Tag Archives: a-rod

Baseball, The Worldwide Leader

Dick Vitale Has a Few Things He’d Like to Share

vitale.jpgA-Rod really disappointed me, baby! He’s gotta set a better example for the kids! ‘Cause the kids are what’s important, baby! I talk to the kids all the time, and they love me! They’re always giving me high fives and thumbs up and doing an “L” sign on their foreheads! If you’re not hip, then you don’t know the “L” stands for “Laugh a Minute”! The kids love me, baby!

I’ve tried to give A-Rod some advice! I told him he don’t need steroids! I told him to follow his dreams, and stay in school, and listen to his parents! But he keeps telling me to stop bothering him during his daughter’s birthday party! I told him my invitation musta gotten lost in the mail, and he threatened to call the cops! It’s sad when people get too big to listen to complete strangers who are famous!

Michael Phelps really let me down, too! Smoking the reefer! Doesn’t he know that winners don’t do drugs? No hope in dope, baby! I’ve tried to reach out to Michael, but his manager said he’d have me thrown in jail if I contacted him one more time!

You know who else I’m disappointed in? Congress! We gotta get this country on the right track, baby! Republican, Democrat, don’t matter! Let’s get something done already! I don’t know what, but let’s just do it, baby!

You know who else let me down? The good people at Best Western Inns! I stayed in one last weekend when I was out west attending my great-niece’s christening! They used to give you the shampoo and the conditioner. Now they just got conditioner! I asked at the front desk, and they said they don’t provide it free no more! What is this world coming too?!

Why can’t you get a good pork chop anymore? Get on the stick, butchers!

Also, this cryogenic chamber just ain’t cutting it anymore! I know it has to maintain a constant temperature of -200 degrees Fahrenheit to keep my vital organs from seizing up, but can ESPN throw in a magazine every now and then?

Baseball, Rocky Rhodes

Rocky Rhodes: Gas-Drinkin’ Heroes of Yesteryear

Grant “Rocky” Rhodes is America’s oldest living sportswriter. He first rose to prominence in 1916, when he declared Yankee Stadium “The House that Ruth Built,” even though Ruth still played for the Red Sox and Yankee Stadium didn’t exist. He holds the world’s record for most consecutive days spent in a hat. His weekly sports column, “The Cat’s Pajamas”, appears in 7000 newspapers nationwide when not bumped for “Hints from Heloise” or “Funky Winkerbean”. Today, he graces Scratchbomb with his nine decades of sports wisdom to comment on baseball’s latest scandal.

rocky.jpgBeen a while since I took up the ol’ Underwood. I been outta commission for almost a year. It all started when my favorite attendant, Frankie, took a little vacation. Frankie’s my favorite because he always throws in a little extra something in your daily meds.

Unfortunately, the home brought in some numbnuts to take his place, and this schmuck gives me exactly what it says on my chart. Little did I know I’d developed a bit of a chemical dependency on one of my pills, a little blue one that makes my liver pain slightly less unbearable.

So one day, I ask this guy for some extra, and he says no dice. What happened next is kind of a blur, but apparently I went insane with rage over being denied my fix. I remember poking him in the eye with my cane, and throwing my colostomy bag in his face, but the rest is kinda hazy. Next thing I know, they got me in detox to get the junk outta my system.

Y’ever see The Man with the Golden Arm? Yeah, it’s nothing like that. Frank Sinatra, you let me down a third time. I’d give you a piece of my mind if you weren’t dead.

* Long-time Rocky readers know the first time was when Frank convinced me to buy an Edsel. I won’t spill the beans about the second. Just know that it involves Jilly Rizzo, and I will take it with me to my grave.

Bottom line is, I ain’t exactly one to talk when it comes to drugs. And I’m sick as hell about writing up this Alex Rodriguez fella. The guy’s a head case. Back in my day, they would have locked him up on general principle. This country really started going to hell when FDR repealed the Lock ‘Em Up on General Principle Act.

I’ll tell you one thing, though. I just don’t understand this generation of athletes, shooting themselves up with steroids and horse semen and whatnot, trying to gain an advantage. In my day, athletes didn’t take performance enhancers. They took performance limiters.

Babe Ruth ate everything that wasn’t bolted down. Jim Thorpe drank high-test gasoline before track meets. Bobby Jones had his caddy whip him with a cane in the back the thighs before he hit the links. (I heard some nasty rumors about that last ritual, but I won’t repeat them here.)

You know why Lou Gehrig had to retire? It wasn’t because ALS robbed him of his ability to play. It’s because the disease actually made him more able-bodied than most other players. Back then, it was considered cheating if you didn’t come to the plate full of bathtub gin and missing at least one toe.

It was a badge of honor to succeed while handicapping yourself. Why did you think the Black Sox threw the World Series in 1919? They wanted to see if they could still win the thing while actively trying to lose it. They weren’t the first team to throw a game, not by a long shot. They were just unlucky enough to get caught. And to accept thousands of dollars from gangsters in order to do it.

I just wish all these kids involved with this stuff would come clean. That’s what we did back in my day–someone catches you with your hand in the cookie jar, you fess up. Or, alternatively, you stonewall the cops, then catch the next steamer bound for Brazil.

I guess it’s no use complaining about the way the world has changed. While I was getting clean, this guy from NA taught me a prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can’t change, the carriage to something about the weather, and the gonads to know what’s what.

I got no idea what that means, but it still makes twice the sense of anything else in this crazy world. At least until Frankie gets the med shift again.

Sean from Massapequa

Sean from Massapequa: A-Rod, Citigroup, and Other Scoundrels

I often write about the Mets on this site, but I realize that my perspective is not necessarily that of the average fan. So as the Hot Stove League heats up, I want to get the viewpoint of another Amazins enthusiast. Today Scratchbomb welcomes back Sean from Massapequa, a union pipefitter and frequent WFAN caller, to discuss A-Rod and several other Mets-related messes.

seanfrommassapequa.jpgSo what’s your take on the A-Rod steroid situation?

I am so sick of this shit.

Sick of what, steroids?

No, of this winter shit. I swear to god, if I gotta shovel the driveway one more time, he’s gettin a snow blower straight up the poop chute!

Who is?

God is, I just toldja! He’s responsible for the snow, ain’t he? He’s responsible for this hideous winter, ain’t he? And he’s responsible for the fact that pitchers and catchers don’t start til Friday, and I’m losin my fuckin mind!

I thought we were gonna talk about A-Rod and steroids,

Listen, at this point, you gotta figure everybody was doin em. I’m sure there was guys on the Mets I cheered for who were doin em too.You think anybody in this world is pure, you’re livin in a dream world. Everybody cheats in every business–it’s a fact of life! So let’s just move forward. What do I care if this guy was doin steroids 6 years ago?

So you don’t think the media should be hounding him for this?

*pfft* The media. Listen, if the media was so concerned about steroids, why didn’t they investigate this stuff when it was happenin? They was in the locker rooms all the time, and they didn’t say nothin, cause they was just happy to be ridin on the gravy train with guys like McGwire and Sosa and Bonds. Now all these things come out from real reporters and these idiots on ESPN act like they’re all shocked. Buncha bums.

I’m amazed to hear myself say this, but I think I agree with you.

Bottom line: all of this stuff is in the past. A-Rod did it, they all did it, let’s just play some ball already, alright?

So I guess you won’t boo him when he plays at CitiField later this year.

You kiddin? Man, I am gonna firebomb that guy.

I assume you mean with words.

No, I’m gonna get some M-80s and fire em off at the field! I gotta cousin in Pennsylvania, he can hook me up with anything you want for the Fourth of July. You want his number? I get a finder’s fee if you buy somethin.

No thanks, I’m not in the market for fireworks. But you mentioned CitiField, and lately the Mets have gotten a lot of heat because Citigroup received a federal bailout. A lot of people think it’s not right for a company that got TARP money to spend funds on something so frivolous. Do you think the Mets should end their relationship with Citigroup?

Hey, dem’s the breaks, Citigroup. You signed a contract, you gotta pay up. It ain’t the Mets’ fault you morons don’t know how to run a business. Listen, I’m in a union. I know all about contracts. You honor em, or somebody cuts your brakes, simple as that.

Sure, there’s a contract, but you have to admit it looks bad for the Mets to take their money. Wouldn’t it be in the team’s best interests, PR-wise, to dissolve the arrangement so that it’s not an issue going forward?

How much are the Mets gettin from them, $40 million a year? I’d be willin to look pretty bad for that kinda dough. Every newspaper in the country could scream at me, long as I got to keep the loot. There is a very short list of things I wouldn’t do for $40 million. In fact, I got it here in my pocket. Lemme read it to you: “Nothing.” See, there you go.

Finally, it looks like the Mets’ lineup is pretty much set now. They might add a lefty reliever, but in all likelihood they won’t make any additions to the lineup. God help me for asking this, but are you happy with the current setup of this team?

I am never happy with this team. Ever.

You’re so negative. If this team makes you so unhappy, why don’t you just switch to a different team, or stop watching baseball?

Because I will never find a team to piss me off and baffle me so consistently as this one. Plus, if they ever have a great year and it all pays off, I can’t wait to bust on all the fair-weather bandwagon fans who’ll pop up outta the woodwork.

That’s some dream, Sean.

What is a man without his dreams?