Hello. Hope your new year was pleasant enough for you.
In the spirit of newness, resolutions, new beginnings, and all that crap, I am launching a brand new podcast called Replacement Players. The basic premise is this: I unearth broadcasts of old games from the Vast and Dusty Scratchbomb Video Archives. I ask friends of mine to watch them, friends who watched these games when they originally aired but haven’t seen them in a long time. Then, we’ll get together to discuss how our memories of the game both jive and clash with what we saw in the preserved broadcast. There will also be much discussion of old commercials and cheesy graphics, because low hanging fruit is delicious.
If you want to read a little bit more about this and hear an audio intro for the podcast, check out this post on the official Replacement Players webbed-site. You can also subscribe to the podcast on iTunes here, and search for it on the iTunes Store as well if you prefer to do things the hard way.
The very first full episode will launch next Monday, January 7, with a truly awesome guest talking about a truly insane game. I am putting the finishing touches on this debut episode now and I cannot wait to unveil it for you.
If this sounds like it’s up your alley, tell your friends, tell your enemies, tell your friends again. The word, it must be spread. Many thanks for your continued support of my insane endeavors.
Republicans blast health care reform when it fails to prevent millions of Americans from dying of a mysterious ailment called “natural causes”!
Our preconceived notions of self are challenged when scientists discover we only use 10 percent of our feet!
Glenn Beck will debate the wisdom of hoarding gold in a live debate against the corpse of William Jennings Bryan!
A surge in patriotism forces IHOP to change its name to The Domestic-Only House of Pancakes!
Lady Gaga declares herself the 51st state, and Congress proves powerless to stop her!
The Ford Sojourn debuts, a brand new car that can 100 miles on a single tank of gas, but only in reverse!
Jay Leno wins back his audience with a nightly classic car wreck! Millions tune in to see if the talk show host will be seriously injured!
Iran definitively proves it has no ambitions to make nuclear weapons when Mahmoud Ahmedinejad “pinkie swears” so to UN inspectors!
A hot new restaurant will make a big splash with an all-ramen menu!
In effort to keep World Series ratings from dipping even further, commissioner Bud Selig orders the Yankees to play themselves in The Fall Classic!
Urban fashion trendsetters start wearing spats, “just to fuck with everybody”!
At some point, every person in America will think to themselves, “Wait, wasn’t Tiger Woods in trouble for something a while back?”!
2009 here. Remember me? Doesn’t ring a bell? I’ll give you a hint: I’m the year you’ve been bad mouthing for the last month. Yeah, that one.
I heard what you guys said about me. What a horrible year. Can’t wait for this year to be over. Next year’s gotta be better than this one. You people think I’m deaf? Or do you just hate me so much you don’t give a shit whether I hear you or not? Insensitive assholes.
You didn’t have a shitty year, okay? Shitty things happened to you during the year. That’s not my fault. A year is just a timeline on which events occur. If somebody runs a red light and hits your car, do you blame the street? I don’t think so.
It’s not my job to make sure your life runs smoothly. How about taking responsibility for your own actions instead of a buncha squares on the calendar? Believe me, if I had the power to make people’s lives harder, you woulda had a lot rougher time this year during me.
And did anyone ever thank me for continuing the march of time and keeping it from coming to a grinding halt? No, of course not. Assholes.
At my wrap party, I told 2010, “Everybody loves you now, but just wait until December. People were once cursing 2008 and begging me to begin, you know.” He just nodded and turned away to chat up some chick. Stupid punk. Think he knows everything. He’ll learn the hard way. They always do.
This time next year, when you’re cursing out 2010 and wishing for the good old days of me, you know where I’ll be? On a beach somewhere, laughing my ass off. Good luck this year, you pricks. You’re gonna need it.
As the year draws to a close, Scratchbomb pays tribute to all the icons who did not pass away in the past 12 months.
In defiance of medical science, the laws of physics, and the sensibilities of all those with ascetically healthy lifestyles, Keith Richards remains among the living.
Despite an ad campaign that seemed to indicate the contrary, Jesse James is not a dead man.
I could have sworn Margaret Thatcher died, like, three years ago. Turns out she’s still alive. Sorry, Maggie!
Dick Cheney is included here, though his case is kind of a gray area, as he belongs to the ranks of the bloodthirsty undead.
Known to millions as the “fast talker” from dozens of commercials over the last 25 years, John Moschitta is not entertaining angels with the rapid-fire speech techniques that delighted millions, as he is still with us.
Rip Taylor: Still throwing confetti, still not dead. Way to go, Rip!
Also still alive: Rip Torn. All in all, a good year for Rips!
Can you imagine if Michael Jackson and Madonna had died in the same year? That’d be BANANAS! They didn’t, though.
The existence of a just and loving god continued to be challenged by the fact that Jim Belushi is still alive and his brother John is still dead.
As of press time, no one has beaten Tucker Max to death.
Honorable mention: 6.8 billion other humans, give or take.