Tag Archives: sarah palin

The Quantum World of Sarah Palin

quantumpalin.jpgI have to say, again, I don’t understand how anyone could think that my words could incite anyone to violence. And anyone who uses words to suggest otherwise is just going to incite violence.

How could my words have no effect while others’ have enormous impact? Perhaps you think that makes no sense, and you’d be right–in your world. But where I live, there is no such thing as contradiction.

The Sarah Palin you see on TV is actually an extremely sophisticated holographic magnification. In truth, I am extremely tiny. Slightly larger than one Planck length, actually. By your standards, I am almost infinitesimally small, and exist in a subatomic universe far beyond your power to comprehend. I use quarks for furniture! In a house that’s tucked into a curled dimension you have yet to discover!

Things happen in my world that are inconceivable in yours. A single particle can travel on multiple trajectories simultaneously. Objects fall upward and sideways without any regard for gravity–although directional concepts like “upward” and “sideways” have little meaning here. And I can make statements that directly contradict each other, sometimes within the span of one sentence, and not actually contradict myself.

I can also suggest things in the minds of my listeners, like “Obama’s a scary black guy!” or “they’re gonna kill your grandma!” without actually saying them, and being able to paint anyone who suggests otherwise as a PC liberal elitist. It’s pretty neat, not having to live by the rules everyone else does!

What’s the best part about living in a world that operates on quantum mechanics? Sometimes it’s the sheer unpredictability. Sometimes it’s exploring all the dozens of different planes of existence that can’t be perceived by “normal” sized people; I’ve lost track of how many there are! And sometimes it’s the ability to alter reality to suit my needs on a moment-by-moment basis. 

By the way, the string theory is totally wrong. And it’s totally right. How is that possible? It isn’t! But it is! Sorry if that goes over your heads. You wouldn’t get it unless you were at my tiny, tiny level.

Sarah Palin Defends “Murder Congress” Campaign

palin2.jpgWASHINGTON–Under fire after the shooting of Arizona Representative Gabrielle Giffords, Sarah Palin defended the fundraising efforts of her SarahPAC organization during the recent midterm elections. Her group received criticism for using the campaign slogan “Murder Congress.”

“We reject the notion that we’re to blame in any way for the tragedy this past weekend,” said Palin aide Rebecca Mansour. “We merely meant the sweeping changes we have planned for Washington would be the metaphorical equivalent of mass murder, in that it would ‘slay’ many of the liberal member of Congress. I don’t understand how you can take a perfectly innocent motivational phrase like ‘murder Congress’ and twist it into somehow advocating violence.”

Mansour also denied the campaign’s artwork was inflammatory “The symbols we drew over certain congresspersons’ heads are being interpreted by some PC types as bullseyes, simply because they are circles with crosshairs, partially colored in with red blobs that vaguely resemble blood. This was simply our homage to the title sequences of the classic James Bond movies. How on earth you could mistake that for anything else is beyond me.”

Palin’s campaign efforts are now drawing scrutiny because Giffords was specifically targeted by SarahPAC. The former Alaska governor appeared at an event for the congresswoman’s opponent, Jesse Kelly, that was advertised in local newspapers as “The Someone Should Probably Shoot Gabrielle Giffords, Just Sayin’ Festival and Tractor Pull”.

“The word ‘shoot’ has many connotations,” Mansour said. “We meant someone should shoot her with a camera, and those photos would show her for the Obama-loving neo-Socialist she is.”

The campaign event featured a firing range where guests could take target practice on life-size effigies of Giffords, with weapons ranging from Glock handguns to grenade launchers. But Mansour insisted, “It takes quite a leap of logic to insist this was anything other than a fun carnival game. Naturally, the liberal media is blowing this all out of proportion. I’m sure it won’t be long before they read something sinister into the fact that the winners of the target practice contest won free Colt .45s and maps to Giffords’ house.”

“Frankly, I’m shocked at how many liberals are seeking to politicize this tragedy. As far as we know, this terrible act was committed by a lone nut, and as we all know, lone nuts are in no way affected by the general political atmosphere. I don’t see how an unstable person could be influenced by anything Sarah may have tweeted or put on her web site.”

Mansour would not comment on any particular tweet or other web content produced by Palin because “all this completely non-incendiary, innocent comment has been removed in the last 24 hours.”

A FOX News spokesman says it will continue to feature Palin on its programs, despite the controversy, but is looking into suing Giffords for defamation of character.

Midwestern Metal Band Sues Sarah Palin for Copyright Infringement

metal.jpgCAVE-IN-ROCK, ILLINOIS–Death Panel, a heavy metal band from southern Illinois, announced it is suing former governor of Alaska and vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin for invoking their name during her recent comments about national health care.

“She said our name, Death Panel. It’s copyright infringement, probably,” said lead singer/rhythm guitarist Shawn Mackin from the parking lot of the 7-11 where he works after school.

“I totally mailed all of our lyrics and stuff to myself months ago,” Mackin said. “That shit is postmarked. Case closed.”

Mackin then wondered where his mom was to pick him, since she should have been here, like, ten fuckin’ minutes ago.

“It’s like, she’s takin’ our name, right?” said drummer Dave Carlin between sucks on a Slurpee straw. “It’s like, fuckin’, c’mon.”

Mackin added, “You should hear this dude on the double kicks. Sick.”

Asked for the specifics of their lawsuit, Carlin said he had a cousin in law school. “He’s not a lawyer yet, but he knows enough law shit to get this done.” Carlin would totally call him up when he got home, ’cause he’s probably got his phone number somewhere.

Asked if he believed President Obama’s health care plan would employ so-called “death panels,” Mackin replied, “I hope so. That sounds fuckin’ bad ass.”

Mackin described Death Panel as a “totally balls to the wall” group whose main influences are Slayer, Lamb of God, and Kill ‘Em All-era Metallica. “None of that Black Album horseshit.” He said the band’s self-produced five-song demo CD “will fuckin’ slay fake metal”.

Added bassist/backup vocalist Todd Herman, “Fuckin’ A.”

The Self-Delusion Express Rolls On!

The tweeting of James Urbaniak (aka Dr. Venture) alerted me to this tweet from the soon-to-be-ex-governor of Alaska. For the full effect, I think you need to see how this tweet looks all by itself, standing alone in all its glory.

palintweet.jpgYes, the work ethic is certainly there in Alaska. Ain’t no quitters in Alaska! Except for maybe one repeat offender.

There are amoebas with more self-awareness than this broad. The only three things in this creep’s universe are Me, Myself, and I. She’d plunge herself into a pool of toxic waste if it got her three extra minutes of news coverage.

And just take a look at that wallpaper. Somewhere there is a “Footprints” poster with no background. I think that scene comes from Microsoft Clip Art; search for “Decorative Plate”.

If you really want a scare, read Todd Purdum’s Vanity Fair article on this monster, and think about how close we came to her being one heartbeat away from the presidency. We dodged a bullet, folks. A proudly ignorant, narcissistic, sociopathic bullet.

Tortured Transparent Sports Metaphors with Sarah Palin

palin2.jpgI’m struggling to find the right words to express how I feel about my resignation. Because words have never really been my friends. You know who likes words? The liberal media elite. They’ve always been big on words and sentences and paragraphs. They’ll never understand the solid American people that I know, people who talk to each other with handshakes, or grunts, or a series of shrugs and punches.

But if I have to use words, let me use the kind of words that real American people understand: sports words!

A lot of people wonder why I’m resigning. Well, just imagine you’re a point guard. And by “you”, I mean “me”.  You’re naïve if you don’t see the national full-court press coming right at you. A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket, and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can win. I know when it’s time to pass the ball–for victory!

Granted, a point guard usually helps her team by passing the ball and staying in the game, instead of taking the ball and going home. My point is, by resigning, I’m keeping my eye on the ball that represents sound priorities: smaller government, energy independence, national security, freedom! And also, America, and flags, and freedom.

I don’t know if I’m really getting my point across. Let’s extend this idea. Imagine you’re an awesome, all-world point guard for a terrible team in some podunk town. The kind of place where the only exports are moose meat and meth. You know you could do some great things for a team in a big, flashy city where you can shop til you drop and have cosmos with the girls every night. If only you could get out of that rotten one-horse town!

Plus, you’ve been bitching about this horrible team and its ass-backwards city for a while, and all of the brain dead hicks who used to love you and begged your team to draft you suddenly think you’re a total diva who might have mental problems. So your value drops the longer stick around in this god-forsaken place.

Does this sound like a fair scenario for an all-star fox like me? No, of course not! The world should be this point guard’s oyster–literally! I mean, what’s a promising young Republican point guard to do?

You do what I do: say you’re gonna retire from point guarding. That way, the nasty liberal media stops doing its full court press, and after you’ve been away for a while, all those hockey moms and Nascar dads will remember why they liked you in the first place. And you get to play for any city you like! Even President City, god willing!

In conclusion, my still-fellow Alaskans, don’t think of this as me resigning. Think of this as me looking for a new free agent contract that reflects my true level of talent. In my heart, I’ll always belong to Alaska. You know, like how LeBron James will always belong to Cleveland, even though we all know he’ll wind up on the Knicks sooner or later.