Tag Archives: college hoops

Michigan State Loss Dooms The Big Three

msu.jpgDETROIT — In the wake of Michigan State’s loss to North Carolina in the NCAA basketball championship game, America’s biggest automakers have announced another wave of mass layoffs and plant closings.

“MSU’s performance in the Big Dance really gave a much-needed lift to this area,” said GM CEO Fritz Henderson at a post-game press conference, “but since they finished short of our Cinderalla expectations, our company is forced to slash its current workforce by at least 20 percent and shutter as many as five assembly plants.”

Alan Mulally, Ford’s CEO, said that MSU’s defeat meant bad news for his company as well. “We put a lot of faith in Tom Izzo and the boys at MSU,” Mulally said, “but in the end, UNC was the better team. That’s why we plan to end production on no fewer than three models by the end of this calendar year.”

Asked if a championship for Michigan State would have meant a different outcome for the auto industry, Mulally emphatically responded, “Oh, most definitely. We hoped to expand production, reopen some closed facilities, maybe even start construction on a few factories right here in the Detroit area. Unfortunately, MSU didn’t come through for us.”

Henderson concurred. “I wish I could tell you that the layoffs were over. But in order for that to happen, MSU had to win this game.”

Meanwhile, in the victorious locker room, Altria CEO Louis Cammileri projected record profits for the first quarter of 2009.

“Classic” Scratchbomb: Outtakes From Dick Vitale’s Voice Over Work On Ken Burns’ New Civil War Documentary

As March Madness continues, let’s take a little trip down memory lane with Dickie V to this post from March 13, 2007.

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“Okay, Mr. Vitale. The tape is rolling. You can start your reading whenever you’re ready.”

“First of all, I wanna say this is an honor. Doing voice over work for the
great Ken Burns. I mean, New York, The Civil War, The Brooklyn Bridge,
baby. You can’t beat that with a stick. It’s unbeatable, just like DiGiorno pizza. It’s not delivery, baby!”

“Thank you, Mr. Vitale. Now, whenever you’re ready.”

“Okay, baby, let’s do this! Civil War Part II! It’s awesome with a capital Appomatox, baby! We’re gonna make a Bull Run at another dozen Emmys! And lemme tell you, that violin theme song, whatever it’s called, that is undoubtedly the most moving piece of music ever written for television. If that doesn’t make you get all misty eyed, you gotta be made of stone, baby!”

“Okay, now if we could get to the script…”

“And my main man, Shelby Foote, with all of his poignant insights and Southern aphorisms. That man is a living legend. I’ve been around the block a few times, and lemme tell you: I’ve never seen a man who could drive home a bitter truth like Shelby Foote. He reminds me of another Southern gentleman: Coach K, baby! Never mind their late season
swoon–the Blue Devils are going to the Final Four! That’s right, folks, you heard it right–the Final Four is gonna be Duke, Ohio State, Florida, and Duke! I’d love to hear Shelby Foote’s bracket picks.”

“He’s dead. Please start your reading.”

“That’s a tragedy. Almost as bad as Syracuse not getting a tournament bid. I had Jim Boeheim over at my house and he had a good cry while we watched ‘Hoosiers’. Gene Hackman. Dennis Hopper. The quintessential sports movie. That high school basketball team coming back to win the state final, that’s a Cinderella story for the ages, baby! Kinda like how the Union stormed back to defeat the South. Ulysses S. Grant, baby! Grant and General Lee coming together to turn back the evil forces of Boss Hogg…”

“There’s a million things wrong with what you just said, but I’ll ignore all of them if you’ll just start your reading.”

“Listen up–I gotta mention my good friends at Boost Mobile. Sign up now for Dickie V’s Dipsy Doo Dunkeroo Bracketology Knowledge-y, and you can win tons of prizes. Hats. Shirts. Hats. More hats. It’s great! All you gotta do is text them your phone number so you can be harassed with messages for the next seven years, baby…”

“If you don’t start reading right now, I’m going to cut off oxygen to the sound booth.”

“Okay baby, let’s get rolling! Cue that weepy violin music, baby!”

“There’s no music. For the love of Jesus, please read.”

“*ahem* ‘My darling Melissa: Words can not express my longing for you. My pen trembles when I call to mind your alabaster skin, your soft amber curls, and the warmth of your smile. Know that you are in my thoughts every waking moment of every day. And know that when I lay my head down on a hard, unforgiving Army cot, the only thing that can soften the scratch of the canvas and bring on the sweet respite of slumber is to whisper your name. I feel it wrap around me as if I were an infant being swaddled and cradled to his sleep. Oh Melissa, would that I could promise to return home soon. Would that I could promise to return at all! But that is for Providence to decide. All I can do is pray that He shall see fit to return me to your arms. If He does not, then know that we shall see one another again in the sweet by and by. And know above all, that with my last breath, with my dying words, I shall utter but one phrase and be at peace:’ Coach K, baby!”

“The script doesn’t say that!”

“I know! I’m bringing my own Dickie V flavor to the material! It’s what the kids want!”

“Do any of you sound engineers have a taser?”

“Classic” Scratchbomb: March Mid-Major M’Insanity

Now that college hoops will be relevant for the next two weeks or so, celebrate with this “classic” Scratchbomb article, originally published March 7, 2007.

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The month of March is here, evidently, which brings along with it the NCAA College Basketball tournament. This annual sporting event inspires thousands of unfortunate torso paintings, and turns office workers across the nation into amateur bookies. It sends the public into a collective, oh I don’t know, madness one might say. I wish there were some alliterative way to describe the tournament and the frenzy that spreads across the nation in its wake.

Maybe, Spring Psychopathology? Yeah, that rolls off the tongue.

Of course, most of the tournament berths are already sealed up through conference championships or bribery, and even the majority of the remaining teams to be selected won’t exactly come out of left field. But the NCAA always picks a few so-called mid-majors, schools you probably haven’t heard of unless you went to them or have a severe
gambling problem.

Betting on any small school is a dicey proposition. Everyone likes a Cinderella story, but
the likelihood of West Ass Crack Teacher’s College going anywhere in the tourney is minimal at best. Unless Billy Packer thinks it’s a travesty that they were picked for the tournament in the first place. In that case, the team should at least make it to the Sweet Sixteen.

Still, it’s fun to dream of king-killers, because hey, we all want to murder monarchs, right? This Sunday, the NCAA will finalize the tournament spots in an event known throughout the land as “Weekend Winnowing”. Here’s a few of the small-school squads who just might make the cut.

East Mississippi A&M: Once known for having one of the best small-school programs in the country, EMA&M was scandalized in 1991 when it was discovered that their point guard was actually a Holstein. The school argued that having cattle in its starting five was actually a disadvantage, but the NCAA still banned the school from the tournament for five years, and the cow was sold to Black Angus. EMA&M is now back to its winning ways, and extremely difficult to beat on its home court, mostly because that court doubles as a kill floor.

San Quentin State: This school prides itself on giving troubled youth a second chance. Failing that, third, fourth and fifth chances are equal as common for its student-athletes. Their most versatile player is Deshawnjames Williams, who usually plays center but is also used as a shooting guard when he brings a glock onto the court. Jamatador Oneill is the team’s leading scorer (37 ppg, 17 confirmed kills), but he gets into foul trouble often. During the Penal Conference final, Oneill T-ed out early in the second half when he stabbed an opponent in the throat as he took a free throw.

Lancaster County Community College: Champs of the Mennonite Conference, the only one to still use wooden peach crates for baskets. Their most feared player is 6′ 7″ forward Ezekiel Schmidt, whose 31.7 ppg average is even more impressive when you consider that he must run up and down the court in suspenders and leather shoes. This may be the last chance for LCCC to crack the tourney, as many of its best players will soon be lost to the NBA Draft, and to rumspringa.

Tompkins Drama School: Their point guard is in love with the head cheerleader, who doesn’t know she’s carrying another man’s baby. Their center’s toughest opponent is himself. What their forward doesn’t know about their shooting guard could kill them both. And their coach is carrying a deep, dark secret that could tear his school apart–if his wife doesn’t destroy it first. But put them together, and this ragtag group of misfits will leave it all out on the court, where they just might have…the right stuff. Unless they pull a Big East team in the first round; then they’re dead.

Boffo’s Clown College: BCC is known for its tough brand of play. Few opponents can score from the post when their sophomore Pinky employs his unstoppable Squirting Flower defense. It doesn’t matter much on the court, but the school is also renowned for having the smallest team bus in the NCAA.

Monsanto Institute of Technology: MIT has created a near-perfect basketball team, literally. Using DNA samples from NBA legends and a patented genome extraction and self-replication technique, the school grew its starting five in large, fluid-filled vats that mimic the conditions of the womb. This procedure has drawn condemnation and protests from nearly every single political and religious leader in the world , though it has eliminated all suspicion of recruiting violations. Freshman 32XJ7 is a standout for his flawless three-point shot and the unnerving, soulless cast of his eyes.