Tag Archives: barack obama

Joe Wilson vs. Barack Obama, the Insult Comedy President

obama.jpgThere have been a lot of untruths out there about my health care plan. So I want to reassure the American people that illegal immigrants will not be covered under this plan.
joew.jpgYOU LIE!
obama.jpgNo, I don’t actually. And I think it’s highly disrespectful of you to just yell at the President of the United States like that. If you disagree with me, fine, but…
joew.jpgYOU’RE NOT FUNNY!
obama.jpgI’m not trying to be funny. This is not a comedy club.
joew.jpgFREEBIRD!
obama.jpgWow, there’s a blast from the past. When you’re done with that brilliant retort, 1993 needs it back. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m trying to deliver a speech here.
joew.jpgYOU SHOULD DELIVER MY WAITRESS OVER HERE SO I CAN GET ANOTHER GIN AND TONIC!
obama.jpgYou’ll have to speak up. I don’t speak Inbred Cracker Peckerwood.

Continue reading Joe Wilson vs. Barack Obama, the Insult Comedy President

The Constitution Protects My Small Arsenal

militia.jpgExcuse me, I’d like to enter this presidential town hall meeting. What seems to be the hold up?

Whoah, since when am I not allowed to bring a weapon into a town hall meeting? Last time I checked, this was still America!

Yes, I do have multiple weapons on me. I can’t just walk in here with just one! A single handgun might be good enough for Sunday mass or my son’s soccer game, but this is a town hall meeting we’re talking about here!

I don’t know how you could interpret this array of weaponry as some sort of threat to the president. All I want to do is brandish several firearms well within firing range of our commander-in-chief. Since when is that a crime?!

The Constitution protects might right to free speech, and the Constitution protects my right to bear arms. Therefore, it protects my right to exercise both of those rights simultaneously. I came hear to have my voice heard. And I find people pay closer attention to me when I’m heavily armed.

This canister? It contains homemade napalm. Nothing beats homemade, I always say. People are so desensitized to guns these days, what with all the violent movies and TV shows and so on. Sometimes you need access to jellied incendiaries that can melt a man’s face off. You know, to really get your point across.

You’re looking at me as if I’m some kind of a crackpot! All I want to do is attend this presidential town hall meeting and express my concerns about the national health care plan. And also ask the president how he bribed the Kenyan government to hide his real birth certificate.

Is it me? Am I the crazy one here? Because I really don’t understand why you’d be so concerned about me bringing several assault rifles, napalm, and a catapult to this town hall meeting where the president will also be in attendance.

Yes, I have a catapult. Don’t tell me I can’t bring that in, either!

Fine, I’ll leave. But I’d appreciate it if you’d hand the president this weirdly shaped envelope leaking white powder.

Vote Republican or We’re Taking Our Ball and Going Home!

When I heard Barack Obama was going to throw out the first pitch at the All Star Game, I figured the right-wing blogosphere and radio world would find something wrong with it. Whether he threw a perfect strike over the plate or an eephus pitch into the first base stands, it would be judged as something evil because, well, why not?

Such an event marks one of the neocons’ few chances to attack a guy whose biggest crime is being treated like a rock star everywhere he goes. These are the same guys who rah-rah-ed for torture for eight years and helped send American troops to die in Iraq on a total lie. But a photogenic, popular president? That shall not stand!

Even by the low standards I hold them to, however, one ASG-related screed really stood out like an unhinged door. It was penned by Andy McCarthy (not the co-star of Weekend at Bernie’s) and featured at National Review‘s The Corner. The site is aptly named; it’s a lot like a corner near a bus station, overrun with raving lunatics.

You know The Crazy will be brought in abundance when this is the first line of the post:

Though it’s not a widely appreciated fact, we right-winger sports nuts
have long known that the sports press is among the media’s leftiest
precincts.

Yeah, I’m sick of Joe Buck all those pro-socialized medicine diatribes he throws into the Fox Game of the Week. I don’t think Sunday Night Football is an appropriate venue for John Madden to praise Hugo Chavez. And I won’t watch College Gameday anymore, not after Lee Corso turned it into a soapbox for his Tax the Churches movement!

In what universe is sports media a bastion of effete left-wing intellectuals? Can you name one Sports Guy other than Keith Olbermann who is even rumored to be a lefty? Sports news rarely intersects with political news, and when it does, sports networks like ESPN tend to stay centrist so they don’t alienate anyone. Because sports are seen by most people as an “escape” from the real world. Regardless of political affiliation, folks don’t like it when nasty things like partisan squabbling find their way onto SportsCenter.

And what of sports radio, Mr. McCarthy? The only difference between Rush Limbaugh’s audience and Mike Francesa’s audience is the frequency they tune into. You should’ve heard some of the people calling into Francesa in the weeks leading up to the presidential election. Listening to them, you would’ve thought 90 percent of the electorate was gonna vote for McCain.

And this is in the Tri-State Area, solid blue state territory if there is one. I can’t even imagine what sports radio is like in, say, St. Louis, where a shot of Dubya in the ASG pregame ceremony resulted in rapturous applause.

McCarthy’s biggest gripe is that ESPN “covered up” Obama being booed at the All Star Game. God help me for defending ESPN, but it’s not ESPN’s job to discuss the political ramifications of Obama’s appearance at the All Star Game. That’s for political analysts. And I guess paranoid hacks like you can throw their two cents in as well. Just remember to put your tinfoil hat on first, so the secret Illuminati satellites can’t beam pro-gay-rights messages into your brain!

I also don’t recall ESPN making a big deal of Dick Cheney getting the living shit booed out of him when he threw out the first pitch for the Nationals a few years ago. So at least ESPN is bipartisan in its cover-ups.

McCarthy insists his “six-year-old throws a baseball better (far better, in fact) than Obama.” Then get that kid to declare for the MLB draft, because Obama’s pitch wasn’t that bad. His lefty delivery didn’t draw any comparisons to Johan Santana, of course, but McCarthy’s lengthy descriptions of its failings are just flat-out lies (or self delusion), as MLB’s video of the event will attest.

He hates the fact that Obama threw the ball to Albert Pujols instead of Yadier Molina, because he only did it to keep the crowd from booing! There could be no other reason, except maybe honoring an amazing player who’s having a potentially historic season. And he only embraced Cardinal great Stan Musial to thwart a jeering crowd! Or maybe it’s because Stan Musial is a living legend and one of the best hitters ever.

No, it can’t be! It was all a ruse to keep the crowd on his side! Just like his decision to wear a White Sox jacket, because..wait, St. Louis fans hate Chicago! And despite his nefarious gambits, the crowd booed (mildly) anyway. Can you follow this train of thought? No? Me either.

Look at this screengrab. I don’t even see a baseball! He didn’t throw anything! And all you sheep are falling for it! We’re through the looking glass here, people.

McCarthy’s attempt to pull secret codes from benign actions should come at no surprise. Neocons always get hung up on the nonsense of stagecraft, at the expense of examining things that truly matter. You know, stuff that leaders actually do.

For example, neocons think one of the greatest things Dubya ever did was throw out the first pitch at Yankee Stadium during the 2001 World Series. It represented a Display of Strength and Resolve after 9/11! It showed he would not be cowed by those nasty terrorists! It showed he would never stop! And he never stopped!

Except when it came to finding the man responsible for the World Trade Center attack. He stopped well short of accomplishing that mission. But hey, he threw a perfect strike to Derek Jeter! That’s almost like bringing Osama bin Laden to justice, right?

Ironic, then, that McCarthy denounces Obama’s appearance as “shrewdly orchestrated”, since McCarthy’s recently departed Dear Leader shrewdly orchestrated every appearance he ever made. At least Obama doesn’t shrewdly orchestrate his press conferences. Or the bullshit intelligence he feeds to the CIA. Or ways to keep Congress in the dark about secret CIA operations.

But hey, keep bitching about how The Media won’t talk about Obama’s weak two-seam fastball. That oughta win you guys some elections. Between complainers like this douche and Sarah Palin, the GOP has transformed itself into the Party of Whine. They should change their logo from an elephant to a three-year-old with his arms folded, holding his breath.

Barack O-BOO-ma Is FRIGHTFULLY Sorry for this TERRIFYING Oversight

obama2.JPGI apologize for yesterday’s Air Force One flyover in lower Manhattan. I should have realized this would frighten people still emotionally scarred from 9/11. We should not have done it, or at the very least let people know what was happening so they wouldn’t be so terrified when a huge plane flew dangerously low to the city’s skyline. So again, I apologize.

In the wake of this event, I’ve decided to change the details of my upcoming tour of the new federal building in Oklahoma City. To celebrate the memory of all the brave citizens who lost their lives there, I thought I might arrive dressed in army fatigues and waving around a copy of The Turner Diaries. But now this seems kind of insensitive, more like the exact opposite of what I’d want to do in that city.

So the whole army fatigue/paranoid, racist literature thing is right out, I promise.

I’ve also canceled the music act for my next appearance in New Orleans. Suddenly, Katrina and the Waves doesn’t seem like the wisest band choice. I apologize to those of you who looked forward to hearing “Walking on Sunshine.”

I will still campaign door-to-door for Democratic candidates this year. However, I will probably not do so after midnight while wielding a rusty chainsaw and wearing a hockey mask.

In conclusion, I’d like to promise the American people that I will never OH MY GOD, THERE’S A GUY WITH AN AXE RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!

Good Luck, Chuck

chucktodd.jpgMr. President, Chuck Todd, NBC News. Some have compared this financial crisis to a war, and in times of war, past presidents have called for some form of sacrifice. Why, given this new era of responsibility that you’re asking for, why
haven’t you asked for something specific that the public should be
sacrificing
to participate in this economic recovery?
obama.jpgChuck, I think Americans are sacrificing a lot right now, doing a lot of belt tightening to get through this rough patch…
chucktodd.jpgNo, that’s simply not good enough. I think you should demand that the American people sacrifice something very specific.
obama.jpgI don’t really understand what you’re getting at.

chucktodd.jpgI want you to ask Americans to stop eating hot dogs.

obama.jpgWhy?

chucktodd.jpgI think they’re gross.

obama.jpgI won’t ask Americans to forego hot dogs just because you don’t like them, Chuck.

chucktodd.jpgWhat about kielbasa? Certainly Americans should quit their wanton consumption of kielbasa in such a financial environment.

obama.jpgI don’t think a reduction of kielbasa purchases will help our economy one bit

chucktodd.jpgWhat about those weird mini-pepperoni things? You know, like you see next to the cash register at all-night delis? Yeesh, those things creep me out, glistening in their plastic tubes under the fluorescent light. Ick!

obama.jpgWhat do those things cost, like, a buck? That’s not gonna break anyone’s budget.

chucktodd.jpgIs there any type of sausage product you’d like Americans to give up for the duration of this economic crisis?

obama.jpgThat kind of decision should be made by each individual family. It’s not the president’s job to tell the American people what processed foods they can and can’t eat.

chucktodd.jpgBaloney!

obama.jpgExcuse me? Do you think you know more about the executive branch than I do?!

chucktodd.jpgNo, I mean baloney! We can get rid of that, right?

obama.jpgChuck, if you have issues with luncheon meat, work those out on your own time. Other people at this press conference have questions.

chucktodd.jpgSure, I understand..oh wait, this just in! The National Science-y Institute says the nation’s supply of Slim Jims is contaminated with Melting Brain Disease! Guess you’ll have to ban those, huh?

obama.jpgNo, I’m banning you from presidential press conferences. For three years.

chucktodd.jpgDo you know who you’re talking to? I did those stupid electoral maps all night on MSNBC on Election Day! I MADE YOU, BARRY!

Joe Biden Lends the President Some Gaffe Tips

biden.jpgSo you gaffed. Big deal. I do it all the time! I gaffe more before breakfast than most people do all day.

Here’s what you do. I call it the “aw shucks” defense. You just say stuff like, “aw jeez, I’m sorry!” like you’re a big dumb galoot who can’t even control what comes out of his mouth. Works for me all the time! It makes you sympathetic. By the time I’ve done, I got the president of Bolivia apologizing to me, even though I just called his country a hellish sinkhole.

Then again, I guess you have a reputation as a smart man and a skilled orator. I’ve never had that problem. So maybe that strategy won’t work for you.

It was a good idea to gaffe on a Thursday night, though. That way, they roast you on Friday, but the weekend’s about to start. By the time Monday comes all the news outlets are on to the next thing.

Me, I try to save my really big gaffes for Friday afternoons. The newspapers are already knocking off for the day by then. I spit out something really stupid around 3:30, then I can spend Saturday on the links, free of worry.

Also, March Madness–excellent time to gaffe. Nobody’s watching CNN or Fox News right now. Not while they’re keeping track of their brackets. I also find Super Bowl week is a good gaffing time, as is pretty much any day from late June through Labor Day.

Would it help if I made an even bigger gaffe to take the heat off you? I got a speech scheduled for a Mothers Against Drunk Driving event later today. How bout I make some real dumb old-timey Foster Brooks-type jokes about tippling? Or if I accidentally ask a mom to bring her kid on stage, even though I know her son was killed by a drunk driver?

No matter what you do, make sure you apologize. Better late than never, I say. And if you do wait a few days to apologize, you can just say you were doing it on Colored People’s Time.

Oh jeez, I can’t believe I said that! Oh man! I am so sorry!

See? Learn from the master, kid.

And Now I’ll Reveal the Details of My Diabolical Plan!

cheney.gif

“Ah, Mr. Obama. so nice of you to make it my little party. You have a nasty habit of surviving. But soon you shall see–Washington gridlock shall prevail! Won’t it, Flopsy?”

*mew*

“Yes, Flopsy always agrees. Mr. Obama, we’re not so different, you and I…”

Yeah, I know, The Daily Show and everybody else made the same joke last night. Screw it. I spent too much time Photoshopping a cat into Cheney’s lap!

The Election Gods Bow to Math

obamaigotthis.jpg

Election Day was great for baseball. And baseball was great for Election Day.

After the Mets collapsed yet again, I took all the emotional/spiritual/perspirational energy I poured into their hopeless cause and channeled it into following the presidential election. I also focused some of that chi into rooting against the Phillies, which didn’t work out nearly as well.

Like any other good lefty, I read Daily Kos, watched Keith Olbermann, and tsked at Fox News ass-hattery. But it’s easy to overdose on Smug when you live in a liberal bastion like New York and only consume media with which you agree. It’s easy to fool yourself into thinking you know what your fellow Americans feel and want.

I fooled myself in 2004. I never deluded myself into thinking that John Kerry was a magnificent charismatic agent of change because, duh. But considering the state of the country at the time, and the obvious (to me) evil represented by Bush, I concluded that Kerry would prevail. I told myself there was no way Kerry could lose because…well, he couldn’t, could he?

And then I found myself up at 2 in the morning, watching Ohio go to Bush, sucking down beer and wishing I was drunk enough to pass out and forget any of it had ever happened.

Continue reading The Election Gods Bow to Math

Joe Biden: We Have Nothing to Fear But Impending Doom

biden.jpgMark my words. It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy.

Just so we’re clear, I don’t mean in the way that any new president would face challenges. No, I mean, they wanna take down Barack Obama so bad! They’re gonna be on him like ugly on an ape!

And when I say “they,” I don’t mean the right wing talking heads at Fox News. Oh boy, he’s gonna wish it was Fox News coming after him.

As we all know, America has enemies around the globe. Huge, scary enemies! During his first six months in office, I foresee no fewer than five terrorist attacks on American soil.

Okay, I heard some of you in the audience gasp. So let me just say, I don’t have any evidence this will happen. Just a hunch, I guess. Oh, and at least one of those attacks will involve nerve gas.

I know what you’re thinking: We don’t know of any major terrorist organization that has access to nerve gas. But I’m sure any one of them could totally get it if they wanted to. North Korea would be more than willing to sell VX to Al Qaeda. And don’t forget about all the corrupt military officials in Pakistan and Russia. Those guys would sell their grandmas for a couple bucks, and they’re not too fond of the US to begin with.

Trust me, if Bin Laden wants nerve gas, he can get it. There are ways. You don’t even wanna know.

I also think that Al Qaeda will flood our cities’ streets with a new superdrug. It will be twice as addictive as crack and give users bursts of psychosis and ungodly strength, thus creating a new race of ghetto super-criminals.

Just sounds like something they’d try to do. You know, if you think about it.

Looks like a guy fainted in the back row there. Somebody wanna help him out? Thanks.

So what we need to do is remain vigilant and put more resources into security at our nation’s major entry points. And we better do it soon, before guys with bazookas start picking off planes at major airports.

Maybe you think that could never happen, but never say never! They got tougher security at Radio Shack than they do around airport runways. Just sneak under some chainlink fence and you’re in! And you could buy a rocket launcher at a gun show these days–for like nothing! So Al Qaeda gets 10 different guys with bazookas to sneak into airports across the country, then they all start shooting down flights right after take off. It’d be sooo easy do!

What if Al Qaeda was able to insert subliminal messages into kids’ shows? Like, if they had a mole inside Nickelodeon. So our children become suicide bombers and murder us in our sleep. And America becomes full of Children of the Corn Islamo-fascists! Wow, I’m getting chills just thinking about it!

What if they replaced Michelle Obama with a radioactive robot? I saw something like that in an issue of Spider-Man once.

I know, I know, you’re probably sitting there, having just soiled yourself with fear, wondering, “Al Qaeda can’t have this kind of technology, do they?” And you’re right, they probably don’t.

But an act of terrorism doesn’t have to be anything too high-tech, either. What if you just unleashed guys with box cutters in big cities? If a street is crowded enough, you can totally cut somebody and disappear into the crowd and never get caught. Just fade into a faceless sea of humanity. Now imagine that happening in, like, every major city in the country every day! Boy, that’d be really creepy, huh?

So as I was saying, it’s important that we get more federal funds to protecting the home front. Personally, I’d like to see some of those funds set aside so that every American family can purchase a shotgun and basement bunker’s worth of canned food. This would prepare us for the inevitable zombie attacks, of course!

Of course, there’s no such thing as zombies. Now. But there could be, if Al Qaeda goes ahead with its occult experiments and successfully spikes our nation’s water supply.

Believe me, they would love to have this happen under a Barack Obama administration.

So in conclusion, remember to go out and vote the Democratic ticket on November 4th!

Be It Resolved: Reagan May Have Existed

hillary.jpgI find it very troubling that Senator Obama would heap praise on Ronald Reagan, considering how devastating his policies were for our country’s neediest citizens.
obama.jpgSenator Clinton, that accusation is patently
untrue. If you look at my remarks in their full context, you’ll see
that I did not praise Ronald Reagan. I merely said that I’d had a
layover at Ronald Reagan Airport on my way to North Carolina.
hillary.jpgWell, I find it disturbing that you would fly
into Ronald Reagan Airport when Dulles is still a more than serviceable
alternative.
obama.jpgThe record will show that I purchased a direct
flight from Detroit to Raleigh, but excessive turbulence forced the
pilot to make an unscheduled stopover in Washington. I admit that I
purchased a copy of Fantasy Baseball Preview at a newsstand
to pass the time while we waited for the weather to clear up. I have
been considering taking Joba Chamberlain as high as the third round
this year, a decision that I’m sure many of my fellow Americans are
wrestling with at this time.
hillary.jpgI believe you’ve displayed a tacit approval for
his presidency by your unwillingness to parachute out of the plane
before it touched down.
obama.jpgNothing could be further from the truth. I assure
the American people that if I’m elected president, I will constantly
refer to Ronald Reagan as history’s greatest monster.

Continue reading Be It Resolved: Reagan May Have Existed