Tag Archives: david wright

Bring the Pain

I stopped writing toward the end of 2014. I’d spent a decade-plus of writing in every square inch of my free time hoping that this would lead to being able to write in my Paid Time. That never happened and it appeared unlikely to ever happen. Each year my free time shriveled up a little bit more and each year it grew more exhausting to cram as much writing into a smaller and smaller space in the hope of achieving my poorly defined personal goal of Making It As A Writer.

I’d felt this way many times before. In fact I’d churned through emotional boom/bust cycles about writing so often that you could set your calendar to them. The difference this time was that I’d acquired some physical ailments that made writing literally quite painful. Namely: spinal stenosis. You might know it as the same thing that knocked David Wright out for most of last season. Peep this article if you wanna learn what he has to do to make playing baseball tolerable. It’s a laugh riot.

It’s a condition with a wide range of severity and symptoms. Normally it emerges later in life; Mr. Wright and I are two of the lucky ones to acquire it at a relatively early age. For me it emerged after I finally made a serious commitment to get healthy and lost a bunch of weight. My excess flab was apparently the only thing holding my spinal cord in place.

Continue reading Bring the Pain

The Fred Wilpon Roast of the Mets

So great to be here roasting the Mets, so many memories with this team: the Kenny Rogers walkoff walk, the 2000 World Series, the called third strike to Beltran, two collapses two years in a row…Jesus, is this a baseball team or Gitmo? No, it can’t be Gitmo–even at Gitmo, the torture ends some time.

But I kid the Mets. What a great stadium they have out there in Flushing. It’s really a great monument to a team. That team is the Brooklyn Dodgers, but still. Wanna learn about the storied history of this franchise? Just go to the Mets Hall of Fame, which is just one plaque that says “consult your local library.”

Look at this great collection of ex-Mets we got up here. Shawn Green, Moises Alou, Damion Easley, Jose Valentin…don’t worry, we’ll get you guys outta here in time for the early bird special. Oh, and don’t move that bag of garbage in the seat next to you– that’s all the starting pitchers we used down the stretch in 07 and 08. Someone fix these guys a drink, and faster than than Rick Peterson said he could fix their arm motions.

I see Carlos Beltran over there on the dais. What a guy. I’d give him the shirt off my back. I have, as a matter of fact. This team’s got as much cash on hand as Carlos has working knee ligaments. That’s why I was so mad you didn’t go to Walter Reed Hospital last year, Carlos. I was hoping I could sneak you a quick trip to an MRI tube when no one was looking. Hey, those co-pays aren’t cheap! You think things are bad now, gimme a month. You guys are gonna be scrubbing foul balls for re-use and sleeping in truck stops on road trips.

Jose Reyes, what a racehorse this guy is. It’s a wonder no one’s shot you yet. This guy wants Carl Crawford money? If you sign with the Mets, I can at least guarantee you Carl’s Jr. money. Seriously, I love this guy, but The Terminator called and he wants his weave back. I know we made you play through a hamstring injury and made things worse for you, but at least we didn’t throw you on a cross-country flight while you were concussed. Just ask Ryan Church about that. If you can catch him on one of his “good days.”

David Wright, face of the franchise. And what an exciting face it is, huh folks? This guy once sent back a bowl of vanilla ice cream for being too spicy. He makes Perry Como look street. Don’t worry, Dave, you might not be a superstar, but you’ll always fit in at a Maroon 5 show. No one can take that away from you!

That’s my time, folks. Remember to come out to CitiField to see the best ballclub Buffalo has to offer. Good night!

Jose Reyes’ Underwater Diet

doctor.jpgWell, Jose, the good news is your hyperthyroidism is treatable. The bad news is you need to rest for at least a few weeks until your elevated thyroid levels start to go down. You’ll also need to make a few changes to your diet. Have you been eating a lot of fish lately?

reyes2.jpgYeah, I have, now that you mention it.

doctor.jpgTake me a through a typical day, meal-wise. What do you have for breakfast?

reyes2.jpgUsually, a caviar omelet.

doctor.jpgI’ve never even heard of that. What do you do, add caviar to scrambled eggs?

reyes2.jpgNo, the caviar is the base. I crack the fish eggs and fry em up in a pan. Sometimes I throw a few prawns in there, too.

doctor.jpgWow. How do you crack caviar?

reyes2.jpgVery precisely.

Continue reading Jose Reyes’ Underwater Diet

Fast Times at NL East High

wright.jpgHey, Chipper.

chipper3.jpgS’up, Dave. You goin to that kegger at HanRam’s house place this weekend?

wright.jpgNah. My dad won’t lend me the Dodge. Listen, I gotta talk to you about somethin. I heard you were sayin some shit about me. Said I wasn’t happy at CitiField.

chipper3.jpgFer real? No way, bro. I’d never say somethin like that.

wright.jpgWhen I say I heard it, I mean I actually heard you say it on the radio.

chipper3.jpgOh, yeah. I guess I did kinda say that.

wright.jpgWhy’d you do that, man? I told you that in confidence.

chipper3.jpgI was on the radio and they asked me about your new stadium, so I told em what you said. What else you want me to do?

wright.jpgSay something bland and inoffensive like everyone else does.

chipper3.jpg*pfft* That’s not how Chipper rolls, you know that. I speak my mind.

wright.jpgIt’s a low blow, man. That’s not how bros treat each other.

chipper3.jpgSure it is! I talk shit about everyone in this division. What about that time I told everyone that Dan Uggla eats paste?

uggla.JPGFuck you. That shit tastes good.

chipper3.jpgOr when I spilled the beans about Ryan Zimmerman wetting the bed?

zimmerman.jpgOnce! I did that once!

chipper3.jpgThat’s how it is, man. Bros are always bustin each other’s chops. Don’t get all bent outta shape.

victorino.jpgS’up, losers

/slams Wright into locker with flying elbow

Have fun at jerk practice!

/runs away as fast as possible

chipper3.jpgYou should stick up for yourself, man.

wright.jpgHe was gone so quick, I couldn’t do nothin. And if we’re such best buds, why didn’t you say anything?

chipper3.jpgDon’t worry, I got revenge on that douche. Totally got his sister pregnant.

wright.jpgReally?! Jesus…

chipper3.jpgWell, I got some girl pregnant. You expect me to keep track of that kinda stuff?

From Our Thanks But No Thanks Department

wright_viagra.jpg“Congratulations, David Wright! Your 4 steals in one game tied a franchise record and has been named MLB.com’s Viagra Milestone Moment of the day!”

“Um, thanks. Is there any way you could give me an award not named after Viagra?”

“Let’s see…we have the Cialis Spring Into Action Award, the Enzyte Enhanced Hustle Award, the Valtrex Breakout Player of the Day…”

“Is there any award not named after a pharmaceutical?”

“Oh my heavens, no!”

“Fine, gimme the boner pill award.”

Philly Takes It on the Road

Somewhere in the Dominican Republic:

/ding dong

reyes.gifWho is it?

jroll.jpgWho is it?! World effin’ champions, that’s who!

hamels.jpgYeah, and we’re here to tell you that the Giants are goin’ DOWN on Sunday!

reyes.gifI don’t think the Giants play again until April.

jroll.jpgPfft! You thought we were talking about San Francisco, you DUNCE?! No, we’re talking about the NY Giants. Or should I say, the NY TINIES, because they’re gonna feel two feet tall once they get stomped by the IGGLES!

hamels.jpgHow bout dem birds, baby? The firm leadership of Donovan McNabb! The explosive running game of Brian Westbrook! The competent blocking of L.J. Smith! They’re gonna poop all over the Giants’ heads like a red convertible fresh out of the car wash!

jroll.jpgAllow me to imply that the following members of the Giants are gay: Eli Manning, Brandon Jacobs, Antonio Pierce, Phil Simms, Frank Gifford, Y.A. Tittle…

Continue reading Philly Takes It on the Road