WASHINGTON–Midterm elections have gone overwhelmingly in favor of Republicans, giving them control of the House of Representatives and narrowing the Democratic majority in the Senate, thanks in large part to the growing influence of the Tea Party movement. Representative John Boehner, the presumed Speaker of the House for the next Congress, declared, “This election has sent an unmistakable message from the American people. And that message is, ANGRY!”
“We have heard your cries,” Boehner said, “your unfocused, rage-filled, blood-curdling cries. And in response to those cries, we say BLARGH! And we shall not stop saying BLARGH until the White House hears us!”
Rand Paul, newly elected senator from Kentucky, said he was motivated by the people he met along the campaign trail. “I heard many folks in my travels. From the man who said GAH! to the woman who said something that sounded like FERNBLOO!, to a number of other things I couldn’t quite make out because the people saying them were frothing out the mouth. Those words sustained me during this long campaign, although I think many of them do not technically qualify as words.”
The mood was reflected in ballot initiatives as well. In California, Proposition 13–also known as the GET OUT OF MY WAY! law–passed easily, while Michigan voted yes on HEY BUDDY, YOU LOOKIN TO FIGHT?!
With each Republican victory, Tea Party headquarters across the nation rejoiced with loud wall-punching and feces flinging. Ted Burlap, regional Tea Party director in Topeka, Kansas, reflected on his movement’s sudden success. “You have to understand, people are fed up with… ARGH!… DAMMIT!… SKRULB!… THERE’S A BLACK GUY IN THERE!”
President Obama said he looks forward to working with the newly elected Congressmen who have sworn to destroy him.