Tag Archives: death threats

The Tenets of Boehner-Care

boehner.jpgAs threats against Democratic Congressmen mount across the country, I get asked the same question over and over: John, isn’t that awesome? Yes, it is very awesome.

I also get asked another question: Why don’t you say speak out against these terrible threats? Let me first answer this question with a statement: Screw you. And now let me answer the question with another question” Why should I?

See, I didn’t oppose health care reform because I thought it was socialistic or unconstitutional. I opposed health care reform because I am opposed to health. No one should be healthy! And there’s nothing more unhealthy than being dead.

Look at me, for instance. Sure, I may look decent in this very expensive suit, but trust me, this Brooks Brothers exterior hides a veritable cesspit of a body. Every morning, I drink a delicious shake made of two kinds of half-and-half (the milk kind and the drink mix kind), crushed Snickers, and pulverized Cheetos, covered by candied bacon bits. I can’t blink without sweating. And I demand that all of America enjoy the same kind of horrid physical condition!

This is why in the next Congressional session, I will introduce legislation to smallpox-idize America’s water supply. That should help combat the healthy effects of the fluoride we foolishly threw in the drinking water in the 60s. I also have great hopes for my proposal to mail envelopes full of Ebola to random citizens and start pandemic flare ups every few weeks. It’ll be like that movie Outbreak, except no Dustin Hoffman. By that point, we’ll have passed my law that will cause him to die by mercury poisoning.

But please, understand this: My anti-health position does not in any way run counter to my anti-abortion stance. I believe unborn life is precious and sacred and anyone who thinks otherwise should have to drink some of my altered tap water. Of course, once that child transitions from unborn to actually born, then all bets are off. Because I believe that all newborn children should be injected with a crippling amount of hepatitis.

“A German Shepherd Is Coming Your Way”

Robert Popper–one of the geniuses behind Look Around You and Radio Spiritworld–posted this video to his webbed site. It is one of the funniest clips I’ve since The Winnebago Man. (It would be the funniest, had I not recently exposed to The Gathering of the Juggalos.) It actually has quite a bit in common with The Winnebago Man, since it manages to pack years of frustration, anger, and resentment into a few small minutes.
 

Why is this so funny? Let’s count the ways.

There’s the weird framing involved; either this psychic is a midget or the cameraman is 9 feet tall. I can think of no other reason why they chose to leave so much bluescreen above the man’s head.

There’s the completely childish, lowest-common-denominator insults launched at this psychic. And the psychic’s immediate retorts, many of which are just as crude as that taunts that prompted them.

But if I had to pick, I’d say my favorite moment is the psychic invoking the turn-the-other-cheek philosophy of Jesus Christ–seconds after he’s proclaimed that everyone who insulted him during this show will die over the weekend.

Public access cable: the gift that keeps on giving,