Tag Archives: midterm elections

The People Have Grunted

boehner.jpgWASHINGTON–Midterm elections have gone overwhelmingly in favor of Republicans, giving them control of the House of Representatives and narrowing the Democratic majority in the Senate, thanks in large part to the growing influence of the Tea Party movement. Representative John Boehner, the presumed Speaker of the House for the next Congress, declared, “This election has sent an unmistakable message from the American people. And that message is, ANGRY!”

“We have heard your cries,” Boehner said, “your unfocused, rage-filled, blood-curdling cries. And in response to those cries, we say BLARGH! And we shall not stop saying BLARGH until the White House hears us!”

Rand Paul, newly elected senator from Kentucky, said he was motivated by the people he met along the campaign trail. “I heard many folks in my travels. From the man who said GAH! to the woman who said something that sounded like FERNBLOO!, to a number of other things I couldn’t quite make out because the people saying them were frothing out the mouth. Those words sustained me during this long campaign, although I think many of them do not technically qualify as words.”

The mood was reflected in ballot initiatives as well. In California, Proposition 13–also known as the GET OUT OF MY WAY! law–passed easily, while Michigan voted yes on HEY BUDDY, YOU LOOKIN TO FIGHT?!

With each Republican victory, Tea Party headquarters across the nation rejoiced with loud wall-punching and feces flinging. Ted Burlap, regional Tea Party director in Topeka, Kansas, reflected on his movement’s sudden success. “You have to understand, people are fed up with… ARGH!… DAMMIT!… SKRULB!… THERE’S A BLACK GUY IN THERE!”

President Obama said he looks forward to working with the newly elected Congressmen who have sworn to destroy him.

Midterm Clichés Stretched Dangerously Thin

After a night of primaries and special elections, scientists warn that the nation’s supply of midterm clichés has reached dangerously low levels.

“The news media and the candidates themselves are consuming these well-worn phrases at an alarming rate,” said Dr. Leonard Mackton of the JFK School of Government at Harvard University. “If the current rate of cliché usage continues unabated, there’s no way we’ll have enough old saws to go around come Election Day.”

The most striking example of this came at around midnight Eastern time, when NBC’s Andrea Mitchell said “enthusiasm gap” for the 8,478th time in two days, and the phrase had to be rushed to a local intensive care unit to be treated for exhaustion.

By three a.m., levels of “sending a message to Washington” had dropped so low that many thought the president would authorize use of the emergency cliché reserves, a move he has been reluctant to make during his administration. “The American people understand…” began President Obama by way of explanation, before that phrase collapsed in a heap from overuse.

“I want to warn the media and politicians that it’s a long way until November,” Dr. Mackton said, “but that cliché is now being carefully rationed.”