Tag Archives: factory wrapped douches

Joe Torre Revisits History

fran1.jpgWelcome b-hack to the Mike Francesa program. My guest is Joe Torre, who wrote a book that’s pretty interestin. Pretty interestin. If you like books that are interestin, you will like dis book. Lotta headlines outta dis book. Lotta big news. It’s a book with a lotta stuff in it. A book made of pages.
torre2.jpgThanks, Mike, I think you summed it up pretty well.
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So Joe, has the passage of time led you to rethink certain things about your years as a manager?
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Well, back in 2000 I defended Roger Clemens pretty hard when he beaned Mike Piazza, and when he threw a bat at him in the World Series. I now have some reason to suspect that steroids might have had something to do with his behavior.
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What l-hed you to that conclusion?
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I watched the World Series footage. With my eyes.

Continue reading Joe Torre Revisits History

Vehicular Homicide (of Your Own Dignity)

Speaking of commutes, my morning trip to work involves a lengthy walk once I de-bus. And on my way to the office, I saw a car with several hats in the back window. One of them said ALLENDALE TEQUILA TEAM.

My first thought was, Does this belong to a contestant on Tool Academy? But it was a Honda Civic, and I picture guys from that show driving souped-up Camaros with spinny rims and purple neon around the license plate.

So who could this car possibly belong to? It has to be the kind of person who (1) would actually purchase such a hat, or accept it as a gift from someone, and (2) be so proud of it that they’d display it in their car, and (3) be dumb enough to not think twice about such a move.

Because that’s totally what you want cops to see while you’re driving: an article of clothing in your car that says THERE’S A BETTER THAN 50% CHANCE THIS GUY’S DRUNK RIGHT NOW. I can’t see any way that could lead to you getting pulled over.

Because there are many alcoholic beverages that can be appreciated without inebriation, but tequila is not one of them. If you’re drinking tequila, you have one goal: getting sloshed. And if you have a hat advertising your membership in a TEQUILA TEAM, that further implies that you are extremely dedicated to getting effed up as much as possible.

I almost wanted to stick around and wait for this guy to get back to his car. But either he would be exactly what I think he is–some fat mess in a sweatshirt that says SHIT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PARTY NAKED–or a hipster who put the hat their for its ironic value. Best to marvel at the sight and move on.

Mike Francesa, Presidential Scholar

fran1.jpgMy New Year’s Resolution was to stop listening to WFAN, apart from Mets games and the occasional Schmooze. I’ve been tuning in to that station practically my whole life, and ramped up my listenership back in the days when I wrote a now-defunct sports blog.

But now WFAN just makes me angry. And not Dynamic Anger, which pisses you off so much it inspires to do bigger and better things. It pisses me off to hear so many ill-informed opinions and caveman sensibilities and thinly veiled racism.

And then on top of everything, they added Craig Carton to their morning program, who is made from the slats at the bottom of the barrel. The epitome of everything that is wrong and stupid and adolescent about radio.

Listening to WFAN now is the audio equivalent of finishing a huge bag of Cheetos all by yourself. You’ll get absolutely no nutrition from it and you’ll feel sick and wrong and ashamed afterwards. There’s nothing to be gained from the exercise except orange fingers.

Here’s the thing, though: I have this Pavlovian response whenever I go to the bathroom in my house. It stems from the baseball season: whenever I go to use the facilities, I flip on the radio on top of the toilet so I won’t miss any of whatever game I’m watching. Except that now it doesn’t matter if any game is on. I do it anyway.

I’ve been pretty good about curbing this impulse lately, but this Monday I wasn’t, and I heard about 20 seconds of Mike Francesa that infuriated me so much that I couldn’t even bring myself to write about them until today.

Francesa was talking about the inauguration, which was a big red flag right off the bat. Whenever Francesa talks about anything other than sports, batten down the hatches. It’s bad enough when he talks about music or movies. He loves to pretend he’s Paulina Kael, if Pauline Kael had completely middle-of-the-road taste in everything. “You know who’s a pretty good director? Steven Spielberg!”

But when politics enter the picture, oh lord. I caught his show on election day, just as I was leaving work, when it was slowly dawning on everyone that Obama was probably gonna win big time. You could hear how much this realization was killing him. It was so sweet, because in his voice you could hear the panicked thoughts of every Wall Street asshole and moneyed buffoon in the land. “Oh no, now I’m gonna take home only several million dollars a year instead of many millions! I might have to sell my third house!”

All he could get out was, “Hey, Obama ran a brilliant campaign, what can I say?” He said it in the same condescending way he begrudgingly hands out compliments to the Mets (granted, they rarely give him cause to do so).

If you do nothing for the next 4 years, Obama, thank you for that moment.

So day before the inaguration, the biggest one of our lifetimes, possibly the biggest ever, what is Francesa talking about? He’s complaining about all the inauguration balls and how much money they’re gonna cost. How it’s not right to be spending so much dough during this time of financial hardship. “Hey, I got nothing against him. He’s my president too!” he was quick to add.

You know, Mikey, your argument might track a bit better if your show wasn’t simulcast on the YES Network, the channel owned by the team that just spent $400 MILLION DOLLARS ON THREE PLAYERS.

I’m sure Francesa would counter with the fact that the Yankees are a private corporation. Well, they are and they aren’t. After all, they just had THE CHROME-PLATED BALLS TO BEG NEW YORK CITY FOR MORE
BONDS TO FINISH THEIR 1 BILLION DOLLAR MONUMENT TO THEMSELVES.

Now, to be fair, the Mets asked for (and received) extra bonds for their stadium, too. But they just didn’t spend almost half a billion dollars on players before doing so, then turn around and cry poverty to the city (even though, after Bernie Madoff, Fred Wilpon can probably cry poverty). They also don’t have a paid mouthpiece on their own network bitching about somebody else’s “misuse” of public funds.

I don’t recall Francesa saying word one about the Yankees feeding from
the public trough in such a brazen manner after unloading dump trucks
full of cash on free agents’ doorsteps. So don’t play like you’re all of a sudden concerned about wastes of public money, you fat mess.

I mean, what’s more gross a use of public moneys: celebrating the inauguration of a president, or making A.J. Burnett richer?

Jeff Kent Play No More

jeff-kent.jpgYeah, I’m done with baseball. Played 17 seasons, had a lotta highs, lotta lows. Never won a championship, but hey, you can say that about a lot of the greats.

And I am one of the greats, by the way. You reporters write that down, or so help me, I will snap your necks like sourdough pretzels.

I’ll miss lots of things about the game. I’ll miss putting on the Dodger blue. Especially at spring training time. Every year at Vero Beach, I used to try and “accidentally” tip over Tommy Lasorda. Watching that guy struggle and wriggle around on his back is the funniest thing you’ll ever see. When he’s on the ground, the guy is like a turtle. A turtle packed full of undigested pasta.

And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how much I’ll miss the sweet, sweet road beef that awaited me at every hotel we stayed at. Your ladies’ indiscriminate taste in athlete wang served me well.

Oh, and if any of you are considering a paternity suit, I’d just like to remind you that my lawyer will crush you like grapes. Cheers!

My proudest achievement? I guess it’s being in the top ten of All-Time Guys Who Everyone’s Glad Never Won a Championship. Yeah, being up there with Barry Bonds and Dan Marino and Karl Malone, it’s kind of humbling. I mean, it would be if I had any humility at all.

P.S.: I don’t.

My biggest regret? I wish I’d kicked more children. It was so easy to do! When you’re a big time athlete like myself, kids come up to you all the time and ask for your autograph. You just fly that leg right out there and pretend you had a muscle spasm.

Y’ever kick a kid wearing shorts? Just cleat on bone. Oh, it’s great.

Sure, I did it a couple of times, but I was always like “Oh, you’re gonna get sued!” and “Hey, just kick the next kid!” I didn’t realize that one day, there would be no next kid to kick. Youth is wasted on the young.

Oh, and old people. Wish I’d punched more old people. The only thing that comes close to kicking a kid is punching a dessicated, wrinkly face.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for the beginning of my super awesome motocross career.

Playoff Preview: Cardinals at Panthers with Matt Leinart

Today, we preview this weekend’s playoff games with a whole buncha celebrity guests. To discuss the exciting Carolina-Arizona matchup, here’s Cardinals backup QB, Matt Leinart.

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Last weekend, the Cardinals played their first home playoff game in over 60 years. It must have been exciting to be a part of that historic event.

Yeah, whatevs. Mind if I burn one? Coach was really ridin’ my ass in practice today. I’m like, “Sheesh, it’s not like I’m gonna play,” and he’s all like, “blah blah what if something happens to Warner?” Total buzzkill.

Um, okay. After enjoying so much success at USC, is it hard to sit on the sidelines and watch Kurt Warner take charge, or are you just happy to be along for the ride?

Bro, the only thing that’s hard is me, when I’m checkin’ out the primo babeage in the crowd. Runnin’ slant routes in my pants, if you know what I mean.

Eww…So what does Arizona need to do take care of business in Carolina this weekend?

An experienced wingman and endless Jagerbombs for the ladies. Keep ’em comin’!

I was talking about the game.

So was I bro–the game of ‘tang. And when you play that game with the Lein-man, you always win. You just strap in for three minutes of pure adrenaline.

Ick. Wow, you really are a factory-wrapped douche, aren’t you?

Got a Sonic ’round here? I could drink like a hundred of them cheesecake shakes.

SB prediction: Panthers 28, Cardinals 10.

Mike and the Mad Dog Fall Down the Memory Hole

December 18, 2007

fran1.jpgSo baseball’s Winter Meetings have concluded, and it looks like the Yankees and the Red Sox are about to get in a bidding war for Johan Santana. And of course, we all know that this will end with #57 in pinstripes, taking his place among the pantheon of
great Yankee hurlers: Whitey Ford, Catfish Hunter, Carl Pavano…

maddog1.jpgMikey, tell you what, Hank Steinbrenner is playing this perfectly. When you’re negotiating with another GM, the best thing to do is change your mind over and over again, and talk about it publicly all the time. There’s absolutely no way that could backfire and make you look like a spoiled three-year-old.

fran1.jpg And the Mets *snicker* say that they’re making a play for Santana, but we all know they don’t have the horses to pull this off. I mean, the Yankees are offering Melky Cabrera, for crying out loud. What Mets prospect could possibly compare to Melky Cabrera?

maddog1.jpgYou’re a thousand percent right, Mikey. The Mets are NOT in the mix here. The only way I see them landing Santana is if the front offices of the Yanks and Sox are destroyed by two separate meteors striking the Earth simultaneously.
fran1.jpg Listen, I’ve been talking with Omar Minaya. I talk with important people all the time. And he told me that the Twins are asking for David Wright, Jose Reyes, and Carlos Beltran’s first born son. And even if he agreed to that deal, there’s still NO WAY that package compares to the Yankees’ offer of Ian Kennedy and some guy in the minors whose name escapes me.

January 15, 2008

fran1.jpgIt’s been pretty quiet in the Hot Stove League, but there’s some rumblings that the Santana sweepstakes could be ending very soon. There’s reports that the Mets have become the favorites to land the lefty, which frankly, I do not believe. I have a LOT of
contacts in the industry, and everyone tells me that the Twins piss on the Mets’ prospects. Literally. I heard Bill Smith sent a jar of his
urine to the New Orleans Zephyrs.

maddog1.jpgMikey, the Mets are NOT gonna spend the kind of money it’ll take to sign Johan Santana. We all know Fred Wilpon passed on Vladimir Guerrero, he passed on A-Rod, I’ve heard he wears socks two days in a row so he won’t have to go to the laundromat. Mark it down: they will sign Livan Hernandez and finish in third place.

fran1.jpgSantana will be a Yankee, make no mistake. I see him now, starting game 7 of the World Series, taking the hill in front of Rudy Giuliani, Billy Crystal, Regis Philbin, Donald Trump, Lebron James, Kevin Federline…

maddog1.jpgThings are looking bad for the Mets next year. I don’t see any way they beat out the Phurlies.

fran1.jpgThe what?

maddog1.jpgThe Phurlies. The Phurladerphio Phurlies.

fran1.jpgThe Phillies . Jeez, how did you ever get a job talking for a living?

maddog1.jpgMikey, I’ve had to do some evil things to get ahead. Black, unspeakable things. But hey, after these commercials, I
yell at an engineer!

January 29, 2008

fran1.jpgSo now we’re hearing that the Mets have landed Santana, which is something I’ve been saying would happen for weeks now. Naturally, Santana wants to be a Yankee, but the Yanks won’t give up their very special prospects. This is a good move by Brian Cashman, showing financial restraint. This is the NEW Yankees, the GROW FROM WITHIN Yankees. If there’s anything Yankees fans want to see, it’s guys just up from triple-A face Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz.

maddog1.jpg Excellent point, Mikey. And I tell you one thing: this is only for the money. There is NO WAY Santana wanted to be a Met. I’m sure someone told him Queens is the same thing as the Bronx. He’s from Minnesota, so he has no idea about different boroughs. And maybe he’s colorblind, so he won’t realize the pinstripes on his uniform aren’t navy blue.

fran1.jpgAlright, let’s go to the phones. Frank is on the cell phone.

cell.jpgMike, did you just say that you’ve been saying Santana’s going to the Mets for weeks? Because I listen to the show every day, and I could swear you said as recently as last week that he’d definitely be a Yankee.

fran1.jpgFrank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank

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What?!

fran1.jpgFrank, let me finish! Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank.
Frank.
Frank.
Frank.
You there, Frank? Frank, I never wrote off the Mets as players in the Santana race. I have been TOUTING them for WEEKS as MAJOR players! If
you think I didn’t say that, you are LOST!

cell.jpgI am positive that you’ve been saying the exact opposite. And Mad Dog, how can you say Santana didn’t want to be a Met when there’s a bunch of different reports that the Mets were his first choice?

maddog1.jpgFrank, lemme ask you a question: did Paul LoDuca do steroids?

cell.jpgWhat does that have to do with anything we’re talking about?

maddog1.jpgAnswer the question, Frank! Did Paul LoDuca do steroids?

cell.jpgAccording to the Mitchell Report, yes, he did.

maddog1.jpgAnd you, as a Mets fan, used to root for him, am I right?

cell.jpg Yes, I did.


maddog1.jpgSo how can you sit there on your high horse and tell me not to root for Barry Bonds?

cell.jpgI didn’t say a single word about Barry Bonds! But if you don’t believe me about what you guys said last week, go listen to the tapes.

fran1.jpgFrank, I promise you that the tapes will say exactly what we’re saying now. At least as soon as our engineers get through with them.

maddog1.jpg You dare question us? Get this guy off the air! God, what a disgrace! Eddie, you gotta screen these calls better! I’m gonna say some horrible stuff about your wife on the air later!

fran1.jpgFolks, here’s what you gotta understand. When we use a word, it means just what we choose it to mean. So when I wrote off the Mets’ chances last week, I meant that they would land Santana. When I said the Yankees would land Santana, I meant that they would keep their prospects.

maddog1.jpgWar is peace! Work is freedom!

fran1.jpgWe will not be slaves to history, folks. History is a weapon, to be wielded at our command, on our terms.

maddog1.jpgThe Mets are doubleplusungood!

fran1.jpgWe’ll be right back after this word from the Ministry of Truth.