Won’t Somebody PLEASE Think of the Children?!

Before I was a parent, I always wanted to call bullshit on those fretful moms and dads whose reactions to upsetting World News always boils down to “What will we tell the children?!” It seemed such a narcissistic and narrow view of the universe, that all human endeavors should be slotted into one of two categories: Good/Bad For The Stupid Fruit Of My Loins.

F’rinstance, during the Great Clinton Blowjob Scandal, supposedly the biggest problem our nation faced was how to explain the whole sordid episode to the kiddies. Of less importance, apparently, was the fact that the nation was thrown into a Constitutional crisis because our Commander-in-Chief wanted a hummer. Or that the same Guardians of Decency who wanted to punish him for said “offense” had no problem discussing the intimate details of The Presidential Schlong on TV.

But I also used to think that, as a non-parent, it wasn’t really my place to tell folks with children how to feel. Maybe I would become just as prudish as Helen Lovejoy once I reproduced.

Now, I have reproduced. And I return to call bullshit on those fretful moms and dads.

Continue reading Won’t Somebody PLEASE Think of the Children?!

Playing Catch-Up

Hello, and happy new year to all. As will become abundantly clear, the post below was written before Xmas. I never got a chance to post it, so now here it is in all its outdated glory. Enjoy, and I will have more timely stuff posted very very soon.

The Baby has made a few forays into Outer Space (= Not The Living Room) in her first few weeks on planet earth, but most of these trips have been to relatives’ houses. Friendly territory, where she gets poked and prodded and photographed until her psychological defense mechanisms kick in and render her catatonic. So we thought it might be a good idea to toughen the girl up, get her out of the house and acquainted with the evil world that will one day crush her fragile spirit once she’s sufficiently cognizant to realize its true depths. Fun!

My original plan was to teach her some survival skills. We would drive out to the Meadowlands and drop her off in a tied-up sack with a map and some C-rations, to see if she could find her way home. But The Wife suggested that this might be seen as child abuse.

So we did something more acceptable to society but no less cruel–we took her to the mall. We had Xmas shopping to do, and there’s only so many people you can buy hilariously ironic eBay gifts for. “Here, Uncle Phil, have this Lucky Strike ad clipped out of 1954 issue of Collier’s. It’s funny ‘cuz it’s old!”

Continue reading Playing Catch-Up

Video Clips Rejected from the “This Is Our Country” Commercials

* Rugged-looking men in cowboy hats at a diner argue over how to split a check seven ways.

* Amelia Earhart suppresses a belch.

* A man proudly polishes his classic convertible, oblivious to the rusted undercarriage that has completely destroyed its resale value.

* Apple-cheeked kids choose up sides for a sandlot baseball game, with the one unpicked child running home to write a devastating three-act play about isolation and despair.

* Abraham Lincoln pulls an ambulance out of a ditch thanks to the amazing towing capacity of his Chevy Silverado.

* A tearful elderly veteran salutes a parade, unaware it is a part of local Gay Pride Day festivities.

* Football fans in a sports bar cheer as the opposing quarterback suffers a torn Achilles tendon.

* Hippies dance barefoot in a verdant field, are tear-gassed by National Guard troops.

* An office worker laughs nervously at his boss’s vaguely racist joke.

* President Warren G. Harding waves to an unseen crowd, the weary smile on his face indicative of the physical and emotional toll of the Teapot Dome Scandal.

* Middle-aged men enjoy river rafting while contemplating the benefits of natural male enhancement.

* Giddy newlyweds burst through a church doorway, pursued by angry parishioners.

* Grainy kinetoscope footage of Thomas Edison, where it totally looks like he’s flipping off the camera.

* A woodsman takes a break from his hard work, rests on a stack of felled trees, is promptly attacked by wolves.

* Construction workers mill around at a job site, wondering where the hell the new guy is with the coffee.

* Teddy Roosevelt returns an ill-fitting pair of jeans to the Gap, without a receipt.

* A grandmother leaves an apple pie at her kitchen window to cool, sighs, looks deeply and utterly hopeless.

* Bobbysoxers scream for Frank Sinatra, are tear-gassed by National Guard troops.

* A carefree young girl blows bubbles, triggers a unexpectedly violent allergic reaction for her mother.

* Enraged man punches temperamental office copy machine, injures his hand, brings unwanted attention from his supervisor.

* Vince Lombardi kicks Saddam Hussein in the crotch.

Shake for Me, Baby

Once again, I have been delinquent in updating the site. But at least this time, I have a perfectly legitimate excuse for my delinquency: 6 lbs 4 oz to be exact. I’d love to post a picture of our little bundle of loudness, but knowing the evils that lurk on the interweb, I’m sure my jpeg would wind up the victim of some nefarious Photoshopper.

How are the first few weeks of parenting? I touch another human’s feces on a daily basis. I’ve gotten about 20 minutes of sleep within the past 12 days (which is probably 20 minutes more than The Wife has). And despite rarely getting sick, exhaustion has allowed my immune system to accept the worst cold I’ve had in years. So sleep deprivation, sickness, and humiliating tasks–it’s kinda like being a POW, but I’m surrounded by pacifiers.

Continue reading Shake for Me, Baby

NFL Week 10 with Rush Limbaugh

Two words for last week’s picks: Ug-Lee. Week 9 had a lot of underdogs winning, and a lot of overdogs either choking or deciding to win their games by razor thin margins. Hey, Eli Manning–Plaxico’s not on the field; try throwing a pass that’s not 11 feet in the air. And see if you can beat the fucking Texans by more than four points. Asshole.

The tallies for week 9: win/loss 7-7; points, 5-9. That brings the season’s grand total to:

Win/Loss: 84-43
Points: 62-63

So for the first time this year, I’ve fallen below .500. I would blame my guest picker, but he had a hard enough week as it is. I tried to get now-ex-Senator George Allen to contribute, but he’s a tad bitter about pigskin right now; carrying a football around to every damn campaign stop did him no apparent good. So instead, I turn to ex-Monday Night Football commentator/right-wing radio yakker/acceptable drug addict Rush Limbaugh.

Buffalo at Indianapolis: I admire Peyton Manning’s commitment to excellence almost as much as I do his commitment to free enterprise. He’s set to break Tiki Barber’s all-time season record for commercial endorsements. If you remember that DirecTV ad where he tells the viewer to turn over to another, more interesting game, I think this contest will resemble that spot. Indianapolis by 8.

San Francisco at Detroit: A bet for the 49ers on the road is a bet for Nancy Pelosi and her San Francisco values! Detroit by 6.

San Diego at Cincinnati: With the Democrats back in power, expect to see a return to the revolving-door justice system of years past. For a preview of this grim new world, just look at the incarcer-rific Bengals, who’ve logged more trips to the pokey than offensive yards. The Chargers will be more than a match for this band of convicts, even without Shawne Merriman, a talented young man who got a bit too zealous in his self-medication regimen. Look, we’ve all been there, haven’t we? San Diego by 5.

Continue reading NFL Week 10 with Rush Limbaugh

Stand Up! You Are an American!

I’m a terrible American.

Tuesday marked the first time since I’d turned 18 that I didn’t vote. Like many an antihero, my patriotic impulses were thwarted by bureaucratic BS. My car was up for inspection this week, see, and I had no time before D-Day to get it checked out. My father-in-law offered to take it to a guy he knows, but in order to do so, I had to drive the car over to his place after work yesterday. This took a good chunk out of potential voting time.

Plus, I hadn’t re-registered in my new neighborhood. So in order to vote, I’d have to go back to Greenpoint, which is nigh impossible to do in the evening without a car. Beyond rush hour, the local buses run like a fat asthmatic kid with a torn ACL. Long story short, time, tide, and the affairs of the DMV conspired to thwart my civic duties.

But if I’m honest with myself, I can say that if I really, really, really wanted to vote, I would have found a way to do so. I didn’t.

Continue reading Stand Up! You Are an American!

ESPN Countdown: The Debate Rages!

berman.jpgCHRIS BERMAN:
Boomer here, barking atcha for another slam-dangle, froo-farah,
mama-say-mama-sha-mama-kusah edition of NFL Countdown LIVE! Or whatever
the hell we’re calling it now. There’s a full slate of roast-’em
tenderize-’em down-ya-go action this Sunday, but rather than focusing
on all the exciting matchups, we figure our audience would rather watch
ex-players in suits scream at each other. The big battle this week is
happening in foxy Foxboro, Taxachusetts, where the Ponies gallop in to
take on the Patriot Act. Of course, my question has no real answer, and
one could make a case for either side depending on personal
preferences. So let’s debate it as if it’s a friggin’ North Korean
nuclear summit. Who is the better QB, Peyton “Place” Manning or Tom
“Three Times A” Brady?


irvin.jpgMICHAEL IRVIN:
I wanna tell ya Chris, [unintelligible] Colts [garbled] not T.O.’s
fault [possibly Sanskrit] “White House” [still garbled] so that wasn’t
my pipe, know what I’m sayin’?


jaws.jpgRON JAWORSKI:
You’re right, Boomer, there really is no answer here. Manning and Brady
are both excellent quarterbacks. Manning is a more gifted athlete, of
course, but Brady has the rings, so…

ditka.jpgMIKE DITKA:
Ron, allow me to interrupt you and completely dismiss you as a human
being. The NFL is about winning, unlike all other sports leagues. Brady
has won three Super Bowls, while Manning’s barely won any playoff games
at all. Until Peyton can capture as many championships as Brady, he’s a
worthless piece of shit who should thank whatever horse-headed pagan
god he believes in that I haven’t killed him yet.

berman.jpgBERMAN:
So Coach “I Know What You” Ditka “Last Summer”, you’re saying that Tom
“A Very” Brady “Christmas” is vastly superior to Peyton Manning “The
Torpedoes”?

jaws.jpgJAWORSKI:
By your logic, Jon Kitna is a much better quarterback than Peyton
Manning simply because he rode the Ravens’ defense to a Super Bowl ring.

ditka.jpg
DITKA:
The ring proves it. In this league, jewelry trumps natural ability.
Brady’s Pats could lose 85-0 to Manning and Colts, and Brady would
still be the better QB in every way.

jaws.jpgJAWORSKI:
Just so I’m clear, you just said,using your brain and your mouth, that
Brady could lose to Manning badly, like he did last year, but still be
better than him. [shakes his head violently]

irvin.jpgIRVIN:
I wanna tell you, you wanna talk about the championship bling, Brady’s
got it. [grumbling, throat clearing] interception [ancient incantation
that almost awakens a demon] mink coat [an car engine backfiring] It’s
snowin’ backstage, you feel me?

berman.jpgBERMAN:
For the record, I think that Peyton “A” Manning “For All Seasons” is
better than Tom Brady “Brook Farms Turkey”, because saying so allowed
me to use two more wacky nicknames.

jaws.jpgJAWORSKI:
Of course you can make the argument that Tom Brady is one of the best
“field general” quarterbacks of our era. But the debate is less clear
cut when you consider…

ditka.jpg
DITKA:
No no no no, I will not waffle on this issue. You are dumb and wrong
and you used to play for the Eagles and you’re wrong. Peyton Manning
will never be better than a piece of dog shit stuck to the bottom of my
shoe–unless and until he wins the next seven Super Bowls on one
last-second Hail Mary pass that also somehow rescues a little girl from
a burning building.

irvin.jpgIRVIN:
They gonna be some Patriot Games up in Foxboro, you feel me?
[irrecoverable error, some data may be lost] Cleveland steamer [static
between radio stations] y’all remember that group EPMD?

jaws.jpgJAWORSKI: Jesus fucking Christ, are all of you people retarded?

tjackson.jpgTOM JACKSON : I’m not, Jaws. I just wanted to come on the air and say that Tiki Barber is dead to me. You hear that, Unibrow?

berman.jpgBERMAN:
Okay, when we come back, another useless, unresolveable debate: Is this
the week that we finally make a passer out of Michael Vick “Of It All”?

irvin.jpgIRVIN: Ron Mexico!

ditka.jpg
DITKA:
The point of being a quarterback isn’t to pass–it’s to win ballgames
for his team, and Michael Vick always does that, except when he
doesn’t. Even when the Falcons lose, he helps his team win.

jaws.jpgJAWORSKI: [swallows arsenic tabet]

NFL Week 9 Picks by Karl Rove

rove.jpgI finished up my year of NFL picks at MSN Sports Filter on a decidedly sour note. Two bad weeks in a row; my week 8 tallies were 7-7 win/loss, 6-8 points. That showing brought my tally on the season to:

Win/Loss: 77-36
Points: 57-56

Obviously, I need some high-powered help. So this week, Scratchbomb.com is pleased to welcome a guest handicapper for our NFL picks. You may remember him from such unbridled successes as “the Valerie Plame scandal”, “the Mark Foley cover up” and “you forgot Poland”. Here’s Republican strategist/pork vacuum Karl “Turdblossom” Rove.

Atlanta at Detroit: A good solid red state versus a city full of, um, traditional Democrat voters. Try and guess who I’m picking! I don’t know if Michael Vick will continue his chuck-tastic ways, but it won’t matter much against the toothless Lions. I know Vick’s a lefty, but I forgive him. Atlanta by 8.

Continue reading NFL Week 9 Picks by Karl Rove

Attention All Personnel: Incoming Fashion!

cojocaru.jpgHere to preview this fall’s hottest fashions is Ivan Billotte, design guru/professional gay stereotype perpetuator.

I’m back, darlings! Autumn is my favorite time of year, except for all the others when I get paid to tell women what to wear! The leaves are changing, the temps are dropping, so you know what that means: The top designers unveil their latest soups!

Look: You can’t be seen out there with just any soup, can you? Of course not! You want to walk around with some Chicken And Stars on your arm? What is this, the Midwest? Or get caught in a deli sipping Split Pea And Ham like some homeless Nebraskan? Gag me!

Luckily, you won’t have to make decisions for yourself! I got a sneak peek at all the latest brews at the annual opening of Soup Week here in Manhattan, and honey, I’m gonna set you straight on the hottest soups this season! They’re gonna warm you up–with fashion!

Carrot Ginger, Cosi: I tell you, everyone, but everyone was waiting to catch a glimpse of this one on the runway. We were not disappointed. So bold with the orange, but so right! And the tartness of the ginger brings it right back around. Just the kind of saucy number for a take-no-prisoners night on the town! Mm-mm good!

Seafood Bisque, Au Bon Pain: Smaller bites, Au Bon Pain–you’re ripping off more than you can chew! I pull up my spoon, I see all these little tentacles and bits of clam. Too much! Apparently, they didn’t get the memo–we look to you guys for “simple and unpretentious”, not “swimming with bottom feeders”. Stick to Jalapeno Asiago bagels, honey!

Broccoli and Cheddar, Hale and Hearty: The green, the yellow–it’s almost a little too 70s for me. I was ready to run away screaming, but then this little number came right back from the edge and redeemed itself. Perfect for the office or just kicking it with the girls over Sunday brunch. Accessorize with some oyster crackers, and you’re ready to take on the world, sweetie!

Chicken and Sausage Gumbo, Metro: This was a stunning, just stunning tribute to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. A perfect representation of their fighting, spicy spirit, or something. I really have to hand it to Metro–they really know how to use an enormous human tragedy in order to make soup.

Mulligitawny Soup, The Original Soup Man: I’m sorry, he can call himself “original” all he wants, but I’m pretty sure I had this soup same time last year, girlfriend! Listen, nobody has more respect for him than I do. I don’t think anyone will forget his Italian Wedding Soup back in ’03–he officially declared himself the Jimi Hendrix of little tiny meatballs. But it’s time to stop resting on your laurels and get back to making some soup, snookums!

That’s all for now, lollipops! Check back with my in a few weeks, right around Thanksgiving, when I’ll have my report from the yearly Mashed Potato Proms in Paris!

Ivan Billotte earns his living shaming women and dressing like a retarded 6-year-old scarecrow.

Continue reading Attention All Personnel: Incoming Fashion!

Mota-ta

Oh blimey.

I was hoping the first Mets-related news of November would be an awesome trade or free agent signing. MINAYA NABS DONTRELLE WILLIS IN EXCHANGE FOR VICTOR ZAMBRANO AND BAG OF BALLS. Or some other bit of good news like PEDRO MARTINEZ’S SHOULDER REHAB MONTHS AHEAD OF SCHEDULE; NEW ROBOTIC ARM CAN THROW 150 MPH, HEAL LEPERS.

Sadly, this is not the case. No, the first Amazin’ headline of the 11th month is late-season acquisition Guillermo Mota, who tested positive for something bad and will be suspended for the first 50 games of the 2007 season.

Continue reading Mota-ta

A potentially explosive collection of verbal irritants