Tag Archives: republican shenanigans

Vote Republican or We’re Taking Our Ball and Going Home!

When I heard Barack Obama was going to throw out the first pitch at the All Star Game, I figured the right-wing blogosphere and radio world would find something wrong with it. Whether he threw a perfect strike over the plate or an eephus pitch into the first base stands, it would be judged as something evil because, well, why not?

Such an event marks one of the neocons’ few chances to attack a guy whose biggest crime is being treated like a rock star everywhere he goes. These are the same guys who rah-rah-ed for torture for eight years and helped send American troops to die in Iraq on a total lie. But a photogenic, popular president? That shall not stand!

Even by the low standards I hold them to, however, one ASG-related screed really stood out like an unhinged door. It was penned by Andy McCarthy (not the co-star of Weekend at Bernie’s) and featured at National Review‘s The Corner. The site is aptly named; it’s a lot like a corner near a bus station, overrun with raving lunatics.

You know The Crazy will be brought in abundance when this is the first line of the post:

Though it’s not a widely appreciated fact, we right-winger sports nuts
have long known that the sports press is among the media’s leftiest
precincts.

Yeah, I’m sick of Joe Buck all those pro-socialized medicine diatribes he throws into the Fox Game of the Week. I don’t think Sunday Night Football is an appropriate venue for John Madden to praise Hugo Chavez. And I won’t watch College Gameday anymore, not after Lee Corso turned it into a soapbox for his Tax the Churches movement!

In what universe is sports media a bastion of effete left-wing intellectuals? Can you name one Sports Guy other than Keith Olbermann who is even rumored to be a lefty? Sports news rarely intersects with political news, and when it does, sports networks like ESPN tend to stay centrist so they don’t alienate anyone. Because sports are seen by most people as an “escape” from the real world. Regardless of political affiliation, folks don’t like it when nasty things like partisan squabbling find their way onto SportsCenter.

And what of sports radio, Mr. McCarthy? The only difference between Rush Limbaugh’s audience and Mike Francesa’s audience is the frequency they tune into. You should’ve heard some of the people calling into Francesa in the weeks leading up to the presidential election. Listening to them, you would’ve thought 90 percent of the electorate was gonna vote for McCain.

And this is in the Tri-State Area, solid blue state territory if there is one. I can’t even imagine what sports radio is like in, say, St. Louis, where a shot of Dubya in the ASG pregame ceremony resulted in rapturous applause.

McCarthy’s biggest gripe is that ESPN “covered up” Obama being booed at the All Star Game. God help me for defending ESPN, but it’s not ESPN’s job to discuss the political ramifications of Obama’s appearance at the All Star Game. That’s for political analysts. And I guess paranoid hacks like you can throw their two cents in as well. Just remember to put your tinfoil hat on first, so the secret Illuminati satellites can’t beam pro-gay-rights messages into your brain!

I also don’t recall ESPN making a big deal of Dick Cheney getting the living shit booed out of him when he threw out the first pitch for the Nationals a few years ago. So at least ESPN is bipartisan in its cover-ups.

McCarthy insists his “six-year-old throws a baseball better (far better, in fact) than Obama.” Then get that kid to declare for the MLB draft, because Obama’s pitch wasn’t that bad. His lefty delivery didn’t draw any comparisons to Johan Santana, of course, but McCarthy’s lengthy descriptions of its failings are just flat-out lies (or self delusion), as MLB’s video of the event will attest.

He hates the fact that Obama threw the ball to Albert Pujols instead of Yadier Molina, because he only did it to keep the crowd from booing! There could be no other reason, except maybe honoring an amazing player who’s having a potentially historic season. And he only embraced Cardinal great Stan Musial to thwart a jeering crowd! Or maybe it’s because Stan Musial is a living legend and one of the best hitters ever.

No, it can’t be! It was all a ruse to keep the crowd on his side! Just like his decision to wear a White Sox jacket, because..wait, St. Louis fans hate Chicago! And despite his nefarious gambits, the crowd booed (mildly) anyway. Can you follow this train of thought? No? Me either.

Look at this screengrab. I don’t even see a baseball! He didn’t throw anything! And all you sheep are falling for it! We’re through the looking glass here, people.

McCarthy’s attempt to pull secret codes from benign actions should come at no surprise. Neocons always get hung up on the nonsense of stagecraft, at the expense of examining things that truly matter. You know, stuff that leaders actually do.

For example, neocons think one of the greatest things Dubya ever did was throw out the first pitch at Yankee Stadium during the 2001 World Series. It represented a Display of Strength and Resolve after 9/11! It showed he would not be cowed by those nasty terrorists! It showed he would never stop! And he never stopped!

Except when it came to finding the man responsible for the World Trade Center attack. He stopped well short of accomplishing that mission. But hey, he threw a perfect strike to Derek Jeter! That’s almost like bringing Osama bin Laden to justice, right?

Ironic, then, that McCarthy denounces Obama’s appearance as “shrewdly orchestrated”, since McCarthy’s recently departed Dear Leader shrewdly orchestrated every appearance he ever made. At least Obama doesn’t shrewdly orchestrate his press conferences. Or the bullshit intelligence he feeds to the CIA. Or ways to keep Congress in the dark about secret CIA operations.

But hey, keep bitching about how The Media won’t talk about Obama’s weak two-seam fastball. That oughta win you guys some elections. Between complainers like this douche and Sarah Palin, the GOP has transformed itself into the Party of Whine. They should change their logo from an elephant to a three-year-old with his arms folded, holding his breath.

Governor Sanford Has a Lost Weekend

sanford.jpgWhere have I been? Out. I went out.

I was gone for four days? No, I don’t think so. No, I’m pretty sure I was just out for the afternoon.

Today’s Wednesday? Really? Yeah, I guess I was gone for four days. Boy, time flies when you’re…well, you know.

Where did I go? Hiking. Took a little hike. You know how I love to hike, honey. Can’t get enough of that hiking.

What’s this? A duty free bag. They got some great stuff in them stores. I got a hundred Kit Kats for, like, five bucks.

Yeah, I was at the airport. Why?

Oh, I see. My staff told you I was on the Appalachian Trail. That’s where the whole misunderstanding comes from. See, they have code phrases they use so no one else can figure out where I am. So when they said I was “hiking on the Appalachian Trail”, what they meant was I was on a very important diplomatic mission to…France. Qatar. Argentina-land.

I meant Argentina! See, sometimes we use “France” and “Qatar” as, um, alternating code words for “Buenos Aires”. See, I’m getting myself all mixed up now!

I know I said I was hiking. That was because of the hiking code word, so I got that all mixed up with…you know, I’m so confused from the trip and the jet lag and the secret code words and whatnot, I think I’m gonna turn in early tonight…

What was I doing in Buenos Aires? Oooh, that’s a good question. It was a diplomatic mission, honey. You know how those are. Just trying to get the Argentinians to be more, um, diplomatic. Can’t say too much about it, though. Pretty hush hush, you see.

Why was I on a diplomatic mission for the current president, who I don’t like very much? Boy, that’s another good question. You are just full of them today! Well, honey, some things are bigger than partisan politics. And I would love to tell what those things are, I really would! But I am just so bushed from my flight, I think I’ll just go hit the hay right now! *yawn*

Why was this trip such a big secret? It wasn’t a secret, honey! Sure, I left for several days and didn’t tell you or anyone else where I was going, but that doesn’t make it a secret!

Okay, fine, that does make it a secret. Technically. We’re not gonna argue semantics, are we? Because I could do the same thing back to you! What does the word “secret” mean, huh? Think about it!

Jeez! Can’t the executive of a state of the union go completely off the grid for a long weekend to commit certain unnamed deeds without it being a huge deal?

Tell you what. Why don’t you fix me a scotch and we’ll go watch Jon and Kate Plus 8 on Tivo. Sound like a plan? Great.

Oh, and honey? If you ever tell the press you don’t know where I am again, you’re gonna wind up with a pair of cement shoes. Got it?

Good. Thanks, sweetie! Still waiting on that scotch!

NFL Week 10 with Rush Limbaugh

Two words for last week’s picks: Ug-Lee. Week 9 had a lot of underdogs winning, and a lot of overdogs either choking or deciding to win their games by razor thin margins. Hey, Eli Manning–Plaxico’s not on the field; try throwing a pass that’s not 11 feet in the air. And see if you can beat the fucking Texans by more than four points. Asshole.

The tallies for week 9: win/loss 7-7; points, 5-9. That brings the season’s grand total to:

Win/Loss: 84-43
Points: 62-63

So for the first time this year, I’ve fallen below .500. I would blame my guest picker, but he had a hard enough week as it is. I tried to get now-ex-Senator George Allen to contribute, but he’s a tad bitter about pigskin right now; carrying a football around to every damn campaign stop did him no apparent good. So instead, I turn to ex-Monday Night Football commentator/right-wing radio yakker/acceptable drug addict Rush Limbaugh.

Buffalo at Indianapolis: I admire Peyton Manning’s commitment to excellence almost as much as I do his commitment to free enterprise. He’s set to break Tiki Barber’s all-time season record for commercial endorsements. If you remember that DirecTV ad where he tells the viewer to turn over to another, more interesting game, I think this contest will resemble that spot. Indianapolis by 8.

San Francisco at Detroit: A bet for the 49ers on the road is a bet for Nancy Pelosi and her San Francisco values! Detroit by 6.

San Diego at Cincinnati: With the Democrats back in power, expect to see a return to the revolving-door justice system of years past. For a preview of this grim new world, just look at the incarcer-rific Bengals, who’ve logged more trips to the pokey than offensive yards. The Chargers will be more than a match for this band of convicts, even without Shawne Merriman, a talented young man who got a bit too zealous in his self-medication regimen. Look, we’ve all been there, haven’t we? San Diego by 5.

Continue reading NFL Week 10 with Rush Limbaugh

Stand Up! You Are an American!

I’m a terrible American.

Tuesday marked the first time since I’d turned 18 that I didn’t vote. Like many an antihero, my patriotic impulses were thwarted by bureaucratic BS. My car was up for inspection this week, see, and I had no time before D-Day to get it checked out. My father-in-law offered to take it to a guy he knows, but in order to do so, I had to drive the car over to his place after work yesterday. This took a good chunk out of potential voting time.

Plus, I hadn’t re-registered in my new neighborhood. So in order to vote, I’d have to go back to Greenpoint, which is nigh impossible to do in the evening without a car. Beyond rush hour, the local buses run like a fat asthmatic kid with a torn ACL. Long story short, time, tide, and the affairs of the DMV conspired to thwart my civic duties.

But if I’m honest with myself, I can say that if I really, really, really wanted to vote, I would have found a way to do so. I didn’t.

Continue reading Stand Up! You Are an American!

NFL Week 9 Picks by Karl Rove

rove.jpgI finished up my year of NFL picks at MSN Sports Filter on a decidedly sour note. Two bad weeks in a row; my week 8 tallies were 7-7 win/loss, 6-8 points. That showing brought my tally on the season to:

Win/Loss: 77-36
Points: 57-56

Obviously, I need some high-powered help. So this week, Scratchbomb.com is pleased to welcome a guest handicapper for our NFL picks. You may remember him from such unbridled successes as “the Valerie Plame scandal”, “the Mark Foley cover up” and “you forgot Poland”. Here’s Republican strategist/pork vacuum Karl “Turdblossom” Rove.

Atlanta at Detroit: A good solid red state versus a city full of, um, traditional Democrat voters. Try and guess who I’m picking! I don’t know if Michael Vick will continue his chuck-tastic ways, but it won’t matter much against the toothless Lions. I know Vick’s a lefty, but I forgive him. Atlanta by 8.

Continue reading NFL Week 9 Picks by Karl Rove