Fanning the Flames: Lowe-Down

I often write about the Mets on this site, but I realize that my perspective is not necessarily that of the average fan. So as the Hot Stove League heats up, I want to get the viewpoint of another Amazins enthusiast. Today Scratchbomb welcomes back Sean from Massapequa, a union pipefitter and frequent WFAN caller, to discuss the Mets’ pursuit of Derek Lowe.

It looks like the Mets’ next free agent target is Derek Lowe. Do you think he’ll round out the rotation?

Yeah, if by “round it out” you mean “ruin it.” That guy’s a bum! I don’t want him nowhere near my team!

He’s not an ace, but you can’t call him a bum. He’s won a World Series, he’s got a good track record in the post season, he’s a solid starter, groundball pitcher, throws 200 innings every year…

Yeah, 200 innings of solid suck! Once again, we see the Freddy Coupons cheapin’ out on this team and not goin’ for the big guns.

Who do you want for the starting rotation? Now that Sabathia
and Burnett have signed, there’s no big name free agent starters out

The Mets shoulda signed Mark Teixeira!

We’re talking about starters. Teixeira’s a first baseman.

I don’t care! They shoulda signed him up! Ever since he went to the Bronx, I got this loudmouth Yankee fan brother-in-law of mine talkin’ about how they’re gonna win the World Series! God, I wanna belt that guy so bad. Just once with a socket wrench, right in the throat…

So the Mets should’ve signed Teixeira so your brother-in-law wouldn’t harass you.

Hey, I pay their salaries, buddy! I watch all the games on SNY, I buy tickets from StubHub, I get my new Mets gear from this guy with a folding table outside of the LIRR station…

I’m pretty sure the Mets don’t see dime from those last two things.

The point is, I do ’em, and they should listen to me! How many times I gotta call up Mike Francesa and scream about Omar Minaya before that bum resigns?!

So I take it that you won’t care if Lowe signs with the Braves, since they’re reported to have already made him an offer?

Wait, the Braves want Lowe? Omar, you MUST sign this man! I don’t want them hicks thinkin’ they can beat us out again! I swear to god, if you let him sign in Atlanta, I will stuff Kenny Rogers and use him to beat you within an inch of your life!

How would you even do that?

I don’t wanna go into details, but trust me, I have thought about this. A lot. You know, I’m surprised Omar didn’t sign Teixeira. He seems like his kinda player.

I think he’d be anyone’s kind of player. Gold glove first baseman, a solid lock to drive in 120 runs every year…

No, I mean his kind of player, if catch my drift. Omar always seems to go for that kind of player. I think you know what I’m saying.

Do you mean he has a Hispanic last name?

Hey, you said it, I didn’t.

I only said it after you pretty much said it. So to you, Omar is only interested in signing Latino players, even though we just discussed his pursuit of a white pitcher.

Look, I got nothin’ against them people. It’s just that I don’t think they’re good nothin’ except baseball.

Wow, that is enormously offensive on numerous levels.

It ain’t offensive–I said they were good at somethin’! Everybody’s good at one thing. Take your Chinese people, for instance…

Stop right there–I do not wanna go down this road with you. But before you go, do you have any predictions for this weekend’s playoff games?

I predict that I will be in the Giants Stadium parking lot, whipping airliners of Stoli at every McNabb jersey I see.