Tag Archives: santa claus

Holiday Triumphs: MST3K’s Santa Claus

Continuing the fabled tradition begun all the way back in 2009, Scratchbomb presents Holiday Horrors and Holiday Triumphs: an advent calendar of some of the more hideous aspects of this most stressful time of year–with a few bits of awesomeness sprinkled in.

For many years, I’ve lauded the virtues of “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians,” a special holiday episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. I must watch this show at least once every holiday season in order to have the most Swayzeist Christmas of them all.

mst3k_santaclaus.jpgHowever, there is another Yuletide episode of MST3K that I also watch each year around this time. It dates from the Mike Era and is simply entitled “Santa Claus”. If I don’t love it as much as “Santa Clause Conquers the Martians,” it’s only because “…Martians” is in the pantheon of Greatest Things Ever, whereas “Santa Claus” is merely fantastic.

Like many of the better episodes of MST3K, this one benefits from using a film that is straight-up bonkers. “Santa Claus,” a Mexican production badly dubbed into English, pits Kris Kringle against Satan himself. Or at least, one of Satan’s mincing minions, who prances around our earthly domain trying to get kids to bust windows and disobey their parents.

Santa Claus does his best to combat the forces of evil by gathering together a collection of children from around the world to sing Christmas carols–thus simultaneously offending every race ever. He also races through the sky on a sled pulled by mechanical reindeer, whose hellish cackling will haunt your dreams. There is some truly deranged stuff in this movie nearly on par with monstrosities like “The Attack of the Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies.”

But it’s not just the movie that delights. Dr. Forrester and TV’s Frank engage in a one-sided “Gift of the Magi”–Frank shaves his head to buy his boss a watch fob, and Dr. Forrester (who’d forgotten all about him) gives Frank a $35 savings bond. Mike and the Bots play a Dream Theater-y tune as the prog rock outfit Sänta Cläus, exchange an odd assortment of gifts, and make an attempt to write a multicultural holiday carol, “Merry Christmas (If That’s Okay)”.

“Santa Claus” also has some of my favorite lines from the show ever:

  • “Santa’s laughter mocks the poor.”
  • “Is it a good idea to jingle all the way?”
  • “Santa’s tendrils reach far and wide. There is no escaping the KLAUS organization.”
  • “Is this weird enough for ya, kids? How does make you feel about Santa?”
  • [over a shot of slack-jawed children] “Santa’s army of walking corpses!”

What I’m saying is, even if you’re a Joel Partisan like myself, do not sleep on “Santa Claus.” It will reward you with plenty of nightmare fuel and buffalo shots of a demon in furry red boxer-briefs.

Holiday Horrors: Santa Claus (The Concept)

For other Holiday Horrors posts, click here.

highsanta.jpgThe Baby just turned three, and she’s really into Christmas this year. She loves seeing the lights on people’s houses and decorated trees. Every now and then, she’ll just say “It’s Christmas time!” because she’s so excited about it. It’s adorable.

Except for the whole Santa thing.

I’m not sure who’s to blame, but I’m guessing it’s her day care. Because all of a sudden, she says things like “Santa’s coming!” and seems to actually “believe” in Santa, in the Traditional Holiday Special sense. Up to this point, The Wife and I strenuously avoided any mention of Santa as much as possible because we both think it’s dumb, outmoded, and just wrong.

Yes, there is something precious and heartwarming about a tiny tot professing his/her belief in Santa. The problem is, it’s a belief in something that’s total bullshit. Would it be just as cute if I convinced The Baby to believe in a 10-foot-tall head of lettuce with arms and teeth that shat presents out of his butt-hole? Because that’s about as true as the whole Santa deal.

Santa Claus dates back to a time when the average schmoe actually
believed in ghosts, witches, and other mysterious, malevolent things. The world was a harsher
place. Go look up the original, Germanic Santa Claus stories–they are
truly horrifying. Because Santa never came alone. He was always trailed by trickster demons who plagued the naughty kids. And in those days, virtually everyone was naughty.

You wanted your kids to behave? You told them they’d get presents if they were good, beatings from a goat-legged goblin if they were bad. Just like the local priest told them they’d go to heaven if they shut up and plowed the field for their feudal lord, and go to hell if they didn’t.

Santa Claus isn’t make-believe, like when a little kid plays dress up or pretends s/he’s an airplane. It’s a lie. I don’t like lying to my child. I understand the temptation to do so, like when The Baby wants more junk food and my first inclination is to say We don’t have anymore. But that doesn’t teach her anything. What does teach her something is saying, You can’t have anymore because you’ve had a lot already and we’re eating dinner very soon.

Lies are easy, the truth is hard. But what’s even harder is one day, I have to tell my kid there’s no Santa, just because everyone else thought it would be cute to see a little kid believe in medieval nonsense. Thanks, World.

Holiday Horrors: Santa Claus in “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”

For other Holiday Horrors posts, click here.

santaandrudolph.jpgLast week, I referred to the original Rankin-Bass Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer as “an unbridled triumph”. I stand by that assessment, but my friend Shaun reminded me of one unpleasant factor in that otherwise spotless holiday classic: in it, Santa’s a huge jerk.

Exhibit A: Santa visits Donner and wife once Rudolph is born. He sees Rudolph’s shiny nose. A nervous Donner assures Santa that this is just a temporary thing. Santa’s response: “I certainly hope so!” Rudolph’s about three minutes old at this point, you insensitive clod!

Exhibit B: Rudolph’s shiny nose is revealed at Reindeer Practice. The other reindeer freak out and make fun of him. Pretty uncool, but hey, they’re just dumb reindeer. But Santa tells Donner he should “be ashamed of himself”. Ashamed of himself! “How dare you sire such a monster!”

Exhibit C: Santa’s intolerant hiring practices. The head elf in his workshop has a severe anti-dental bias, as evidenced by his irrational prejudice against Hermey, the tooth-loving elf.

Exhibit D: When the elves sing their song for Santa, The Big Man waves his hand, Mike Francesa style, and simply says, “It needs work, I have to go.” The he storms out, leaving Mrs. Clause to apologize and do damage control.

Exhibit E: When intolerance drives both Rudolph and Hermey to run away from the North Pole, who goes after them? Not Santa. Clarice and Rudolph’s mom attempt to find them, and almost get eaten by a Bumble in the process.

Exhibit F: After all of this, Santa impresses Rudolph into service as part of his reindeer gang, because suddenly the shiny-nosed freak proves useful. Most folks would’ve told Santa to go fuck himself, but Rudolph puts aside his ego so toys can be delivered.

In summation, Santa Claus in Rudolph: huge dick. Your honor, the defense rests.