Brit Hume Forgives You For Following a Stupid Religion

brithume.jpgI’ve heard that Tiger Woods is a Buddhist. Perhaps if he converted to Christianity, he could find the redemption he so desperately needs.

You see, Buddhism can not offer forgiveness for one’s sins because Buddhists do not believe in sin. Only Christianity can offer Woods the condemnation of a vengeful god which requires penance. A true state of grace can only be achieved after going through the heavenly gifts of guilt and misery.

I was once like Tiger, minus the billions of dollars and legions of eager groupies. Then I gave my life over to Christ, and became the joyous, love-filled man you see before you today.

I want to make this clear: Tiger is free to practice whatever religion he so chooses. That’s one of the many wonderful rights we enjoy as Americans. I simply believe he should consider changing that religion if he doesn’t want to burn for all eternity in the unquenchable fires of Hell.

Tiger’s wife and children may be disappointed with him, but he needs to get on his hands and knees and beg forgiveness from Jesus Christ, because that’s who he has truly wronged. You see, a man does not truly own his ding-dong. He simply borrows it from The Lord. And when you do terrible things with that ding-dong, Jesus is unhappy.

Think of your male organ as a rental car. It should be returned to its maker in the same condition as when it was given to you, with a full tank of gas.

As for those of you with lady parts, The Lord does not want you to think about them in any way, shape, or form.

I also read somewhere that Buddhists don’t believe in shoes, which just seems weird to me. Then again, Tiger usually wears cleats on the links, so obviously it’s a religion with some wiggle room.

Ultimately, this is a journey that only Tiger can make. However, the greatest gift Jesus gave us was the power of forgiveness. So no matter where that journey takes Tiger, as a Christian I forgive him for his transgressions, and for following a dumb religion that makes no sense and is wrong.