TAMPA–Pitchers and catchers have reported to the Yankees’ spring training facility, an annual tradition known affectionately as Hell Week. Prospects and new acquisitions alike report bright and early to endure the humiliation necessary to join America’s most storied franchise.
“Drop and gimme 50, pussy!” growled manager Joe Girardi as he caught sight of new Yankee Curtis Granderson. The outfielder did as he was told, while also downing a Jagermeister shot after each rep.
“This team isn’t just about partying, okay?” Girardi told reporters as he popped the collar to his brand new Ed Hardy-designed uniform. “It’s about leadership, brotherhood, dedication. And I won’t have a buncha homos messing all that shit up.”
Girardi then instructed young catcher Jesus Montero to finish off a bottle of Goldschlager, followed by three laps around the diamond while balancing a rake on his head.
“That’s what makes the Yankees so great, traditions like this,” said team captain Derek Jeter. “I remember when I came up in 1996, Cecil Fielder told me I had to eat an entire package of hot dog rolls and chug a six-pack of Bud in five minutes or else clean his toilet with my tongue. I, um, I could only get down seven rolls.”
“Winning is a habit, losing is a disease,” said Girardi, as he gave a wedgie to beat reporter Tyler Kepner. “How do you vaccinate yourself against losing? By WINNING. That’s why I changed my number. It used to be 27, but we won our 27th championship last year. So now I’m number 347. Because that’s how many World Series trophies we’re gonna win. This year.
“And anyone who says that’s impossible, I say you better shut yer dick-suckin fairy holes and MAKE IT HAPPEN. Because I create winners here, not gay-queers.”
The Hell Week tradition has been in place since spring training of 1956, when Mickey Mantle, Whitey Ford, and Billy Martin forced all newcomers to drink their weight in Old Smuggler. But it has come under fire in recent years, particularly in 2004, when a hazing ritual rendered new Yankee Alex Rodriguez blind for much of the season and subsequent playoffs.