You know what was most unfuriating about Opening Night in baseball this year?

It wasn’t the fact that Opening Night itself is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord, as I’ve stated before. And not the fact that it involved the Braves and the Phillies, thus forcing me to root for The Meteor.

And it wasn’t the fact that I’d have to listen to an evening of idiocy with Joe Morgan; I just switched over to ESPN Deportes, where I can hear hilarious pronunciations of “Chase Utley” and “Jordan Schaefer”. It was the fact that I knew I wouldn’t see his performance completely dissected in an epic 10K-word takedown on Fire Joe Morgan.

Yes, I realized yesterday that this would be the first Opening Night in a few years without the benefit of FJM. How I miss it so. Can I talk to someone at The Office? Ken Tremendous needs to get back to Fremulon Insurance so he can make us all laugh about Hat Guy again.

All we have are the memories, I guess. IF you’re feeling nostalgic for sarcasm, try this post, in which Jon Heyman’s seething hatred of VORP is chewed up and spit out.