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Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2011 MLB Preview: NL Central

CHICAGO CUBS

2010 record: 75-87

Biggest offseason acquisition: Matt Garza, who, along with Carlos Zambrano, could give the Cubs the angriest 1-2 pitchers in baseball.

Biggest offseason loss: Tom Gorzellany, on purely technical grounds.

Is this the year that the Cubs…: Whatever you were going to say, no.

Best name on 40-man roster: Welington Castillo, Dominican duke.

The That Guy’s on This Team? Award: Kerry Wood, whose presence here seems more weird than it should.

Spring standout: Last year’s star callup Starlin Castro has 12 RBIs and 4 home runs, which can only mean his untimely demise is imminent.

Probable Opening Day starter: I’m sure Zambrano has already made it abundantly clear to Mike Quade that he will start on Opening Day.

Biggest question for 2011: Has Alfonso Soriano been so underwhelming for so long he’s come all the way back around to being underrated?

Strengths: Idyllic ballpark with laissez faire attitude toward the wearing of shirts

Weaknesses: The oppressive weight of history

Semi-serious assessment: The Cubs are a little better than I first thought before taking a closer look at their lineup. Carlos Pena is a good fit for Wrigley, and Garza should fare well in the National League. I don’t know if it adds up to contending per se, but I think they’ll enjoy a solid season of not completely sucking.

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Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2010 MLB Preview: NL Central

harrycaray.jpgCHICAGO CUBS

2009 record: 83-78

Local weather: If you don’t like it, just wait a minute!* (* joke stolen from your grampa)

Namesake: The smaller partner in a “bear” relationship

Has it really been 102 years since they won a World Series?: Yes, but some days it only feels like 75.

Perpetually overused team-related headline: Lovable Losers. How many losers have you known that were lovable? Most losers are bitter, sour human beings.

Best name on 40-man roster: Esmailin Caridad, because when you’re Esmailin, the whole world esmailes with you.

The That Guy’s on This Team? Award: Kevin Millar. Or as he used to be known by guys named Sully, MILLAHHHHHH!

Spring standout: Youngster Tyler Colvin, who’s not only batting .468, but is also not a pitcher, so he can’t have a Kerry Wood/Mark Prior-style flameout.

Probable Opening Day starter: Carlos Zambrano, provided he doesn’t get into a scrape with a Gatorade cooler first.

Biggest question for 2010: In what ways will the fates cruelly toy with this team this season?

Advantage to start the season: Arctic conditions will adversely affect visiting teams who have not brought their own Sherpas.

Semi-serious assessment: Only the total shitshow that was the 2009 Mets prevented the Cubs from being the most disappointing team in baseball last season. I would expect them to improve, but they’re also relying on a number of players who’ve been hurt off and on the past few seasons (Zambrano, Derrek Lee, Alfonso Soriano, Aramis Ramirez). I could see the Cubs finishing anywhere on the continuum of success. Except winning the World Series, of course. That will never, ever happen. Ever.
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1999 Project: Game 161

Click here for an intro/manifesto on The 1999 Project.

October 2, 1999: Mets 7, Pirates 0

While the Mets prepared for the middle game of their series with the Pirates, art-lovers and curious souls lined up at the Brooklyn Museum to get their first view of “The Holy Virgin Mary”, a controversial mixed-media piece by Chris Ofili that had drawn the ire of Mayor Giuliani (Hizzoner’s main objection was that the mixed media included elephant dung). The debate over the artwork’s offensiveness (or lack thereof) had reached such a fevered pitch that it was now protected by a plexiglass shield and two guards.

Most people who actually bothered to go see the painting couldn’t fathom what the fuss was all about. Like Karen Masterson, who, despite being Catholic, didn’t find it offensive at all, and laughed at the small group of protestors handing out barf bags outside the museum. She availed herself of the free product anyway.

“We can use it later, when the Mets lose,” she said.

99_saturday_1002.pngSuch was the attitude of many Mets fans, after a string of nine games that had all but destroyed their season. But an inspiring (if slim) win on Friday night, combined with losses by Houston and Cincinnati, brought them only one game out of the playoff picture. Despite all the wounds they suffered down the stretch, the Mets were knocking on the door of the postseason.

Before the game on Friday, there seemed to be no hope whatsoever. Now, writers like Jack Curry of The New York Times wondered if everything was breaking their way after all.

How stunning would it be if the Mets wriggled into the post-season after the mess they caused by losing eight of their last nine? Almost as stunning as mishandling the four-game bulge they had in the wild-card race on Sept. 21. If the Mets win the wild card, they can laugh about the last two weeks. But those chuckles are at least 48 long hours away….

Before [Friday’s] victory, Piazza sheepishly mentioned that the Mets were not mathematically eliminated yet, and their chances improved last night. Someone reminded Piazza that the Mets could erase their pain with a memorable weekend and he mused, ”If the planets are lined up the right way, I guess that could happen.” Last night, they were perfectly aligned for the Mets. Finally.

The team’s fortunes had careened in so many directions in so little time that Rafael Hermoso of the Daily News provided a brief timeline of events of the last week, just so readers could keep track.
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