Tag Archives: health care reform

The Tenets of Boehner-Care

boehner.jpgAs threats against Democratic Congressmen mount across the country, I get asked the same question over and over: John, isn’t that awesome? Yes, it is very awesome.

I also get asked another question: Why don’t you say speak out against these terrible threats? Let me first answer this question with a statement: Screw you. And now let me answer the question with another question” Why should I?

See, I didn’t oppose health care reform because I thought it was socialistic or unconstitutional. I opposed health care reform because I am opposed to health. No one should be healthy! And there’s nothing more unhealthy than being dead.

Look at me, for instance. Sure, I may look decent in this very expensive suit, but trust me, this Brooks Brothers exterior hides a veritable cesspit of a body. Every morning, I drink a delicious shake made of two kinds of half-and-half (the milk kind and the drink mix kind), crushed Snickers, and pulverized Cheetos, covered by candied bacon bits. I can’t blink without sweating. And I demand that all of America enjoy the same kind of horrid physical condition!

This is why in the next Congressional session, I will introduce legislation to smallpox-idize America’s water supply. That should help combat the healthy effects of the fluoride we foolishly threw in the drinking water in the 60s. I also have great hopes for my proposal to mail envelopes full of Ebola to random citizens and start pandemic flare ups every few weeks. It’ll be like that movie Outbreak, except no Dustin Hoffman. By that point, we’ll have passed my law that will cause him to die by mercury poisoning.

But please, understand this: My anti-health position does not in any way run counter to my anti-abortion stance. I believe unborn life is precious and sacred and anyone who thinks otherwise should have to drink some of my altered tap water. Of course, once that child transitions from unborn to actually born, then all bets are off. Because I believe that all newborn children should be injected with a crippling amount of hepatitis.

“I Now Recognize the Distinguished Gentlemen from Crazytown”

pelosi.jpgBefore we take vote on this historic health care reform legislation, I yield some time on the floor to the cream of the Republican kookadook crop. First up, the distinguished gentleman from Georgia, Representative Paul Broun.

paulbroun.jpgThis just ain’t health care reform they’re passin, folks. This is the second great war of Yankee aggression! And I for one ain’t gonna stand for it! I’ve bought a Civil War-era musket, I’m workin on a beard, and I’ve written a soulful, somber letter back home to my wife, which I request be recited by Robert Duvall.

pelosi.jpgYour time is up, Mr. Broun. I now yield time to the distinguished gentleman from Iowa, Representative Steve King.

steveking.jpgThe fact that this bill is being voted on on a Sunday, during Lent, I find this an affront to God. Because this year for Lent, I gave up giving a shit about other human beings.

Continue reading “I Now Recognize the Distinguished Gentlemen from Crazytown”

Joe Lieberman for Noregretifan

lieberman.jpgPeople always ask me, “Joe, after you’ve cozied up with insurance bigwigs and blocked health care reform for no reason but to grab the national spotlight and stroke your own ego, how can you sleep at night?”

The answer is, Like a baby! Now that I have Noregretifan, that is!

Nogretifan is not an ordinary sleeping pill, and it’s not for everyone. Because Noregretifan is designed specifically for people like me. People who’ve done, horrible, unforgiveable things in their lives, yet still want a good night’s sleep!

Just listen to these testimonials!

I had a terrible time getting rest after I hid my mother’s death from the authorities so I could continue cashing her Social Security checks! Noregretifan took care of that! If only Nogretifan could take care of that terrible smell from my attic! — Bill S., Des Moines, IA

I hit a midlife crisis and left my wife and kids for some skank half my age. You wouldn’t think I could get any shut-eye at all. But I can, thanks to Noregretifan! — Mark D., Vallejo, CA

I know a man like me doesn’t deserve to sleep at night. Hell, I laid off half my staff last year and still pulled in a big Christmas bonus! Luckily, Noregretifan helps me keep my nightly date with The Sandman!  — Allan W., New York

How does Noregretifan work? Is it addictive? Does it have any side effects? I don’t know, and I don’t want to know! I have enough things on my mind as it is! All I know is, it keeps those nasty voices out of my brain when my head hits the pillow. You know, all those voices that tell me I’m doing something really selfish and petty that could lead to the impoverishment and death of millions of my fellow Americans!

Whether you’re a legislator with a Napoleon complex, a tionhorn tyrant, or just your average workaday sociopath, ask your doctor about Noregretifan! If you’re one of the dwindling number of Americans who can afford go to the doctor, that is!