Tag Archives: 2008 election

John McCain: Ambushed

John McCain had to die for George Bush’s sins.

In a fair world, the economic meltdown costs George Bush an election, not John McCain.

In
a fair world, George Bush runs against a charismatic, photogenic
candidate who conducts one of the most brilliantly organized
presidential campaigns ever, a man who arrives at the precise moment in
history when he’s needed the most. And McCain gets to run against a
robot and the winner of a Ted Cassidy look-alike contest.

In
a fair world, George Bush is roasted in the media for idiotic
misstatements, catastrophic misjudgments, and overall out-of-touchness.

In
a fair world, none of these things happen to a man who spent five years
as a POW in Hanoi. They happen to the guy who spent the war doing
kegstands at Yale and protecting El Paso from the Viet Cong

In
a truly fair world, George Bush doesn’t have a powerful daddy to get
him in the Texas National Guard, so he has to go to Vietnam, and maybe
the experience transforms him, so when he becomes president he doesn’t
send servicemen to be maimed and killed on a complete fucking lie.

bushmccain.jpg

Last I checked, life isn’t fair.

Continue reading John McCain: Ambushed

The Election Gods Bow to Math

obamaigotthis.jpg

Election Day was great for baseball. And baseball was great for Election Day.

After the Mets collapsed yet again, I took all the emotional/spiritual/perspirational energy I poured into their hopeless cause and channeled it into following the presidential election. I also focused some of that chi into rooting against the Phillies, which didn’t work out nearly as well.

Like any other good lefty, I read Daily Kos, watched Keith Olbermann, and tsked at Fox News ass-hattery. But it’s easy to overdose on Smug when you live in a liberal bastion like New York and only consume media with which you agree. It’s easy to fool yourself into thinking you know what your fellow Americans feel and want.

I fooled myself in 2004. I never deluded myself into thinking that John Kerry was a magnificent charismatic agent of change because, duh. But considering the state of the country at the time, and the obvious (to me) evil represented by Bush, I concluded that Kerry would prevail. I told myself there was no way Kerry could lose because…well, he couldn’t, could he?

And then I found myself up at 2 in the morning, watching Ohio go to Bush, sucking down beer and wishing I was drunk enough to pass out and forget any of it had ever happened.

Continue reading The Election Gods Bow to Math

Joe Biden: We Have Nothing to Fear But Impending Doom

biden.jpgMark my words. It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy.

Just so we’re clear, I don’t mean in the way that any new president would face challenges. No, I mean, they wanna take down Barack Obama so bad! They’re gonna be on him like ugly on an ape!

And when I say “they,” I don’t mean the right wing talking heads at Fox News. Oh boy, he’s gonna wish it was Fox News coming after him.

As we all know, America has enemies around the globe. Huge, scary enemies! During his first six months in office, I foresee no fewer than five terrorist attacks on American soil.

Okay, I heard some of you in the audience gasp. So let me just say, I don’t have any evidence this will happen. Just a hunch, I guess. Oh, and at least one of those attacks will involve nerve gas.

I know what you’re thinking: We don’t know of any major terrorist organization that has access to nerve gas. But I’m sure any one of them could totally get it if they wanted to. North Korea would be more than willing to sell VX to Al Qaeda. And don’t forget about all the corrupt military officials in Pakistan and Russia. Those guys would sell their grandmas for a couple bucks, and they’re not too fond of the US to begin with.

Trust me, if Bin Laden wants nerve gas, he can get it. There are ways. You don’t even wanna know.

I also think that Al Qaeda will flood our cities’ streets with a new superdrug. It will be twice as addictive as crack and give users bursts of psychosis and ungodly strength, thus creating a new race of ghetto super-criminals.

Just sounds like something they’d try to do. You know, if you think about it.

Looks like a guy fainted in the back row there. Somebody wanna help him out? Thanks.

So what we need to do is remain vigilant and put more resources into security at our nation’s major entry points. And we better do it soon, before guys with bazookas start picking off planes at major airports.

Maybe you think that could never happen, but never say never! They got tougher security at Radio Shack than they do around airport runways. Just sneak under some chainlink fence and you’re in! And you could buy a rocket launcher at a gun show these days–for like nothing! So Al Qaeda gets 10 different guys with bazookas to sneak into airports across the country, then they all start shooting down flights right after take off. It’d be sooo easy do!

What if Al Qaeda was able to insert subliminal messages into kids’ shows? Like, if they had a mole inside Nickelodeon. So our children become suicide bombers and murder us in our sleep. And America becomes full of Children of the Corn Islamo-fascists! Wow, I’m getting chills just thinking about it!

What if they replaced Michelle Obama with a radioactive robot? I saw something like that in an issue of Spider-Man once.

I know, I know, you’re probably sitting there, having just soiled yourself with fear, wondering, “Al Qaeda can’t have this kind of technology, do they?” And you’re right, they probably don’t.

But an act of terrorism doesn’t have to be anything too high-tech, either. What if you just unleashed guys with box cutters in big cities? If a street is crowded enough, you can totally cut somebody and disappear into the crowd and never get caught. Just fade into a faceless sea of humanity. Now imagine that happening in, like, every major city in the country every day! Boy, that’d be really creepy, huh?

So as I was saying, it’s important that we get more federal funds to protecting the home front. Personally, I’d like to see some of those funds set aside so that every American family can purchase a shotgun and basement bunker’s worth of canned food. This would prepare us for the inevitable zombie attacks, of course!

Of course, there’s no such thing as zombies. Now. But there could be, if Al Qaeda goes ahead with its occult experiments and successfully spikes our nation’s water supply.

Believe me, they would love to have this happen under a Barack Obama administration.

So in conclusion, remember to go out and vote the Democratic ticket on November 4th!

Be It Resolved: Reagan May Have Existed

hillary.jpgI find it very troubling that Senator Obama would heap praise on Ronald Reagan, considering how devastating his policies were for our country’s neediest citizens.
obama.jpgSenator Clinton, that accusation is patently
untrue. If you look at my remarks in their full context, you’ll see
that I did not praise Ronald Reagan. I merely said that I’d had a
layover at Ronald Reagan Airport on my way to North Carolina.
hillary.jpgWell, I find it disturbing that you would fly
into Ronald Reagan Airport when Dulles is still a more than serviceable
alternative.
obama.jpgThe record will show that I purchased a direct
flight from Detroit to Raleigh, but excessive turbulence forced the
pilot to make an unscheduled stopover in Washington. I admit that I
purchased a copy of Fantasy Baseball Preview at a newsstand
to pass the time while we waited for the weather to clear up. I have
been considering taking Joba Chamberlain as high as the third round
this year, a decision that I’m sure many of my fellow Americans are
wrestling with at this time.
hillary.jpgI believe you’ve displayed a tacit approval for
his presidency by your unwillingness to parachute out of the plane
before it touched down.
obama.jpgNothing could be further from the truth. I assure
the American people that if I’m elected president, I will constantly
refer to Ronald Reagan as history’s greatest monster.

Continue reading Be It Resolved: Reagan May Have Existed