LeBron James' one-hour ESPN special--THE DECISION--marks a sea change in sports, media, and sports media. And none of these changes are good.

I struggled to think of something snotty or sarcastic to write about this event, but the more I wracked my brain, the more I came back to this simple fact: This is not funny at all. This is deeply, deeply fucked up.

Yes, LeBron is donating advertising proceeds for this thing to The Boys and Girls Clubs (how much of the total proceeds remains to be seen). But that just sugarcoats what this really is: An enormous figure in a certain field buying a glorified infomercial on the number one news outlet for that field. ESPN is supposed to be a news organization, and this pretty much destroys any objectivity and credibility they have.

It's certainly not the first time ESPN has kowtowed before a huge star in a certain sport. They cover each agonizing Brett Favre retirement saga with unquestioning reverence. Despite whispers that Tiger Woods might not be the best guy in the world, ESPN never had any tough questions for him until his personal problems became un-ignorable.

Such glossing-over and looking the other way is unremarkable in sports media. There's always been an undercurrent of Hero Worship amongst sports reporters, and most of them would rather keep locker room access than lose it by asking pointed questions. But to actually allow an athlete to, for all intents and purposes, buy time on your network to erect a monument to himself? That brings this to a whole other, creepy level.

LeBron has chosen ESPN to be the stage for this exclusive show, which makes sense, since he's been their lead story every single day since the NBA Finals ended. But what kind of favor does that buy? What happens when a news network becomes so invested in a certain person that person can not fail and can not be made to look bad? If you took a peek at FOX News between the years of 2000 and 2008, you might have an idea.

And yes, of course, the stakes are much, much lower for anything LeBron will do with his life than the things that FOX News covers on a daily basis. It's not a perfect analogy, but I think you can see parallels, no?

What is the purpose of this event? The purpose of this event is to be an event. THE DECISION has nothing to do with the NBA, or basketball, or even sports, really. It is just another spectacle in the never-ending summer blockbuster that is LeBron James. He's not a competitor--he's a conglomerate. There are many athletes in many sports about whom you could say the same, but LeBron is the ne plus ultra.

There's always been something unseemly about LeBron James the Public Figure, something unapproachable and removed from mere humanity, right down to his nickname: King James. What is his biggest ad campaign? We Are All Witnesses. There is no interaction between LeBron and the rest of the world. We must simply stand back and watch what he does, because we could never hope to touch his regal garments.

Even when he gets goofy, it's weirdly insular. Like the ads from a few years ago, where he played different members of a fictional LeBron family. It's still LeBron playing with himself. Only LeBron is good enough to be with LeBron.

Whoever LeBron signs with, this special will be a celebration of nothing but himself. We'll get the obligatory soft-focus interview, with softball questions about how tough this all must be for him. Slo-mo shots of LeBron throwing the chalk dust in the air (ironically, in front of adoring crowds he will, in all likelihood, now turn his back on). And then he'll hand the rose to some lucky team, and ESPN will get to EXCLUSIVELY dissect the move and what it means for the NBA--while never mentioning the fact that the NBA is a joke for allowing this grotesque spectacle to happen.

And for what? So a "legend" can feel more legendary. So a guy who received $90 million from Nike before he bounced a single professional dribble can extend his brand to that 0.0001% portion of the globe that doesn't know him already. All from an athlete who has said lots of things about marketing over the years (like how he wants to be the world's first billion dollar athlete), but precious little about winning anything.

This is the worst part of all of this: The sport's highest-profile player has zero interest in winning anything. The whole point of sports is that everyone playing is trying their best to win. If you don't have that, what do you have? LeBron is not a basketball player. He's a multimedia superstar who plays basketball. He would be doing the same thing if he played baseball or lacrosse or was a professional pillow fighter. Winning doesn't matter to him because in his universe, he has already won.

I don't care how humble LeBron's origins are. This is as bad as if Donald Trump bought an hour of prime time to eat diamonds (which I guess is what The Apprentice is, in a way).

THE DECISION gross and decadent and monstrous and just plain wrong. I can imagine ancient Roman gladiators deciding who they would kill in the arena with such trumped up pomp and ceremony. It makes me ashamed to be a sports fan, and a little ashamed to be an American.

This is definitely an Alien vs. Predator situation: No matter who wins, we lose.

So hey, remember those Best Show Logs I was doing a while back? I'm still doing them, buddy. How dare you insinuate otherwise?!

This post is to let alla y'all know that a good chunk of 2003 has now been posted. You can click here to check it out, or you can click the link in the Best Show Logs widget in the column to your right.

Corrections are always welcome and can posted to the comments or emailed to me. Complaints can be addressed to the nearest large wall.

1B--Ryan Howard: Another solid season from the big guy. I know some people wanted me to take Joey Votto instead, just because he's having an MVP-caliber season. But Ryan's my guy, and I need a team full of "my guys" if I want to win this totally meaningless exhibition that determines home field advantage in the World Series for some reason.

2B--Chase Utley: I know Chase is out for 2 months after surgery on his thumb, but he's still my guy. I'll just put up one a them cages we put on the infield during batting practice. Or maybe we'll do a designated fielder. We can do that, right?

SS--Larry Bowa: I was tempted to go with Jimmy Rollins, but I decided to go old school with Larry. A Phillies legend, no doubt, and that old son of a bitch can still shotgun a can of Schlitz. Betcha Jose Reyes can't do that. Pussy.

3B--Jorge Rodriguez: Owns the bodega 'round the corner from me. Always has my brand of chaw stocked. Good egg.

OF--Bill Kennedy, Fred Derwin, Johnny Finnerty: The bartenders down at Mulcahy's. They make sure my friend Jim Beam never leaves me for too long.

Pitching Staff--My weekly poker game: Gotta have something to do while I'm out there in California. There's not much else going on in Los Angeles.

Most of us red-blooded Americans enjoyed a long weekend for the Fourth of July, but Bill Madden of the New York Daily News was hard at work on one of the dumbest, lamest columns I've ever read. You may have missed this piece of work as you barbecued or blew your arm off with a mortar, but I caught it.

This is a time of year where we're supposed to celebrate those who made possible all of our cherished freedoms, but this column almost made me wish we were a little less free. It not only subtracted a few IQ points off of its readers, but it also shaved thinner the dividing line between Sports Nerd and Comic Book Geek.

Recently, I took Madden to task for some remarks he made on WFAN about George Steinbrenner, as he promoted his biography of The Boss. The Daily News article also involved Steinbrenner, but in the dorkiest way possible. In my last post about Madden, I just thought the longtime sportswriter was just being myopic and selective in his memories of the Yankees' owner. Now I think Madden might be in love with him. Because in Madden's world, through Steinbrenner, all things are possible.

Here's the premise of his column, entitled "If Boss Ruled Knicks": In the alternate universe where George Steinbrenner owns the Knicks, LeBron James would sign with them in a minute, because George Steinbrenner is magical and everything he touches turns to gold.

Why is Madden even contemplating such a fantasy world this weekend? Because as you all know, George Steinbrenner was born on the Fourth of July. You all know this because Steinbrenner himself would be more than happy to drill that fact into your head with all the trumped-up patriotism in which he wrapped his team over the years. (Not so much from his Watergate-related conviction, but then again, what's more American than illegal campaign contributions?)

It's not until you get 3/4 of the way through the column that Madden mentions a deal that almost went down in the late 1990s, in which the Yankees, Knicks, and Rangers would've been part of one huge Cablevision-owned conglomerate. That fact makes Madden's fantasia at least plausible. But even if this deal had happened, do you think egos such as Steinbrenner's and the Dolans' could've coexisted long enough to allow The Boss to still be involved with the Knicks more than a decade later? Of course not. Within 6 months, somebody would've dropped out or been murdered.

Marvel Comics used to have a series called What If...?, where various hypotheticals of the Marvel Universe were explored. Madden has basically written that, in one of the largest newspapers in America, about two of the biggest figures in sports. It's not journalism. It's not even opinion. It's fan fiction. If the Daily News is going to publish stuff like this, why don't they just run short stories written by 15 year olds where Buffy the Vampire Slayer meets Jack Skellington?

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- LeBron James' jersey, the most sought after free agent jersey in the National Basketball Association, continues to conduct meetings with interested teams today. The media has descended on Mitchell and Ness headquarters in Pennsylvania as LeBron James' jersey tries to come to a decision. It is the most highly anticipated free agent jersey signing since Kobe Bryant's jersey switched its number in 2006.

In the 48 hours since the NBA's free agent signing period began, LeBron James' jersey--arguably one of the most famous jerseys in all of sports--has already met with the Miami Heat, the Chicago Bulls, the New York Knicks, and the New Jersey Nets. The Los Angeles Clippers and Cleveland Cavaliers will conference with the jersey at some point today.

With all teams expected to offer LeBron James' jersey the maximum amount allowed by the NBA's salary cap, other incentives will come into play in the jersey's decision. The Nets have pitched their red, white, and blue color scheme, while the Heat hope that their wide array of home and away uniform styles will intrigue the jersey.

The Golden State Warriors have not been considered a serious suitor for LeBron James' jersey as of yet. But some insiders feel that if the team was able to clear some cap room, they could enter the hunt. Golden State could be an interesting destination for LeBron James' jersey, despite a dearth of on-court talent and a front office in rebuilding mode, because of the team's array of sweet throwback unis.

"Can you image LeBron James' jersey in one of those sick 'The City' tops from the early 70s?" asked one league GM. "They'd fly off the shelves. It'd make the Warriors unstoppable, from a marketing standpoint."

Meanwhile, in Beaverton, Oregon, the buzz around LeBron James' shoes has been far less brisk, but is expected to pick up once LeBron James' jersey finally comes to a decision.

"Once LeBron James' jersey signs, I expect to see a scramble for the next tier of free agent merchandise," guessed another league GM. "LeBron's shoes, Dwayne Wade's jersey, and Chris Bosh's sweatbands would go next, I think. And other teams may hope to avoid this drama next year. I hear the Nuggets are trying to work out an extension with Carmelo Anthony's sleeve thingy."

FX's new show, Louie, has only aired two episodes, but it might already be the best show on TV. Party Down would've given it a run for its money, but as of yesterday, Party Down no longer exists. (Hey Starz, go zuck it.) I don't mean Louie is the best comedy-starring-a-stand-up-legend, or the best sitcom, or the best show on non-network TV. I feel like it is already better than 98% of anything currently airing on TV, anywhere.

Granted, I had high hopes for this show already, since I am a huge, huge fan of the stand-up of the show's creator/writer/director, Louis C.K. And he also wrote for Conan O'Brien, Chris Rock, and The Dana Carvey Show, so his comedy pedigree could not be higher.

But I also had high hopes for his last foray into sitcomery, HBO's Lucky Louie, and that didn't quite work out. For that show, Louis C.K. wanted to make a modern Norman Lear-type sitcom, with threadbare sets and working class characters. It was an awesome idea, but one that didn't quite make it. I don't know if it was a failure of concept or execution, but it just never clicked into place. I REALLY tried to love Lucky Louie, I really did, but I could never make it past "like". HBO must have agreed, since they canceled it after one season.

That's why I don't believe my judgment is clouded by my feelings about the parties involved, and I can honestly say that Louie is outstanding. It is simultaneously the funniest and darkest thing I've seen on TV in years. It is jam packed with LOLs and has moments of despair as bleak as anything you've seen on The Sopranos or The Wire--often at the same time.

Louis C.K. basically plays himself, a divorced dad of two stumbling his way back into the single world. It also features clips of his stand-up, which as a sort of Greek chorus to the rest of the action, and are easily the funniest thing on the show. That's not a comment on the rest of the show--it's a comment on how Louis C.K. is one of the best stand-up comedians alive. (Video below via Videogum)



I was practically in tears at the last half of this set. And as I laughed, part of me thought, Jesus Christ, why am I laughing at this? Because in pure substance, what Louis C.K. is saying is HORRIFYING. And not in a gross-out way. In a "we're all gonna die and life is meaningless" way.

Just look at it written down: How "the best case scenario" for any relationship is "you're gonna lose your best friend and just walk back from D'Agostino's every day with heavy bags and wait for your turn to be nothing also". Or how bringing a puppy home is saying to your family, "Look everyone, we're all gonna cry soon! I brought home us crying in a few years! Countdown to sorrow!"

The only reason this doesn't sound like a suicide note is because it's presented comedically, in a Comedy Context, so we can all laugh and say, "Yeah, you're right, most things we think are important are really kinda pointless, and when you get right down to it, that's funny."

Ask yourself: When was the last time TV show came even close to saying something like that?

But the non-stand-up segments are amazing, too. One thing this show does extremely well: showing New York in its actual cramped, annoying glory. It's not the Sex and the City New York, but much closer to the real New York, where people live in tiny, shitty apartments and there's traffic and everybody's sweaty and weird.

In the first episode, Louie picks up a girl at her apartment for what turns out to be the most awkward date in the history of time (he shows up wearing a suit, while she prepares to hit the town in a tank top, and it all goes downhill from there). As they're leaving her apartment building, he tries to open the front door for her, but opening the door traps her in one corner of the building's tiny vestibule. He closes the door just enough to let her through, then makes a fumbling attempt to kiss her, made even more uncomfortble the claustrophobic setting. The scene lasted maybe 20 seconds, but it's the most perfect, New York-y scene I've seen in a long time.

Louie is also one of the best directed and edited shows on TV in many years. It's so artfully done, which is amazing considering it's made on a relatively low budget and a tight shooting schedule (see this Onion AV Club interview for full deets). Like the scene in the vestibule, which was shot from above, all in one take, so you could feel just how awkward and interminable that moment felt. He might have been able to wring more cheap laughs out of close-ups and quick cuts, but obviously the feeling he wanted to convey was more important than the laughs-per-square-inch.

To me, that's a sign of maturity. Louie is not needy. It's a show that already knows exactly what it is and trusts that people will understand it.

I can't remember the last time I was so impressed with the first two episodes of anything, and not since Annie Hall has someone so skillfully tread the line between comedy and sorrow. Louie is a work of art, and I think you should watch it if you like things that are amazing.

Many of you in ze press have called for replay in futbol. Zis is not possible. FIFA, she believes in humanity, and all of its flaws.

Zey say we can just watch zese replays and fix ze mistakes of our referees. And I say, what was broken zat needs to be fixed? Technically, yes, the calls are incorrect. But it is not ze point of what we call Ze Beautiful Game to get things right. Perish the thought! How unbelievably gauche.

And in ze final analysis, what is right, anyhow? Getting things correct? Technically, yes. But zis does not concern us.

Europeans believe in humanity. We are, after all, the land that gave the world Beethoven, Einstein, Camus, and Benny Hill. Humans make mistakes, and we should not "correct" zat any more zan we should "correct" a sunrise or a volcano. If zat means a team gets eliminated from World Cup contention on an obvious handball, or two round-of-16 matches are almost ruined by hideous calls--so be it.

Who believes in replay? Americans, that's who. Zey strive for robotic efficiency and perfection. It sickens me. Let zem have zeir pasteurized cheese and frozen foods and filtered cigarettes. Ze rest of ze futbol world, we shall embrace humanity. Flawed, ugly, stupid humanity.

We believe zis teaches a valuable nature to our players about ze true nature of ze universe: Zat we live in void which is, if not godless, zen ruled by a blind idiot god whose arbitrary decisions make no sense to our minds. Against such hopelessness, what can mankind do but assert our free will, however pointless is may be?

So zere will be no replay or review of any kind. Not for any play on the pitch. Or our disastrous, nepotistic hotel scheme. Or our completely unfair ticket reselling policies. We at FIFA believe in humanity far too much to allow zat to happen. In particular, we believe in covering ze asses of ze collection of humanity known as our leadership.

To humanity!

As I write this, all the rumor, scuttlebutt, and foofara points to Bobby Valentine becoming the next manager of the Florida Marlins. This would distress me greatly, because I love Bobby V, and I despise the Marlins.

I actually don't hate any player on the Marlins. I just have no respect for them, as an organization. They've won two World Series and dismantled themselves immediately after winning both of them. They take revenue sharing money from MLB and refuse to spend it on their roster unless shamed by Bud Selig into doing so (when Selig sides against an owner, you know they're really doing something wrong). They play in a cavernous, charmless stadium that they couldn't fill if each seat came with a free beer and blow job. And their owner is easily the biggest shitheel in baseball now that George Steinbrenner is retired.

One of my most painful baseball memories: seeing the Mets lose to the Marlins on the last day of the 2008 season, the last game ever at Shea. The loss prevented them from finishing in a tie with the Brewers for the wild card, and brought on another long winter.

Yes, the blame falls on the Mets themselves for letting this happen. But after the Mets made the last out, the Marlins hugged and high-fived on the field like a bunch of Little Leaguers who just earned a trip to Chuck E. Cheese. I know teams congratulate each other on the field all the time, but this was a prolonged, obnoxious celebration. They milked this bit for every last drop, as angry fans screamed GET OFF THE DAMN FIELD!! It was basically a huge extended middle finger to everyone in the crowd, and I will hate the Marlins until the day I die for that.

Not to mention this was the second year in a row that the Marlins beat the Mets on the last day of the season to destroy their playoff hopes. Yes, please, let's not mention it.

As for Bobby Valentine, I know a lot of people don't like him for one reason or another, and I understand why people wouldn't like him. He certainly doesn't suffer from a lack of ego or excess of humility. He has a weird sense of humor that doesn't always translate well after it leaves his brain and enters the real world. Like his infamous dugout disguise in 1999, or his attempts at Cheech and Chong-esque jokes during the Grant Roberts mess in 2002.

Allowing all of that, I think Bobby Valentine is a true baseball genius. Just look at the Mets teams he brought to the postseason. They had lots of talent and were fun to watch (particularly in 1999), but they were not teams that should've gone deep into the playoffs.

Valentine was able to take those teams' weaknesses and turn them into strengths. He compensated for a relatively weak starting rotation with judicious use of a great bullpen. While he wasn't afraid to use his relievers early and often, rarely did he overuse them.

He also didn't have fantastic outfielders to choose from, so he switched often between guys like Benny Agbayani, Ronny Cedeno, Darryl Hamilton, Melvin Mora, Jay Payton, Timo Perez...not exactly a collection of superstars. And yet he found enough playing time for all of them, while also managing to identify whoever had the "hot hand" at the time.

Bobby Valentine was fired after the 2002 season to pay for Steve Phillips' sins, which still stands out as one of the dumbest things the Mets have ever done (quite a feat, considering the team). He found success managing in Japan, but clearly (and understandably) feels like he still has something to prove in the majors.

And I would love to see him prove it--if not with the Mets, then with somebody. I could even stomach Bobby V managing the Phillies or the Yankees. But there's something about seeing him manage the Marlins that seems both unseemly and beneath him. Like he's grasping at this opportunity simply because it's been offered to him, when he would really be better served holding out for something better.

I'm sure that's not true. After all, he interviewed for the Orioles' opening and decided that wasn't for him (who is it for?). And he's apparently good buddies with Jeff Loria (a fact that makes me question all the good things I've said about him), so at least there's some connection between the two men.

But seeing him in a Marlin uniform--which now appears more a matter of When than If--will be kind of like seeing Eugene Levy in all those terrible American Pie straight-to-DVD follow-ups, or Steve Martin in virtually everything he's done in the last 15 years. You just wanna grab him and say, "Look, I know you want the work, and maybe on some level you need it, but you're better than this, and this will not end well."

Because you know that, even if Bobby V and Loria are BFFs, there will be conflicts between the two of them over the direction of the team. I can't imagine he'll enjoy Florida's $45 million payroll, or taking buses between cities, or scrubbing the dirt out his players' uniforms by hand, or mowing the field on off days.

Loria's already run two good managers out of Florida--first Joe Girardi, then Fredi Gonzalez (and basically handed the Braves, a division rival, their future manager in the process). Bobby V is no better than either of these guys in his willingness to take shit from others. Is he likely to stay quiet when Loria continues to do things on the cheap, or do other insane things like install a shark tank behind home plate at their new stadium? Unlikely.

So if you haven't said yes yet, Bobby, and you have a spare moment to reconsider, I humbly suggest you do so. Jeff Loria might be your buddy now, but I bet he gets a lot less friendly once five dollars is involved.

DEEPEST UNCHARTED RECESSES OF THE UNIVERSE (AP) --The All England Tennis and Croquet Club, sponsors of the annual Wimbledon Championships, admitted today it had "made a grave miscalculation" when it agreed to play some of the tournament's matches near in close proximity to a black hole.

"We initially believed such a move would highlight British ingenuity and resourcefulness," said All England spokesman Trevor Hardwick, "but it seems we didn't take into account the unfathomable physical forces we'd have to contend with."

Hardwick blamed the black hole for the seemingly interminable length of the match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut.

"From what I've been told for those who witnessed it in person, the Isner-Mahut match was actually a quick one. But the nearby black hole is so insanely dense, it warps the fabric of time itself relative to outside observers. So to us, it appeared to take a staggering three days and 980 points to complete. Also, by the time they return to earth, 10,000 years will have passed."

The unique conditions were also blamed for a near-upset, when Rafael Nadal fell behind two sets to none in a first round match. Nadal was ultimately spared when his opponent, Robin Haase, fell beyond the event horizon and was ultimately crushed into an infinitely small, infinitely dense point.

KOREAN CENTRAL NEWS AGENCY, PYONGYANG -- The Democratic People's Republic of Korea remains undefeated in the 2010 World Cup, thanks to our Dear Leader, President Kim Jong Il, who scored all the goals in a 16-0 rout of Portugal on Monday!

Another blow was struck against the puppets of Western capitalism as the Supreme Leader beloved by all peoples of the world sliced and diced his way through a porous Portuguese defense during the match at Green Point Stadium in Cape Town, South Africa.

Powered by the principles of the Juche Idea, Dear Leader remained the embodiment of North Korean self reliance as he scored in a variety of stunning ways, each more fantastic than the last. President Kim Jong Il netted goals on headers, bicycle kicks, penalty shots, and corners. His power was so undefatigable, he even induced the opposing goalie to throw the ball into his own net, by the sheer force of his pure will!

Death to the fascist American jackals!

Cristiano Ronaldo, crowned one of the so-called "world's best players" (a mantle bestowed upon him by imperialist lackey dogs in order to enslave him with the trappings of fame and material success), pronounced himself "utterly defeated" by the self-reliance and power displayed by Supreme Leader Kim Jong Il. "If I was not caught up in the chains of free market capitalism, I would surely dedicate my life to this god among men," Ronaldo told the press.

Inspired by his performance, the crowd broke into spontaneous choruses of beloved workers' tunes such as "We Shall Hold Bayonets More Firmly" and "Our Dear General Contracts Space Using Magic". They may soon have more joyous songs to sing, for our Dear Leader's exploits shall be immortalized by a newly commissioned work by the Sea of Blood Opera Company.

Let's not forget the blood-drenched hatred!

Kim Jong Il dedicated his victory to the workers of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, and once again affirmed that all his power flows from the endless fount of Eternal Leader Kim Il Sung, our shining beacon now and forever! This defeat of another smug Western power is the greatest since Dear Leader crushed the Brazilians 12-0 last Tuesday.

In celebration, Dear Leader has decreed one extra ounce of rice rations for the lunchtime meal to be consumed between 12:00 and 12:12 next Wednesday. Those who fail to partake in this generous bounty shall be declared enemies of the state.