The Mets need a proven winner like me to take them to the next level. I know what it takes to build from the ground up, because I have built an empire renowned and respected the world over, and all I started with was an insane amount of inherited wealth. My face alone guarantees tens of millions in additional revenue from people who are dumb enough to buy anything with the word TRUMP on it.
First thing’s first: the Wilpons gotta go. They’ve proven they can’t run a business. Do you know they haven’t gone bankrupt even once? I’ve done it three times already! To me, that shows lack of initiative.
Next, we sign a big time free agent to get some fannies back in the seats. Who’s the most recognizable athlete in the world? That’s right, Tiger Woods. I am prepared to offer him a $500 million/year contract. I know he doesn’t play baseball, but people will show up to see if he can, or at least to shout really horrible things at him.
If The Apprentice has proven anything, it’s that people love to watch celebrities fight while trying to run fake businesses. So I’d kick Sandy Alderson and The Nerd Herd to the curb, and bring in my own front office: Star Jones, Danny Bonaduce, Janice Dickinson, Spencer Pratt, and one of the kids from Glee or something. We’d film them screaming at each other about trades or making pizzas or whatever, sell the footage to NBC, and make a series about it. And possibly a line of towels, too. We’re still working it out.
The team gets revenue and publicity, the people get something entertaining to watch. It’s a no-lose situation. At the box office, anyway. The team itself would probably lose a lot on the field, but that’s the price of fame, folks.
Then, I get Bloomberg to build us a brand new stadium on top of one of my luxurious condos on the West Side. CitiField is ancient history–its practically three years old! My proposed Trump Grounds at Trump Stadium will be the world’s first sports arena situated 750 feet above the ground. I’m told heavy winds might be a factor and the players will probably have to wear oxygen masks. But do you want comfortable playing conditions or glitz and glamor? Can’t have both, people.
And in any case, we’ll make up for the lack of breathable air with some Trump Ultra-Luxury Boxes. You can’t even walk past them for less than 50 grand. They’ll have all the features of my iconic Trump buildings, with gold lined everything, and one of those fountains with a naked chick in it, cuz that’s classy. This aesthetic will appeal to Russian oil billionaires and hip-hop artists living off of hit singles from 1997.
After that? I dunno, I’ll probably get bored, sell the team off for scrap, and buy a new helicopter or something.