The Classic Slice Did Not Take Place

These days, strolling through New York recreates for me the experience of viewing a series of double exposure photos. I see the image of what is there and the shadow of what was once there, overlaid on the scene by my memory. Though I’ve long been inured to this eerie sensation, I retain the ability to be disturbed by the sudden realization that a mainstay of my daily landscape has been wiped away when I wasn’t looking. I was hit by such a bombshell last weekend at Paulie Gee’s Slice Shop in Greenpoint. The experience was akin to eating pizza on top of your own grave.

A new venture by the popular brick oven pizza restaurant of the same name, Paulie Gee’s Slice Shop explicitly aims to evoke the classic New York/New Jersey slice joint, and on the big points it more than meets its goal. Its pizza resembles a classic NY/NJ slice both in its components (crust, sauce, cheese) and its assembled whole. The smell from its Bari ovens will be so evocative to a longtime local that it would inspire any Bergen County-born Proust to write seven novels. Its orange polyurethane booths are the exact same kind that local pizzerias have outfitted themselves with for decades. Even its prices are in keeping with its proletarian beau ideal; two slices and a Coke ran me $7 and change, around what you’d pay at any other slice joint. In short, it should stir feelings of homey familiarity to any tri-state native.

And yet, I found the overall Slice Shop experience unsettling, like dining in some Neapolitan uncanny valley, just close enough to a perfect recreation to be disturbing. The more I contemplated the success of Slice Shop’s Xerox job, the more I was nagged by this question: Why is this here?

Slice Shop is not located in some other city where transplants import tap water to recreate New York foodstuffs. It is actually in New York, which is in no danger of running low on pizzerias. (If anything, there is a pizzeria glut, thanks to the curious explosion of $1 slice joints in the last decade.) One day earlier, I had gone to a prototypical (and very good) slice joint only a few blocks from my house, and had to pass no less than three other slice joints to get there. You need only walk two blocks north of Slice Shop to find another classic slice joint—a mediocre one, to be sure, but the distance between a just-okay classic slice and a very good classic slice is a short one. Why dedicate so much time and energy to emulating something that exists mere feet from your doorstep? At first, it struck me as redundant an endeavor as staging Civil War reenactments a mile down the road from Gettysburg in 1863.

And then it dawned on me that the Slice Shop was not really meant for someone like me who has a classic slice joint burned into his/her sensory memory. It is instead intended for someone who is not from New York and, even if they live here, never intends to establish any real sense of home or community here. This person will visit Slice Shop the same way they would visit the Renaissance Fair or Medieval Times, substituting a turkey leg with a folded pepperoni slice. This person imagines the classic slice joint into a history so beyond their lived experience that questions of whether it ever existed (or still does) are irrelevant.

Witness Slice Shop’s curious decision to invoke the early 1980s with aesthetic shorthand like a vintage letterboard over the cash register, a standing TV with an Atari hookup, and framed covers of Bronx Zoo-era Yankees yearbooks. Does pizza = 1980s? Not in and of itself, but the 1980s touchstones are meant to remove the slice joint from contemporary life and drape it in a milieu that subconsciously translates to innocent fun. (Back in the actual 1980s, when New Yorkers definitely did not believe they were living in an innocent time, you would have suggested the same idea by outfitting your establishment in a 1950s style. A thirty-year gap usually suffices to give any decade, no matter how bloody, the veneer of blissful innocence.)

This is why, even though the classic slice joint is very much still in existence, the word nostalgia is employed heavily in the glowing reviews of the Slice Shop. You can’t be nostalgic for the present, but you can recontextualize the slice joint to suggest that your version thereof is the preservation of a long-lost artform. You can make the slice joint experience a luxury item (despite reasonable prices) because it is now a museum piece and thus suited for the new New York that caters only to the tastes and whims of luxury. You silently declare your slice joint to be real, or as real as we can possibly get to something so ancient that it can never be fully recreated. The slice joint literally down the street no longer exists. You have successfully skipped to Baudrillard’s fourth stage of sign-order and covered it with mozzarella.

So as I ate my slices, I contemplated the slice joint near my house, with its posters of Jersey Boys and commedia dell’arte harlequins slurping pasta, its amazing sfincione slices, its indestructible neon orange trays, its stock of fountain soda cups copped in bulk from other restaurants. I swore I had been there 24 hours earlier. I had no idea it was already dead.

The Poor Entrance

Originally published in Newtown Literary Journal Issue 10 (Spring/Summer 2017).

The solider holds his hand out to shake even though he’s handcuffed to a table. The guard behind him grabs his rifle tighter and leans in.

“I’m just showin him I would if I could,” the soldier says. His voice is high-pitched. His words halt at their conclusions as if he is being choked. The guard backs off an inch.

The handcuffed solider does not have the look of someone who would have caved in someone’s skull in with a wrench. I wouldn’t believe he could do it if I hadn’t seen the grainy video footage of him raising a pipe cleaner arm over Dr. Marshall’s head, the bony thing shaking from the effort, before bringing it down on his head. That same arm now pokes out of the sleeve of an orange jumpsuit with plenty of room to spare. His hair is a pale rust color, the kind you used to see on the heads of kids who’d spent the whole summer in a chlorine-saturated pool, chopped into a crewcut grown uneven for lack of maintenance. Glaring pores dot a nose that comes to a sharp point and holds up gold-framed glasses with lenses as thick as a slice of bread.

I tell the soldier I just want to talk.

“Talk about what?” he says. “They’re gonna throw me to the outside. Nothin you or me or nobody else can do about it.”

“Maybe there is something we can do about it,” I tell him. I say this because it seems to rude to say, You’re right, you’re as good as dead, even to a murderer. He shrugs.

“File says you were born in Queens. The tower must be practically in your backyard. Where’d you grow up?”

“So you know Queens,” the soldier grunts.

“Not really, to be honest. I used to know this neighborhood alright, but…”

“No point in me answering, then.”

I shuffle the papers in his file and clear my throat.

“I don’t get why people wanna know,” the soldier says.

“Know what?” I ask.

He yawns.

The soldier responds to all of my questions with a grunt or a smirk, if he responds at all. Do you know how close Dr. Marshall was to finding a cure? warrants the same reaction as The food down here okay?

When I get up to leave, the guard directs the soldier back to his holding cell with the point of his rifle. The cell is a caged-in area the size of a parking space. I know this because the holding area used to be the tower’s garage, the yellow lines outlining the path for the bars extending from floor to ceiling. Every single parking space has been repurposed this way. I used to be jealous of the rich tenants who parked down here because I had to fight my way into curbside spots every other day to stay ahead of the alternate side rules. Not a car in sight now. The first flood carried most of them away. The army removed the rest when they took over.

The soldier is the only prisoner at the moment. The whole row of cages rattles when the guard slams his cell shut. A prison cell shouldn’t rattle. I’d be worried if I thought he cared enough to escape.

Continue reading The Poor Entrance

21 Seasons of Joe Buck’s Fox Promos

Friday night brings us the start of the American League Championship Series. This means Friday night also brings us the return of Joe Buck to the airwaves.

Since 1996, Buck has been the voice of MLB’s postseason on Fox. When I think of Buck—and I think of him often—I don’t hear him calling a game-winning home run or series-clinching strikeout. For my money, the most indelible audio memory of Joe Buck is him being forced to read promos for Fox programming. And I do mean forced, because his android-like delivery of said promos suggests there is someone offscreen with a gun pointed at his head.

As baseball’s playoffs coincide with TV’s traditional season premiere season, Fox has always used its coverage of those playoffs as a vehicle to promote its brand new or soon-to-return shows. Each year Joe Buck has led these broadcasts as their lead play-by-play man—which he has since the last time Ross Perot ran for president—he has had to break away from the exciting playoff action to tell us all about these impending debuts. He knows as well as the anxious baseball fan watching at home that the vast majority of these shows will disappear without a trace three weeks after their birth. He also knows that even the “hits” he’s had to flog are either depressing monuments to fabricated culture (American Idol) or testaments of America’s disturbing flirtation with fascism (24). At least I like to believe Buck recognizes this task as the joyless death march it is, since he reads these announcements in tones that make Mike Francesa’s ad recitations sound like Marlon Brando.

In tribute to this autumn tradition, I’ve assembled a supercut containing Joe Buck promos from every postseason he’s been on the air so far, 1996-2016. You will hear and see him flog programs that I guarantee you have no memory of unless you personally apeared in them (and even then, you might struggle to come up with a name). You will also hear him blame Fred Savage for a power outage and linger a little too long on the charms of Zooey Deschanel. It is a testament to Buck’s dedication that, even when mooning over a pretty young actress, he still sounds as if he gobbled a fistful of Xanax.

Enjoy?

A potentially explosive collection of verbal irritants