Church Leader Appreciates Timing of Rapture

rapture.jpgBAKERSFIELD, CA–The controversial minister of an evangelical church, who predicts The Rapture will occur this year, says this celestial event “couldn’t have come at a better time.”

“Our world has earned its own destruction by turning its back on our lord and savior,” said Rev. Jebediah Montrose, leader Eternal Life Forever Ministries. “And I also appreciate the Almighty bringing about this destruction when I’ve just begun to realize my own mortality.”

Using a unique interpretation of Biblical prophecy, Rev. Montrose determined that on September 19, 2011, the righteous will ascend to heaven while sinners will remain on Earth. “Which, as it turns out, is the exact point at which my own earthly life would reach its apex, after which my body and mind would begin their steady decline towards death.”

The reverend said he first began to suspect the world would end soon “when I noticed my bald spot had grown to such Leviathan proportions that it required a comb over. Who would want to live in such world. Oh, and the sin. All the sin, too.”

“God has condemned us for our wicked ways,” he said. “The day will come when all sinners will weep and gnash their teeth, knowing their blasphemy has condemned them to eternal damnation. The day will also come when I’ll be doddering around like an old man, unable to control my bodily functions, and praying for the sweet release of death. But thank the Lord He has chosen to end this wicked world before that day comes!”

Montrose said he determined The Rapture would begin on such a specific date “once I figured out how many good years I really have left, and saw there wouldn’t be many. I studied the prophecies of Ezekiel and The Book of Revelation, and calculated that if Armageddon didn’t begin soon, I might not be around to see it. I don’t think God would allow such insanity.”

The reverend’s predictions have spurred widespread condemnation, even among fellow evangelicals. “That this man would proclaim God has ordained a specific time for the end of the world is extremely upsetting,” said Leroy Jenkins, president of Praiseways Baptist Ministries. “Especially since I’d like to think I have a good decade left in me, at least. I believe I have a special relationship with God, earned through service and prayer, and He has assured me that this world shall not end at least until I purchase my first boat.”

Jenkins pointed out that Montrose had previously predicted The Rapture would occur during 1995. “I fully admit my error,” Montrose responded. “My calculations were incorrect and not thoroughly checked. And also, I was going through some stuff at the time, and I thought ascending into heaven would’ve really taken care of a few things.”

“God does not bow to our earthly dictates. He shall act in the hour and the manner of his choosing. But I am truly grateful He has chosen to act at the most convenient possible time for me.”