STUDIO 60 ON ROOSEVELT AVENUE
EPISODE 8
WRITTEN COMPLETELY BY AARON SORKIN TOTALLY ALONE AND UNDER GREAT DURESS
RELIVE THE EXCITING INAUGURAL SEASON!
PILOT | EPISODE 2 | EPISODE 3 | EPISODE 4 |
EPISODE 5 | EPISODE 6 | EPISODE 7

LOGLINE: Once the nation’s best and most respected baseball GM, Sandy Alderson has been reduced to trying to revive a moribund franchise in the depths of deepest, darkest Queens. Along with his sharp-witted and adoring protégés, he fights off the seemingly endless series of controversies and crises that beset him while trying to run a sports team in the country’s most bustling metropolis, and still look fantastic while doing it. Can the pressures of such an important job crush this singularly talented and gifted individual genius?

ACT I

The front office, late at night, a manic scene. Assistants scurrying left and right from one end of the office to the other, clutching papers, yelling on cell phones, scribbling on dry erase boards. Caption: 48 HOURS TO DEADLINE. The camera pans through this chaotic scene, circling around random figures, for at least five minutes before proceeding into SANDY ALDERSON’s office. His assistants J.P. RICCIARDI and PAUL DEPODESTA are sitting on a large couch, each huddled over laptops with cell phones clenched in their shoulders. MACKENZIE CARLIN stalks the room, moving index cards around on a cork board and reviewing printouts. ALDERSON stands in the middle of them all, fielding every query calmly but firmly. The only person who looks nervous is DAVID EINHORN, who sits in an office chair and grabs on to a glass of scotch for dear life.

CARLIN
[handing over some papers] These trade proposals just came in.

ALDERSON
[scans each page and hands them back one by one] Pull the trigger, pull the trigger, hold your fire, keep the safety on, squeeze the trigger halfway and see if they flinch.

DEPODESTA
The Dodgers are on the phone. They want to know if they can have a second baseman on credit.

ALDERSON
Tell McCourt he needs someone with a decent credit score to cosign the loan. And make sure it’s not a psychic.

RICCIARDI
The office is getting antsy because we’re running out of food.

ALDERSON
Call up the kitchen and order up another 72 pizzas, 15 pounds of lo mein, and a small vat of Red Bull. And just a green salad for me. No radishes.

EINHORN
Jeez, Sandy. This trade deadline stuff is insane. I used to work on Wall Street, but this makes the stock market floor look like Girl Scout jamboree.

ALDERSON
Of course it does. You traders were just creating the financial future of our nation; we’re building a ball club here. Also, Girl Scouts don’t go on jamborees.

CARLIN
Yes they do.

ALDERSON
J.P., find out if Girl Scouts go on jamborees.

RICCIARDI
I’m on it.

EINHORN
Any of this balancing act going toward getting rid of our closer? Your predecessor gave him a contract option with an irrevocable 12-year extension and double-super no-trade clause that vests if he reaches 75 innings pitched. If that’s activated, we can say goodbye to resigning Grant Linwood, or anyone else for the next decade.

ALDERSON
No, David I was not aware of that because I’ve been living under a rock since I took this job, and I’m also blind, and I can’t read any of the newspapers who’ve been talking about it every day since spring training, and also I was born yesterday on the back of a turnip truck.

EINHORN
Alright, you’ve got the snark covered. How about some leads for a trade?

ALDERSON
We’re doing everything we can. The only thing that won’t help is worrying about it. My experience tells me these kinds of things tend to work themselves out. My mother always said, “For every old sock, there’s a shoe.”

EINHORN
That’s great. We’re on the brink of financial collapse and your solution is downhome folksy wisdom from your mother.

ALDERSON
Not a solution, David. Just a coping mechanism.

EINHORN
Until you can come up with more than that, I’m gonna have to tell our manager to keep the closer out of games.

ALDERSON
That would be a great way to sic the players’ union on us. We can’t keep him on the bench if we ever want to sign another free agent again. We have to just keep calm and carry on.

CARLIN
[handing over paper] The Yankees want our top prospect in exchange for an autographed picture of Kevin Maas.

ALDERSON
[handing it back] Hold out for half off the truffle fries at NYY Steak.

EINHORN
Ugh, too much talking and thinking in here. I need some air.

EINHORN abandons his chair and his drink and leaves the office, entering the even more chaotic venue outside. He narrowly dodges assistants zipping all over the place and yelling at each other, until he bumps into a confused looking GRANT LINWOOD.

EINHORN
Grant? What are you doing up here?

LINWOOD
It started as a quest for more sunflower seeds, and somehow I found my way into this office. I just picked up a random phone and I think I may have accidentally traded for a few Houston Astros prospects.

EINHORN
Impossible; the Astros have no prospects. But I’m glad I ran into you, Grant. I think I’ve thought of a way we can help each other out.

LINWOOD
I’m all ears, as long as it don’t involve getting naked or moving furniture.

EINHORN
I wouldn’t dream of making my number one star move furniture!

EINHORN puts his arm around LINWOOD and they walk off.

ACT II

The stadium. The stands are packed, with a roaring crowd cheering on the home team. The closer, JOSE WANAMAKER, stands on the mound staring in at the catcher over his glove.

ANNOUNCER (VOICE OVER)
This is it, folks. Two outs, ninth inning, full count, bases loaded, and the good guys sporting a three-run lead. Wanamaker has struggled here, giving up a double and walking two men, but he needs just one more strike to seal the deal. The fans are cheering him on with a spirited chant of “You can do it, Wanamaker, we know you’re a good pitcher!” If he can get this last out, not only does he earn the save, but he also completes 75 innings pitched on the year, which means his highly onerous contract option would automatically kick in. But these fans don’t care about contracts and incentive clauses right now; they just want a victory against a out-of-division team in mid-July. Let’s see if they can get it! Here’s the pitch!

WANAMAKER throws. The batter swings and hits a high pop up toward LINWOOD at shortstop.

ANNOUNCER (VOICE OVER)
This oughta do it! Linwood is camped out underneath it…

LINWOOD moves his glove out of the way at the last second. The crowd gasps and groans.

ANNOUNCER (VOICE OVER)
And Linwood drops it! I don’t know how on earth he could’ve missed that, but he did! One run scores, two runs score….Linwood picks up the ball to try and cut down the tying run at the plate…no, wait, he’s actually eating the ball! And the game is tied! Holy cow! In all my years broadcasting major league baseball, that is only the fifth time I’ve seen a player eat a ball on the field!

The MANAGER emerges from the dugout. The whole team gathers at the mound. WANAMAKER is enraged and wild-eyed.

ANNOUNCER (VOICE OVER)
Now the skipper is heading to the mound, and it looks like we’re gonna get a pitching change. So Wanamaker’s extremely punitive option will have to vest another day.

MANAGER
Gimme the ball, kid. You’re done.

WANAMAKER
Like hell I am!

WANAMAKER grabs LINWOOD around the throat, then pulls a gun from waistband and holds it against LINWOOD’s head. The whole team backs away from him.

MANAGER
Wanamaker, I thought we agreed no guns the field!

WANAMAKER
You did that on purpose, you rat! Einhorn put you up to this so he didn’t have to pay me!

LINWOOD
Put me up to it? No! He just gave me a couple of grand to mess things up, that’s all.

WANAMAKER
I’m finishing this game or so help me, Linwood gets a ventilated skull!

LINWOOD
C’mon, man! I need my skull to hold up my hair!

CUT TO: ALDERSON’s office again. It has now been taken over by policemen, who are zipping back and forth much like the assistants did earlier. RICCIARDI, DEPODESTA, and CARLIN remain exactly where they were before, attending to baseball matters as if nothing else is going on. The POLICE CHIEF, a barrel-chested man with a thick mustache, unrolls a map of the stadium on ALDERSON’s desk. EINHORN paces nervously back and forth.

POLICE CHIEF
Are there any secret entrance points, places where we could get the drop on him?

ALDERSON
Afraid not. Wanamaker knows every nook and cranny of the place. He likes to come to the mound from a new entrance from every appearance. He says it’s his tribute to Lightning Bolt.

POLICE CHIEF
In that case, we have no choice but the bulldoze the whole stadium.

ALDERSON
I think you do have a choice.

POLICE CHIEF
Can you think of a better way to take out the target while also endangering the lives of thousands of fans?

ALDERSON
Bulldozing the entire stadium sounds a tad extreme.

POLICE CHIEF
Extreme, yes, but also crazy and ineffective.

ALDERSON
I figured “but” would be followed by something that helped your case.

POLICE CHIEF
Nope, that’s all I got. Look, it’s already too late for me to bring this bulldozer back to Home Depot and get a refund on my deposit. If I don’t use it, that’s just money down the toity!

EINHORN
Oh no, nobody’s bulldozing this stadium. I’ve got 30 something payments left on this place and I just put up new drapes!

ALDERSON
What if I go out on the field and try to reason with him? Just give me 10 minutes, okay?

POLICE CHIEF
[shrugs] It’s your funeral. Actually, it’ll be Linwood’s funeral if you fail, I guess. Or some innocent bystanders who could be collateral damage if he decides to start shooting. My point is, you will probably cause someone to die. But sure, go ahead.

ACT III

The stadium. A sizable crowd is still on hand, though the teams cower in the dugouts. WANAMAKER is still clutching LINWOOD around the neck, holding a gun to his head.

WANAMAKER
Just gimme the ball! I earned this option, god dammit! Don’t make me do this!

LINWOOD
Listen, man, if this doesn’t work out and it’s my time to go, I just want you to know something: I always thought you smelled weird. Not bad, just weird. I don’t know what it is. Like a basement filled with ramen or something.

ALDERSON pops up from the home dugout with a bullhorn, and addresses WANAMAKER through it from home plate.

ALDERSON
Jose, let’s talk this out! You don’t want to do this!

WANAMAKER
You don’t know what I want! Just like you and Einhorn didn’t want me to get my option! So you sent your stooge to do your dirty work! Well, Curly here is gonna get “Moe” holes in his head unless you “Larry” up the ball, capisce?

ALDERSON
Please, Jose, have mercy on that metaphor; it can’t take much more stretching. Believe me, I know what you’re going through.

WANAMAKER
You’re lying! How could the cool, calm, lion-like GM possibly have experienced pain like this?!

ALDERSON gets a faraway look in his eye.

ALDERSON
Trust me, I know.

FLASHBACK: We see a young ALDERSON laying down in a barracks bunk, thumbing through a copy of Sporting News. Jimi Hendrix’s “All Along the Watchtower” plays in the background. Caption: DA NANG, 1973. Just as ALDERSON unfurls a centerfold of Tom Seaver, a PRIVATE runs in.

PRIVATE
Lieutenant, sir, you’ve gotta come quick! Dannon’s gone section 8! He’s gonna frag the sergeant!

ALDERSON leaps out of his bunk and runs outside.

Cut to: ALDERSON facing off against DANNON, a manic looking private who’s holding a SERGEANT by the scruff of his neck, holding a huge, machete-like knife to his throat.

DANNON
I’ve had enough, man! I’m gonna do it, man! He told me to shave my beard for the last time, man!

SERGEANT
I just don’t think that beard looks good on you!

ALDERSON
Dannon, you got your whole life ahead of you. Remember, you told me you wanted to go back home when all this madness is over and open a Snoopy snow cone machine dealership? Do you really want to throw that dream away over a beard?

DANNON
Well, I am pretty crazy right now, what with all the death and destruction my young eyes have absorbed. But when you put it that way in your commanding, asured, almost paternal voice, it does sound ridiculous, doesn’t it? Thank you, lieutenant. You’ve opened my eyes! I’m gonna turn over a new leaf!

DANNON lets go the SERGEANT, but in so doing, lets him fall right on the machete. SERGEANT collapses to the ground, dead.

DANNON
Dammit. I’m in for some serious latrine duty aren’t I?

Flash forward. ALDERSON’s office. CARLIN and DEPODESTA are looking out on the field, while RICCIARDI remains on the phone, intently working.

CARLIN
So that’s his big trauma! Finally!

DEPODESTA
C’mon, that can’t be it.

CARLIN
Oh, like you know his deep, dark secret.

DEPODESTA
I know we’re not gonna learn about it in episode eight.

RICCIARDI
Quiet, you guys. I got something brewing, and there’s only 5 minutes left before the trade deadline!

Cut to: The field. ALDERSON and WANAMAKER are still in a standoff.

ALDERSON
Well, Jose…I’m kind of running out of things that might convince you to give up your mad quest, or even to talk about at this point…Have you ever seen that show Modern Family?

WANAMAKER
Don’t try to change the subject, Sandy! Either you give me the ball or Linwood is toast! And yes, I have seen that show and frankly I don’t understand the critical acclaim!

ALDERSON
Really?

WANAMAKER
Yes! It definitely has its moments but I think the praise is far out of proportion to its actual quality!

ALDERSON
No, I meant about your demands. I know what Einhorn and Linwood did to you feels like a betrayal and you don’t think you can play for us anymore. What if we could find you a home somewhere else? Would that work?

WANAMAKER
You can’t tell the kids I’ve gone to live on a farm upstate while you give me away to a shelter! I’m not a litter of kittens, or Oliver Perez!

ALDERSON
Jose, we may have our differences, but no one would ever call you such an ugly name.

WANAMAKER
How could you possibly find another home for me? Who could want me?! Just look at this contract! I’m ugly!

ALDERSON
Don’t say that!

WANAMAKER
It’s true! My contract is ugly and fat a stupid and I hate it! Nothing you can say will possibly change my mind! Not even someone running out onto the field and giving us some sudden news.

RICCIARDI runs on the field and hands ALDERSON a piece of paper.

ALDERSON
Jose, how do you feel about going to Milwaukee?

WANAMAKER
Really? Sure, sign me up. I’ve always wanted to visit the Lenny and Squiggy Home Historical Site.

WANAMAKER lets LINWOOD go and walks off the field.

LINWOOD
Yeah, you better run!

Once WANAMAKER is in the dugout, the remaining crowd stands and applauds en masse for ALDERSON. Both teams emerge from their dugouts to hoist him on their shoulders. Slow, sad cello music plays.

ANNOUNCER (VOICE OVER)
Well this is stunning, folks. The crowd and all the players are paying tribute to Sandy Alderson for ending this hostage situation. I’ve also been told the umpires have officially declared this a forfeit by the home team, which means the opposition will win 12-1, but that seems a small price to pay to celebrate the genius and courage of this brave, brave man. We’ll be right back with full coverage of this loving homage to one of the truly great human beings alive today.

The players continue to parade ALDERSON on their shoulders to huge applause as the scene fades out.

CODA

ALDERSON’s office. ALDERSON and EINHORN enter, both looking massively relieved.

EINHORN
I don’t know how you magnificent bastards did it, but you saved my bacon.

RICCIARDI
It was easy. First, I thought of what Sandy would do. Once I did that, I figured out, in order to find a trade partner for Wanamaker, he would look for a win-now team, someone who had nothing to lose.

EINHORN
I used to live in Milwaukee, and I can definitely say they’ve got nothing to lose there.

ALDERSON
I couldn’t have done it better myself, you guys. By the way, that flashback was not my big trauma.

DEPODESTA
Told you.

CARLIN rolls her eyes.

Cut to: WANAMAKER, suitcase in hand, walks into the office of MARK ATTANASIO, GM of the Brewers. The room is dark, curtains drawn, dark candles lit, ominous portraits of sausages hanging from the walls. ATTANASIO has his back to WANAMAKER, sitting in an enormous, gargoyle-topped throne.

ATTANASIO
Ah, Mr. Wanamaker is it? Welcome to the Brewers. I trust your trip was…pleasant? Excellent. I suppose you’re wondering why I’ve summoned you here. Why I’ve taken on a contract no one else would touch with a ten-foot pole.

ATTANASIO turns around in his chair. He has one metal fist and one robotic red eye.

ATTANASIO
We’re going all in this year because the world is ending next year, my dear boy. Would you care to join us on our trip to oblivion?

WANAMAKER
Sure, as long as it’s on one of those planes with the in-seat TV.

ATTANASIO
I assure you, you shall have a front row seat for the greatest show in history! And also, HBO.

WANAMAKER
Sweet.

ATTANASIO
Sweet? It’s going to be positively…decadent.

ATTANASIO laughs maniacally as the scene fades out.

FIN