Category Archives: Politics Schmolitics

Your New President: Trump Castle

I remain convinced that 1) the Trump-for-President talk will fade as soon as a more viable Republican candidate emerges, and 2) even if it doesn’t, he will have his ass handed to him as soon as he attempts any serious campaigning. The man is a grown child, a spoiled brat, and he hasn’t the slightest idea of what he’s in for if he actually runs for office.

The biggest nightmare that awaits him in running for office is an arena in which he can definitively lose. I don’t think Trump could handle that, because he has never truly and unequivocally lost at anything. In business, you can technically fail–as Trump has done many times–yet still turn a profit and, in a sense, win. Now that he’s dipping his toes into political punditry, he still can find a way to win when he loses. When Obama produced his birth certificate, Trump got to take credit for “forcing the issue.” So even though he lost in the sense that he was dead wrong (and also lying, it seems, about having all those “investigators” in Hawaii), he could claim that he “won” by making the president respond to his idiotic needling.

But when you actually run for office, you can lose. Not only that, but everyone will know exactly how badly you lost. I can’t imagine that Trump would put himself in such a position.

However, since speculation about him running will not go away, I promise to regularly post some Trump-related monstrosity until it does. First up, an ad that is deeply ingrained upon my psyche. Because Trump was not satisfied with just plaguing Atlantic City with his tacky casinos. He also had to pollute the local airwaves with his cheesy ads. If you lived anywhere in the tri-state area in the last 30 years, you probably saw this a thousand times more than you ever wanted to. The 80s-riffic jingle in this ad gets re-stuck in my head once every few months, at which point I raise my fists to the heavens and scream TRUMP!!!

How classy was Trump Castle Hotel and Casino? You can hazard a guess based on the fact that a large yellow sign that blares FREE PARKING gets as much screen time as anyone else in this ad.

Also, if you want to know what kind of person would seriously contemplate voting for Trump for president, peep this comment that appears below the video.

A Henry VIII-esque slob of a king and FREE PARKING–an inspiration to us all! TRUMP TRUMP TRUMP TRUMP TRUMP..

Trump Says You’re Welcome, America

As usual, it took Trump to do what no one else could. Look, I didn’t really think Obama wasn’t born here. Only a brainless, racist moron would think that. But I was smart enough to recognize how many brainless, racist morons there are in this country and how I could use their unfocused rage to get the president to finally produce his birth certificate. You’re welcome, America. Consider it an early 4th of July present from yours truly. Yes, when you’re a true patriot like myself, even six months ahead of time isn’t too soon to celebrate the day we took back Plymouth Rock from the Chinese.

It took Trump to force this issue, folks, and that’s exactly what I did. I forced it. I pushed and poked and prodded the issue. I got in the issue’s face, like an inch away, and said “Hey issue, does this bug you? Does this bug you? I’m not touching you. Are you gonna cry, issue? Go ahead and cry! 1-2-3 cry!” That’s what I call leadership.

The fact that I got Obama to release his birth certificate proves that I can be presidential. Because that’s what a president does: he badgers and pesters and whines until he gets his way. If I was president, I’d be all like, “Hey Russia, cut it out.” And they’d be all like, “What do you mean-ski?” And I’d be like, “You know what, just knock it off, ya knuckleheads.” There isn’t a world leader who could stand up to the grilling I would give them across a large mahogany desk. Not the king of France, not the Sultan of Norway, not even the czar of Antarctica.

Next, I’m turning my sights on Obama’s academic record. Sure, he went to Harvard Law School and headed the law journal and graduated zooma cum loudly, or whatever it is. But did he really deserve it? Now, I’m not saying all his professors didn’t just breeze him along because they’d been paid off by a powerful cabal of Muslim extremists and Black Panthers to introduce him to effete liberal society and one day be installed as president. Luckily, other people are saying it for me, so I just have to suggest it.

I haven’t announced my candidacy officially yet. But just think, if I was your president, every day could be like this!

Trump vs. Romney: The Unfair Fight

Of course I’m a better presidential candidate than Mitt Romney. Why? Because I have more money than he does. It’s simple math, people. More money equals better than. And before you tell me that’s from an old Mr. Show sketch, just know that I’m currently suing David Cross and Bob Odenkirk for ripping me off. And for calling their program Mr. Show before I could think of that name.

It’s a matter of fact that every president elected in the last 500 years has been richer than his opponent. Reagan was richer than Jimmy Carter. JFK was richer than Eisenhower. Abe Lincoln was richer than The South. Do I have to go on? No, I don’t, because I’m rich and I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do.

How could Mitt Romney possibly be a better candidate than me. He’s never even had a reality show or coined a copyrightable catchphrase! And that hair! Have you ever seen such a ridiculous head of hair in your life?

Sure, he was elected governor of a state, I’ll grant you that. And he managed to get a big health care bill passed in that state, whichever one it was. (I wanna say Vermont?) But how many casinos did he build? None. How many 75-story glass-and-gold turds did he build on prime real estate bearing his name? Zippo. How many times did he go bankrupt? Zilch.

Me? I’ve built so many things with my name on it, I’ve lost count (and also because I can’t count very high). And every one of them looks like it was built by that Russian billionaire in the DirecTV ads. Plus, I’m such a shrewd businessman, I’ve been able to go bankrupt three times and still get cities to give me land. Let’s see Mitt Romney do that!

At the end of the day, this is barely a fair fight. I’m one of the most recognizable human beings on the planet, and all Mitt Romney has is a few decades of political experience. Plus, Obama is terrified of the thought of me being the Republican candidate. He said so himself! Sure, some people thought he was being sarcastic when he said that, but I doubt that was the case, mostly because I have no idea what “sarcastic” means. Seriously, I dropped out of school after the fourth grade.

Obama Says You’ll Understand When You’re Older

Look, I know I said a president couldn’t declare war without an act of Congress back when I was a senator. But this isn’t a war, it’s policing a no-fly zone.

No, it’s not the same thing. Because it’s not, is why!

Iraq was a very different situation. The Bush administration changed its mind about the rationale of that conflict many times, with disastrous results. They said it was weapons of mass destruction, then they said it was to spread democracy, then…hey, look at me when I’m talking to you! The point is, it’s a war that should never have started to begin with.

Then why are we still there? Because we are. We just are, okay? Sometimes things don’t have answers, they just are.

Why don’t I change the way things are? You don’t get how the world works. You’ll understand when you’re older. Why don’t you go play XBox with your brother or something. And don’t gimme that look!

Chipper and Jesse’s Conspiracy Theory

WELCOME TO CONSPIRACY THEORY WITH JESSE VENTURA. I AM YOUR HOST WHICH MEANS MY NAME IS JESSE VENTURA. THE GOVERNMENT HAS SPARED NO EXPENSE TO KEEP THE TRUTH FROM EVER COMING OUT ABOUT ITS DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRETS, SO THE ONLY WAY I CAN EXPOSE THEM IS ON THIS BASIC CABLE PROGRAM. MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A FAMOUS BASEBALL PLAYER. BASEBALL IS A FINE AMERICAN SPORT, AND THIS MAN IS GOING TO ENGAGE IN ANOTHER FINE AMERICAN SPORT TONIGHT: CONSPIRACY THEORIES! PLEASE WELCOME CHIPPER JONES.

Thanks for having me, Jesse.

CHIPPER WHAT IS YOUR CONSPIRACY THEORY IN A NUTSHELL BY WHICH I AM NOT SAYING YOU’RE A ‘NUT’ BECAUSE I BELIEVE YOU ARE A FINE AMERICAN WHOSE BRAIN WORKS JUST FINE.

I believe that JFK was assassinated by a conspiracy launched at the highest levels of the American government.

OF COURSE YOU DO. ALL RIGHT-THINKING AMERICAN CITIZENS REALIZED THAT YEARS AGO. WHAT LED YOU TO THIS CONCLUSION?

Well, I’ve been a hunter my whole life and I can’t imagine how one person could’ve gotten off three rifle shots in such a short period of time.

I COULD BECAUSE I AM TRAINED IN ALL THE KNOWN DEADLY ARTS PLUS A FEW OF THE ONES KNOWN ONLY TO ALIENS AND THE ISRAELI ARMY, BUT YOU ARE CORRECT. NO MERE MORTAL COULD DO SUCH A THING.

I once shared my thoughts with John Smoltz. He told me that he was contacted by a mysterious Mr. X in Washington. They met up on a park bench within sight of the White House and Mr. X laid out the whole details of the conspiracy for him. He said it was chilling, and that Mr. X vaguely reminded him of the hero from Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

THAT SOUNDS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A PLOTLINE FROM THE FILM “JFK” BUT I DO NOT CARE.

I also heard that Steve Avery knew too much about the whole thing. That’s why the government had to blow up his left arm.

STEVE AVERY, ANOTHER PATRIOT GONE TOO SOON. HOW WILL YOU CONTINUE TO EXPOSE THIS SHAMOCKERY PERPETRATED ON THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?

I dunno, figure I’ll just play for a month and get another horrible injury or something.

CHIPPER, I HAVE TO SAY GOOD NIGHT NOW BECAUSE I JUST REMEMBERED I HAD A CATASTROPHIC ANEURYSM BACK IN 2005. STAY STRONG, TRUE AMERICANS!

Scott Walker Moves Democracy Out of State

MADISON, WI–Governor Scott Walker made an unexpected move on Wednesday night, ending a legislative stalemate by relocating the state’s democracy out of the capitol.

“We have tried to work with Democrats to come to a satisfactory resolution to this financial crisis,” Walker told reporters. “But as the governor of this state, I’m charged with making tough decisions, and I believe that Wisconsin can no longer support a democracy franchise.”

Mayflower trucks pulled up to the state capitol building at 10pm local time to complete the move. The Dairy State’s principal symbols of democracy were packed in bubble wrap and loaded into the vehicles shortly thereafter, including the public university system, the bicameral state legislature, and the legacies of Robert LaFollette and Russ Feingold.

“I think the democracy franchise deserves a chance to thrive in a state that can give it the support and attention it deserves,” Walker said as the trucks drove off into the night. “But I know Wisconsans will be well served by the feudalism franchise that will be relocating here from the Middle Ages.”

Walker assured citizens they would be informed shortly about the names of their local vassals and the proper manner to pledge fealty thereto.

Future Guests of the Ohio Legislature

  • Two fetuses, testifying via ultrasound in favor of an anti-abortion bill
  • Two ultrasound machines, testifying that the weird gel you have rub on their sensors is really gross
  • A chimera, testifying via Skype, on the subject of tort reform
  • A leprechaun, a unicorn, and a chupacabra, each seeking tribal recognition for their respective imaginary nations in order to build casinos
  • The pheasant plucker, and pheasant plucker’s son, pleading no contest to charges of nepotism
  • Two squirrels and a ghost, for obvious reasons
  • RoboCop, seeking safe haven for his statue
  • A Man from Nantucket, protesting the awful rumors that have been spread about him
  • The concept of human flight, declaring itself an abomination in the eyes of God
  • Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, reading into the record some of his Twilight fanfic

The Quantum World of Sarah Palin

quantumpalin.jpgI have to say, again, I don’t understand how anyone could think that my words could incite anyone to violence. And anyone who uses words to suggest otherwise is just going to incite violence.

How could my words have no effect while others’ have enormous impact? Perhaps you think that makes no sense, and you’d be right–in your world. But where I live, there is no such thing as contradiction.

The Sarah Palin you see on TV is actually an extremely sophisticated holographic magnification. In truth, I am extremely tiny. Slightly larger than one Planck length, actually. By your standards, I am almost infinitesimally small, and exist in a subatomic universe far beyond your power to comprehend. I use quarks for furniture! In a house that’s tucked into a curled dimension you have yet to discover!

Things happen in my world that are inconceivable in yours. A single particle can travel on multiple trajectories simultaneously. Objects fall upward and sideways without any regard for gravity–although directional concepts like “upward” and “sideways” have little meaning here. And I can make statements that directly contradict each other, sometimes within the span of one sentence, and not actually contradict myself.

I can also suggest things in the minds of my listeners, like “Obama’s a scary black guy!” or “they’re gonna kill your grandma!” without actually saying them, and being able to paint anyone who suggests otherwise as a PC liberal elitist. It’s pretty neat, not having to live by the rules everyone else does!

What’s the best part about living in a world that operates on quantum mechanics? Sometimes it’s the sheer unpredictability. Sometimes it’s exploring all the dozens of different planes of existence that can’t be perceived by “normal” sized people; I’ve lost track of how many there are! And sometimes it’s the ability to alter reality to suit my needs on a moment-by-moment basis. 

By the way, the string theory is totally wrong. And it’s totally right. How is that possible? It isn’t! But it is! Sorry if that goes over your heads. You wouldn’t get it unless you were at my tiny, tiny level.

Sarah Palin Defends “Murder Congress” Campaign

palin2.jpgWASHINGTON–Under fire after the shooting of Arizona Representative Gabrielle Giffords, Sarah Palin defended the fundraising efforts of her SarahPAC organization during the recent midterm elections. Her group received criticism for using the campaign slogan “Murder Congress.”

“We reject the notion that we’re to blame in any way for the tragedy this past weekend,” said Palin aide Rebecca Mansour. “We merely meant the sweeping changes we have planned for Washington would be the metaphorical equivalent of mass murder, in that it would ‘slay’ many of the liberal member of Congress. I don’t understand how you can take a perfectly innocent motivational phrase like ‘murder Congress’ and twist it into somehow advocating violence.”

Mansour also denied the campaign’s artwork was inflammatory “The symbols we drew over certain congresspersons’ heads are being interpreted by some PC types as bullseyes, simply because they are circles with crosshairs, partially colored in with red blobs that vaguely resemble blood. This was simply our homage to the title sequences of the classic James Bond movies. How on earth you could mistake that for anything else is beyond me.”

Palin’s campaign efforts are now drawing scrutiny because Giffords was specifically targeted by SarahPAC. The former Alaska governor appeared at an event for the congresswoman’s opponent, Jesse Kelly, that was advertised in local newspapers as “The Someone Should Probably Shoot Gabrielle Giffords, Just Sayin’ Festival and Tractor Pull”.

“The word ‘shoot’ has many connotations,” Mansour said. “We meant someone should shoot her with a camera, and those photos would show her for the Obama-loving neo-Socialist she is.”

The campaign event featured a firing range where guests could take target practice on life-size effigies of Giffords, with weapons ranging from Glock handguns to grenade launchers. But Mansour insisted, “It takes quite a leap of logic to insist this was anything other than a fun carnival game. Naturally, the liberal media is blowing this all out of proportion. I’m sure it won’t be long before they read something sinister into the fact that the winners of the target practice contest won free Colt .45s and maps to Giffords’ house.”

“Frankly, I’m shocked at how many liberals are seeking to politicize this tragedy. As far as we know, this terrible act was committed by a lone nut, and as we all know, lone nuts are in no way affected by the general political atmosphere. I don’t see how an unstable person could be influenced by anything Sarah may have tweeted or put on her web site.”

Mansour would not comment on any particular tweet or other web content produced by Palin because “all this completely non-incendiary, innocent comment has been removed in the last 24 hours.”

A FOX News spokesman says it will continue to feature Palin on its programs, despite the controversy, but is looking into suing Giffords for defamation of character.

Biggest Revelations from George W. Bush’s Memoirs

  • bushdecisionpoints.jpgHis mother, Barbara Bush, was one of the first proponents of the child rearing philosophies of David Cronenberg.
  • Of his seven siblings, only three were confined to jars.
  • At Harvard Business School, successfully defended his master’s thesis on why kegstands are awesome.
  • In 1972, while serving in the Air National Guard, thwarted an attempted Viet Cong takeover of a San Antonio-area Fiesta Mart
  • On 1973 through 1988: “FATAL ERROR; SOME DATA MAY BE LOST”
  • First act as president of the Rangers was to acquire a totally bullshit Texas accent.
  • Catapulted to the Texas governor’s mansion by promising to legalize the carrying of concealed flamethrowers.
  • Got John McCain to drop out of the Republican primaries in 2000 by promising to make McCain turn his back on every principle he held dear.
  • In the heated moments of the Florida vote recount, planned a concession phone call to Al Gore that would have ended with him saying “psyche!” and hanging up.
  • Took so long to respond when informed of the 9/11 terrorist attacks because his mind was occupied trying to think of that one guy who was in that thing.
  • Considered himself a “dissenting voice” in the debate over going to war in Iraq, but rather than press the issue, opted to use his political capital to argue for pizza for lunch the next day.
  • Blames a printing press error for the “aircraft carrier” mess in 2003. The banner was originally supposed to read “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED…IS WHAT THIS SIGN WILL SAY ONCE THE WAR IS OVER”.
  • In order to combat perceptions that Dick Cheney was the real power behind the presidency, contemplated removing him from the ticket in 2004. Changed his mind after waking up in a ditch with no memory of the events of the previous week.
  • As the Iraq War spiraled out of control and more and more Americans were killed trying to bring democracy to a land that didn’t seem to want it, he had this weird dream where was in an ostrich rodeo.
  • Deeply regrets that, in the wake of the devastation of Hurricane Katrina, he allowed so many news networks to report on it.
  • Believes the Kanye West incident is “the lowest point of my presidency” because “any other choice is too horrifying.”
  • After Obama’s inauguration, as Air Force One took him away from the White House for the last time, he finally thought of that one guy who was in that thing. It was Bill Paxton.
  • Ends book with an anecdote about picking up after his dog because when you’ve committed war crimes, caused the needless deaths of thousands, and driven your country into a ditch, it’s good to laugh about it.