Tag Archives: the tonight show

The Funny

Summer Blockbuster Previews Based On Their Fake Jay Leno Monologues

leno_movieDid you see the other day where a town in Ohio that was down on its luck reopened a huge factory that had been shuttered for years? They said you couldn’t manufacture in this country anymore, but these plucky workers proved the critics wrong! Seems they found a real growth industry: making Big Macs for Bill Clinton! Remember, he ate a lot of those? The 90s, guys!

Guys, did you see this thing where Dominic Terreto and his car-boosting crew have been offered immunity for their crimes if they help the feds capture a criminal mastermind? Oops, probably shouldn’t have mentioned the details of an undercover operation on the air like that. Really strange that I would know anything about that to begin with. Those guys are probably all dead now. Oh well.

Did you see in this thing in the papers, folks? Apparently this high school basketball team in San Diego has gone undefeated ever since they fired their old coach and replaced him with a dog! It’s true! Nothin’ in the rule book says a dog can’t coach basketball! He’s got the kids back to the fundamentals: passing, free throws, and fetch! Anyway, stick around, we got David Brenner coming up!

Did you see this, read this, hear about this? Apparently a guy made himself a millionaire by bootlegging and gambling and bought himself the fanciest house in West Egg, all to impress some girl he used to like named Daisy. Boy, did he ever just think of sitting on a flagpole or something? Thanks for tuning in to the Old Gold Joke Minute, folks. Not a cough in a carload!

Did you see this thing where a mechanic from New Jersey won the New Hampshire primary with his straight-shooting, no-nonsense approach? This guy came outta nowhere to shock all the pundits and make people believe in democracy again! They think he can land the nomination, but it’ll depend on if this part comes in from Detroit! Cars!

Did you see this thing where earth has been overrun by zombies and humanity may be doomed? Did you hear about this? Is anyone hearing this? Is anyone out there at all? I’m holed up in my underground garage, hiding behind a Stutz Bearcat. If anyone can hear me, a little tip for you guys: windshield wiper fluid is potable.

Did you see this thing where an elephant wants to sing instead of dance? Crazy! This is happening in a universe where we’re all CGI elephants who dance constantly, by the way. Thanks for tuning in, this is Jay El-Leno-phant.

Did you see this thing where aliens?

Folks, did you see this thing where the Iron Man is back? That’s all I can say. The producers only gave me my page of the script. And now, please welcome back the Dancing Itos!

Self-Righteous Rants, The Funny

Jay Leno and the Persistence of Mediocrity

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There are times when I feel profoundly disconnected from humanity. Like, I operate on a completely different wavelength than the rest of the world. These moments tend to occur whenever I turn on the TV. Or read anything online. Or leave the house.

I realize this is an extremely childish and narcissistic POV. Everyone feels different–Free to Be You and Me taught me that. Well, that and the inherent creepiness of baby puppets.

But how am I supposed to feel, gentle reader, when I’m told that the entire world is all a-twitter at the news that Jay Leno will host a 10pm talk show, and I think to myself, Wow, Jay Leno still exists?

I mean, seriously, people are excited about this? No one has ever been excited by anything Jay Leno has ever done. I challenge you to convince me otherwise.

leno.jpgI still don’t understand how Jay Leno got to be Johnny Carson’s successor. Who let that happen? Shouldn’t that have been reviewed by the Council of Things That Make No Damn Sense?

Johnny Carson was witty and urbane, a gifted comedian and a master interviewer. No one has ever used any of those words to describe Jay Leno, except prefaced with the word “not”.

People still talk about sketches Johnny Carson used to do on The Tonight Show. You see clips of his most famous celebrity interviews on TV all the time. Jon Stewart imitates him at least once a night. He remains the gold standard by which all late night fare is judged.

You think they’ll sell “The Best of Jay Leno” DVDs some day? Nope, and you will never say this to your grandkids:

Back in my day, we all used to gather ’round the television and watch The Jay Leno Program. I still remember the time he found a midget version of himself! And the time Kevin Eubanks pretended to laugh at his monologue for the 8 millionth time! Oh, it was magic!

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