

EINHORN
I was gonna take care of it, but my brother was in town for a few weeks, and then there was that day I had to pick up a chair I bought on Craigslist…I got a lot on my plate, okay! I need you to fix this, pronto!

ALDERSON
Why? You just told me you’re not officially in charge of anything. Why do I need to do what you say when I have so many other things to take care of? Just this morning I found out my second baseman will be featured on an upcoming episode of Hoarders.

EINHORN
Well…all the fun times we’ve had, for one thing.

ALDERSON
Like when you traded for the most expensive player in baseball behind my back, then filled him with enough drugs to kill Keith Richards.

EINHORN
Only some of those words are true! C’mon, I thought you loved solving crises!

ALDERSON
I don’t love it, I’m just incredibly good at it.

EINHORN
Sandy, please, I need your help. You’re the closest thing I have to a friend right now. Everyone else I know is either indicted or in mutual funds.

ALDERSON
That’s rough, mutual funds. [begins to walk EINHORN out the door] All I can tell you, David, is that a business partnership is like a relationship.

EINHORN
Because you pay for it with cash and hate each other?

ALDERSON
No, because every now and then you have to rekindle the spark. Why did you and Wilpon do business in the first place? Remember that, and you’ll find the way to get back in his good graces.

EINHORN
What if I can’t think of it?

ALDERSON
You can ask J.P., or Paul, or Carlin. They’re all top-notch assistants who can help you with your problem when they’re not managing the incredibly difficult job of keeping a ball club together.

EINHORN
And what if they can’t help me?

ALDERSON
Then maybe you and Wilpon shouldn’t have been together in the first place. David, I’m sorry, but I need to be alone right now.

ALDERSON gently pushes EINHORN out of his office and shuts the door. EINHORN looks worried as J.P. RICCIARDI and PAUL DEPODESTA walk by.

EINHORN
What’s with Sandy? He normally loves to solve problems like this.

RICCIARDI
He’s been a bit on edge lately. He gets like that every now and then.

DEPODESTA
Best to just wait it out. A genius mind like that needs a break from time to time.

Cut to inside ALDERSON’s office. He’s staring out the window again. From a nearby corner, an apparition of ALDERSON’S FATHER emerges, dressed in army fatigues and a GI helmet.

ALDERSON
I thought I told you to leave me alone.

FATHER
You never listened when I told you to get a haircut, ya damn hippie, so now I’m returning the favor. You know why I’m here, son–to berate you into relapse

ALDERSON
I’m not doing that.

FATHER
It’s right in your desk drawer. Why do you have it if you don’t plan on using it? You want to use it, you weakling!

ALDERSON clenches his eyes, grasps his temples and tries to massage the pain away. FATHER chuckles.

ACT II

EINHORN’s office. EINHORN paces the room while RICCIARDI, DEPODESTA, and MACKENZIE CARLIN sit on couch, packed in tightly.

EINHORN
We’ve got to think of something and think of it quick. Otherwise, we’re in big trouble.

RICCIARDI
Actually, we’ll be just fine. You’re in big trouble.

DEPODESTA
Yeah, why are we here?

EINHORN
Because despite our differences, you’ve come to respect me in the last few months and would hate to see me leave.

RICCIARDI
Not really.

DEPODESTA
Can’t say I would.

EINHORN
How about because Wilpon is crazier than outhouse rat and he’s liable to trade both of you for a bag of balls if I’m not here.

CARLIN
Why don’t you just talk to Wilpon and ask him where you stand?

EINHORN
Oh no, that’s now you settle this kind of thing. You’re supposed to come up with a plan that’s overly complicated and fraught with potential for misunderstandings, and then everyone gets jumbled up in the middle and laughs about it. Like that story, where the husband sells his watch to get a comb, and the wife sells her hair to buy a watch fob…

CARLIN
“Gift of the Magi”?

EINHORN
No, no, I think it was an episode of Saved by the Bell. God, I wish Sandy could pitch in on this. What the hell is he doing in that office?

Cut to: ALDERSON’s office. He is still standing by the window, his ghostly FATHER nearby.

FATHER
Have you had enough of my stern, icy disapproval yet?

ALDERSON
It takes a lot more than this to bring me down, you know that. And you’re not a very convincing vision. My real father wouldn’t tempt me like this. My real father was strong-willed taskmaster.

FATHER
Of course, but this withdrawal-induced hallucination of your father is a real jerkoff. And there’s only one way to make him go away.

ALDERSON
I’ve weathered worse. I can get through this.

FATHER
But can you get through another angry, disapproving father figure from your past?

A new ghost drifts into the scene: BILLY MARTIN, dressed in a white polyester early 80s-style A’s uniform, and clutching a tallboy in his right hand.

MARTIN
Hey Poindexter, chug this then drop and gimme 20!

ALDERSON
You can’t tell me what to do just because you were the first manager I ever dealt with, Billy.

MARTIN
The hell I can’t! I turned Mickey Mantle into an alcoholic and by god, I’m gonna drive you back into your own sick, twisted addiction, too!

Cut to: EINHORN’s office.

RICCIARDI
Go over this again, David: You want to make the Goodyear Blimp crash into the Empire State Building?

EINHORN
No, we’re going to produce a fake newscast that makes it look like that happened, and that I rescued all the survivors. That way, Wilpon thinks I’m a good guy and will want me back in the fold again.

DEPODESTA
I’m still confused about the part where Deepak Chopra gets involved. How does that happen?

EINHORN
Isn’t it obvious?! I thought you guys were geniuses!

RICCIARDI
Sandy’s the genius. We just bask in his reflective glory.

EINHORN
So shine some of that glory back on me, ya brainiacs!

Long pause, broken only by clock ticking.

CARLIN
You could dress up like Bartoszek, negotiate a deal with Wilpon, and sign the contract in your own name.

EINHORN
Yes! Now we’re getting down to brass crazy-tacks!

Cut to: ALDERSON’s office. He stands near his desk, grasping the handle of a desk drawer. His brow is dotted with sweat, while the ghosts of his FATHER and MARTIN float just over his shoulder.

FATHER
You’ll never make me happy! Especially now that I’m dead! You might as well give in to your temptations!

ALDERSON winces and opens the drawer.

MARTIN
C’mon, Sandy! Get this over with! I gotta get back to the afterlife to chug some Old Grandpa with Mick and Moose Skowron!

ALDERSON reaches in the drawer, pulls out a beaded seat cushion, and holds it close to his cheek. His FATHER and MARTIN laughs maniacally and disappear.

ACT III

EINHORN’s office. CARLIN gestures wildly to a piece of posterboard containing an insane amount of words, calculations, and doodles. EINHORN look excited while RICCIARDI and DEPODESTA are bored/annoyed out of their minds.

CARLIN
…thus causing a chain reaction that starts the fudge avalanche.

EINHORN
Excellent work, Mackenzie. Just one question: Would caramel work just as well as fudge?

CARLIN
No, and the reason why is the key to the whole plan. You see…

A loud crashing noise comes from outside the office. RICCIARDI bolts out of his seat and runs out of the office. DEPODESTA, EINHORN, and CARLIN follow shortly.

Cut to: ALDERSON’s office. He is laying on the floor, shivering and shaking in an almost seizure-like fashion, clutching six beaded seat covers to his chest. RICCIARDI bursts in, followed by the rest of the crew. He runs over to ALDERSON and holds his flailing head up off the floor.

RICCIARDI
Good god, I think he may have overdosed!

EINHORN
You can’t OD on a beaded seat cover.

RICCIARDI
That’s exactly the kind of prejudice that keeps this addiction in the shadows! He’s experiencing way too much back support. We’re going to need something uncomfortable to bring him back. The more awkward, the better.

CARLIN
I’ve got one of those horrible ergonomic “chairs” with no back in my cubicle.

RICCIARDI
Perfect!

Flash forward. ALDERSON is sitting on the couch in his office, a blanket around his shoulders, sipping a cup of tea.

ALDERSON
I’m sorry you had to see me like that. I thought I’d left this behind a long time ago. I guess even I can be wrong sometimes.

RICCIARDI
Why did you keep this from us? We could have helped you.

ALDERSON
I couldn’t stand the thought of being seen as weak. Me, Sandy Alderson, the greatest baseball mind of his or any generation, felled by by a lumbar support accessory. And the most deadly one, too. It all started in Oakland. The stress of the job was too much at times. Naturally, since this was California in the 80s, I turned to a seat cushion for escape. I’d kick it for a while, but somehow I’d always get sucked back in. Usually when confronted by these preternaturally realistic hallucinations of paternal figures from my past. My father, Billy Martin, Uncle Charlie from My Three Sons sometimes…

DEPODESTA
The first step to kicking this thing is admitting you have a problem. Good for you, Sandy.

ALDERSON
I think the first step might be to not do it, but I appreciate your condescending support.

CARLIN
If this was your soul-crushing secret, Sandy, I want you to know that you could have talked to me about it any time. I myself used to be addicted to duvet covers.

ALDERSON
Thank you, Mackenzie. I appreciate that. But this is not my soul-crushing secret.

CARLIN
Dammit! How long are they gonna drag this out?!

WILPON walks past the office and stops in the doorway.

WILPON
What’s going on in here?

ALDERSON
Not much, sir. Just me dealing with a crippling, life-crushing addiction and finally working through it with the help of my underlings.

WILPON
David, I must say I wouldn’t have expected to see you in here. I always figured you for a callous, uncaring man, but I see I was wrong. This definitely reminds me of why I got into business with you in the first place.

WILPON leaves.

EINHORN
No, wait, I didn’t help in the least! Come back, you old goat!

ALDERSON
I thought you wanted to get on Wilpon’s good side again.

EINHORN
Don’t tell me what I want! I know what I wanted and what I wanted was to…everybody just shut up.

Cut to: Press conference. An empty podium ringed by tons of reporters and photographers. Flash bulbs go off wildly when ALDERSON steps up to the podium.

ALDERSON
Thank you all very much for coming here. I know it’s the middle of the summer and many of you cut vacations short to cover this, so I will be brief. My name is Sandy Alderson and I…am a beaded seat cover-aholic. I’m hoping that by revealing this crippling, embarrassing addiction to the world, I can encourage people in less lofty positions to come forward and seek help. Are there any questions?

A long silence, until reporter TOMMY WORMWOOD begins a slow, insistent clap. His fellow reporters follow suit, until the room is filled with thunderous applause. ALDERSON humbly tries to wave away the adulation, unsuccessfully, until the scene fades out.

CODA

ALDERSON’s office. ALDERSON sits on the corner of his desk.

ALDERSON
Hi folks, this is TV’s Sandy Alderson. I play Sandy Alderson on the hit series Studio 60 on Roosevelt Avenue. You know, we have a lot of fun here on Studio 60, but there’s nothing funny about beaded seat cover addiction. The Better Business Bureau says that over 49 Americans were comforted into comas last year thanks to this deadly dependency. If you or someone you love has a problem with any sort of back support device, even those little pillow things they put on the bottoms of chairs, please seek help. Ask a friend, a pastor, a guidance counselor, a meter maid, or even a random stranger. It’s never too late to straighten out your life without straightening out your spine. Good night.

FIN