Tag Archives: jay leno

Summer Blockbuster Previews Based On Their Fake Jay Leno Monologues

leno_movieDid you see the other day where a town in Ohio that was down on its luck reopened a huge factory that had been shuttered for years? They said you couldn’t manufacture in this country anymore, but these plucky workers proved the critics wrong! Seems they found a real growth industry: making Big Macs for Bill Clinton! Remember, he ate a lot of those? The 90s, guys!

Guys, did you see this thing where Dominic Terreto and his car-boosting crew have been offered immunity for their crimes if they help the feds capture a criminal mastermind? Oops, probably shouldn’t have mentioned the details of an undercover operation on the air like that. Really strange that I would know anything about that to begin with. Those guys are probably all dead now. Oh well.

Did you see in this thing in the papers, folks? Apparently this high school basketball team in San Diego has gone undefeated ever since they fired their old coach and replaced him with a dog! It’s true! Nothin’ in the rule book says a dog can’t coach basketball! He’s got the kids back to the fundamentals: passing, free throws, and fetch! Anyway, stick around, we got David Brenner coming up!

Did you see this, read this, hear about this? Apparently a guy made himself a millionaire by bootlegging and gambling and bought himself the fanciest house in West Egg, all to impress some girl he used to like named Daisy. Boy, did he ever just think of sitting on a flagpole or something? Thanks for tuning in to the Old Gold Joke Minute, folks. Not a cough in a carload!

Did you see this thing where a mechanic from New Jersey won the New Hampshire primary with his straight-shooting, no-nonsense approach? This guy came outta nowhere to shock all the pundits and make people believe in democracy again! They think he can land the nomination, but it’ll depend on if this part comes in from Detroit! Cars!

Did you see this thing where earth has been overrun by zombies and humanity may be doomed? Did you hear about this? Is anyone hearing this? Is anyone out there at all? I’m holed up in my underground garage, hiding behind a Stutz Bearcat. If anyone can hear me, a little tip for you guys: windshield wiper fluid is potable.

Did you see this thing where an elephant wants to sing instead of dance? Crazy! This is happening in a universe where we’re all CGI elephants who dance constantly, by the way. Thanks for tuning in, this is Jay El-Leno-phant.

Did you see this thing where aliens?

Folks, did you see this thing where the Iron Man is back? That’s all I can say. The producers only gave me my page of the script. And now, please welcome back the Dancing Itos!

YouTubery Friday: Dolph Lundgren, Jay Leno, and The Snowpocalypse

Haven’t you always dreamed of hearing Dolph Lundgren sing Elvis Presley? Of course you have. Don’t even try to pretend you haven’t. Guess what? YOU’RE IN LUCK! In fact, the whole human race is in luck, thanks to this video of Ivan Drago crooning “A Little Less Conversation”.

Actually, “crooning” is not the correct word. “Bellowing” is more accurate. His voice is kinda like Ted Cassidy’s, only not so vibrant and warm. I’ve heard very few things more bone chilling than Mr. Lundgren croaking “close your mouth and open up your heart.” It makes me think he wants to literally open up my heart, with a box cutter.

So no, Mr. Lundgren is not the interpreter of song that Elvis was. But could The King blast through five huge blocks of ice at once? Maybe, if he was really, really high.

As I’m sure you know, Jay Leno is the worst human being on the planet. So he thoroughly deserves this re-soundtracking of his reprehensible new ads for his return to The Tonight Show.

Finally, we’ve gotten a lot of snow lately ’round Scratchbomb HQ. While driving in the snow is no picnic, I find nothing funnier than watching cars slide and careen under such conditions (as long as no one gets hurt, of course). I like to consider myself a connoisseur of Snow Crash videos. As such, I present to you this sample as the pinnacle of the art form.

“Classic” Scratchbomb: Pouring on the Jay Leno Haterade

leno.jpgWhile we’re on the subject of hating the manipulative back-stabbing hack, let’s take a trip down memory lane, all the way to last year, when Jay Leno was desperately trying to recruit an audience for his horrible, horrible 10pm show.

Jay Leno Says Watch The Jay Leno Show! (09.09..09)

Jay Leno Would Really Like You to Watch The Jay Leno Show! (09.10.09)

Jay Leno Wants to Know if You’re Going to Watch The Jay Leno Show (09.14.09)

NBC Explains its Jay Leno Strategy

jayleno.jpgSimply put, Jay Leno is one of the most compelling entertainers in the world today. We defy you to think of a more immortal comedy routine than Jaywalking. Iron Jay is perhaps the most beloved character of all time. And when the history of humor is written, the works of Mark Twain and James Thurber will pale in comparison to The Dancing Judge Itos.

Jay Leno is a resource we can not afford to lose. If we don’t cater to his every whim, we have to assume he would take his classic cars and race track and march over to ABC or FOX, and take his entire audience with him. We also have to assume said audience includes the tens of millions of Americans currently avoiding his 10pm show in droves.

Therefore, we are reinstating Jay Leno into the 11:35pm slot. His program will run until 7am, preempting the first two hours of The Today Show. But don’t worry, Matt Lauer fans. Matt will get his own breakfast-time segment on Jay’s show, where Jay and him show you how to prepare eggs from the inside of a 1932 Ford roadster.

But this is only the first phase of our new Jay Leno-based programming schedule. Jay will appear in current the NBC programs Chuck, Mercy, and Heroes. Not in cameo appearances, but as a regular character named Jay Leno, who will deliver monologues at critical junctures during each episode. He will also receive 15 minutes of live airtime during each episode of Parks and Recreation to do whatever he wants. Headlines, Mini-Jay, change sparkplugs on one of his Hudson Hornets–the possibilities are endless!

And there’s even more good news, Jay Leno fans! Starting this fall, Jay will star in a new, 90 minute drama, Jay and the Jalopy, in which he and a talking robotic Stutz Bearcat solve mysteries.

As for Conan O’Brien, we had high hopes when we asked him to take over The Tonight Show. However, the ratings have been somewhat disappointing, and we feel these low ratings have adversely affected the audience for Jay’s show. It’s our theory that people aren’t watching Conan, and thus aren’t keeping their TVs tuned to NBC throughout the following 21.5 hours until Jay’s show is on. There really is no other explanation for people refusing to watch Jay Leno!

However, we greatly appreciate Conan keeping the seat warm for Jay during this past year. And we will recognize that appreciation with a special ceremony in the NBC commissary, where we will give Conan a very nice watch and a gift certificate to Bed Bath and Beyond.

Some may say this strategy is short-sighted, that it ignores the younger, more connected audience that loves Conan and will not watch Jay Leno under any circumstances. To these concerns, we would like to respectfully plug our ears with our fingers and yell loudly LA LA LA WE’RE NOT LISTENING!!

Jay Leno Wants to Know if You’re Going to Watch the Jay Leno Show!

Thumbnail image for jayleno.jpgHey, have you thought about watching The Jay Leno Show? If not, have you thought about thinking about it?

Did you catch my interview with Bob Costas during the Packers-Bears game last night? I even worked in a timely zinger about Brett Favre! Oh, but I kid Brett Favre, of course! That’s what the show’s gonna be like–we’re gonna be right on top of the news!

Wait, you didn’t see my interview with Costas? How about the seven billion promos NBC ran over the weekend? No? You don’t watch NBC, huh? Well, couldja? Just once, for Jay?

I don’t think you understand! This is going to be a comedy show! A comedy show at 10 pm! Do you understand how groundbreaking this is? The answer is: pretty groundbreaking!

Tell you what: Watch it once! If you don’t like it, I’ll give you your money back! I know what you’re thinking: Jay, network TV doesn’t cost me anything! Zing! That’s the kind of laugh-riot comedy you can expect on my show!

But what if I paid you? You’d have to watch it then, right? You’d have to watch it!

Oh, I know you’re going to love this! Did you know NBC built me a racetrack outside the studio? It’s true! Sometimes I’ll take a few laps out there with awesome celebrity guests! And sometimes we’ll flood the tarmac and stage historic naval battle recreations with vinatge cars! Watch this week, when me, Jerry Seinfeld, and a fleet of Hudson Hornets stage the Battle of Trafalgar!

Do you know what we’re gonna have? Comedy correspondents! They’re gonna go across the nation ‘reporting’ on the stories that matter to you! No show has ever done that before! At least not at 10 pm on network TV! With comedy!

Who wants ice cream? I’ll run out and get ice cream for everyone! Does that sound cool?

Are you excited about Rock Band: Beatles? I’ll buy this intern named Jim a floppy wig and he’ll play “I Feel Fine”! If you know Jim, it’ll be hilarious!

I will do anything! Literally anything! Are there limits to what I’ll do? Trust me, you don’t want to find out!

We bought one of the world’s largest HD monitors, exclusively to project closeups of Jay’s Headlines to our studio audience! Isn’t that ridiculous? NBC paid for it with all the money they’ll save by not hiring writers and directors and actors for whatever they would’ve shown at 10 pm instead of me!

I can’t go out on the road again, folks! It’s this or a bath with a toaster! You don’t want my blood on your hands, do you? Of course not!

NBC! Proud as a peacock!

Jay Leno Would Really Like You to Watch The Jay Leno Show!

Thumbnail image for jayleno.jpgHey guys, have you thought about watching the Jay Leno Show when it debuts next Monday? It’s gonna be blast! Guests! Comedy! Things on the news!

Boy, I wish I was on TV right now! Did you see that Obama health speech yesterday? Crazy! Boy, I’d have a few zingers ready for Joe Wilson. Then I’d also have a few for Obama, just to even it out! I like to give it to both sides! I think that’s why people like me! I’m fair!

But you should still tune in! We’re gonna have so many surprises, you won’t believe it! I just got an original user’s manual from a 1969 Lotus Super 7 Series 3! And I’ll read the whole thing, live on the air!

Watch as I play a hilarious prank on Chuck‘s Zachary Levi! He’ll order a tuna wrap from the craft services truck, but we’ll send him a turkey club and insist it’s tuna! You’ll crack up at as he exhibits mild frustration over the matter!

Did you know when I was in college, I was voted Most Likely To Continue to Exist? It’s true!

Thrill as I realize one of my lifelong dreams: drop-kicking a pumpkin across the Grand Canyon! And they said it couldn’t be done!

You guys like Twitter, right? If I did something with Twitter, would you tune in then?

We’re doing stuff for the troops, too! As soon as the first show wraps, we’ll burn it to DVD and send it to one lucky army base in Fallujah! That army base will then send it to another, and so on, until every man and woman in uniform gets to see it! Which should happen some time in 2017!

Adam Levine from Maroon 5 will stop by to restring his guitar–live!

I’m bringing back Iron Jay! But this time, it will be an actual iron statue of me! We’ll travel to a working foundry in Youngstown, Ohio to watch it be forged!

Do you like that guy Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs? Me too! If we had him on the show, would you tune in?

You’ll love the spin-off of my Headlines segments: Mastheads! You won’t believe some of the crazy names these editors have!

It’s so cold outside the spotlight, so tune in! If you don’t, I’ll have to be on the road 290 days a year because I hate my family! Come home to NBC!

Jay Leno Says Watch the Jay Leno Show!

jayleno.jpgHello, America! This is Jay Leno telling you to watch the new Jay Leno show, which premieres next Monday at 10pm! We’re gonna have lots of exciting guests and so many surprises, you won’t believe it! 

Remember that car I drove in the commercials for my new show, the racecar with 10 on the side? I’m gonna try and eat it live on the air! It could take me all week! Can the human stomach digest a carburetor? Guess you’ll have to tune in to find out!

Join me for Jay’s Wacky Pranks! I go down to the Hall of Records and try to legally change my name to Jey Leyneaux. It’ll blow their minds! And yours!

Ever seen human chess? You’ve never seen it like this, played with the Supreme Court justices and the surviving members of the 1979 world champion Pittsburgh Pirates! Will Kent Tekulve be a pawn or a rook? We’ll see!

Bring in a homemade casserole and I’ll judge it on a scale of 1 to 10!

An old favorite will join us: Joan Embry from the San Diego Zoo! And I’ll get up close and personal with a rhesus monkey! What does he do on my shirt? I can’t say, but I’ll give you a hint: it starts with “P” and ends with “urinate”!

Join me when I take a tour of the Rawlings Golf Center in Reseda, as they hand-assemble my custom golf cart! If you’ve ever wondered how cup holders are made, wonder no more!

Are you excited about the new hit animated movie Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs? So am I! That’s while I’ll be throwing hamburger meat from the roof of our studio! If you’re lucky enough to be walking down the street at the time, you get to keep up to half of whatever lands on you!

Juggling! I’m gonna learn how to juggle! You guys like juggling, right?

World champion whistler Dave Morris will thrill us with his rendition of Wagner’s entire Ring Cycle!

I’ll do an entire monologue without using the letter ‘e’! Does that sound interesting? What must I do to get your eyes on me?! I need your attention! I’ll shrivel up and die outside of the spotlight!

The Jay Leno Show starring Jay Leno! Let’s all be there!

Jay Leno and the Persistence of Mediocrity

There are times when I feel profoundly disconnected from humanity. Like, I operate on a completely different wavelength than the rest of the world. These moments tend to occur whenever I turn on the TV. Or read anything online. Or leave the house.

I realize this is an extremely childish and narcissistic POV. Everyone feels different–Free to Be You and Me taught me that. Well, that and the inherent creepiness of baby puppets.

But how am I supposed to feel, gentle reader, when I’m told that the entire world is all a-twitter at the news that Jay Leno will host a 10pm talk show, and I think to myself, Wow, Jay Leno still exists?

I mean, seriously, people are excited about this? No one has ever been excited by anything Jay Leno has ever done. I challenge you to convince me otherwise.

leno.jpgI still don’t understand how Jay Leno got to be Johnny Carson’s successor. Who let that happen? Shouldn’t that have been reviewed by the Council of Things That Make No Damn Sense?

Johnny Carson was witty and urbane, a gifted comedian and a master interviewer. No one has ever used any of those words to describe Jay Leno, except prefaced with the word “not”.

People still talk about sketches Johnny Carson used to do on The Tonight Show. You see clips of his most famous celebrity interviews on TV all the time. Jon Stewart imitates him at least once a night. He remains the gold standard by which all late night fare is judged.

You think they’ll sell “The Best of Jay Leno” DVDs some day? Nope, and you will never say this to your grandkids:

Back in my day, we all used to gather ’round the television and watch The Jay Leno Program. I still remember the time he found a midget version of himself! And the time Kevin Eubanks pretended to laugh at his monologue for the 8 millionth time! Oh, it was magic!

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