Tag Archives: birthers

Trump Says You’re Welcome, America

As usual, it took Trump to do what no one else could. Look, I didn’t really think Obama wasn’t born here. Only a brainless, racist moron would think that. But I was smart enough to recognize how many brainless, racist morons there are in this country and how I could use their unfocused rage to get the president to finally produce his birth certificate. You’re welcome, America. Consider it an early 4th of July present from yours truly. Yes, when you’re a true patriot like myself, even six months ahead of time isn’t too soon to celebrate the day we took back Plymouth Rock from the Chinese.

It took Trump to force this issue, folks, and that’s exactly what I did. I forced it. I pushed and poked and prodded the issue. I got in the issue’s face, like an inch away, and said “Hey issue, does this bug you? Does this bug you? I’m not touching you. Are you gonna cry, issue? Go ahead and cry! 1-2-3 cry!” That’s what I call leadership.

The fact that I got Obama to release his birth certificate proves that I can be presidential. Because that’s what a president does: he badgers and pesters and whines until he gets his way. If I was president, I’d be all like, “Hey Russia, cut it out.” And they’d be all like, “What do you mean-ski?” And I’d be like, “You know what, just knock it off, ya knuckleheads.” There isn’t a world leader who could stand up to the grilling I would give them across a large mahogany desk. Not the king of France, not the Sultan of Norway, not even the czar of Antarctica.

Next, I’m turning my sights on Obama’s academic record. Sure, he went to Harvard Law School and headed the law journal and graduated zooma cum loudly, or whatever it is. But did he really deserve it? Now, I’m not saying all his professors didn’t just breeze him along because they’d been paid off by a powerful cabal of Muslim extremists and Black Panthers to introduce him to effete liberal society and one day be installed as president. Luckily, other people are saying it for me, so I just have to suggest it.

I haven’t announced my candidacy officially yet. But just think, if I was your president, every day could be like this!

Lou Dobbs Gets to the Bottom of Everything

dobbs.jpgThe debate rages–RAGES!–on about President Obama’s place of birth. Obama insists he was born in the US, and government officials in his supposed native state of Hawaii and elsewhere say they’ve seen his birth certificate and it’s valid. But since I haven’t seen it right in front of me, with my own eyes, I say this issue is still up for debate.

You know what else is up for debate? Mummies. Scientists say they don’t exist. But I’ve seen ’em in movies. Like The Mummy, and The Mummy Returns, and The Bad News Mummies in Breaking Training. Who am I supposed to believe–scientists or my own eyes? And if mummies don’t exist, why do I wet the bed every night because I dream I’m being chased by one?

Scientists also tell us that there’s something called The Air that supplies us with oxygen. Well, I ain’t never seen it! Prove it to me, Poindexter! Show me air in a box, then we’ll talk! And don’t feed me no jazz about the wind. Everyone knows the wind is god sneezing.

And what about my penis? My doctor tells me I still have one, technically, but I haven’t seen the damn thing for years. I know what you’re thinking: “Lou, how do you pee without one?” I don’t know!

Coming up on the Lou Dobbs program starring Lou Dobbs: Should all Mexicans be killed, or merely imprisoned?