Tag Archives: john rocker

Me, Elsewhere: John Rocker and Johan Santana, Together At Last

I wanted to alert loyal Scratchbomb readers to a couple of posts I’ve penned elsewhere that went up in the last few days. First, for Vice, a look at creep ne plus ultra John Rocker, who’s just released his long awaited (by no one) memoirs entitled Scars and Stripes. (GET IT?) Rocker’s been making the rounds withe bottom-barrelest right wing news sites, and one such profile was the inspiration for my piece. Spoiler alert: I’m not a big fan!

One thing I’d completely forgotten about when I wrote this article (which is just as well, since it probably wouldn’t have fit) is how half-assed Rocker’s “apology” was when he came to New York for the first time after his infamous Sports Illustrated profile. While doing my research for Yells For Ourselves, I rediscovered coverage of his return to NYC, and it’s sickening how much he tries to weasel out of saying he’s sorry, like he’s Racist Fonzie.

Rocker recorded a video they played on Diamond Vision at Shea in which he said, among other things, “Many people perceived these comments to be malicious, and for this again I apologize.” In other words, It’s YOUR fault for being offended. “I am not the evil person that has been portrayed.” It’s the media’s fault for reporting exactly what I said.

Rocker’s the kind of bully who, if you punched him back, would run to the principal and insist you started the altercation. I realize that writing about him at all is just fuel for his warped fire, but good lord, he cannot fall off the face of the earth fast enough for me.

I also took time to write about non-horrible people. Last week, the Mets finally saw one of their pitchers throw a no hitter. Maybe you heard about it? It was a cause for much rejoicing, which is why I was so perturbed by a post at Deadspin that wondered if Mets fans wished another pitcher had done it. I disagree strenuously with that premise for several reasons. To find them all out, you’ll have to read this post I did for The Classical. Or, barring that, have someone read it to you.

Speaking of which, Jon Stewart’s piece on The Daily Show about attending Johan’s no-no with his family was heartwarming in a Jon Stewart-y sort of way. When it comes to baseball + children, I can get embarrassingly sentimental. This ESPN ad still brings a tear to the eye, and every time a broadcast shows a dad with a small kid in the stands, I get all misty. I’m sure the same is true for many parents who also sublimate their emotions into sporting events. Go team!

Jose Canseco: Your Friends Will Be There When Your Back Is to the Wall

canseco.jpgYo, Commish, I think I got this whole steroids-in-baseball thing figured out.

budselig.jpgYou mean that steroids-in-baseball thing you helped start.

canseco.jpgYeah! I just wanna meet with you and Donald Fehr to discuss some ideas about how to fix it.

budselig.jpgWe have it under control, Jose.

canseco.jpgClearly you don’t, if big superstars like Alex Rodriguez are getting caught. Now dig this: I go undercover as a major league baseball player and find out who’s supplying the dope! See, I used to be a major league baseball player, so it’ll come naturally!

budselig.jpgYes, you used to be a major league baseball player. A very famous one whose face will be instantly recognizable to everyone you meet.

canseco.jpgNo, see, I’ve been working with an acting coach, and he’s been teaching me these facial exercises that can make you look like a totally different person. See?

budselig.jpgThat’s just looks like you sticking your tongue out. And let’s not forget, you’re over 40 now. You’ll stick out like a sore thumb.

canseco.jpgBut I can totally fit in with the young player of today. I got a totally rad wardrobe. Check out this shirt!

budselig.jpgThat’s the worst thing human beings have ever worn.

canseco.jpgThat’s just for working out in the gym. Here’s what I’ll wear when I’m going out with the boys after the game.

budselig.jpgAh, my eyes! Listen, Jose, I think you need to let this go. One man can’t take down the entire steroid underground.

canseco.jpgOf course not! That’s why I’m recruiting my good friend and fellow recovering ‘roid user John Rocker to help me.

rocker.jpgWhen I’m done, ain’t gonna be no more homos or Puerto Ricans left in this league!

canseco.jpgJohn, we’re trying to take down steroids, not ethnically cleanse, remember?

rocker.jpg*pfft* I’m out.

canseco.jpgAlright, I guess Rocker’s gotten too big for the show.

budselig.jpgWhat show?

canseco.jpgSo that’s when I bring my younger brother who looks vaguely like me but is slightly less repulsive.

ozziec.gifDo we get paid up front? ‘Cause I haven’t eaten anything since I found a soy sauce packet in the street last night.

budselig.jpgJose, I won’t allow you to turn MLB into your own personal version of 21 Jump Street.

canseco.jpgCommish, this isn’t about me, or the vindication of my books, or my return to glory. Well, I mean, yeah, it mostly is, but it’s also about justice!

harry.jpgHey, can I join you guys?