Category Archives: The Worldwide Leader

The All Star Power Outage, Live on ESPN

Hello there, sports fans! Chris Berman here, aka Boomer, aka The Big Dog, aka Leatherman, aka The Back-Back-Back Guy, aka Sheila under the right circumstances. It’s certainly a thrill for all of you to view me again in my annual sojourn into America’s pasttime, The Home Run Derby. Unfortunately, a rash of injuries has caused many of the game’s biggest stars to bow out of this year’s All Star Game. Jose Reyes has a hamstring issue, Alex Rodriguez is getting knee surgery, Shane Victorino sprained his douche-bone, and Derek Jeter came down with a case of I-Dont-Wanna-Go-to-Arizona-in-July-itis. But this is still technically the Midsummer Classic, and it should still be a barburner, ain’t that right, Krukie?

I ATE MY OWN WEIGHT IN GRAVY YESTERDAY, BOOMER.

Great, so the diet’s working! As I mentioned, a good number of stars have bowed out, but we still want to honor those team players who decided to show up. That’s why we’ve organized this new event called the Scramblethon. The game’s grittiest, most pint sized players will compete against each other in a series of thrilling skills competitions. First, we’ll see who can beat out the most Baltimore chops and swinging bunts. Players will be penalized for any ball hit out of the infield. Then, we’ll see which players can make a throw from shortstop to first without bouncing it. And finally, each uniform will receive a special black-light scan to determine which one has the most accumulated caked-in dirt. The winner will receive the coveted Bronze Lunchpail and a $50 gift certificate to Lowe’s.

LOWE’S IS GOOD PEOPLE. THEY NEVER GIVE ME A HARD TIME WHEN I SNACK ON THE DRYWALL LIKE THOSE JERKS AT HOME DEPOT DO.

Special event captains David Eckstein and Joe McEwing have picked out a stellar lineup of tiny, tiny players for this event: Sam Fuld, Matt Young, Augie Ojeda, Aaron Miles, Jamey Carroll…the list goes on, but frankly, I see no point in continuing to read it. Dustin Pedroia lobbied to be included, but was disqualified for having hit more than 5 home runs in his career.

PEDROIA PLAYS THE GAME THE RIGHT WAY: HUNGRY. THIS IS THE PART WHERE I’M SUPPOSED TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT HOW HUNGRY I AM BUT I WON’T BECAUSE I JUST ATE AN ENTIRE CAN OF PIE FILLING THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Now the players are being carted out onto the field and unpackaged. Remember, most of these guys are made of extremely delicate material and must be stored on dry ice in between games.

INTERESTING FACT, BOOMER: MOST OF THESE GUYS ARE ACTUALLY THE UNFORTUNATE RESULTS OF SCIENCE EXPERIMENTS, AND THE MOST OF THE OTHERS ARE PUPPETS WHO BECAME REAL LIVE BOYS.

The first up is Sam Fuld, who’s originally from Durham, New Hampshire but makes his winter home in a fur storage facility in Boca Raton. And here’s his first try, it’s a beautiful check-swing, and that one’s going backbackbackback, all the way past the pitcher’s mound, they’ll never throw him out! Oh, wait, he’s wheezing just shy of the first base bag. My best guess is he may have collapsed a lung; they are made of papier maché, after all.

THEY REALLY HAVE TO OUTLAW THOSE PAPIER MACHÉ LUNGS, BOOMER. THEY’RE WORSE THAN ASH BATS AND NOT NEARLY AS DELICIOUS.

Well, this is certainly a bleak turn of events, and I for one am at a loss to think of a quote from a dinosaur rock song to properly mark this occasion, so it looks like it’s time for an injury timeout. When we come back, we’ll have the Clap-Off. Participants stand on the top step of the dugout and cheer vociferously while a more talented teammate bats! We’ll be right backbackbackbackbackback…oh please Lord, take me now.

No Brain, No Pain: Chili Pepper Division

This weekend, my brother reminded me of this gem from a college football game broadcast on ESPN in 2007. I remember watching this live and nearly choking to death from laughter. Fun!

In this clip, sideline reporter Rob Stone visits the Chili Pepper Institute at New Mexico State. While there, he tries to act all tough in the face of some the most tongue searing substances in the world. The head of the institute hands him a tiny pepper, which Stone does not treat with the proper respect.

PROFESSOR: This is the Bhut Jolokia, the world’s hottest chili pepper.

STONE: [crunch]

PROFESSOR: A million Scoville units.

STONE: What is that?

The timing and cluelessness displayed here is amazing. This man knows he’s at the Chili Pepper Institute. He is well aware that chili peppers are hot. And yet, he immediately chows down on something without any idea how spicy it might be. Better yet, when told exactly how spicy it is, he continues to act with misplaced bravado and ignorance. “What is that?

Shortly after taking a huge bite of THE HOTTEST THING IN THE WORLD, Stone starts to experience some serious distress. The professor hands him some milk, but it does him no good. “I’m not even feeling it,” he says, as his brow rapidly moistens with sweat. The professor doesn’t help Stone’s state when he informs him that the effects may last five to six hours.

Watching this video again for the first time in years, I suspect this whole scene may be somewhat staged. However, I also suspect that Stone was told by his producers to take a big bite out of the hottest pepper known to man without any clear idea of just how hot it would be. In either case, it led to pure televisual hilarity.

The Steve Phillips Press Conference to End All Steve Phillips Press Conferences

phillips2.jpgI’m going to make this press conference brief. As you all know by now, I had an affair with a 22-year-old ESPN employee. Because of that, I have been suspended indefinitely from my duties as an analyst for postseason games and ESPN’s Baseball Tonight. This woman has stalked and harassed my wife and children, so I ask that you please respect my privacy at this difficult time for me and my family. However, I will take a few brief questions. Yes, Buster Olney?
olney2.jpgIs this for real? Or are you just pretending to be a lecherous douchebag, like you pretended to be a GM in those “press conferences” you made us do a few years back? You know, those “press conferences” that robbed all of us of our professional dignity and integrity?
phillips2.jpgThis is totally real. Believe me, I wish it wasn’t…
olney2.jpgOh, so it’s like when you pretended to be GM of the Mets!
phillips2.jpgNo, Buster, I was an actual GM. You know, I’m pretty proud of what I…
jeremyschaap.jpgHey, Steve, Jeremy Schaap here. Are you attracted to the criminally insane? Or are those the only women you can convince to sleep with you?
phillips2.jpgOn the advice of my attorney, I’m going to have to…
gammons3.jpgSteve, Peter Gammons here. In the litany of bad decisions you’ve made in your life, which is worse: having sex with some random kookadook who ruined your life, or trading Melvin Mora for Mike Bordick?
phillips2.jpgMike Bordick had some pretty big hits for us down the stretch in…

gammons3.jpgHow about Jason Isringhausen for Billy Taylor?

phillips2.jpgBilly Taylor was a fine closer who…

gammons3.jpgHow about you trying to trade both Jose Reyes and David Wright while they were still prospects?

phillips2.jpgPeter, those deals didn’t go through, so…

olney2.jpgSteve, you nearly ruined the Mets, you were universally hated as a talking head, and now your personal life is in shambles and you’ve got zero credibility because you couldn’t keep it in your pants. All because you got off on a power trip to bedding a subordinate less than half your age.
phillips2.jpgDo you have a question, Buster?
olney2.jpgNo, I don’t, Steve. I just wanted to remind you how totally fucked you are right now.
phillips2.jpgThanks, Buster. Okay, thank you all for your time. I have to go now…
olney2.jpgOh no, Steve, you’re not going anywhere. This is where you stay now.
phillips2.jpgThis is where I stay now? I don’t understand.
olney2.jpgESPN has an Ironic Punishment room for all of its employees who commit sexual harassment.
gammons3.jpgYeah. This is where they’ve been keeping Sean Salisbury for the past two years. His cell phone constantly rings, but it’s always other dudes texting him pictures of their junk.
salisbury.jpg
IT’S TORTURE! DELICIOUS TUMESCENT TORTURE!