My Musical Based on the Oeuvre of the Band Orleans is a Guaranteed Goldmine

orleans.jpgI am prepared to let you in on a golden opportunity, a once in a lifetime kind of thing. I have the exclusive rights to a musical based on the music of Orleans, and with financial backing like yours, we can bring Still the One! it to Broadway.

No, “Still the One” was not their only song. I think you’re forgetting a little song called “Dance with Me”, not to mention the countless other hits they made famous, whose names escape me at this time. This musical uses their entire catalog, up to and including 2008’s Obscurities, an unjustly overlooked masterpiece. By my calculations, you would stand to receive a return on your investment of approximately eleventy-bazillion percent. Give or take.

Think about it. The theater-going public can not get enough of these jukebox musicals like Mamma Mia and Jersey Boys. But none of them contain the music of Orleans. No one’s even tried yet! We swoop in, fill the void, and watch the cash roll in. Between road productions, soundtrack sales, and other related revenue streams, this musical will make a trillion dollars, easy.

You’re exactly right, no musical has ever made anywhere near a trillion dollars. Another gap we can fill!

How do we do it? Generate buzz through controversy. This is the musical the members of Orleans don’t want you to see. Original guitarist/vocalist Larry Hoppen begged me to sell the rights to “Still the One” to one of those bullshit multi-artist musicals like Rock of Ages. He was all like, “That’s real money to me! I got kids in college!” But I insisted that the full, true story of Orleans had to be told. In musical form!

We see Orleans as they struggle to make it during their early days in upstate New York. We see Rolling Stone name them “the best unrecorded band in America”. We see “Still the One” catapult them into stardom and a spot on a legendary tour with Jackson Browne. And just as superstardom is handed to them, it’s snatched away when songwriter John Hall departs to pursue a solo career and eventually become a US Congressman!

No, that’s not the whole thing! That’s just Act One! This thing is epic! We need three whole acts to tell the story of Orleans’ triumphant reformation in 1979! The tragic death of original drummer Wells Kelly while touring with Meat Loaf! Their historic appearance at Woodstock ’94! Their heated debate over whether to let Burger King use “Still the One” in a commercial! I defy you to name me something that has more drama than this!

Okay, the 20 things you just mentioned are somewhat more dramatic than the story of Orleans, granted, but…alright, you can stop naming things now.

How did I get the rights to this musical? I won them in a poker game. Does it matter? Would it make any difference to you if you found out that the original production of Cats was produced on a dare?

No, that’s not actually true. I’m just asking if it would make a difference to you.

You think this one over, because I can’t extend this offer forever. I’ve had this hot property for almost 17 years now, so obviously it’s just a matter of time before someone beats you to the punch.

If you change your mind, I’ll be right here at my desk in the office furniture section of Target, at least until closing time.

Scientists Warn of Steinbrenner Monument’s Effects on the Earth’s Orbit

steinmonument.jpgNEW YORK–Scientists cautioned that the new monument dedicated to George Steinbrenner, unveiled at Yankee Stadium Monday night, may have negative effects on several of the Earth’s astronomical functions. Despite warnings from the scientific community at large, the UN, and several prominent clergymen, construction of the monument–which used 92 percent of the earth’s available deposits of granite–continued unabated for the past year.

“It will definitely influence the earth’s gravitational pull,” said Dr. Henrik Lundegaard, professor of geophysics at Princeton University. “It will probably also have some consequences for the planet’s revolution around the sun.” Lundegaard estimated that, due the monument’s colossal size, “the calendar year will probably lengthen a full day by the year 2031, and exponentially more each year thereafter, which will have untold consequences for life as we know it.”

The Yankees were unfazed by such revelations. “I think it’s a fitting tribute to The Boss,” said shortstop Derek Jeter. “All he wanted to do was win, and what bigger victory is there than beating the tilt of the Earth’s axis?”

“We all loved Mr. Steinbrenner,” said pitcher Andy Pettite, “and I think it’s only appropriate that his monument should have its own climate.” This separate ecosystem, reportedly a temperate zone, may explain the appearance of several tornadoes on the Grand Concourse within the last week.

A spokesman for the Yankees confirmed that the team will unveil a monument to the Steinbrenner monument during the 2012 season. “It will take that long for us to locate and mold an appropriate amount of adamantium,” the spokesman said.

Mike Francesa Can’t Say Anything About the Jets

francesa.jpgAlright, NFL week two is almost in the books, and I gotta man up here. I gave Rex Ryan and his team a lotta grief last week when they came up small against the Ravens. I was rough on him with my words. I did not treat him kindly with my mouth.

I called Rex classless. I said he was a joke. I said Mawk Sanchez was not an NFL quawtaback. I said some terrible things about Darelle Revis, and LaDainian Tomlinson, and Curtis Martin, just to be safe.

But let’s face it, the Jets had a big game yesterday against the Pats. A hu-yuge game. An enawmous contest. A gargantuan other-word-for-game. A game that they really had to win, if you wanna be honest. But they did, and I gotta give ’em credit.

They shut me up. After trashin em all last week, I cannot say one thing about the Jets, because I was wrong about em. They did their job and then some, and also more. So I can’t talk at all about the Jets. They are a team that I can not uttah a single word about. I gotta just shut my mouth about the Jets. You will not hear anothah syllable from me in regards to the Jets. If there are sounds coming out of my windpipe that resemble the patterns of speech normally associated with language, you can guarantee they will not be about the Jets, for that is a team that I can say nothin about.

Alright, let’s go to the phones. Paulie is callin from Ho-Ho-Kus. Paulie, what’s going on?

Hey Mike, hu-yuge Giants fan here, but I gotta agree, you can’t say nothin about the Jets after Sunday.

You can’t. You just can’t. Listen, the Jets shut me up. I’m done talkin about the Jets.

I was sayin a lotta the same things you was sayin about em…

I’m sure you were. We all were sayin things. You know the things we were sayin. I can’t say em no more, but you know what I was sayin.

Exactly. But now, I gotta just keep my mouth shut about the Jets.

You will not hear a peep outta me about the Jets this week. Not one. Of course, if they stink up the joint in Miami next weekend, I’ll be screamin at em again. But I can’t talk about that, because it hasn’t happened yet. For now, I will not say anything about the Jets. Don’t ask me to talk about the Jets. I’m done!

On last question, Mike. I got this buddy at work, huge Jets fan. He’s been givin me crap all day about how the Giants did against the Colts. Can I beat him savagely with a tire iron?

You not only can, you must. Alright, we got a go to a break, but when we come back, I’ll have Jon Heyman on, and he’ll tell me stuff that other writers tweeted three hours ago. Stay tuned for that.

A potentially explosive collection of verbal irritants