Category Archives: Politics Schmolitics

John McCain: Ambushed

John McCain had to die for George Bush’s sins.

In a fair world, the economic meltdown costs George Bush an election, not John McCain.

In
a fair world, George Bush runs against a charismatic, photogenic
candidate who conducts one of the most brilliantly organized
presidential campaigns ever, a man who arrives at the precise moment in
history when he’s needed the most. And McCain gets to run against a
robot and the winner of a Ted Cassidy look-alike contest.

In
a fair world, George Bush is roasted in the media for idiotic
misstatements, catastrophic misjudgments, and overall out-of-touchness.

In
a fair world, none of these things happen to a man who spent five years
as a POW in Hanoi. They happen to the guy who spent the war doing
kegstands at Yale and protecting El Paso from the Viet Cong

In
a truly fair world, George Bush doesn’t have a powerful daddy to get
him in the Texas National Guard, so he has to go to Vietnam, and maybe
the experience transforms him, so when he becomes president he doesn’t
send servicemen to be maimed and killed on a complete fucking lie.

bushmccain.jpg

Last I checked, life isn’t fair.

Continue reading John McCain: Ambushed

The Election Gods Bow to Math

obamaigotthis.jpg

Election Day was great for baseball. And baseball was great for Election Day.

After the Mets collapsed yet again, I took all the emotional/spiritual/perspirational energy I poured into their hopeless cause and channeled it into following the presidential election. I also focused some of that chi into rooting against the Phillies, which didn’t work out nearly as well.

Like any other good lefty, I read Daily Kos, watched Keith Olbermann, and tsked at Fox News ass-hattery. But it’s easy to overdose on Smug when you live in a liberal bastion like New York and only consume media with which you agree. It’s easy to fool yourself into thinking you know what your fellow Americans feel and want.

I fooled myself in 2004. I never deluded myself into thinking that John Kerry was a magnificent charismatic agent of change because, duh. But considering the state of the country at the time, and the obvious (to me) evil represented by Bush, I concluded that Kerry would prevail. I told myself there was no way Kerry could lose because…well, he couldn’t, could he?

And then I found myself up at 2 in the morning, watching Ohio go to Bush, sucking down beer and wishing I was drunk enough to pass out and forget any of it had ever happened.

Continue reading The Election Gods Bow to Math

Joe Biden: We Have Nothing to Fear But Impending Doom

biden.jpgMark my words. It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy.

Just so we’re clear, I don’t mean in the way that any new president would face challenges. No, I mean, they wanna take down Barack Obama so bad! They’re gonna be on him like ugly on an ape!

And when I say “they,” I don’t mean the right wing talking heads at Fox News. Oh boy, he’s gonna wish it was Fox News coming after him.

As we all know, America has enemies around the globe. Huge, scary enemies! During his first six months in office, I foresee no fewer than five terrorist attacks on American soil.

Okay, I heard some of you in the audience gasp. So let me just say, I don’t have any evidence this will happen. Just a hunch, I guess. Oh, and at least one of those attacks will involve nerve gas.

I know what you’re thinking: We don’t know of any major terrorist organization that has access to nerve gas. But I’m sure any one of them could totally get it if they wanted to. North Korea would be more than willing to sell VX to Al Qaeda. And don’t forget about all the corrupt military officials in Pakistan and Russia. Those guys would sell their grandmas for a couple bucks, and they’re not too fond of the US to begin with.

Trust me, if Bin Laden wants nerve gas, he can get it. There are ways. You don’t even wanna know.

I also think that Al Qaeda will flood our cities’ streets with a new superdrug. It will be twice as addictive as crack and give users bursts of psychosis and ungodly strength, thus creating a new race of ghetto super-criminals.

Just sounds like something they’d try to do. You know, if you think about it.

Looks like a guy fainted in the back row there. Somebody wanna help him out? Thanks.

So what we need to do is remain vigilant and put more resources into security at our nation’s major entry points. And we better do it soon, before guys with bazookas start picking off planes at major airports.

Maybe you think that could never happen, but never say never! They got tougher security at Radio Shack than they do around airport runways. Just sneak under some chainlink fence and you’re in! And you could buy a rocket launcher at a gun show these days–for like nothing! So Al Qaeda gets 10 different guys with bazookas to sneak into airports across the country, then they all start shooting down flights right after take off. It’d be sooo easy do!

What if Al Qaeda was able to insert subliminal messages into kids’ shows? Like, if they had a mole inside Nickelodeon. So our children become suicide bombers and murder us in our sleep. And America becomes full of Children of the Corn Islamo-fascists! Wow, I’m getting chills just thinking about it!

What if they replaced Michelle Obama with a radioactive robot? I saw something like that in an issue of Spider-Man once.

I know, I know, you’re probably sitting there, having just soiled yourself with fear, wondering, “Al Qaeda can’t have this kind of technology, do they?” And you’re right, they probably don’t.

But an act of terrorism doesn’t have to be anything too high-tech, either. What if you just unleashed guys with box cutters in big cities? If a street is crowded enough, you can totally cut somebody and disappear into the crowd and never get caught. Just fade into a faceless sea of humanity. Now imagine that happening in, like, every major city in the country every day! Boy, that’d be really creepy, huh?

So as I was saying, it’s important that we get more federal funds to protecting the home front. Personally, I’d like to see some of those funds set aside so that every American family can purchase a shotgun and basement bunker’s worth of canned food. This would prepare us for the inevitable zombie attacks, of course!

Of course, there’s no such thing as zombies. Now. But there could be, if Al Qaeda goes ahead with its occult experiments and successfully spikes our nation’s water supply.

Believe me, they would love to have this happen under a Barack Obama administration.

So in conclusion, remember to go out and vote the Democratic ticket on November 4th!

Be It Resolved: Reagan May Have Existed

hillary.jpgI find it very troubling that Senator Obama would heap praise on Ronald Reagan, considering how devastating his policies were for our country’s neediest citizens.
obama.jpgSenator Clinton, that accusation is patently
untrue. If you look at my remarks in their full context, you’ll see
that I did not praise Ronald Reagan. I merely said that I’d had a
layover at Ronald Reagan Airport on my way to North Carolina.
hillary.jpgWell, I find it disturbing that you would fly
into Ronald Reagan Airport when Dulles is still a more than serviceable
alternative.
obama.jpgThe record will show that I purchased a direct
flight from Detroit to Raleigh, but excessive turbulence forced the
pilot to make an unscheduled stopover in Washington. I admit that I
purchased a copy of Fantasy Baseball Preview at a newsstand
to pass the time while we waited for the weather to clear up. I have
been considering taking Joba Chamberlain as high as the third round
this year, a decision that I’m sure many of my fellow Americans are
wrestling with at this time.
hillary.jpgI believe you’ve displayed a tacit approval for
his presidency by your unwillingness to parachute out of the plane
before it touched down.
obama.jpgNothing could be further from the truth. I assure
the American people that if I’m elected president, I will constantly
refer to Ronald Reagan as history’s greatest monster.

Continue reading Be It Resolved: Reagan May Have Existed

Hillary Clinton: To Be Young, Campaigning, and Black

hilbot.jpgIt’s unfortunate that my esteemed opponent, Barack Obama, is trying to make race an issue in this campaign. Every time I accuse him of making race an issue, he brings up race! It’s almost as
if he’s defensive about the whole race thing.

I’m used to these types of reactions. There are people in this world who see me and think that I can’t be President. Well, I have never listened to what the naysayers said, and I am here to tell America that yes, a
black woman can be President.

Maybe the thought of a black woman President scares Senator Obama. Maybe he thinks our place is in the kitchen–the black kitchen. But as a famous black singer whose name escapes me once said, “I will survive as a black woman candidate.”

My husband was proud to be our nation’s first black President. He had a hard road to walk, like so many of our black forefathers. But he walked that road, with his own two black feet, and I am ready to walk that black, black path he forged for me–for all of us!

And by “us”, I mean all of us black people.

Of course, it’s not just Senator Obama who oppresses us. At times, we are our own worst black enemy. There are some who say I’m not “black” enough, that I’m an “Uncle Tom”. This is nothing new for me. When I left the tough streets of my black, inner city, black neighborhood, there were people who said I was turning my back on my black ‘hood.

I didn’t listen, because I knew that my black achievements could reflect well on my black roots, and allow me to one day give back to the black community that gave so much to my black self. And I say that now is not the time for black divisiveness. This is a time for black unity. With that unity, we should all come together blackly for one common black
goal.

And that goal should be to elect me, the only true black candidate, no matter what Barack “Simon Legree” Obama might say.

I don’t get angry at people like Senator Obama, because deep down, they’re afraid–afraid of our blackness. To their fear, I counter with my black hope. To their anger, I counter with my black love. To their hate, I counter with my black friendship.

So say it loud, people: we’re black and we’re black proud!

Wow, this outpouring of affection from you supporters is enough to make me shed a single, black tear of black emotion.

Ron Paul Takes on the BCS

ronpaul.jpgHey there, Interweb-Land, Ron Paul here. Maybe you know me from seeing my name on thousands of highway overpasses across  the land. Perhaps you recognize me from my scintillating fifth-place finish in Iowa, or my breathtaking YouTube productions. You might also be familiar with my millions of loyal followers who post angry responses in all-caps to any blog post that mentions my name.

What’s that? You don’t recognize my name? That’s because the liberal media is afraid of me and my suspiciously well-organized grassroots campaign, so they never mention me among the other Republican candidates. If you don’t believe me, just listen to my spirited rebuttals on CNN, Fox News, C-SPAN, Good Morning America, The Today Show, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, and three dozen other programs.

Fact: I have a blimp! No other candidate in either party has any sort of dirigible. Mike
Huckabee used to be zeppelin-sized, but I don’t think that counts.

But I’m not here to talk about outmoded forms of air travel. I’m here to talk about the BCS, which is in desperate need of a Ron Paul makeover. Just like our great nation, college football’s bowl system is a mess wrought by bureaucrats and meddlesome eggheads and their stupid computery computers.

When Ron Paul takes over, all computers in the nation will be destroyed, and I will give out free Common Sense Thinkin’ Caps to every citizen. I will also not allow evolution to be taught in schools, unless all science teachers doing so follow every statement about this theory by yelling BULLSHIT.

The BCS is just like the income tax: nobody’s happy with it, but nobody’s got the guts to do anything about it. Except guess who? That’s right, yours truly, the Paulinator. No, please, hold your applause until I’m finished.

My solution: tear down the whole damn thing. But don’t start over. Just let the schools stomp around in the rubble and let them figure it out. How about, everybody play everybody, all the time! Or play the same team over and over! If Michigan wants to play Ohio State three times a week all year, let ’em! Oregon can play itself for all I care. Hell, they got enough uniforms for seven teams.

Eventually, the glorious free market will decide who’s champ, without the expense and fuss of a newfangled bowl system. You see, Americans are frontier people. Things run best in this country when we let ’em run wild. Who can do their job with the nosy NCAA or federal government waggin’ its finger at every gosh darn thing?

Say you’re a big agribusiness company, and you wanna save some dough by feeding Styrofoam peanuts to your poultry. Or you’re a toy company and you feel like using some delicious lead paint. Guess what? You can’t, ’cause the dang ol’ government says you can’t.

But when Ron Paul is supreme executive, I mean, president, that won’t be a problem, ’cause we won’t have an FDA or an FTC. In fact, we won’t have any office that can be spelled in all capital letters. Probably do away with that stupid Supreme Court, too. All we need in Washington is me and enough Congressman to field a softball team.

I’m sure there will be some unscrupulous companies that’ll do crazy stuff, like slap Gerber’s labels on sulfuric acid and sell it as baby food. So you, as a consumer, can choose to not by caustic chemicals for your infant. You vote with your dollar, see? And you’ll drive the no-good-niks outta business, leaving only righteous capitalists standing.

Unless the sulfuric acid guys buy out all the other baby food companies. Or they pay off enough newspapers and networks so you never hear about their sulfuric acid. But hey, that’s the free market. Don’t like it? Go to Cuba, commie.

I’m sure my BCS solution will captivate the nation, just like my solutions for Washington have taken root in the political consciousness. Why, here’s unsolicited testimony from a concerned citizen.

luapnor1.jpgLAUPNOR: IF YOU WANT TO KEEP THE BOWL SYSTEM YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE CONSTITUTION ALSO THE IRS IS ILLEGAL AND EVERYONE WHO DOESN’T THINK SO SHOULD BE BURNT AND TORTURED AND TIM TEBOW IS NOT MY HEISMAN WINNER. HOOK EM HORNS!

I like the way LAUPNOR thinks!

NFL Week 10 with Rush Limbaugh

Two words for last week’s picks: Ug-Lee. Week 9 had a lot of underdogs winning, and a lot of overdogs either choking or deciding to win their games by razor thin margins. Hey, Eli Manning–Plaxico’s not on the field; try throwing a pass that’s not 11 feet in the air. And see if you can beat the fucking Texans by more than four points. Asshole.

The tallies for week 9: win/loss 7-7; points, 5-9. That brings the season’s grand total to:

Win/Loss: 84-43
Points: 62-63

So for the first time this year, I’ve fallen below .500. I would blame my guest picker, but he had a hard enough week as it is. I tried to get now-ex-Senator George Allen to contribute, but he’s a tad bitter about pigskin right now; carrying a football around to every damn campaign stop did him no apparent good. So instead, I turn to ex-Monday Night Football commentator/right-wing radio yakker/acceptable drug addict Rush Limbaugh.

Buffalo at Indianapolis: I admire Peyton Manning’s commitment to excellence almost as much as I do his commitment to free enterprise. He’s set to break Tiki Barber’s all-time season record for commercial endorsements. If you remember that DirecTV ad where he tells the viewer to turn over to another, more interesting game, I think this contest will resemble that spot. Indianapolis by 8.

San Francisco at Detroit: A bet for the 49ers on the road is a bet for Nancy Pelosi and her San Francisco values! Detroit by 6.

San Diego at Cincinnati: With the Democrats back in power, expect to see a return to the revolving-door justice system of years past. For a preview of this grim new world, just look at the incarcer-rific Bengals, who’ve logged more trips to the pokey than offensive yards. The Chargers will be more than a match for this band of convicts, even without Shawne Merriman, a talented young man who got a bit too zealous in his self-medication regimen. Look, we’ve all been there, haven’t we? San Diego by 5.

Continue reading NFL Week 10 with Rush Limbaugh

Stand Up! You Are an American!

I’m a terrible American.

Tuesday marked the first time since I’d turned 18 that I didn’t vote. Like many an antihero, my patriotic impulses were thwarted by bureaucratic BS. My car was up for inspection this week, see, and I had no time before D-Day to get it checked out. My father-in-law offered to take it to a guy he knows, but in order to do so, I had to drive the car over to his place after work yesterday. This took a good chunk out of potential voting time.

Plus, I hadn’t re-registered in my new neighborhood. So in order to vote, I’d have to go back to Greenpoint, which is nigh impossible to do in the evening without a car. Beyond rush hour, the local buses run like a fat asthmatic kid with a torn ACL. Long story short, time, tide, and the affairs of the DMV conspired to thwart my civic duties.

But if I’m honest with myself, I can say that if I really, really, really wanted to vote, I would have found a way to do so. I didn’t.

Continue reading Stand Up! You Are an American!

NFL Week 9 Picks by Karl Rove

rove.jpgI finished up my year of NFL picks at MSN Sports Filter on a decidedly sour note. Two bad weeks in a row; my week 8 tallies were 7-7 win/loss, 6-8 points. That showing brought my tally on the season to:

Win/Loss: 77-36
Points: 57-56

Obviously, I need some high-powered help. So this week, Scratchbomb.com is pleased to welcome a guest handicapper for our NFL picks. You may remember him from such unbridled successes as “the Valerie Plame scandal”, “the Mark Foley cover up” and “you forgot Poland”. Here’s Republican strategist/pork vacuum Karl “Turdblossom” Rove.

Atlanta at Detroit: A good solid red state versus a city full of, um, traditional Democrat voters. Try and guess who I’m picking! I don’t know if Michael Vick will continue his chuck-tastic ways, but it won’t matter much against the toothless Lions. I know Vick’s a lefty, but I forgive him. Atlanta by 8.

Continue reading NFL Week 9 Picks by Karl Rove