Brian, I wanted to call you and clear the air about those book excerpts that have been leaked. The co-writer and I, we employed a literary device called The Third Person. So you see, that’s not me talking in those excerpts; it’s Joe Torre.

But you are Joe Torre.

No, I’m me. Unless I’m someone other than me, in which case I would be you.

Those are just pronouns, Joe. It doesn’t change the fact that you wrote some pretty awful things in your book.

No, Tom Verducci explained this to me. He’s a writer and he knows all about this kinda stuff. I didn’t write those horrible things, Joe Torre did. Me, I’m just a palooka from Brooklyn who wanted to be a big league manager some day. I’m a good egg, see? But that Joe Torre fella, he’s a real dick. Between you and me, I wouldn’t trust the guy farther than I could throw him.

So this quote here where it says, “Joe didn’t think Brian Cashman was
smart enough to lead a flea circus.” You didn’t write that?

No. As you can clearly see, Joe wrote that.

And you didn’t write this, either? “Joe begged Brian Cashman not to let
Andy Pettite leave as a free agent after the 2003 season, but Cashman
told him ‘We don’t need that Jesus-freak goober on our team’. He then
proceeded to spit on pictures of the Pope, Mother Theresa, and Billy
Graham.”

Yup, that’s Joe Torre all over.

And this other quote that says, “Joe cringed whenever Brian Cashman
showed up in the locker room. Because most often, Cashman would do so
while drunk, wearing nothing but a feather boa, a Speedo, and smile.”

Only Joe would tell a hateful, malicious lie like that.

So if I just refer to myself in the third person, I can say whatever insane, disgusting lies I want?

Oh no, you couldn’t. But Brian Cashman could.

Good, because you’ve inspired me to write by own biography. And the
first line will read, “Brian Cashman hopes Joe Torre chokes on a Dodger
Dog and falls face first into a tub of rusty nails and used syringes.”

Whoah, I wouldn’t want to run into that Brian Cashman fella in a dark alley!