“As you all know, I ran on the audacity of hope and the tyranny of joy,” the president said during a fireside press conference, as he threw dolls and toy trains on the flames. “These ideals lead me to fear and despise the holiday you call Christmas. I believe that together, we can destroy this cheerful, heart-warming season once and for all.”
Troops will be deployed to combat entrenched pockets of resistance, concentrating on regions controlled by the Candy Cane Commandos and the Sugar Plum Guerillas. General Petraeus said these forces should be no match for American firepower, “since most of their weapons are made of marzipan. But I must also emphasize that they are powered by an innate sense of childlike wonder and love, which can be dangerous.”
This new troop surge will be the first in the ongoing battle against Christmas since President Clinton requested 25,000 troops in 1995. Shortly after speaking to Congress, he was approached by an adorable, doe-eyed girl, and rescinded his request when his heart grew three sizes that day.