Tag Archives: rangers

Schadenfreuders Unanimous: World Series Game 1

So just before the playoffs started, I announced my intentions to do some recaps of the games and whatnot. Before doing so, I did not remember/calculate exactly how effin’ busy I’d be over those weeks. And so I was forced to not deliver on my promise for the first two rounds. I regret not being able to do this for the LDSes, all of which turned out to be pretty amazing, though I’m a bit relieved I couldn’t make it up in the LCSes, which, apart from a few games, were snooze fests.

Am I excited about this World Series matchup? Not exactly. Or not at all, actually. I’d hoped for a Detroit-Milwaukee series, for reasons that escape me now. Rust versus Cheese! Alas, t’was not to be, and so I have to decide between my generalized dislike for Texas (or maybe just the idea of Texas) and my specific dislike of Tony LaRussa. The Cardinals’ unlikely road to the Fall Classic has more annoyed me than intrigued me, even if they picked off the Phillies along the way, while the Rangers are one of those teams I was once happy to go years without thinking about.

But, since I went through the trouble of announcing this dumb feature and even made a blog category for it and everything, I present to you my in-time observations of this historic game one (in that it is technically part of history). All of the carnage after the jump.

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Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2011 MLB Preview: AL West

LOS ANGELES ANGELS

2010 record: 80-82

Biggest offseason acquisition: The “s” in Kendrys Morales’ first name

Biggest offseason loss: Every free agent

Are we finally over joking about the whole “Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim” thing?: Not as long as sports writers confuse themselves with comedians.

Best name on 40-man roster: Loek Van Mil, one of the most overlooked of the Dutch Masters.

The That Guy’s on This Team? Award: The previously untradeable Vernon Wells.

Spring standout: Farmhand Mark Trumbo, with 5 homers and 13 RBIs this spring thus far.  Scouts praise his batting skills but criticize him for his unwillingness to name names.

Probable Opening Day starter: Jered Weaver, who is this close to asking his brother Jeff to stop crashing on his couch and go get a real job.

Biggest question for 2011: Seriously, they traded for Vernon Wells?

Strengths: Good corps of starting pitchers, easy on/off to all highways

Weaknesses: No one wants to play in Orange County, apparently

Semi-serious assessment: The Angels suffered an almost Mets-ian string of freak injuries in 2010, the Kendry(s) Morales walkoff fiasco being the most infamous. For some reason, they could woo no free agent suitors to come to Anaheim, and so they traded for Wells and his insane contract. They’re already experiencing a string of bad luck this spring on the fronts of injuries (Morales, Joel Pineiro) and performance (Scott Kazmir). Their chances to improve on last year’s record remain slim.
Continue reading Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2011 MLB Preview: AL West

The Hunt for Douche October

Bro, do you like the new Axe? I heard chicks dig it when you spray it on your junk, but it kinda hurts my pee-hole….OH SHIT, THERE’S A BALL COMIN RIGHT THIS WAY! I GOT IT! I GOT IT! YO LA GOT IT, BRO!

canohr.jpgHey, did you see that?! I snatched it right outta that outfielder’s glove! Serves ya right, you stupid fuckin world class athlete! Hey you, Chico, whatever your name is–this is you!

YankeesFanDouche.gifYou’re all like, “Duh, lookit me tryna catch a ball while someone grabs my glove!” What an asshole! Go back to Texas, so you can then go back to Mexico or wherever the fuck you’re from!

Bro, high five. Totally burned that guy. That’ll teach him to come to the cathedral of baseball and think he can win a game. Too many ghosts here, bro. That wasn’t me who grabbed the ball outta his hands, that was the spirit of Ruth and DiMaggio and Mantle. But the thing where I did the jerkoff motion right in his face, that was totally me.

Wait, the Rangers are up 2-1 now? Fuck, let’s get outta here, this shit blows…whoah, the Yanks are back on top? FUCK YEAH! LET’S-GO-YAN-KEES! NEVER GIVE UP! BURNETT, YOU ARE A BEAST!

Jeter, why’d you hit your triple to center field? Shoulda hit it out here to right. I got a car battery under the seat, totally woulda beaned that stupid outfielder. He’d be all like, “Duh, I can’t catch the ball cuz my skull was crushed by a Duralast!”

Whoah, did that fan keep Gardner from grabbing a foul ball by the third base stands. YOU GOTTA REVIEW THAT, UMPS! WHAT THE FUCK! THAT COULD BE SOME RED SOX FAN DOWN THERE! Just some more anti-Yankee media bias, bro. Unbelievable!

Hey, wait a minute, who hit that home run? Bengie Molina? Never heard of him. I’ve been a Yankee fan since 1998 and that name does not ring a bell. UMPS, MAKE SURE HE’S REAL AND NOT A SOPHISTICED HOLOGRAM! YEAH, YOU LEAVE THE MOUND NOW, BURNETT, YOU FUCKIN HUMP!

Alright, now Joba’s in. He’s gonna right right the ship…ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDIN ME?! YOU FUCKIN SUCK, JOBA, YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT!

Bro, I’m out. This team has got no heart. No guts. They don’t see it through to the end like the old Yankee teams did. You wanna come with? I’m probably gonna stop at that one Hess station on the way home and abuse the African guys who pump the gas.

At least it’s football season. Got tickets for Giants-Cowboys in a coupla weeks. You’ll never guess what I’m gonna yell at Tony Romo…

Yeah, that’s right. Who told you?! WHO TOLD YOU MY HILARIOUS TONY ROMO ZINGER?!

*crush*

Bro, I’m sorry I had to smash you in the face with a car battery. I was emotional. It was the ghosts. If he was in my shoes, Jim Leyritz woulda done the same thing.

MLB Playoffs YouTubery: Rangers

To celebrate the advent this year’s MLB playoffs, which I am looking forward to with rapt anticipation (no, really), I’d like to do a few posts featuring YouTube finds representing each team that’s made their way to October. Next, the Rangers.

I was surprised to find a dearth of Rangers material on The YouTubes. Sure, they don’t have the biggest fanbase in the world, but they’ve existed for 40 years and have had some highlights over their history. None particularly spring to mind, but I’m sure they have some.

However, I did enjoy this ad in which a father browbeats his son into LARPing. Minimal baseball content, granted, but a baseball ad nonetheless.

The Rangers played at Shea Stadium in 2008 as part of interleague play. One game was rained out, inspiring several players (who I don’t think see too much precipitation back in Arlington) to play Slip n’ Slide on the infield tarp. This video was set to Rihanna’s “Umbrella” for some reason, which doesn’t quite fit the whimsical mood.

In the twilight of his career, Nolan Ryan pitched for the Rangers, and also lent his name to this electronic pitching game. I don’t remember this existing as a kid, but I totally would have wanted one. Hell, I want one now.

Nolan also endorse a Super Nintendo game, which I never played (I was more of a Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball guy, personally). Watching this video, I do not regret that oversight in my gaming life. Go to this video’s page and read the comments if you want to see people bitch about gameplay in a 20+ year-old video game.

Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2010 MLB Preview: AL West

scioscia.jpgANAHEIM ANGELS

2009 record: 97-65, AL West title, lost Championship Series to Yankees

Local weather: Suburban

Namesake: Theatre investors. Ziegfeld’s in the house tonight, everyone!

How much does Angels owner Arte Moreno look like a Walt Disney?: A disturbingly large amount.

Perpetually overused team-related
headline:
Angels in the Outfield. Lame, but at least it gives work to Christopher Lloyd.

Best name on 40-man roster: Maicer Izturis. I hate maicers to paicers!

The That Guy’s on This Team? Award: Hideki Matsui, whose salary should offset the cost of transporting his enormous porn collection from New York.

Spring standout: Catcher Mike Napoli, who’s clubbed 5 homers this spring and is in no way connected to The Mob. I don’t know why you’d think that. That’s racist.

Probable Opening Day starter: Jered Weaver, who looks just as baked as his brother, but is much more employed.

Biggest question for 2010: What tragic death will inspire the Angels this year?

Advantage to start the season: Insane Orange County traffic will prevent anyone from actually attending the games.

Semi-serious assessment: I was amazed to see that the Angels won 97 games last year. I think that result will be impossible to reproduce this year, as Seattle has improved by leaps and bounds. They lost John Lackey and added Joel Pineiro, who I predict will turn back into a pumpkin like most Dave Duncan projects do away from St. Louis. This year’s Angels have taken a step backward–not an enormous one, but not small enough to stave off the huge step forward taken by the Mariners.
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