Category Archives: Football

Jets/Colts Preview by Sean from Massapequa

Frequent Scratchbomb contributor Sean from Massapequa offers his thoughts on this weekend’s playoff game between the Colts and Jets.

seanfrommassapequa.jpgI am so pumped for this game, you would not believe it. Trust me, even if you think you know the insanity that is Sean, you are not prepared for the brand of crazy I am about to dispense in thick, rich, heaping scoops. I’m wearin my Chrebet jersey for the 53rd day in a row. I bought an airhorn with a loudener attachment to fire off every time the Jets play an offensive down. And I painted the neighbor’s dog green.

Get this: my yuppie killjoy nextdoor busted my balls about it! He was all like, “Hey, my dog can’t breathe with his pores clogged up with Sherwin Williams!” Listen buddy, your dog once barked at me while I was standin on my own property. That means I can do whatever I want to him. Look it up, it’s the law. I saw it on an episode of CSI: NY. You know, the one where they busted that thrill-killing improv group.

By the way, I got a friend who’s on the lighting crew for that show. Says Sinise is a good egg, but Sela Ward’s a total bitch. Keeps givin him the stink-eye just cuz she walked in on him trying to take a swivel chair outta her trailer. The thing was barely bolted down!

But I digress. The Jets are gonna DESTROY the Colts on Saturday. No ifs, ands, or buts, unless those prepositions are immediately followed by the words, “DESTROY EM SOME MORE!”

I wish I could be there in person, but my buddy Frank, the Jet Blue baggage handler, couldn’t come through with a “Samsonite Discount.” That’s where you hitch a free ride in someone else’s luggage. Airport security’s tighter than ever, plus he kept gettin written up for throwin out other people’s clothes. Friggin Obama, am I right?

This is what’s gonna happen. The Jets are gonna score 37 points in the first half, on three touchdowns, four field goals, five safeties, and a little known scorin play called the Hambone. That’s where the refs award you extra points just for bein awesome. The Colts, intimidated by The Sanchize and the fearless leadership of Rex Ryan, don’t even bother comin out for the second half, and the Jets win by default. And also they burn down Lucas Oil Stadium, because why not? That’s what I would do.

Remember last year in the AFC Championship game, when the Colts zipped ahead of the Jets in the fourth quarter? Ryan let em do that, just to set up this game. The man is a genius. I don’t care if he’s got some weird hang-up about feet. He’s eccentric, like all geniuses. My friend Paulie’s like that. He’s in craft services. The guy only eats orange food. Swear to god. So it’s basically just tangerines and Cheetos for him. But nobody else coulda snuck me into the gifting suites at the People’s Choice Awards. I got a coat made outta emu.

The Jets are winnin this game. They have to. Because if they don’t, I got nothing. What the hell else am I gonna root for now? The Islanders are a hot mess, and the Nassau Colosseum is a dump–you couldn’t pay me to sneak into that place! The NBA? I wouldn’t watch it if you paid me. All them guys with the tattoos and the guns and the violence, what kind of example is that for kids? Plus I heard they let Eastern Europeans play now, and I don’t approve of that.

I’ll be goin down to Port St. Lucie in March to scream at Jose Reyes for a coupla days, but that’s way down the road still. So Sanchize needs to come through, or it’s gonna be a long two months for me. But even more so for him, cuz I’m gonna wait in the bushes outside his house with a bottle of chloroform and a tire iron. And I may not use them in that order.

J-E-T-S! JETS JETS JETS!

Mike Florio Does Not Believe in Private Parts

florio.jpgTo me, the upshot of this whole Rex Ryan foot fetish fiasco is that the Jets really should have done a more thorough background check before they hired him. Embarrassing online videos like this can completely derail a team’s season. Just look at what happened to the Rams back in 2005 when that footage surfaced of head coach Winnebago Man.

If you remember, Rex Ryan was passed over for the Ravens head coaching job two years ago, even though he was a highly regarded coordinator at the time. Now, I’m not saying the Ravens knew anything about these disgusting, shameful videos when they made that decision. But I am saying that I’m heavily implying it in a way that could not get me sued for libel.

Of course, I believe in every person’s right to privacy, no matter what kind of dirty, sinful non-procreative sexual nastiness they may get up to in their own horrible homes. But I also believe that you forfeit that right to privacy if you post a video of yourself to the internet. Or if someone steals a video from you and posts it without your knowledge. Or if someone has taken footage of you from across a darkened alley. You’re just asking for trouble if your goings-on can be filmed from 300 feet away with a high-powered telescopic night-vision camera.

In my book, the fact that you’re even mentioned in any way on the internet means you are fair game–particularly if you are mentioned on my site Pro Football Talk, which is mine, by me, Mike Florio. If you wanted to remain so private, maybe you should have thought of that before you decided to be good at football in the internet age. Don’t blame me for your poor life choices, buddy.

If I had received this tip about Rex Ryan, would I have run with it? Absolutely. Fans pay a lot of money to watch and root for their teams, and they have the right to know if the head coach’s wife is a complete freak in the sack. And fans of opposing teams have the right to a fresh batch of heckle fodder.

Not to mention my obligation as a fully accredited, NBC-approved Rumor-monger. If a rumor like this came my way, it would be my duty to report it. If I didn’t, that would make me no better than The New York Times, which decided to ignore this story for a whole day. They denied themselves the opportunity to put a picture of Rex Ryan’s filthy, filthy wife on their front page with a hilarious headline, like the Daily News did.

And to those who say these sordid details have nothing to do with his job, they do once I report on them. At that point, all the media attention that I focus on Rex becomes a potential distraction, thus forcing me to ask my Jets sources how he’s dealing with it. And then I would also have to ask myself how I managed to snag such a scoop and be so handsome at the same time.

ESPN Cranks Up the Ultraviolence

stuart_scott.jpgI’m sorry, I have to say something, because I’m boiling up over here. The NFL’s new rules against helmet-to-helmet contact and other vicious hits are just ridiculous. They get my lowest rating ever–only seven booyahs!

millen.jpgI agree with you one hundred percent, Stu. Football is MAN’S sport. It is played by MEN. This is what men DO–smash into one another over and over again until one of their brains is sloshing around like Jello in a Ziploc bag.

stuart_scott.jpgIt’s gonna fag-ify the entire league! Just like in the 80s, when they said Lyle Alzado couldn’t bring his crossbow on the field anymore!

millen.jpgI am just SO ANGRY ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW. GOD, I WANNA THROW ROGER GOODELL DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS!

steveyoung.jpgHold on, guys. You don’t have to like all the new rules, but they’re put in place to protect the players. I wish some of them had been enacted when I still played. Maybe that way, I could still tie my own shoes without twitching or crying.

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