CHRIS BERMAN: Welcome to ESPN’s Spook-tacular NFL
Playoffs Preview! Brought to you by Budweiser, Coors Light, Heineken,
Levitra, and Budweiser! I’m your host, The Boomer, Chris “Oz Never Did
Give Nothing To The” Berman. Because the NFL playoffs are so huge, ESPN
is preempting its round-the-clock poker coverage to give football its
due. First off, the NFC. How do you see the senior conference shaping
up, Ron Jaworski “Huh! Good God, Y’all-ski! What Is It Good For-ski”?
RON JAWORSKI: It’s been a disappointing, mediocre year in the NFC..
CHRIS BERMAN: Absolutely nothin’! Say it again-ski!
RON JAWORSKI: Last year’s conference champs, the
Seahawks, just barely staved off the 49ers to take the NFC West. And
I’m pretty sure the 49ers’ offensive line is actually made of popsicle
sticks. No one in the NFCreally scares you. There are compelling
reasons why each of the conference playoff teams couldn’t go all the
MIKE DITKA: Except for the Bears.
RON JAWORSKI: Actually, the Bears have many glaring
question marks, such as Rex Grossman’s horrid passer rating, which can
make babies cry from across a room.
MIKE DITKA: No, that is a lie devised by the liberal
Jew-run media. Rex Grossman is a fine piece of man-meat who eats coal
and shits diamonds. If he demanded to impregnate my only daughter while
I watched, I would kick down her bedroom door so that he could lay his
seed that much faster.
RON JAWORSKI: Jesus…
CHRIS BERMAN: Of course, you can’t discount the GEE-MEN.
RON JAWORSKI: They could be dangerous, sure, but
injuries and personal squabbles caused them to struggle in the second
half of the season. Not to mention the fact that virtually everyone on
the team is an insufferable douchebag.
CHRIS BERMAN: It’s fun to say GEE-MEN. Almost as much
fun as saying THE OAKLAND RAIDAHS. How do you think THE OAKLAND RAIDAHS
will fare in the NFC playoffs, Jaws?
RON JAWORSKI: The Raiders play in the AFC. Plus, they
didn’t make the playoffs because they are the worst team in the history
of organized sports.
MICHAEL IRVIN: I tell you what, I am looking forward
to seeing my man Terrell Owens TEAR IT UP in Seattle. If he’s proven
anything, it’s that he can always be relied on 100 PERCENT. The man
never quits, except when he feels like it, or when there are enough
pills laying around. And he is definitely a team player, as long as
that team throws him 75 passes a game. Hey, does anyone else hear bees?
RON JAWORSKI: After a fast start, Tony Romo’s come
back down to earth. So although the Cowboys have a lot of weapons at
their disposal, it’ll be interesting to see how Romo responds, since he
has very few NFL starts under his belt.
MICHAEL IRVIN: My man Romo’s gonna be A-OK, you feel
me? Hell, I won a coupla Super Bowls with Troy Aikman as my QB, and
that boy got a concussion every time he fell outta bed. One time, we
put mercury in his Gatorade bottle just to see what would happen. We
got our answer: 300+ passing yards and one perforated liver.
MIKE DITKA: The Cowboys will not win. No one will win
except the Bears. Here’s why, reason number one: They are great. Reason
number two: There is no reason number two. Reason number three: Shut
up. That’s all you need to know.
RON JAWORSKI: Despite their record and their killer
defense, the Bears are the most flawed offensive team in the playoffs.
Muhsin Muhammed is pretty much their only impact player, they have no
running game, and Rex Grossman has gone from mediocre to terrible to
puke-tastic over the course of the season.
MIKE DITKA: Who’s better then, the Saints? They sucked
when I coached them, therefore they will never be good. And don’t you
dare say the Eagles. Lemme tell you something, in a fistfight between a
bear and an eagle, who wins?
RON JAWORSKI: Eagles don’t have fists.
MICHAEL IRVIN: In my completely unbiased opinion, the
Cowboys will go all the way. First off, if you lose to Dallas, Terrell
Owens will call you gay and challenge you to a shirtless driveway
push-up contest. Nobody wants that. Second, Tony Romo got all up in
Jessica Simpson’s guts. Therefore, the Seahawks will step aside to
mentally applaud his achievement.
CHRIS BERMAN: RAIDAHS
MICHAEL IRVIN: Romo also mighta got up in some bitch
named Carrie Underwood. I’m not sure who that is, but she is apparently
quite humpable. Point is, the man can SEAL THE DEAL. Speaking of which,
did my man Jose come by with my “package”?
MARK SCHLERETH: Hey, Mike and Mike let me out of my
cage long enough so I could chip in my two cents. I don’t know who will
win the NFC and frankly I don’t care. Just so long as the games are
decided on the field, in a tough, hairy, glistening, two-fisted manly
way. No pansy-ass Boise State trick plays. No endless replays. No
bullshit “roughing the passer” calls. And if any of these games is
decided by a last-minute field goal, I will destroy the ESPN studio
with my rage. Kicking is for pussies and soccer players, who are also
pussies. That’s why kickers only have that one tiny bar on the front of
MICHAEL IRVIN: I hung out with a kicker one night.
Some foreign dude, I think he was from Lithuania or some place like
that. Man, the shit he was into, you don’t wanna even know. We had to
send him home from the “White House” because he was too damn much for
CHRIS BERMAN: GEE-MEN
MARK SCHLERETH: I would love to kick a kicker to
death, just to show him how stupid kicking is. “There, I slew you with
the tools of your trade. How do you like kicking now, you stupid
kicker?!” I’d so do it, man, if it weren’t for the stupid murder laws
in this country. I swear I’m moving to Thailand, man. You know if you
kill a hooker there it’s like a $10 fine?
RON JAWORSKI: Well, this is fun to debate, but of course anything can happen in the playoffs.
MIKE DITKA: No, only one thing can happen: The Bears
winning. It’s been proven by math and it will be further proven by my
fists if you dare contradict me.
CHRIS BERMAN: RAI-MEN! GEE-DERS!
MIKE DITKA: And if you so much as say “Eagles”, I will
march over there and break your glasses and make you eat them, and then
I will stand over you as you sob and sit on the toilet so that I can
see you poop out chunks of your own glasses that I made you eat.
RON JAWORSKI: Eagles.
MIKE DITKA: /mustache explodes
Scratchbomb’s predictions (picks in caps):
GIANTS (+7) at Philly–Not sure the GEE-MEN will prevail, but I think it’ll be close, so take the points.
(-3) vs. Dallas–I know the Seahawks kinda sucked their way into the
playoffs, but should they really be 3-point underdogs at Qwest Field?
Nay, says I.
Correction, 10.06.07–Obviously, (-3) means
Seattle is favored by 3. Or at least it would have been obvious if I
hadn’t been writing this post late at night with a crying baby in one
hand. And as I write this now, the line has been reduced to a mere (-2). Still, take Seattle, says I, for the noisiness of Qwest Field shall turn Tony Romo from John Elway into Eli Manning.