ATLANTA BRAVES

2010 record: 91-71, won wild card, lost division series to Giants

Biggest offseason acquisition: Dan Uggla, whose last name perfectly describes his powerful home run swing. And his fielding.

Biggest offseason loss: Closer Billy Wagner, now retired. Fuckin’ shocker.

How will the Braves deal with their first season without Bobby Cox since 1990?: Thanks to their talent and new manager Fredi Gonzalez, the team will be more than fine. I’d be more worried about Mrs. Cox.

Best name on 40-man roster: Jairo Asencio. You want white sauce and hot sauce with that?

The That Guy’s on This Team? Award: Scott Proctor, who still has something resembling a human arm left after working in a Joe Torre bullpen.

Spring standout: Brandon Beachy has pitched to a 1.13 ERA, assuring himself the fifth spot in the rotation and many dumb puns on his name from headline writers.

Probable Opening Day starter: Tim Hudson, who continues to piss me off for reasons I can’t quite articulate.

Biggest question for 2011: Can the Braves challenge the Phillies for the division title, and if so, will anyone in Atlanta notice?

Strengths: Good young bullpen, lack of crowds at playoff games lessens pressure

Weaknesses: Chipper Jones running out of creative ways to end his season

Semi-serious assessment: As you get older, your hates fade. The white-hot rage I once felt toward the Braves has dissipated almost entirely. It helps that only one figure from the 1990s/2000s team remains (LAAAAA-REEEEE). But it’s also due to them having a team of mostly-home-grown regulars like Brian McCann and Jason Heyward who are much harder to hate than Brian Jordan and Greg Maddux ever were. That extends to the bullpen, which contains a lot of great young arms like Craig Kimbrel and Chris Medlen, with not a John Rocker in the bunch (that I know of). I foresee another wild card in their future, and if the Phillies’ injury woes continue, a division title is not as insane an outcome as it looked this winter. But do humanity a favor and lose the Tomahawk Chop, wouldja?

Continue reading Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2011 MLB Preview: NL East →